Getting up during summer holidays was hard. I felt like the sun was right above my head, pushing me down. I’d been lying on the futon wrapped in a thin blanket, tossing and turning all night. Not being able to sleep wasn’t new to me. I’d spent plenty of nights wide awake in someone’s house, scared I’d hear the door open in the darkness. In my memories, the darkness of those nights was white. But the reason I couldn’t sleep that night was different. It was…sickness. Love sickness. Even just saying that in my mind made me so embarrassed I drew the blanket over my face. No one was even looking at me. I wanted to see Ms. Chiki. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see her, I wanted to see her, I wanted to see her. The wish was repeating itself over and over like an earworm. Maybe I had some kind of mental illness. After all, it had only been five days since I’d last been with Ms. Chiki. I hadn’t gone out anywhere on any of those days, though, and that had made them feel longer. It was like trying to walk to the end of the shadow cast by a sundial, but the shadow kept stretching farther and farther and wouldn’t stop until I reached the ends of the earth. Whenever I looked up at the wall clock, only ten minutes had passed since the last time I’d checked. Maybe it was good, since I did a lot of studying and helping with house chores…but sooner or later, I’d run out of things to do to kill time and I’d just lie down. Not sleeping, but enduring the boredom. Should I reach out to her again? I didn’t want Ms. Chiki to think I was pestering her, though, and I didn’t know what to write in a message anyway. The more I thought about it, the more hesitant it made me. I preferred Ms. Chiki to be the one doing all the talking. She used to do that, but I no longer had the excuse of just being a purchased product. I had to get off my ass and make a move, even if it was just a little one. I didn’t want my relationship with Ms. Chiki to be like a one-way street. I sat up and anxiously procrastinated for a while, but in the end, I reached for my phone and started typing eagerly. I’d like to see you, please, I wrote, then tapped SEND without looking at the screen. I got a reply immediately: Sure! When’s good for you? My first emotion was great relief that Ms. Chiki hadn’t said no, even though she’d never done that to me before. …Maybe that was what I loved about Ms. Chiki the most—the way she indulged me. Which made me a horrible person. I’d always hated myself, and realizing I was so selfish brought my opinion of myself down even lower. Is today okay? I asked her. Not that I’d be busy the next day, or the day after that, but meeting Ms. Chiki sooner would make me the happiest. Sure! If she’d written an apology—Sorry, I’m busy—I probably wouldn’t have dared ask to meet her again. But she never said no to me, so my love for her kept me afloat. We agreed on a time and place. I left the room to get ready and saw Hoshi from behind. She was about to clean the living room. “I’m goin’ out today,” I told her uneasily. I should’ve asked Ms. Chiki to meet me later, so that I’d have time to help with the chores first. “Are you?” she said sharply. It felt like she’d thrown a rock at me. “Do you need to tell me every time?” I thought it was the right thing to do. She didn’t need to be so huffy about it. “Won’t tell you again, I guess.” “Good,” she snapped, staring at the floor. She really was in a mood, but I wasn’t going to waste time arguing with her. Hoshi ran her fingers through her hair. Then she came up to me as I was heading to the bathroom. “Will you be here for dinner?” “Um… Dunno. Dunno how long it’ll take, but I can try to be back early.” “Really.” Hoshi sounded even more pissed at me. Had I done something wrong? I wasn’t good at telling who was to blame, so I tried not to think about it. “Sorry,” I said, even though I was annoyed by Hoshi’s attitude. Ms. Chiki had told me apologizing was the quickest way toward resolving conflict, and I didn’t want any conflict with Hoshi. She was a friend. If getting out of an argument was as easy as bowing and saying sorry, I wished my head could stay totally empty, so I could bow it anytime without any effort. But at the same time, I wanted to be smart. The two might have been mutually exclusive. “I’m sorry, too,” Hoshi said, averting her gaze. She quickly walked away. We were friends, but we had a hard time getting along. Did it have something to do with Hoshi having a crush on me? I could understand her feelings. I wouldn’t be happy if Ms. Chiki was hanging out with other girls. Actually, that was an understatement. I’d be crazy jealous. I’d already been crazy jealous, and when Ms. Chiki had pointed it out to me, I’d almost cried. I had no idea how to stop that helplessness and anger. Maybe Hoshi was going through something similar. Even if she was, though, I couldn’t help her. I was the only person who could make her feel better, but I wouldn’t. I wasn’t in love with her. She was a friend, nothing more. I did see her as a friend, but that wasn’t what I was to her. If we couldn’t treat each other in the same way, maybe our relationship was doomed from the beginning. Were my feelings toward Ms. Chiki and her feelings for me the same? I didn’t have to think hard to know the answer. There seemed to be fewer people around than usual on the way to the train station. The train was also practically empty. I got a seat and didn’t have to push through crowds—going out in the morning on a weekday during summer vacation was a different experience than what I was used to. On the train I gazed out the window, thinking about Hoshi. Living with her was getting difficult. It was going to be stressful if she made a scene every time I went out. When were we going to move on to someplace else? My mom seemed to like living with the Hoshi family, though, and it didn’t look like Hoshi’s mom wanted to kick us out anytime soon, either. We couldn’t stay there forever, though. I wasn’t able to imagine what it’d be like not to be nomads anymore. We’d never stayed at one address for long. And what about my relationship with