Except I could totally imagine this crazy woman just tapping with her other hand. What did I think when I saw Mizuike naked? Lights flashed in my eyes when I recalled the memory. I couldn’t review it while turning my mind’s eye away. I shut my eyes, hoping to erase those images, but my brain refused to. They were burned into the backs of my eyelids. I scratched my itching, flushed cheeks again and again. When I started speaking, each word felt like a drop of blood dripping straight from my wounded psyche. “………I thought she had really big boobs.” Drop dead, I thought, not sure who I was aiming that wish at. Maybe myself. “Yes, and…?” If only the woman sitting in front of me, listening with anticipation, would disappear off the face of the earth. “Did you want to touch them?” “…Fuck off.” “Did you?” “I did, so what? Get off my back. Fuck off.” My true thoughts had begun to spill out. Especially thoughts directed at that woman. “I feel you! Umi has really nice boobs.” “I don’t want to discuss them with you.” “And let me tell you, Takasora, they don’t just look good.” “The hell are you saying? I don’t know what you’re getting at, but shut up.” “They taste fantastic.” “…Sorry, but this shit is giving me a headache. I’d really appreciate it if you shut your filthy mouth already and jump off a bridge or something.” The crazy woman ignored me. “I’ve licked so many girls all over, so I can tell you Umi is extraordinarily delicious.” “You’re a piece of shit.” Was she some new brand of demon come to torment people? “Smell affects how we perceive taste, and everyone has a different natural smell. No breasts taste the same.” She talked about this stuff as if it was human nature. I was becoming increasingly homicidal. “The taste of Umi’s boobs is delicate and subtle.” “Shut the fuck up!” This bitch. This bitch. She’d had me sit with her in that waiting area, planning from the start to bring up lewd topics. I grabbed my tea bottle and was about to fling it at her—and I was so enraged, I felt like my whole arm might come off and fly at her—but I somehow managed to stop myself in time. When the wave of fury subsided, I saw white, as if after an explosion. Shiho Chitaira stood up and leisurely walked over to me. She leaned down, bringing her face close to mine. “Don’t shout; we don’t want to cause a scene. You’re welcome to swear at me all you want, but only if you do so quietly.” She took my face in her hands and turned it so that my lips were next to her ear. I detested how she’d just touch me without permission. The softness of her fingers sent a chill down my spine. I felt the warmth of her body. It turned my rage solid, petrifying me. With my limbs betraying me, all I could do was accept the offer. “Fuck off and die.” I was trying to be quiet, which turned my voice into a low growl. “Fuck you, bitch.” “Uh-huh.” She had my mouth to her ear, listening to me as if to a seashell. Nothing I said had any effect. I was at a loss as to what to do with my naked rage. It was as if I had something icky on my hands with no way to wash them clean. A sickening feeling. Shiho Chitaira noticed the change in me. “As soon as you calm down, you begin to regret your outburst,” she whispered in her controlled, grown-up voice. “You’re a good person.” Did she mean it, or was she being sarcastic? I couldn’t tell. Chitaira walked back to her chair, sat down, drank some tea, and soon enough a big smile lit up her face. I had not smiled at her once. “Aaah, it’s wonderful to talk to you. I can’t have these conversations with anyone else.” Yeah, I bet, I thought. I wasn’t happy about it. “I don’t want to talk to you.” Would I ever be released from this? The demons torturing people in the afterlife were probably more tactful than this woman. The smiling vortex of my personal hell spoke to me. When I wasn’t being deafened by my emotions, I found her voice smooth and clear. “My final question: Could you still be Umi’s friend?” “What?” Her questions were so wildly different, I couldn’t react at all. And that didn’t sound like a question, but a request. “I’d like Umi to have a happier life, and you’d make such a good friend to her, Takasora.” I didn’t know why, but having her call me by my first name didn’t make me angry, just uneasy. She was playing the piano of my heart like a virtuoso, making something tingle inside me, not unpleasantly. My mother was the only person who addressed me as just “Takasora,” but it felt different to hear it from Chitaira. “I don’t know if I can be her friend…” Honestly, I couldn’t imagine things not being awkward between me and