Strange feelings swirled in my heart.
I’d come close to throwing water over Sayu’s mother’s head but had somehow managed to quell the impulse… I felt like I had two conflicting emotions inside me.
Rage quietly boiled in the pit of my stomach. At the same time, an overpowering sense of calm seemed to be overriding it, telling me to stay cool and forming a kind of coating over all my other emotions.
I was definitely angry, but I was also composed.
Still experiencing this strange feeling, I slowly put my thoughts into words.
“Just as a parent can’t choose their child, a child can’t choose their parents.”
My voice was low and a little shaky. I couldn’t tell if it was from my anger or my effort to suppress it.
We don’t come into this world by choice. Mothers and fathers get together, and children are born, regardless of how those children feel about it.
Should a child shoulder the responsibility for their own birth?
I didn’t think so.
The time to take responsibility for one’s life was adulthood. Children were still immature, both physically and psychologically. It seemed to me they were in no place to bear that burden on their own.
No matter how unloved they were or how unfortunate their circumstances…children still had to survive. And yet, they didn’t have the means to do it alone.
Regardless, Sayu had struggled on and on…and been hurt time and time again.
“No matter what, you’re the…only parent Sayu has,” I said. My voice came out strained as I suppressed my anger. Or was it sadness? “Children…don’t know how to take care of themselves without their parents’ protection.”
I wasn’t confident that I was getting across what I wanted to say. My rage and sadness had left me unable to think straight, and yet words continued to pour out of my mouth.
Sayu’s mother simply sat there and listened to me, her eyes wide.
“If you’re going to put her down like that…then I’d prefer to have her instead. I…I’d like to take care of her.”
Her mother frowned disapprovingly, and Sayu gasped.
Those were my true feelings, and I found myself unable to lie.
“But…” I sighed. My throat was burning as I shook my head. “But I can’t… I can’t ask for something so unreasonable.”
That much was clear. I could never be Sayu’s father.
“She’s not my responsibility… I don’t have the right to take her on.”
It was her real family’s job to take responsibility for her and help her when she had a problem. And that responsibility brought obligations with it… It wasn’t something to be taken lightly.
I didn’t have any of that. When push came to shove, I couldn’t protect a child with love alone.
I slowly pulled back my chair.
I moved to where Sayu’s mother would be able to see me, then got down on my knees.
“It has to be you. No one else has the right to take care of her! So I’m begging you…please…!”
I lowered my head. And then…I pressed my forehead to the floor.
I was begging her from the depths of my soul.
“Please…”
My body was trembling, and my breath burned hot.
“Please look after her…until she’s old enough to make it on her own.”
I was still on the floor as I said this. Even with my head bowed, I could tell that the other three were losing their composure.
“Mr. Yoshida, you don’t have to…”
“You’re not even family. So why…?”
I heard Sayu and then her mother address me. They both sounded perplexed.
“Please! I’m begging you!” I cried once more, my head still lowered.
Almost immediately, I heard the clatter of someone else getting up from their chair.
“I’m begging you, too, Mom…!”
“Issa…?!”
Issa was now on the ground with me, in front of his mother. Sayu was obviously shaken by what was happening.
I slowly looked up at her mother to find her face was as white as a sheet.
“Wh-what…? What’s happening…?” she mumbled incoherently.
Her breathing grew shallower, and then she, too, got up from her seat. Her chair scraped across the floor.
“Get out… Get out!” she screamed. Her confusion was sending her over the edge.
Issa got up right away, his face full of dread again.
“It’s all right. It’s all right,” he repeated, rubbing his mother’s back and sitting her down again.
“What…? What’s going on…?” she continued to mumble quietly to herself.
Issa quickly walked over to me.
“I apologize, but do you mind heading out for a moment?” he whispered.
I nodded firmly and stood up.
“Can you go with him, Sayu?” he added.
“S-sure…”
Keeping one eye on her mother, Sayu did as her brother said and left the living room.
I followed suit, and Issa came to the door and shut it behind him. Then he looked at Sayu and me in turn.
“Leave the rest of this to me. You two should go outside and get some air.”
He offered us a reassuring smile and stepped back into the living room.
A few seconds later, I heard the faint sounds of Issa and his mother talking from the other side of the door. If I’d stayed, I probably could have made out what they were saying. But I didn’t think that was what Issa wanted.
“…Let’s do what your brother suggested.”
“Y-yeah.”
I quickly slipped on my shoes in the entryway and exited the house. A moment later, Sayu joined me.
The air outside was cool, and before I started thinking about anything else, I sucked in a deep breath. After the crisp air had passed through my throat, I felt a little more at ease. I could feel the emotion pent up inside me gradually subside.
“……”
Once the tension left my body, I started shaking. It didn’t take long for me to realize it wasn’t anger I was feeling.
That’s when my vision blurred.
Before I knew it, I was squatting down on the ground.
“Mr. Yoshida…?” Sayu called out from behind me.
She ran over, crouched by my side, and took a look at my face. I immediately tried to turn away, but…she must have seen me.
I heard her gasp in shock.
“M-Mr. Yoshida, why are you…?” she began, placing a hand on my hunched back. “Why are you crying…?”
She sounded like she didn’t know what to do.
I said nothing and furiously wiped my tears away with my sleeve. I’d spent so long trying not to cry in front of her. But this time, there was no fighting it.
Tears poured down my face.
The feeling in me now was crystal clear—I was overcome with sadness.
“Y-you told me about…” Holding back my sobs, I tried to put the heat rising up inside me into words. “You told me about how your mother…treated you, so I should have known what to expect…”
Sayu kept her gaze fixed on the side of my face.
All the while, tears kept streaming down my cheeks. They wouldn’t stop.
“But…actually hearing her say that she never should have had you was…so much more painful than I thought.”
Those words had been directed at Sayu, not at me. And yet, I could imagine vividly how it would feel to hear them.
I knew how I’d feel if one of my parents had told me as a child—completely seriously—that they wished I’d never been born. The thought alone made me feel sick and desperately miserable at the same time.
“I can’t stand…that she’d say something like that…”
“I-it’s all right, Mr. Yoshida.”
“It’s not all right!”
I raised my voice without thinking and startled Sayu.
I turned toward her, knowing my face was probably a mess.
“Get angry… Talk back…… Give her what she deserves…!” I said.
Sayu’s eyes widened with surprise, then slowly filled with tears.
And yet, she didn’t cry.
“Mr. Yoshida.”
There was a big grin on Sayu’s face. I had no idea how she could smile at a time like this, but her expression didn’t falter as she continued.
“I was going to get angry, too… But you beat me to it.” Then, in a gentler voice, she added, “Thanks, Mr. Yoshida…”
Unable to reply, I kept wiping at my endless tears with my shirtsleeve. Sayu rubbed my back as I bawled like a baby just outside the front door.
At first, I was ashamed that Sayu was seeing me like this, pathetically sobbing my eyes out. But I gradually stopped caring.
I’d always been pathetic.
Once I realized this, it seemed ridiculous to try to play it cool. And so, for the first time in years, I cried until I had no tears left.