Ms. Chiki? There was no guarantee of that continuing, either. For me, every day was filled with uncertainty, from morning until night. I didn’t feel like anything in my life would last very long. Five or six stops later, it was my stop. I got off the train and walked from the station, which was prettier than the ones where I lived. Outside, I found a shaded spot and waited there, next to a small stall with a green roof and a signboard saying they were selling “panda bakes.” Were pandas even edible? I looked on curiously, keeping my distance so the seller wouldn’t mistake me for a customer. It turned out they were selling small cakes in the shape of pandas. A sweet smell was coming from the stall. Burnt sugar, maybe. I retreated to stand with my back against the wall. Guess you could eat pandas, in a way. On the right-hand side outside the station was a small clock tower. It didn’t even give much shade, but there were lots of people waiting next to it. There were also lots of pigeons. They walked around between the people, unafraid of getting stepped on. Something startled them, and they all took to the air at once. I watched the flock fly into the distance, leaving only the smell of their feathers behind at the plaza. I’d never had a morning meetup with Ms. Chiki before. Was this…a date? Maybe it was weird to have our first date after all we’d done in the bedroom. But our relationship had been different before, and I…wasn’t that much in love with Ms. Chiki yet? Or was I? When I’d first laid eyes on her, I thought she was gorgeous… Was that when I had fallen in love with her? No, couldn’t be—I didn’t trust her back then… But had I ever really learned to trust her? Maybe I had fallen in love with her… Love at first sight. I had no idea a person could make your world seem perfect just with how they looked, and before Ms. Chiki, I’d never expected anything good from another person. I used to be scared of everyone. Although, to be frank, Ms. Chiki scared me in many ways, too. “A date with Ms. Chiki…” I was filled with anticipation, but not like when we were going to a hotel. Before a hotel meetup, I had this hard sensation in the pit of my stomach, but when I was expecting to go on a date, I was restless, and my skin tingled. The wait was dragging on, although it was probably as short as the gap between the arrivals of two trains going in the same direction. Then Ms. Chiki appeared, wearing a simple, casual outfit. She gave me a little wave. “Ah…” I gasped, my breath feeling ticklish on my tongue. It was a response coming straight from the heart. Or from the bottom of my heart? When I saw Ms. Chiki, something that had been lodged inside my chest began to melt, spreading slowly through my body, like sticky chocolate fondue, leaving behind trails of joy and anxiety. “You’re early, Umin!” “‘U-Umin’?!” “Let’s go.” She took my hand, wrapping her silky fingers around mine. Apparently she wasn’t going to explain why she’d come up with a nickname for me. Not only was she taller than me, but her hands were bigger. The warmth of her hand pressed against mine felt different from the summer heat. I looked up at the wide-brimmed hat she was wearing, thinking that she could pull off any aesthetic. She used sunlight for makeup, and the shade the hat cast on her face amplified her beauty. I was swept off my feet, spellbound, but somehow, Ms. Chiki’s unreal beauty only made me feel farther away from her. “Lately, you’ve been the one asking me out, Umi, not the other way around.” “Um, y-yeah.” I had only half heard her, still thinking about that nickname. Had she already reverted to plain old Umi? “Sorry for making you feel lonely. We should speak on the phone more often.” My hackles rose, and I forgot about the whole Umin thing. “I wasn’t…lonely…” “You don’t need to hide your feelings from me. Aren’t we a couple now?” Ms. Chiki raised her big hand, holding my small one, and squeezed a few times in a gesture of excitement. Each squeeze brought our hands closer together, then they separated slightly again. Air would flow into that space and then get pushed out with another squeeze. It was like breathing. “You mean it?” “Sorry?” “Do you mean it, about us bein’ a couple?” Was I no longer a paid-for sex partner? We’d never talked about that in detail, so I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with that, and me and Ms. Chiki being together didn’t seem real. “It actually doesn’t feel like we’re a couple to me at all,” I confessed. Nothing had changed—I was as thirsty to see Ms. Chiki as before, and meeting her made me both happy and anxious. “I, on the other hand, am very conscious of it,” she said to my surprise. “I wouldn’t have come out to meet you during the day if you weren’t my girlfriend.” “…” “Well, since you’re my girlfriend, I could take you to a hotel right now, too. But first…” She paused and looked around, pondering where to go. “Are you hungry?” “Um… Yeah…” I realized I’d left Hoshi’s house without eating breakfast. “Let’s go and get something to eat, then.” Ms. Chiki gestured widely with her arms, and we resumed our date. I was a little relieved that she seemed to be having fun. I wondered if we shouldn’t be splitting the check in half, though, since it was a date. Granted, all my money had originated from Ms. Chiki anyway. “Ha-ha-ha!” “Huh? What happened?” I had no idea why Ms. Chiki had laughed out of the blue. “Oh, I’m just happy! We’re going to have a meal together. It’s so much fun to think about what we’re going to do next, where I could take you.” She pushed my shoulders gently to make me stand to the side. When I looked up at her questioningly, she raised her hand to stroke my cheeks, then my hair, and my ears. “You’re special to me, Umi.” Her voice and smile were like the summer sun, baking my face red. I couldn’t cover it, because Ms. Chiki’s hands were in the way. “No other girl matters to me as much as you do.” She spoke so calmly, so coolly, while my throat was closing up. I opened my lips as if drowning, gasping for air. “No, it’s not a lie,” Ms. Chiki said, reading the words on my trembling lips. She took my hand