I sighed and shook my head. “I’m tired, so I lay down. That’s all.”
“No one sleeps with their eyes wide open like that.” She tapped her foot impatiently as she glared at me. “Sure it’s not about Mizuno?”
“Why do you think that?” I knew it was annoying to answer a question with a question, but Odajima was prying into my private life, so I went ahead.
Her eyes darted around awkwardly in response. I wondered why. “…I saw you two together yesterday.”
“What?” I blurted out, confused.
Odajima waved her hand in front of her face nervously. “W-well, you know how we both live near the same station?”
“Yeah…”
Ai and I had been walking around in the shopping district right next to that station the day before. I hadn’t even considered that someone might see us, since it had been the weekend.
“Well, I was wandering around the shops yesterday, and I just happened to see you two.”
“Oh.”
I knew that Odajima didn’t like being at home on the weekends. She seemed to feel sorry about seeing us, but there was no reason for me to be mad at her for something like that.
The problem was that Odajima was curious now. And to be honest, I didn’t want her to ask me a bunch of questions.
“Looked like you two were having a fun date.”
I frowned. “It’s not like that.”
“Then, did something happen afterward?”
“Why are you asking me this?” My voice sounded colder than I’d intended.
Odajima hesitated for a moment but then pouted and raised her voice. “Because you’re making that face, obviously!”
“Making what face?”
“Like the world’s gonna end!” she yelled at me angrily, pointing.
What was she so mad about?
“You always look so calm, and no matter what I do in the clubroom, you never even raise an eyebrow, but now you’re totally different!”
“Yeah, but who cares what you do in here?”
“Wh-who cares…?”
Her mouth flapped open and closed for a moment, then she fell silent again.
It wasn’t like we were actually conducting club activities here. If someone felt like they belonged, I honestly didn’t care what they did. I was just here because I loved reading. If someone asked me if I was really serious about the literature club, I’d probably say no.
Odajima was speechless for a few seconds and looked around helplessly. When she finally spoke, her eyes flashed with anger again. “Th-then I’m right! That means now you do care what’s happening to you!”
“……”
She’d hit me where it hurt, and I fell silent.
The day before, I’d told Ai how I felt and very clearly rejected her. And I thought by doing that, I would finally be free of our shared past. And yet a day had gone by, and I was still thinking about her.
“Unlike you, I can’t stand it when someone is in the same space with me looking upset!” Odajima jabbed a finger at me.
I angrily stood up from my chair. “Maybe I’ll just go home, then!”
“That’s not what I meant!”
Her yelling just confused me. I didn’t understand why she was angry.
“Listen, I’m sorry if I did something to upset you,” I said. “But I’ll probably be like this all day… So I think I’ll just go home.”
She shook her head vehemently. “No. That’s not what I’m talking about.” She seemed frantic now as she looked at me. She was clearly mad about something, but it didn’t seem like it was just my expression. “What I’m trying to say is that if you care about her so much that it affects your mood like this, then maybe you should try harder to fix whatever’s going on!”
For the first time, I realized what she was trying to say. And simultaneously, I thought, Why did Odajima have to be the one to tell me this?
I was in a lot more pain than she thought I was. I couldn’t change the past, and yet I’d been dragging it around ever since. And just when enough time passed that I finally thought I could forget about Ai, she had showed up in front of me again.
At first, I was confused, but I was finally able to cleanly break off our relationship. I was sure the pain I now felt in my heart would disappear with time.
But Odajima was poking at my wounds with her bare hands and telling me I had to do something about the pain right that instant. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, and I wanted to make that clear to her. “…You’ve got no right to tell me that, Odajima.”
Her eyes widened. “Ah, um…,” she stammered quietly. The anger faded from her face, replaced with sadness.
I’d hurt her.
It was hard to watch the change in her expression.
But that sadness lasted only a moment. Anger flared once again, as if she’d just remembered it.
“Fine, I see how it is! Stay here and mope around forever for all I care! You can have the sofa back, too!” She spoke quickly before grabbing her backpack and standing up. Then she stormed out of the room. “Yuzu…” She glared at me from just outside, her hand on the doorknob. I looked away. “Lately you’re being reeeeeally uncool, you know?” And with that, she violently slammed the door and stomped off into the hallway.
I sighed.
My anger had been an honest reaction to what she’d said, but at the same time, I’d acted really immature. I was just sulking and returning tit for tat.
Normally I didn’t care what others said about me, but I became completely useless when Ai was involved. It was like I couldn’t control my emotions.
“Haah…” Now that I was alone in the room, I trudged over to the sofa and flopped back down on it.
“Maybe you should try harder to fix whatever’s going on!”
Odajima’s words ran through my head.
“Yeah, but how?” I muttered childishly to no one in particular. “What am I supposed to do?”
How was I supposed to solve the problem?
The idea of finding a solution sounded good, but I wasn’t sure what that might look like in this situation. Because in the end, it was a matter of my and Ai’s feelings.
And she probably hated me after what I’d said to her the day before. In fact, I hoped she did. Because if she acted like nothing had happened the next time I saw her, I would have no idea what to say.
How was I supposed to react to someone who kept trying to leap into my arms after I told them that I’d been the one to trap them?
I didn’t understand anything anymore.
“…I’ll just go home.” I stood up from the sofa, locked up, and headed toward the faculty office.
There were still a few hours left before club activities were over. And since it was summer, it was still light outside.
I changed my shoes near the entrance and absently glanced out at the field where the baseball team was practicing. Their enthusiasm for the sport and drive to win seemed so dazzling to me. If I had something like that to devote myself to, maybe I wouldn’t have time to worry about stuff like this, I thought. I shook my head and started walking. I didn’t want to linger here any longer—I’d be in trouble if I bumped into Ai.
After all, the school after hours was like her playground.
“………You’re doing it again,” I muttered with a sigh. I was angry at myself for thinking about Ai. I quickened my steps and headed for the school gates. Just as I got close, my phone vibrated inside my pocket. It was unusual for anyone to contact me at this time of day. Surprised, I took it out.
There was a notification from a messaging app on the screen. I’d gotten a text from Odajima.
This is just a rumor, but I heard that Andou from our class is totally crazy about Mizuno.
I read her message and snorted. If she was so pissed, why go to all the trouble of sending me something like this? I couldn’t be sure, but maybe it was her way of showing she cared. Still, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say in response.
Oh.
That was all I wrote. I started to put my phone back in my pocket, but it vibrated again.
Jerk.
Indecisive idiot.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
She texted me a bunch of times in succession. I picked out a picture of a weird cat giving a thumbs-up sign—Odajima had sent it to me before—pressed send, and put my phone back in my pocket.
“Well…” I frowned and let out a deep sigh. “It’s none of my business.”
That’s right. It had nothing to do with me.
For a moment, I imagined Ai walking side by side with someone else, then I shook my head to get rid of the image and began trudging home.