Maybe it was only a few minutes; maybe it was almost an hour.
Unaware of how much time was passing, I simply sat against the stone wall in front of the door, with Sayu next to me, and cried until I was totally exhausted.
The sky had cleared since we visited her old high school. As I stared blankly up at it, I noticed that we had a good view of the stars. They were even brighter and more brilliant than the ones Sayu had shown me at that park up on the hill.
“The stars are so beautiful…it’s almost obnoxious,” I whispered to Sayu, recalling what she’d said about Hokkaido’s gorgeous night sky.
“Told you so,” she replied. I could see her shoulders shaking—she must be laughing.
Since I’d only just stopped crying, my vision was still blurry. Because of that—no, thanks to that, the stars overhead were like a dazzling kaleidoscope.
I spent a few moments staring at them, captivated, before Sayu hesitantly broke the silence.
“Hey, Mr. Yoshida.”
“Yeah?”
“When you bowed your head to my mother…it felt like all my mistakes had been forgiven.”
“Huh?”
I looked at Sayu, but her eyes were fixed on the starry sky above us. The stars’ light reflected in her moist eyes, making them sparkle.
“It made me realize that…even though I’ve messed up in all sorts of ways…it wasn’t for nothing,” she said, placing one of her hands on top of mine. The chilly evening air had left my skin icy cold, and her touch felt incredibly warm.
Sayu abruptly turned my way, a relaxed smile on her face.
“…I’m all right now.”
My breath caught in my throat.
Her words and expression implied a resilience that I’d never seen from her before. Within her smile, I sensed a calm, unwavering determination.
“I know I’ll be able to make it on my own…even when you’re gone.” She paused. I felt her grip tighten around my hand. “So…there’s no need to worry about me, okay?”
Her fingers trembled slightly as she spoke, but I decided not to point that out.
No matter how prepared or brave you felt, taking the first step was always a frightening prospect. Even I knew that.
“I know,” I said succinctly, squeezing her hand in return. “You’ve got this.”
I left it at that and looked back up at the stars.
As we sat there, hand in hand, staring at the sky, a certain memory floated up in my mind. It was something Asami had said and Sayu had told me.
“From the perspective of the stars, each of us is insignificant, but we all have histories and futures of our own.”
When I’d first heard this, I hadn’t associated it with my own life. But now I saw things differently.
A decent amount of time had passed since Sayu and I first met. But what did that look like from a stranger’s perspective? From the world’s perspective? From the universe’s perspective?
The farther you zoomed out, the more insignificant our existence must have seemed. And yet, by some twist of fate, Sayu’s path had crossed with mine…and a little story was born.
Perhaps one day I would look back on this time in my life. By then…would Sayu have grown into a proper adult?
✦ ✦ ✦
My sense of time grew hazy as I looked up at the night sky, pondering all the possibilities.
The only thing I could feel was the warmth from Sayu’s hand as I gazed with childlike wonder at the stars.
“What’s going on already…?”
I gently rubbed my mother’s back as she sat hunched over with her head in her hands.
“It’s all right, Mom… Relax.”
Her body was shaking. It was hard to believe that this was the same woman who’d been screaming her head off just a few minutes earlier—she looked incredibly small now.
She hadn’t always been like this. I’d witnessed my mother’s smile fade with my own eyes. Much like with Sayu, it had been a gradual process.
Mom always smiled cheerfully around my father. She was so pretty that I could see it even as a child.
I remembered noticing how much Sayu resembled our mother as she grew.
They both should have kept those beautiful smiles, but my father managed to mess it all up.
How many times had I wished that the three of us could have just forgotten about him and carried on enjoying our lives? But I could never bring myself to say it.
Once I was old enough to understand our family’s situation, I began to comprehend the painful extent to which my mother loved my father.
Why do people fall in love with those who don’t love them back? Unrequited love only leads to suffering.
I fixed my eyes on my mother’s hunched and trembling back as I reflected on the past.
“Why would a stranger—someone who doesn’t know anything—speak to me like that…?” she murmured feebly.
“Mom…”
I was at a loss for what to say to her.
Mr. Yoshida was always going to be on Sayu’s side. He may have heard what happened to Sayu and my mother, but that didn’t mean he had a realistic grasp of all the conflict and pain that came with it.
What he had said to my mother was right. That was why I had joined him on the floor. Despite that, I still had just as much sympathy for my mother.
“I know…,” Mom whispered.
“What?”
“I know…it’s true…” Her voice trembled as she squeezed out the words. “Now that he’s gone, I’m the only parent she’s got… Even I know that…”
I felt a pain in my chest. My mother had just acknowledged reality.
She’d known it was true all along—she simply hadn’t wanted to accept it. I’d known it, too. Sayu…must have as well.
“But…then…” My mother began trembling once more, her sobs echoing vainly through the room. “…What was I supposed to do…?”
I tried as hard as I could to hold back my tears.
There was nothing she could have done. Mom still had a gaping wound in her heart—just like Sayu. She didn’t know how to live with that pain while taking care of the child who sat at the root of it.
It really was…a hopeless situation.
“Mom…”
I continued to gently rub her back, desperately trying to choose the right words.
“…Take it one step at a time, no more… You just have to stay positive.”
“……”
“Since meeting that man—Mr. Yoshida—Sayu’s started to feel a little more positive about her future, too.”
Someone had to tell her—tell her that this was wrong, that we’d messed up somewhere. Yes, someone had to tell her, but…
Despite being the only one who could, I found myself unable to say it. I wasn’t brave enough to poke at our family’s exposed wounds.
Mr. Yoshida had been the one to tell Sayu, after they met by chance. And then she’d reflected on the path she’d taken, even though it was hard to face.
At some point, everyone had to look back on the life they’d led. You had to grit your teeth and make peace with your mistakes. There was no avoiding it.
For our family, that time was now.
“Mom, you—no, we—need to look ahead and think…about the future. It’s fine if you can only take baby steps.”
“……Ungh…”
My mother let out a sob. She was shaking again, and I could hear sniffling coming from her small, hunched form.
“Mom…”
“Issa… I…”
“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. You’ve got me…”
She began to sob loudly, her voice strained. I simply carried on slowly rubbing her back.
With every tear that rolled down her face, it felt like she released more of the painful feelings that had been weighing her down.
A little while later, she finally stopped crying and whispered, “I’ll take care of her…until she graduates high school.”
“What?”
“…Sayu. After that, I’ll let her do whatever she wants.”
My mother finally looked at me. Her lips formed an awkward smile.
“I’m sure I’ll end up causing even more trouble for you, Issa.”
“Mom… I assure you, I’m fine. It’s no trouble. After all”—I continued to fight back tears as I spoke—“I’m…your son.”
Her eyes went wide, filling with tears.
“…Yes, you’re right.”