again, and we began walking. I trailed silently behind her, watching her hair sway beneath her sun hat. My cheeks were warm, but not from the sun. If she wasn’t lying, maybe I could afford to feel happy. If she was, I’d never want to find out. Not far from the station, we arrived at a building with a narrow staircase lined with store signs. There was a kimono rental store, a beautician, a Japanese restaurant, a rickshaw tours office, and lastly, a barbecue restaurant. Were people supposed to visit the stores in that order? The second-floor walls were a sooty black, both from dirt and from lack of sunlight. I reached to touch the wall with my finger to check if it really was that grimy, but I changed my mind for my own cleanliness. I was with Ms. Chiki, I reminded myself, so I shouldn’t do anything weird that might make her ashamed of me. The barbecue place had only just opened. There were no other customers yet, and the staff were chatting among themselves. One of them led us to a table by the window, which I thought was a poor choice, since in summer it was hottest by the windows. I was right—the chairs were burning hot. At least they had the air-conditioning on and blowing air that was actually cold, so the top half of me was cooling down. “You like meat, so I thought I’d bring you here.” “I do, yeah… But I’ve never been to a place like this.” There was a hot plate in the middle of the table, and I guessed we’d be doing the grilling ourselves, but I had no clue how to grill meat. Ms. Chiki called the server and ordered a lot of different cuts of meat. Korean-style marinated ribs were the only bit I’d heard of. She seemed to be ordering so much, I started worrying we might not be able to eat it all. “Eat as much as you like.” “…Thanks.” “Is something the matter?” Ms. Chiki had picked up on my uneasiness. I hesitated for a moment, but decided to tell her the truth. “I…don’t really like eatin’ in front of you.” “Why?” “I eat like an animal.” No one had ever taught me table manners, so I’d had to learn how to feed myself. That’s why I was a total barbarian at the table. No one had sown the seeds of culture in me. Ms. Chiki, on the other hand, was always infinitely graceful. It looked that way to me, at least. Since I’d never been shown how to eat properly, I had nothing to compare Ms. Chiki to. I couldn’t tell if she was really so perfect, or if she seemed perfect because she was beautiful. In any case, I was uncivilized, and that made me ashamed. “Sometimes, I feel like crying because I’m so pathetic.” Why had a good-for-nothing like me fallen in love with someone who had everything? …Was it because she had everything? Yeah, that was probably it. Nobody could love a person who had nothing to offer. Someone who didn’t know how to make others love them. “Hmm…” Ms. Chiki closed her eyes for a moment. Then she briskly stood up and walked to my side to sit next to me. The other side of the table was empty. Ms. Chiki put chopsticks in my hand. “Today we’ll learn how to properly hold the chopsticks and the rice bowl,” she said, like a TV personality from an educational show. Wait, what? I was also extremely conscious of the warmth of her fingertips on my hand. “I don’t think we should do this.” “Why not?” “I may cry. I don’t want to. Not here, in a restaurant…” “You don’t need to worry what others think, hon,” Ms. Chiki whispered into my ear. For some reason, that brought tears to my eyes. I’d done that already—cried before I’d even caught up with my emotions. Ms. Chiki was filling the gaps in me. She was making me complete, like she was all I’d been missing. She made me overflow with happiness. I couldn’t help thinking what it’d be like if I lost her. My eyes had quickly filled with tears. I couldn’t clearly see the server who’d brought us the meat Ms. Chiki had ordered. “Don’t worry, we’re eating. Keep them coming!” “Yes, ma’am,” the server replied, carefully avoiding looking at us. It was weird to have a crying customer. I felt embarrassed. I had to put up with it, though, to keep Ms. Chiki close to me. “Why does this keep happenin’…? Every time you’re nice to me, I cry.” Hoshi would do nice things for me sometimes, but it never made me tear up. Were there different types of kindness? What was the secret ingredient in Ms. Chiki’s kindness? Would I ever develop a resistance to it and stop crying over everything? “Because you wear your heart on your sleeve,” Ms. Chiki said tenderly, stroking my back. It wouldn’t be until some time later that I would understand what she meant. “Are you full?” “Yes… The food was delicious.” “Good. Very good. What shall we do now…? Hmm… Hmm…” We’d left the restaurant and walked down the stairs to street level, where the sun shone on us again. Ms. Chiki looked me up and down. I thought maybe I’d spilled some sauce on myself. I held my shirt out to check, but I couldn’t see any stains. “Let’s go shopping for clothes.” “Clothes…for me?” “Yes, sweetie! I have some ideas for what I’d like to see you wear.” Ms. Chiki hadn’t really eaten much at the restaurant, but she happily took my hand again and we started walking together. “It must be the change of perspective. I used to be only interested in seeing you naked, but now I’m also thrilled at the thought of dressing you up all cute. I’m truly venturing into new territory.” “Um… Hmm…” Her cheerful confidence almost distracted me from how what she’d said wasn’t actually nice. “Being together with you is changing me, Umi. It’s absolutely wonderful.” Her exaggerated praise put me on guard. Not against Ms. Chiki, but against myself. I didn’t want to misunderstand and think she really did want me and love me. Because it couldn’t be true. I wanted both of those things, but I couldn’t let myself believe I’d achieved them. “Don’t lie to me…,” I said. It was insurance against disappointment. But…that was a mistake. Ms. Chiki stopped walking and let go of my hand. She slowly turned toward me. I saw that she wasn’t smiling. “Let’s split up.” “What?” “I can’t do anything without you accusing me of lying,” she said coldly. She was angry. At me. I’d made Ms. Chiki