“Asada. How far have you gone with Mizuno?”
I remember being so irritated every time a boy in my class would ask me that.
After being friends for a while, Ai confessed her feelings to me, and I happily accepted.
I loved her free-spirited nature, and I felt like I alone was able to recognize and accept it. I knew that was the reason why she had trusted me enough to open up her heart.
But as our relationship went on, I started to feel my own heart clouding over. The reason was that even after we started dating, nothing had changed about our relationship.
“You’ve at least kissed her, right?”
Even though all the guys in my class gossiped about how Ai was a “troublemaker,” they all fantasized about her because of her looks. That was why they kept asking me the same questions over and over again, trying to pry intimate information about her out of me.
When they did, I could only respond vaguely and brush them off. Nothing was happening, so there was nothing to tell. Since we started dating, surprisingly little had changed from when we were friends.
We hung out as friends and did things friends did together.
Even when we went on dates, it was common for the planned activity to totally change when the actual day rolled around, and sometimes she would call me at the last minute and say, “Sorry! I have something else I wanna do today!”
At first, I simply wrote it off as the way she was and put up with it. She was that kind of person, and I was the type of guy who could accept her. That was what I kept telling myself anyway, and how I ignored my own dissatisfaction at the fact that Ai wasn’t giving me any special treatment.
But at the same time, I was only in junior high and not emotionally mature yet. So eventually, I reached my breaking point.
“I’m really looking forward to the movie.”
Ai and I had plans to go see a movie one day. We were killing time at the park, sitting atop the elephant slide until it was time to go. I told her I was looking forward to it, and she looked at me and smiled a little awkwardly.
“Oh, right… About that.” The moment she started, I sighed. I knew she was going to cancel on me again, and I was incredibly disappointed. “There’s supposed to be a meteor shower visible tonight about thirty minutes after the movie starts.”
“Okay.”
“I was thinking maybe we could go watch it!”
“What about the movie?” I asked.
She flinched. My voice had come out lower than I’d meant it to, and I’d scared her. I found I didn’t really care. Her eyes darted around as she chose her words carefully. “We can go see that movie anytime. But the meteor shower…”
“Listen!” I raised my voice. She flinched again and looked at me. “Do you not care about the promises we make?” I asked, my voice still low. Her mouth opened with surprise, and she shook her head.
“It’s not that at all! I like spending time with you and—”
“Then why do you keep breaking all the promises you’ve made with me?!” I couldn’t take it anymore and started shouting at her. “I always look forward to hanging out with you. The day before our dates, my heart always pounds just thinking about it, and I get so excited when it’s finally time. But I guess you don’t feel that way!”
“Yuzuru? No, I…”
“I’m right, aren’t I?!” I yelled. She stared at me, speechless, her eyes round and wavering like she didn’t know what to do.
I had all this resentment built up inside me, and I just continued venting it. “You only wanted a friend, didn’t you? You wanted a friend who understood you. And I just happened to show up at a convenient time, and you have fun being with me, but that’s all.”
“That’s not it!”
“Then tell me so I can understand! You just keep jerking me around… I’m sick of you being the only one having fun…”
That was how I honestly felt. But my words became a knife that stabbed right into her heart. She looked like she was going to cry.
“N-no… Yuzuru, I…”
“Let’s just break up, Ai.”
I’d been thinking about it for a while now. We’d both be much happier if we broke up. She wouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around me anymore, and it’d be a lot less stressful for me, too.
I’d thought about it a lot, but my love for her kept getting in the way.
When Ai heard me say those words, she froze and stared at me, looking astonished.
My eyes filled with tears. “We should never have gone out. We should’ve just stayed friends…”
She weakly shook her head. “Yuzuru, please wait… I had no idea that I’d hurt you. So I’m sor—”
“You don’t have to apologize!” I yelled, interrupting her. She let out an audible, high-pitched gasp. “There’s no need for that, Ai.” My tears overflowed, and I didn’t even bother wiping them away as I spoke. “You’re a butterfly who wants to fly around and be free, right?”
Her face crumpled. I was being childish, mercilessly trampling Ai’s heart. I knew I was hurting her, but I couldn’t stop.
That was how much pain I’d gradually built up, being in this relationship with her.
“Don’t worry about me and live your life how you want…,” I said. “I’m sorry, too.”
“Yuzuru, you’re wrong… I’m telling you, you’ve misunderstood.”
“Goodbye, Ai.”
“Yuzuru!!”
I didn’t stay to hear Ai out. I simply ran away from her and left the park.
My love was so selfish. I’d been drawn to her because of her free-spirited nature, but once I became the one closest to her, I’d started to despise it.
I should have been happy to be the one who understood her the best, but at some point, I realized that I was tired of understanding her.
Ultimately, I’d been drawn to her dazzling sparkle because it was something I didn’t have, and all I’d done was reach for it. Our relationship only gave me a sense of powerlessness, and then it ended.
After that, if I saw Ai in the hallway, I didn’t talk to her and tried to avoid her whenever possible. At some point, I heard she had transferred schools because of her dad’s job. Good. I’ll just forget her, I thought.
I figured that as time passed, she’d forget me, too. She’d go off to some new place and live freely there.
And so I tried to move on, tried to forget her so many times. But then she showed up again, as free-spirited as ever, and insisted that she still loved me…
“Yuzu, that’s my seat.”
I was lying sprawled out on the sofa, thinking about Ai.
Abruptly, I realized Odajima was standing next to me, staring down into my face. Oh, she’s here again today.
“This sofa doesn’t belong to you,” I said, and she clicked her tongue.
“Yeah, well, it’s not your bed, either. When you lie on it like that, there’s no room for me to sit down. You’re totally in my way.”
“Is that any way to talk to the club president…?”
“Ahhh, you’re so annoying! Get out of the way! Come on, get up!” Odajima lost her patience with me and shoved her arms in between my body and the sofa, wrenching my back off the cushions as she tried to force me to get up.
When she leaned over, her chest was directly level with my eyes. Her shirt was unbuttoned down to the second button, and I could see her cleavage and bra. I awkwardly averted my eyes and decided to get up on my own.
“You should really fasten that second button,” I said, still looking away.
She glared at me suspiciously and then looked down at her chest, hastily trying to cover it up. “…Scumbag.”
“I’m not the one walking around with my shirt unbuttoned.”
“I’m not even wearing a cute bra today…”
“That’s not the point.”
She shot me a defiant look as she plopped down beside me.
Even though the sofa was big enough for three people, once both of us were sitting on it, she felt much closer than I’d anticipated, and I started to feel uncomfortable.
I ended up standing and moving to my usual chair.
Odajima pouted and then sat back down on the middle cushion, her arms crossed. “So?”
“What?”
“What are you depressed about?” She hesitantly glanced over at me.