Mizuike after that night. I’d be the one making things awkward, and Chitaira knew why. Was that why she was asking me to make an effort? Attraction was stronger than friendship. The only way to stay friends would be for me to give up on Mizuike, wouldn’t it? “It depends on if she wants me as a friend.” “Don’t worry about that. I hope you two will get close!” “I just…don’t get you…” That was a factual statement, not a criticism. Everything Chitaira said was filled with emotions you’d normally assume were positive, like warmth and joy. I couldn’t comprehend the frame of mind that lent her such positivity, considering everything. She had to have something wrong with her to confidently talk to me as if she were a friend. The image Mizuike had of her—as someone good, beautiful, smelling of flowers, smart, kind, caring, and reassuring—wasn’t wrong, as long as you turned a blind eye to the alarming contradictions I was seeing. “Oh, but I’m just…an ordinary lady who happens to be into high school girls.” “That alone disqualifies you from being ordinary.” “Hmm. You might want to have more of an open mind.” “So there you were,” a third, dry voice said, joining ours. Mizuike had found us. She was still wearing the shirt she’d slept in, and her hair was sticking out in weird directions. She must’ve left the room in a rush, since she wasn’t even wearing shoes. Her cute toes were sinking into the lush carpet. “Good morning, Umi.” “Why are you sittin’ out here?” She scowled at us, and it wasn’t just her resting bitch face this time. Why was she staring like that? Like she was suspicious? Of me? Come on, I would never go after Chitaira. Previously, I’d been under the impression that Mizuike was incapable of any strong feelings, but I was discovering that she was fiercely jealous. She’d possibly chosen the worst person in the world to love with such jealousy. “I wanted to find out what the girl you’ve been living with was like. Fortunately, Takasora seems very nice.” Chitaira lied without batting an eye. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a complete lie, but no matter how you looked at it, Chitaira’s interest in me was plainly sexual. I was so embarrassed by the things she’d made me tell her that I honestly wanted to die. Thinking about it was making me seriously depressed. “Thought you might be hittin’ on Hoshi. Bet it’s hard passing up a new girl.” “Goodness! Do you think I’m that fickle?” I thought Chitaira’s act with her exaggerated surprise was a dead giveaway. “It’s just that…Hoshi’s cute, too…” Mizuike’s sudden praise struck my cheeks like a whip. I’d had no idea she thought I was cute. Me, cute… Did she really think that?! I calmed my heart before it tried to jump out of my chest. So she thought I was cute, okay, but it wasn’t me she was into. “Come here, Umi.” Chitaira beckoned, and Mizuike obediently walked over to her, running her fingers through her messy morning hair. Chitaira opened her arms and embraced her. She patted Mizuike’s back comfortingly. I saw Mizuike gradually melt into that embrace, and the dark haze in my heart started to rise again. “Morning, sweetie,” Chitaira said again. “Good morning,” Mizuike replied, with more energy than I thought she was capable of. Chitaira had managed to change the vibe in the air to something nice and fluffy, but she hadn’t actually refuted Mizuike’s accusation. The show was probably meant to spite me. Having shut down the conversation with that showy embrace, Chitaira energetically stood up. On cue, I stood up in a rush as well, nearly losing my balance and falling over. “Let me treat you girls to breakfast.” She put one hand on Mizuike’s shoulder and one on mine. I didn’t even have the energy to protest at this overfamiliarity. She gently steered us, and we walked like a cheery group of girlfriends, even though we were anything but. Everything was always happening the way she wanted. I remembered I’d never gotten to ask my third question. I looked up at Chitaira and she mouthed at me amusedly, “Time’s up.” Her sexy lips opened again and silently formed a directive for me: Get along. But could I…? “Morning,” I said to Mizuike quietly, without looking at her. She replied shortly before we reached our room. The hotel breakfast, with a mind-boggling price which made me wonder if I’d misheard at first, was so delicious that every bite was a taste of heaven. It made me forget all my worries and taught me a valuable lesson about the world—money was everything. I could see why people said money could change a person. The little I’d seen of the world proved that having it