angry. Wait, what? Split up? What? No… No way… She wasn’t…breaking up with me, right? My knees were the first to react. My legs buckled under me, and I dropped down to the ground. It was hot from the summer sun. It didn’t hurt, but my legs seemed to melt into a hot lump. My upper body began to shake, and my face ached more and more, like it was breaking open. I couldn’t breathe and I felt cold. Was it the end? “Ms. Chi…?” I mumbled. My body was coming apart. Nothing felt real except the sensation of warmth draining from my body with each hot tear. Ms. Chiki put her hands under my arms. “Change of plans. Come on, back on your feet.” She helped me up. My knees were burning, but with effort, I managed to stand. “Let’s go and buy you what you need most right now, Umi.” “I’m sorry… I’m…I’m so sorry…” “I’m not angry.” “I’m sorry… I don’t want this… I’m sorry for everything. I don’t want to break up. I don’t want to… I’m sorry…” “If you don’t stop apologizing and listen to what I’m saying to you…” Ms. Chiki glared at me for the first time ever. My throat closed up, and I even stopped breathing. “If you don’t stop, I’m going to… Hmm, what should I do? I know! I’m going to play ‘find the nipple’ with you right here on the street.” “What…?” “The rules are, if I find your nipple five times in a row, I win.” “I— I know the rules…” I’d been hoping she’d never play that game with me again, though. Ms. Chiki grinned good-naturedly, and I awkwardly giggled, too, relaxing a little. Then Ms. Chiki held my hand, pressing her fingers more forcefully than usual, like she was trying to tell me something through them, and she started leading me somewhere. Once I was no longer panicking, I could stop the stream of apologies, and I just walked silently with my head down. I was still scared. I thought I’d just die on the spot when Ms. Chiki said she wanted to break up. Death was closer than I’d imagined. I wanted to keep on living, though, so I held on to Ms. Chiki’s hand with desperation. The sun was so strong, the white markings on the asphalt seemed to mark the boundary between life and death. It wasn’t a clothes store Ms. Chiki took me to. It was a jewelry store. The writing on the store sign used the English-derived term instead of the more familiar Japanese word. Inside, there were so many display cases with shiny objects, it would’ve been a paradise for magpies. I’d never been to a jeweler before. I’d never even peeked through the window, afraid the staff would get angry at someone like me hanging out near their store. Was what I needed the most sold in a place like this? Did Ms. Chiki mean…a dog collar? The floor and walls were in black and white with lots of lights that made the store glitter like diamonds. I had to walk carefully not to slip. A weird thought crossed my mind: If you lived in a place like that, all those lights would never let you get to sleep. “Excuse me,” Ms. Chiki called to a staff member and put one hand on my shoulder. “I’m looking for a gift for this young lady. Her name’s Umi, so I’d like something that brings to mind the ocean.” The store lady nodded in acknowledgment and took a look at me. I got the impression she was only paying attention to my face, maybe because what I was wearing wasn’t worth her consideration. It was like when people turned their eyes away from signs of disability. “Wait here a moment, Umi.” Ms. Chiki and the store lady went browsing while I was left like a child waiting for her mom to finish shopping. I watched Ms. Chiki talk with the staff while she checked out gemstones on display. The store was very overwhelming for me. I wanted Ms. Chiki to come back. Without her, I was reverting to the pitiful girl I really was. I was even more nervous than usual after she’d almost dumped me earlier. Was that how our relationship was going to be? I had to fight the urge to break down sobbing then and there. “Hmm, I don’t see anything that would be ‘it.’” “We have more in the back. Please wait a moment.” The clerk went off, and Ms. Chiki walked back to me. She smiled without saying anything. There was no deep emotion hiding behind that smile, but it made me relieved all the same. She didn’t have to hold my hand while we waited for the shop lady to come back, but she did, and she even stroked my hair. It didn’t matter if she was being nice to me or not; my eyes seemed ready to overflow with tears at the drop of a hat. “I found a ring that might have that ocean image you’re looking for. Here,” the clerk said. She placed a fabric-lined box with a blue ring in front of us. The ring was rough at the front, with an engraving like waves breaking against a rocky shore. The color changed to another shade toward the back. What was that called…gradation? The colors of the ring made me think of white-crested waves on a blue ocean that turned greener the farther you got from shore. “Try it on.” “Okay…” I didn’t know which finger to put the ring on, so I randomly selected the middle finger. The ring was a bit big. I had never worn a ring before, and I was very tense trying it on. I stared at my finger with the faintly gleaming ring on it. It was out of place on my small hand, and the weight felt alien. “Do you like it?” “It’s… It’s very pretty…” I especially liked the blue on the inside, but you couldn’t see it when the ring was on. I raised my hand to see it reflect the ceiling lights when I heard Ms. Chiki ask the store clerk how much it cost. “It’s priced at five million yen.” “Oh my! It’s quite an expensive one, isn’t it?” “…Huh? How much…?” The price bounced off my ears and out the store door. My back got sweaty, and I wanted to put some distance between myself and the ring, but of course I couldn’t walk away from my own hand. The ring chased after me, so I stopped trying. I looked past it, at Ms. Chiki, who was smiling. The store lady was smiling, too. No way, I thought, reeling from shock. Five million yen? Surely not Japanese yen, it had to be some foreign currency of much lower value… I had slid it on to my finger so easily, but the ring suddenly felt heavy. My whole middle finger felt so heavy, I thought it might fall