Where blame is due, blame must be accepted. And when asked to take responsibility for our actions, we are obligated to do so.
I was an adult. It was my duty to talk things through like one.
Issa took a moment, then nodded slowly.
“Fine. As long as you don’t mind my joining you.”
“Of course not. Thank you,” I replied immediately. Issa sighed in relief and gestured again for us to go back inside.
“Wh-what about me…?” Sayu asked nervously as she took her shoes off in the entryway.
“Your being there might complicate things, Sayu. Do you mind waiting for a little while?” I asked.
“O-okay.”
Sayu looked relieved for a moment before intentionally reverting to a straight face, as if hiding her feelings.
Breathing in some fresh air may have calmed her down, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t nervous about facing her mother again so soon.
It seemed like a strange thing to try to hide. But Sayu was such a conscientious person, she was probably just trying not to show how vulnerable she was.
“Are you ready, then, Mr. Yoshida…?”
“Yes.”
I left Sayu by the door and followed Issa into the living room.
Once there, I locked eyes with Sayu’s mother. She was still sitting in the same chair as the last time I’d seen her.
She quickly looked away, turning to Issa in search of an explanation.
“What?” she asked.
“Mr. Yoshida wants to talk to you again, Mom.”
When she heard this, she turned back toward me. Then she narrowed her eyes, scowled, and repeated her question.
“What?” It was the same word that she’d said to Issa, but it sounded much more scathing when directed at me. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“I want to sincerely apologize for what happened earlier. I lost control and didn’t think about what I was saying…”
“Excuse me? You’ve been rude enough as it is, coming into my home like this. It’s a little late to try to act polite now, don’t you think?”
Sayu’s mother seemed completely unapproachable. She dismissed whatever I had to say with a wave of her hand, as if she was swatting a fly.
After glaring at me for a moment, she sighed.
“You…didn’t put your hands on her, did you?”
“I swear to you I did not,” I answered immediately.
Sayu’s mother held her tongue for a few seconds. Her expression was hard to describe.
When she eventually spoke, her voice came out shaky, and she sounded a little baffled.
“Then why…would you do so much for her?”
I got the feeling this question was far more emotionally charged for Sayu’s mother than I knew.
I recalled Issa asking me much the same thing once before. Back then, I’d admitted that the real reason I let her stay with me might have been because she was cute.
There was no way I could say that to Sayu’s mother, though. Honesty wasn’t always the best policy.
And just then…a different answer sprang naturally into my mind. I quickly realized that this answer, too, was true.
I spoke slowly.
“I just…happened to meet her on the right day at the right time… That’s all there is to it.”
I could hear Issa gasp beside me. I saw emotion gather in his mother’s eyes. After staring at me for a few seconds, she breathed a deep sigh.
“…Right,” she said.
It was the kind of curt response I’d come to expect from her, but she seemed a little less hostile than before. Or was that my imagination?
“Um, about Sayu’s—”
“About Sayu’s future,” she said, interrupting me. “She and I will have a chat and think things through. So I’d like you…” She paused, and her next words were even calmer. “I’d like you to please go back to Tokyo tomorrow.”
“…Okay. I’ll do that,” I answered, bowing deeply.
Sensing that his mother was finished with the conversation, Issa signaled me to get up.
“Mr. Yoshida.”
“All right.”
I let Issa guide me out of the living room.
I certainly hadn’t told her everything I’d wanted to…but there was no point in dragging out the conversation when Sayu’s mother didn’t wish to continue it.
Plus…I thought back to something she’d just said.
“She and I.”
Sayu’s mother didn’t intend to decide her daughter’s future for her—they were going to talk things through and come to a conclusion together.
This must have been a big compromise for her, and perhaps it showed that she was changing.
I got the feeling that, somehow, Sayu and her mother would be able to figure things out and make their way forward.
“Oh, Mr. Yoshida…”
“Sayu?”