or not drastically affected your life. I wondered, though, how the three of us looked to the other hotel guests as we were eating our breakfast. Did we look like sisters? Friends? Even God wouldn’t have been able to tell at a glance that we were a girl prostituting herself, a woman paying that girl, and another girl fostering an unrequited love for the first one. The triangle of connections between us wasn’t solid—the faint threads would unravel at the gentlest of pulls. After breakfast, Chitaira checked us out of the hotel, and we walked to the station together, me trailing behind the other two. Chitaira had combed Mizuike’s hair; even though Mizuke was almost expressionless, I could tell she was in a good mood. She was carrying a bag with the snacks we couldn’t finish last night as if it were the most precious gift. That horrible night had ended, but my hell continued. Maybe there was no escaping it as long as Mizuike was staying in my room. “This is as far as I can walk with you.” Chitaira looked from me to Mizuike, smiling pleasantly. What was she even thinking, acting like we were all besties? It kept catching me off guard. “Takasora, be good to Umi.” “Uh, right…” What, was she pretending to be my mother now? She kept smiling nicely at me. It was drawing the venom from my thoughts—was she absorbing it into herself? Anyway, she was about to leave us at the train station when Mizuike stopped her. “Ms. Chiki, wait…” It was going to be annoying having to remember which name to use for Chitaira. I might slip up one day and use her real name in front of Mizuike. Not that it would cause me any problems. Plus, I probably would never see her again anyway. Probably. Chitaira turned on her heel. “What is it, sweetie?” she asked in a soft, sugary voice. Hmph, I thought, she uses that voice to charm Mizuike. She’d never try that on me. I’m wise to her tactics. “Until…until next time? See you… Um… I dunno what I want to say…” I watched from the sidelines as Mizuike haltingly said her farewell, and I could tell she was trying something new. Chitaira walked back to her and placed her hands on Mizuike’s cheeks, hiding her behind the long sleeves of her kimono. She leaned in, and although I couldn’t see what she was doing, it was perfectly obvious. It felt hot below my eyes, like I’d been scratching at them. When Chitaira stepped back, Mizuike’s cheeks had a slightly rosy tinge. “Until next time, Umi.” Chitaira, all smiles as usual, understood exactly what it was Mizuike had been longing for. “B-bye!” I couldn’t bear seeing the happy sparkle in Mizuike’s eyes. I had to turn away and pretend to look at something in a side alley. Morning was in full swing with everyone busily starting their day. The sunlight that reached me through the gaps between buildings was scorching my skin and making my depression worse. “I want to go home,” I quietly muttered. I sleepwalked through the turnstiles, and before I knew it, I was sitting on a train. The crazy night was over, but it had left me worn out. The exhaustion soaked me through my clothes and drenched my skin, killing my hopes and dreams. My bones creaked under the weight of my melancholy. I was spaced out; not because I was drowsy, but simply because I didn’t want to face reality. At least, until I became aware of a sound other than the rumbling of the train car. “Your phone just buzzed,” Mizuike said to me. “Ah, yeah.” The thick curtain of mind fog was blocking me from taking action. I somehow pushed past it and took my phone out to check who was bothering me. I didn’t try to hide the screen, since I never would have expected to get a message from Chitaira, especially right after we’d parted ways. Let’s have fun again , the message said. Over my dead body. Keep dreaming, bitch. Instead of answering, I mentally cursed at her. “A friend?” “Er… Yeah.” Right—Mizuike didn’t know Chitaira’s real name, so she didn’t realize who the message was from. How messed up was it that I knew the name of Mizuike’s girlfriend, but she didn’t? I was thrown, as if I’d mentally stumbled over a tiny unevenness in a sidewalk, and I let out an uneasy laugh. “What’s so funny?” “Nah, never mind.” “’Kay…” Both of us were avoiding each other’s eyes. My hand holding the phone dropped limply to my lap. My awareness seemed to be flowing downward, forming a muddy puddle on the floor. “I’m so tired…” I could kind of understand the desire to close your eyes, to dissolve into light, to fall into eternal sleep on a train that never reached its destination. I never wanted to feel this way ever again.
Chapter 15
13 min read