off. “Um… Uh…” “I’ll take it.” “What?!” I couldn’t help shouting, even though it was the sort of store where it was rude to raise your voice. I couldn’t believe it. Not that Ms. Chiki was buying me a ring for a present, but… “Y-you have that much money?” “Of course. I’d like to pay by card, please.” Ms. Chiki took a small plastic rectangle from her wallet, with “five million yen” on it… I knew what bank cards were, of course, but I was in shock. She was ready to just fork out a fortune. “No… Ms. Chiki, no… You can’t buy me that ring! It’s five million…!” “Spending five million yen on you isn’t something I’d regret, Umi. And I won’t mind if you sell it or get angry if you throw it away. I feel like giving this ring to you, so I’m going to do just that.” She didn’t even look at me as she paid for the ring. I was only watching the transaction, but it felt like someone had punched my chest. Ms. Chiki was buying me this ring to give me confidence. I was rattled at first, but when it sank in, I became euphoric. I was a sand creature, and she was giving me the water I needed to stick the grains together and stand on my own. To put it in nice terms only, the water I needed was caring and kindness. I looked at the ring again. I was no expert, but it seemed ridiculous that it cost so much money, but if Ms. Chiki wanted me to have it, I’d take it. Someone else had decided the ring’s price, but I decided its worth. Both were exorbitant. Five million yen, though… It was such a weight on my finger. “Get home safe.” “Sure…” We were back by the panda bake stall and our date was over. I wondered where Ms. Chiki’s home was. I knew what she looked like without clothes, but I knew nothing else about her. It was messed up. “Did you have fun?” “…Yes.” To be honest, the date had filled me with fear more than anything, but Ms. Chiki was happy with my reply. She patted my head. “I’m not a child,” I protested. “Oh, but you are!” She stopped patting me, smiled a meltingly warm smile at me, and… “M’boy!” she said, giving me a big pat on the back before locking me in an embrace. Call me “my girl” or something, at least, I thought. “Jokes aside, from my point of view, you’re still a child, Umi…,” she said gently. “If only it could stay that way.” I thought about what she meant. “You wish I could stay a high schooler forever, is that it?” “Don’t be silly, sweetie.” She laughed it off. I made laughing noises, but I wasn’t amused. Ms. Chiki released me and said, “If you miss me, don’t hesitate to call,” and then walked away. Give her a call? On the phone? Had I ever actually called anyone? Before I got lost in my thoughts again, I followed Ms. Chiki with my eyes. “Ms. Chiki…,” I said, not sure she’d hear me. She stopped before the ticket gates and turned toward me. I clenched my hands into fists. “I love you,” I said breathlessly. My lungs felt empty. Ms. Chiki beamed at me and waved enthusiastically. Her manner was so uninhibitedly childlike that I waved back like an idiot. My heart ached with love with every wave. When I put my arm down, I knew I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. My veins throbbed painfully with every breath, and I had a hot sensation inside my arm, like I was bleeding out. If just saying good-bye was this hard on my body, I had a tough life ahead, I thought in self-deprecation. I’d probably be remembering this feeling all the way back home, staring at the ground and not taking anything in. My love was revealing new flavors with every bite, like a complex dish. “…” Anyway, I didn’t want the good-bye to be over yet; I was waiting for her to say “Good-bye, Umin,” so that I could respond with “Bye, Little Miss Chi,” but she didn’t say anything. I wanted to learn more about her, and to see her more, and…what else? I was taking a hot shower, sitting on the bathroom floor, thinking about what I wanted from this relationship. Wanting to learn more about her was my own greed. Wanting to see her was also greed. There was a third greedy feeling in me, too; I could see its outline, but I didn’t know its name. I’d been puzzling over it on the way back to Hoshi’s place, and after, but the right word wasn’t coming to me. If after all that thinking I still couldn’t name the feeling, it must’ve been new to me. There was no end to things I didn’t know, even when they were important to my life. For every single new thing I learned about the world, there were nine things I didn’t know about. I finished showering and returned to Hoshi’s room without drying my hair. Hoshi wasn’t there—she was still tidying up after dinner. I’d offered to help, but she’d told me there was no need. There was a rift between us now, and it might never close up again. We’d become friends for nothing. I sat in the corner, picked up the ring I’d taken off before my shower, and admired it. Five million yen, I thought, tracing the wave engravings with my finger. Was it really so pricey? I had no idea about rings, so I couldn’t see why it’d cost so much…but Ms. Chiki had confirmed it, so it had to be right. I wanted to believe I wasn’t being lied to. She’d given it to me as a mark of trust. “What have you got there? A ring?” “Eep!” I yelped, startled. My mom had whispered right next to me. She moved without making a sound, soft as a tissue. I hadn’t even registered her approach. She crouched next to me, looking at the ring. “Did you buy that?” “No. How could I afford a thing like this?” I’d probably never be able to afford this kind of ring. “Okay, so you didn’t buy it,” she said calmly, in that non-confrontational mother voice. “Who bought it for you?” “Just somebody…” How much did Mom know about what I’d been up to? We rarely spoke, so I didn’t even know where to start. Something was telling me Mom wouldn’t be shocked, no matter what I told her, but I didn’t see the point of sharing anything with her. She wasn’t the sort of person I’d want to confide in. I couldn’t just ignore her, though. I steeled myself and gave her an answer. “S-somebody I love bought it for me.” I was telling the truth, but it was awkward saying this to my mother. “Ah, so you have someone you’re