I found Sayu standing in the hallway just outside the living room. I tilted my head, unsure why she looked so anxious. She stared back at me, misty-eyed.
“I’ll be back in a minute.”
With that, she went into the living room.
As Issa watched her go, concern flashed briefly across his face. But soon, he turned toward me and grinned.
“I’ll take you to your room,” he said.
“Um, what about Sayu…?”
“I’m sure the two of them have a lot to discuss…”
Issa sounded calm, so I said no more and followed him up the stairs to the second floor.
I entered the living room as Mr. Yoshida and my brother left.
I could tell my heart was racing, and my breathing was a little shallow.
My mother, sitting in her chair with her head down, slowly looked up at me.
“What is it now…?” she asked, looking tired.
To be honest, the events of the day had taken their toll on me as well. I didn’t feel like talking. I just wanted to go to sleep.
But if I did that, I felt I’d lose the opportunity to say certain things I could only say now. This was my one chance.
“There are people you can only meet now and things you won’t get another chance to do.”
I thought back on Miss Yuzuha’s words.
I still didn’t like my mother, but there were some things that needed to be said.
I lightly clapped the hem of my skirt to flatten it out. Then I bent down and sat on my knees on the floor. I straightened my back, then slowly lowered my head.
“I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you,” I said.
I could hear my mother suck in her breath. She sounded surprised.
I lifted my head and looked her straight in the eye.
“To tell you the truth…you did a lot that hurt me over the years. That’s why…I ran away.”
I could feel my voice trembling as I spoke. But all the while, my heart was screaming, “Be brave! You have to tell her!”
If we both blamed each other without reflecting on our actions, we would be opposed for the rest of our lives.
“But as a result, I caused problems for you, for Issa…and for other people, too. That’s undeniable. So…”
We needed to acknowledge our mistakes and slowly talk things out.
“So I’m sorry,” I said. I made sure not to break eye contact as I spoke.
My mother appeared shocked and a little taken aback. Then she shook her head.
“I’m…not going to apologize. I won’t,” she said before looking down at the floor.
In her eyes, I saw a bottomless well of sadness.
“I just…I just don’t know…where I went wrong.”
These words were painful for me, too. They must bear the weight of my mother’s past—a past I didn’t know.
I could more or less guess why my mother held a particular animosity toward me and me alone. My existence must have been the reason my father wasn’t around anymore. I suspected the two things were somehow inextricably linked. Neither my mother nor my brother had told me directly, but even I was able to piece together the clues.
As I knelt there, unable to reply, my mother whispered something.
“…But when that man said those things, I realized he was right.”
The “man” she was talking about had to be Mr. Yoshida. I stayed silent and waited for her to elaborate.
My mother’s eyes darted around the floor, as if she was searching for the right words. At last, she slowly looked up at me. She sounded a bit unsure as she spoke.
“I’m…the only parent you have.”
I’d never heard her sound so gentle.
My eyes immediately began to well with tears. All I could do was nod and agree.
“……Yeah…!”
When she saw my reaction, she continued brusquely, an indiscernible look on her face.
“Do your best here until you graduate high school. I’m sure you’ll have to repeat the year.”
“…Yeah.”
“After that…you’re free to do as you please.”
“……Thanks.”
With that simple exchange, our conversation was over.
Feeling like I wouldn’t be able to express myself any better than I already had, I got up and slowly left the room.
“…Haaah.”
Once outside, I exhaled, leaned against the wall of the hallway, and slumped down onto the floor. I thought I’d used up all my tears with Mr. Yoshida earlier, but now they were pouring down my face all over again.
My anxiety had completely vanished.
I’d done what I’d set out to do.
Even I knew there were a million reasons for my tears.
And yet, more than anything else…
…I was crying because I was happy.
It had been brief, but for the first time in my life, I’d had a calm conversation with my mother without either of us acting out.
I was surprised by how happy that made me.
For a few minutes, I just sat there in the hallway, crying without making a sound.