sweet on. Good for you!” I even got congratulated. “Uh-huh,” I muttered vaguely. Mom was smiling, but she wasn’t going away. She wanted to talk more, which was unusual. I guessed she wanted to hear more about who I was in love with, so I changed the subject before she started asking more probing questions. Should’ve done that earlier. “How much do you think it cost?” We were still talking about the ring, but at least we weren’t talking about the person who had given it to me. “Can I see?” “Sure…” I handed her the ring. Mom scratched it, peered at the inside, and spun it slowly between her fingers like she was doing a proper appraisal. She closed one eye and squinted at the ring with the other. I wondered how that helped her see. “Thanks,” she said, giving me the ring back. She nodded and announced, “I have no idea.” “Oh.” “I haven’t seen many rings in my life, so it was nice to see yours up close.” “Um, cool.” It didn’t take much to excite my mom. After all, she got a kick out of just hanging out in a supermarket. “You should store it in a bag. Give it a bit of a wipe after wearing it.” “What? In a bag?” “You heard that right.” Mom walked out of the room, but was back in a moment. I barely noticed her footsteps. She brought me a soft-looking cloth and a small transparent bag. “Use this to wipe it… Sweat will tarnish it.” “Um, okay…” That was new—Mom was teaching me something. I was late to realize it, but it was a miracle I had grown up more or less all right without any real parenting. My mom’s life was tough; she could barely take care of herself, not to mention me. At least that was how I preferred to see it. If she now had the time to spare to teach me something, that was great. I had to stick with that line of thinking for my own sanity. I had to make an effort to be optimistic. There was no alternative. I never wanted to experience total despair, like when I had thought it was over with Ms. Chiki. “Now put it in the bag.” “O…kay.” It was weird having my mom give me any sort of instruction, and I was even more tense since it had to do with the ring. I did as she told me. Satisfied, Mom rose from her crouching position, like origami unfolding. “Umi.” She turned to me again before leaving, a gentle smile on her delicate face. “Treasure it.” “…Will do.” Her voice normally seemed like cotton fluff, drifting whichever way the wind blew, but it finally felt directed at me. “Good night,” she said, even though it wasn’t yet late. “Treasure…what?” The ring, or my first love? Both? Just after Mom left the room, Hoshi walked in. She must’ve been waiting outside. She cast one look at the ring in the bag before sitting down. “What’s the deal with the ring?” “It’s just a gift from my girlfriend.” “Oh, wow,” she said, and her voice was like thorns. “How much did she pay for it?” “Five million yen.” “Well, shit!” I could tell she didn’t believe it, and I didn’t blame her. But personally, I would choose to believe Ms. Chiki even if she had told me the price was a hundred million. “Incredible that you believe the stuff that woman tells you.” She phrased it so rudely, it was like a punch to my shoulder. “Don’t you dare say that about her.” She could talk shit about me and it’d be a drop in the ocean, but I couldn’t stand her bad-mouthing Ms. Chiki. There was a storm in my heart when she did. I was hypocritical, I knew, getting mad when someone else distrusted Ms. Chiki while I had to forgive myself for doing it all the time. Hoshi wasn’t saying anything. No apology, no comeback. She just pulled her knees closer to her chin and faced away from me. I had no reason to talk to her anyway. She claimed to have a crush on me, but I was starting to wonder about that. I was too shy to ask her, so I didn’t have any idea about what was going on in her head. “Hnnngh?” My phone made a sound I’d never heard before, startling me. It took me a moment to realize it was an incoming call. From Ms. Chiki, of course. She was calling me. I jumped to my feet and carried the phone out of the room, holding it like an overfilled mug. Mom was in the living room, lying on the floor with her head in the lap of Hoshi’s mom. They had opened up the snacks I’d brought from the last sleepover. “Clefairy called me earlier.” “Are you kidding?! What did she need, a Moon Stone?” I had no idea what they were talking about, but they sure seemed excited. I left the apartment without saying a word, ignoring them. After closing the door behind me, I ran down the stairs and only answered the call when I was safely hidden among the nighttime shadows. “Good evening!” “Um… Hey, Ms. Chiki.” My stupid brain made it feel like the phone was warmer against my ear just because Ms. Chiki’s voice was coming out of it. “What happened? You’ve never called me before.” “Nothing happened—I simply felt like calling you. I won’t take a minute of your time.” “Not even a minute—?” “I wouldn’t want you to get eaten up by mosquitoes!” How did she know I was outside? Was she watching the house? I felt nervous. “Bye, then. Let’s have another date soon!” “What, that was it? You hangin’ up?” “Hmm, actually, one more thing, Umi.” “Yes?” “Is there something you’d like me to tell you?” I could put in a request, like callers on a radio show asking for a song? There were so many things I wanted Ms. Chiki to tell me, but one stood out to me immediately. “Tell me you love me. Say it over and over,” I replied in a split second. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you—” “Uh… My bad… It sounds weird that many times…” “But I wasn’t finished!” She was being silly. We laughed, and she hung up. The call was very brief, but it was nice to end my day talking to Ms. Chiki. I went back inside before the mosquitoes got me. Mom and Hoshi’s mom had switched places. When I was passing through, Mom waved her index finger at me, but I didn’t know what she meant, so I cocked my head at her and went to Hoshi’s room. Hoshi was there, sitting in a weird way—with her legs folded under her, hands stuck under her legs, hunched over so that her forehead touched the floor. Her torso and butt were shaking a little every now and again. What was up with that? “Why’re you sittin’ like that?” “Because I can’t face the world after almost saying something totally gross to you.” “Oh… Okay…” “Sorry.” “It’s fine…” Was she teasing me? What gross thing would make her end up like that? I was burning with curiosity. It must have been something really nasty, but I couldn’t imagine what. I never thought about that stuff myself. It was going to drive me up the wall. “You can say it. I won’t be mad, I promise.” “No, I can’t. It’s not okay.” She was doing it again, egging me on to ask her. I wanted to shake her and make her spit it out already, but that might only make her squirm more. Like a snake, and I didn’t like snakes. So I left it at that. But she kept squirming, unable to hold the words in. “I’m into you.” I turned around to make sure it was just us in the room. But she meant me. “I appreciate that… But I love Ms. Chiki.” “I know you do. You told me before.” Hoshi untangled herself and sat upright at last. “I know you’re not going to just start loving me instead.” I heard something in her voice that made me suspect she wanted to add a “but…” She looked like she might cry. “What should I do?” she asked. I didn’t say anything, because the only answer I could give her would be too cruel to say. Every day was so boring, I wished I could fast-forward to my next date with Ms. Chiki. On the days I couldn’t see her, I fantasized about what she might be doing, what she was like when we weren’t together. I felt like a stranded survivor on an uninhabited island. It wasn’t healthy. That day, I was even more out of sorts because of the jarring contrast between the sunny weather and my dark, gloomy mood. Hoshi had gone out somewhere to meet her friends. She had made lunch for me before leaving. I had forgotten to thank her—I made a mental note to do that when she got back. I took out the phone Ms. Chiki had given me. I’d had it for more than half a year and I only used it for contacting her. That was the best application for it, as far as I was concerned, but maybe I could also use it to kill time. I had learned the basics of how smartphones worked. I started tapping on the screen uncertainly. It should have a web browser… There, found it. Just to try things out, I looked up “Ms. Chiki,” but all the results were about other people. Of course—it wasn’t her real name. Even though I knew it was pointless, I added her surname to the search, too. No hits. “What else…?” Ms. Chiki was keeping her life private. I couldn’t think of any terms I could look up that might lead me to her. “Ms. Chiki pretty.” “Ms. Chiki beauty.” “Ms. Chiki girlfriend.” I kept typing uselessly into the search bar, which weirdly felt a little satisfying. Was there really nothing else I knew about her…? She’d mentioned a…sanctuary? Decorative jars? No, there was something else she’d let slip that day. “She mentioned someone’s name that one time…” It was the day she was dressed in a kimono. I was surprised when she’d accidentally said the name of someone she’d visited, and she’d quickly changed the subject. What was the name? Hida? Higa? No… Oh, right. It was Hino. She said she visited someone called Hino. How was it spelled, though? The characters for “sun” and “field”? I tried that, and got results about a car manufacturer. That probably wasn’t it. How could I modify the search…? “Hino rich”? Nothing. “Hino Ms. Chiki”? Zero results, predictably. “Not gettin’ anywhere with this.” I put the phone down. I didn’t even know the full name of that person, so I had no hope of finding out anything that might lead me to Ms. Chiki. And even if I managed to find out where Ms. Chiki lived, what would I do? Go to her house? She wouldn’t want someone pitiful like me showing up at her big, fancy house. I heard the TV was on. I stuck my head out the door and looked into the living room where my mom was sitting watching a show. Her back was so slender—frail, even. Hmm… I’d never felt like I could count on my mom for anything, but she’d sometimes know things you’d never suspect. It might make more sense to ask her instead of throwing my random queries out into the vast internet. “Hey, Mom.” “Have you come to speak with me? How peculiar.” She turned away from her cooking show and looked at me. She was speaking funny, imitating the way the old lady on the cooking show talked. Not that it bothered me. “You know anyone called Hino?” It was a shot in the dark, but it wasn’t totally impossible she’d know. I didn’t have my hopes up, though. “Indeed, I do,” Mom said in that fake grandma voice. “Whuh?!” “I’d imagine anyone living around here would’ve heard of Hino.” “I didn’t.” “Well, you wouldn’t.” What was she getting at? I walked over and sat next to her. My mom had to divide her attention between the salad the old lady on TV was making and me, turning her head one way, then the other. She was always so chill. “Is Hino famous?” “Not so much Hino, but the house is.” “How so?” “It’s a sprawling residence. Everyone local knows it.” A big residence meant Hino was rich. Like Ms. Chiki. I didn’t want to believe that I had the right person, but with this additional info, I should be able to find the address online. I went to get the phone from Hoshi’s room. But what am I going to do with Hino’s address? I thought, sitting back down next to Mom. “And why would you be asking about Hino, deary?” She wasn’t giving up the old lady act yet. “Just curious.” “Is that so?” She let it go, just like that. I was relieved to have a mom who never pressed me to tell her more than I wanted to. I pulled my knees up to my chin and held the phone in front of me. Its only purpose used to be to notify me when Ms. Chiki wanted to see me, but now it might link me to her in another way. Not for sure, but I had a clue I could follow. Could still be a dead end, though. Will I actually go to Hino’s house if I find out where it was? I asked myself uneasily. I didn’t know them; they didn’t know me. I was a fool to think they’d tell me about Ms. Chiki if I asked them. And they were so wealthy they might just kick me out. Even if they let me in, and Hino agreed to talk to me, was it okay for me to ask about Ms. Chiki? To snoop on her? No, definitely not. She’d be mad if she found out, and then she might break up with me for real. I might really regret it. That moment during our daytime date when she’d said she wanted to break up came back to me, wrenching my guts. The smart choice here was to give up on playing the detective. I could stay in the dark, where Ms. Chiki wanted to keep me, and have her fawn over me as before. Keep living in ignorance. But did I have the smarts to not try to do something too clever? I cocked my head to one side, feeling torn. I was on the fence. “If you can’t figure out what you want to do, it means one thing,” my mom said. It meant I wanted to do something. So I should. Ms. Chiki’s mysteries weren’t going to solve themselves for me if all I did was meet her on her terms. I couldn’t spend the rest of the time sitting on my butt. I might regret getting nosy, but I wanted to go out there and do something. Next day at breakfast, Hoshi told me again she’d be going out to hang out with friends. That was probably what most girls our age did during summer vacation. I told her I’d be going out, too, and she asked me if I was also meeting friends. I couldn’t tell her I was launching my very own investigation into Ms. Chiki, so I just muttered something vague in response. A short time later, Hoshi put makeup on and hurried out of the apartment. Her mom had gone out earlier. My mom must’ve been feeling like doing something useful for a change—she was cleaning the living room. Maybe she simply wanted the space where she spent most of her time to be clean. “Mom, I’m gonna go out in a bit.” “Sure.” She was moving as slow as molasses, making little visible progress. I doubted she’d get much done while I was out. I went back to the room. That day, I wouldn’t need to wear makeup, but I took the ring out of the plastic bag. I’d wear that. Ms. Chiki had bought it for me to give me confidence, after all. Holding the ring between my thumb and index finger, I raised it toward the dark, dusty ceiling. “Which finger does it go on…?” I was pretty clueless. Using a smartphone for something other than communication was new to me. It really was handy to have a map in your palm. I had to stop and check the map quite a few times, but eventually I arrived at the right address without getting lost. That was the easy part. I had it in my head the whole time that Hino probably didn’t know Ms. Chiki, but I wouldn’t turn back. Ms. Chiki was my entire world, and I wanted to explore it end to end. Yeah, it was a tiny world, but my crazy dream was to have a big adventure there anyway. When I looked up Hino with the additional information about a nearby mansion, I managed to locate it easily. I had no business visiting this place, but I could see Ms. Chiki being friends with someone living there. The house wasn’t that far, but it was a long walk—by which I mean, even after getting to the location marked on the map, I couldn’t see the actual house. Just a bamboo thicket. I’d never seen one before except in photos. And it really was thick, with a paved path leading straight into it. The bamboo rustled in the wind, but there were no cicadas chirping nearby. Did they not like bamboo? Or did they just not live in that thicket for some reason? I could always hear them in summer, no matter where I was. Without their chirping, it was like being trapped in a liminal space between summer and fall. I walked hesitantly down the paved path, unsure if I was allowed to be there. If all that land belonged to Hino, I was trespassing. The bamboo thicket was so pretty; maybe you had to pay to go inside and enjoy the view? When Ms. Chiki was with me, holding my hand, I didn’t feel so overwhelmed by fancy places, but when I was alone, each step felt like I was straying somewhere I shouldn’t be. My courage had run out; I was about to turn back when I saw a tall, imposing entrance gate. It was like something out of a samurai movie—a timeworn Japanese-style gate with the doors firmly shut. What now? Ring a bell? Not knock on that door, surely. The gate was as tall as a house. I couldn’t climb over that. I heard rustling behind me. “And who’re you?” I jumped, startled. A shudder ran down my spine, and my arms froze. I turned around ungracefully and saw a girl come out of the thicket, moving the bamboo out of her way. She wore glasses with red frames and a big backpack, but what stood out about her most was the size of her chest. …Her boobs might be even bigger than Ms. Chiki’s. “I’m Nagafuji,” she said. “Um… Hi…” She adjusted her glasses while I slowly processed that this person had just introduced herself to me. “I don’t think you live here.” “R-right…” “I thought Hino didn’t have any younger sisters… I’ve never asked, though, so maybe I made the wrong assumption. The house is so big; who knows what relatives might be hiding in there?” She crossed her arms, taking me in. She had the word “Master” printed on her T-shirt. Whose master was she supposed to be? “So?” “I-I’m not Hino’s sister…” “Which proves my initial assumption correct! Terrific. Today I can make it look like I’m clever.” She seemed to be talking to me, but it felt like she was really talking to herself, leaving me flat-footed. Her way of thinking was hard for me to follow, in a different way from Ms. Chiki’s. I also couldn’t tell if she was closer to my age or an adult. I was so much smaller even than my classmates, so I couldn’t tell if someone was older than me just from their height. And who was she? Did she live in the big house? Why would she walk straight out of the thicket? “Ah, are you here to see the lady?” came another voice. A middle-aged woman emerged from a side entrance. She must have been working at the big house; she was wearing a kimono under a…what was the term for that thing maids wear? A smock? Anyway, she was also carrying a metal bucket with three cleaning cloths folded over the rim. “Hello!” said Nagafuji. “Good morning. The lady isn’t in at the moment, I’m afraid.” “Oh, bad timing.” “Would you like to wait inside?”
Chapter 16
47 min read