“My fashionable dagger is nothing like that piece of timber!” “Can you please fight later?!” Soketto was walking just ahead of us, in high spirits, holding the wooden sword she had earlier judged to be cute. “…Ah, Soketto, walking along swinging a wooden sword. That mischievous side of her is so sweet…” “I think everything about her screams dangerous,” Yunyun whispered back to Bukkororii. I listened to them with one ear as I watched Soketto swing her sword. We were able to follow her thanks to Bukkororii’s magic, which made us impossible to see. “She certainly seems to like that sword. Look, she is slashing up falling leaves. I wonder if she thinks she is doing some sort of training?” Completely unaware of us, Soketto bashed the tree trunk with her sword to shake off more dead leaves and gave it a few solid kicks. “U-um, so what exactly is it that has you so enamored with Soketto? Are you really sure you want someone who goes around kicking tree trunks, Bukkororii?” “Maybe it’s her face. I really fell in love with her looks. And when a woman is beautiful enough, everything she does becomes sweet and adorable.” Bukkororii answered without hesitation, indeed, with alacrity, leaving Yunyun dumbstruck. “Bukkororii,” I said, following a sudden thought. “What if you were to just ‘happen by’ at some opportune moment when you could give Soketto some help? Say you use wind magic on that tree to bring the leaves down and then aid her in her training?” “That’s brilliant! That’s the number one genius of the Crimson Magic Clan for you! Way to go, Megumin!” “Oh! I—I can think of ways for you to get girls to like you, too, Bukkororii! Like, uh, fix your bedhead and get a job before you…” Yunyun’s sense of rivalship was burning hot, but Bukkororii paid no attention to her as he snuck a little closer to Soketto, still invisible. Then…! “Tornado!” The whirlwind Bukkororii summoned sent Soketto high into the sky— “He’s a complete idiot! Isn’t he a complete idiot?!” “Let’s bury him. Let’s bury this NEET here and now!” After making sure Soketto was safe, the three of us beat a hasty retreat, and now two of us were choking the life out of the third. “Wait, please! Both of you need to just calm down! And be quieter! We don’t want anyone to find us!” Soketto, her face obviously white even from a distance, had managed to use wind magic on herself to regain her balance and get safely to the ground. Then she’d looked around, her red eyes clearly searching for the criminal who had cast the spell on her. But we were protected by Bukkororii’s light-bending magic, so as long as we could keep quiet, she wouldn’t find us. That was when Yunyun had grabbed Bukkororii by the front of the shirt and demanded in a scrupulously quiet voice, “I thought you liked Soketto! So why would you attack her with a spell that could have killed her?!” “Y-you’ve got it all wrong! Advanced magic is the only magic I know, so I can’t go easy…! And I was just going to blow some leaves off the trees at first! But then I realized, if I used wind magic, her skirt might…” “Let’s bury him.” “I agree. Let’s bury him alive.” “Wait! I’m begging you—hear me out!” While we were fooling around, Soketto turned away with a look of disappointment on her face. Apparently, she had given up the hunt for her attacker. “Phew… The important thing is that she’s safe. And…at least I learned her favorite color.” Yunyun and I exclaimed: ““Sokettoooo!”” “S-s-s-stop that!” 5 At last it was time for lunch. I was going to hurry home to eat with Komekko, but… “Please wait! Please don’t abandon me!” I would do the laundry that had been piling up, and then Komekko and I could play a game or something… “Please, please don’t ignore me! You’re terrible! After I worked so hard to shake Soketto! She nearly saw me!” Then we could have a bath. Maybe I could give the fur ball a bath, too… “Pleeeeeeeease! I’m beeeeegging you! Ahhhhhh!” “Will you be quiet?! Stop following us! Or do you intend to add us to your list of stalking targets? Just give up already and find someone else to fall in love with.” “Megumin is right; I think it’s time for you to quit… Say, I’ve heard there’s a cute monster called a Leisure Girl that lives near the village.” “And why would you tell me that?! Are you saying a monster is the best I can hope for?! How can you say that with such a straight face?” Yunyun and I were trying to go home, but the stalker came around in front of us to cut off our escape. He had been like this ever since he had finally dodged Soketto. “…Yeesh. It doesn’t matter how many times you beg us—it won’t work. We aren’t made of free time. Unlike certain NEETs, us students have a hard life.” “I can help! Let me treat you to lunch!” Bukkororii suggested, bowing his head and putting his hands together in supplication. “We’re not kids; we can’t be bought off so easily. Can we, Megumin…? Huh?” She seemed surprised to find me happily following Bukkororii. “Let us discuss battle plans while filling our bellies,” I said. “How can you live with yourself, Megumin?! …H-hey, I’ll help, too; don’t just leave me here!” We were at the only café in town. “I believe the key is to set up your meet-cute,” I said around a mouthful of lambwich. Bukkororii was watching Yunyun and me eat with a hungry expression on his face. It seemed our meals had finally consumed the last of his money. ““The key?”” “Correct. You have absolutely no connections with Soketto right now, yes? So first, allow Yunyun and me to create an opportunity for the two of you to get to know each other. The best-case scenario would of course be for you to go to her shop regularly and become friends, but that’s obviously untenable in your current unemployed state. But we can at least work something out to get you two face-to-face.” “R-right!” “Uh, how are we going to do that? Do you have any ideas?” Yunyun asked. I sipped the last of my juice and replied, “It couldn’t be simpler. First, Yunyun, you put on a mask or something, then take your dagger and attack Soketto. Bukkororii happens to be walking by, and—” “That’s brilliant!” “No way! Are you completely stupid?! You must be completely stupid!” The café owner, who couldn’t help overhearing our high-volume conversation, commented, “I keep hearing Soketto’s name come up… Do you need something with her? She’s in the forest with her wooden sword.” “No, nothing in particu— Forest?!” Yunyun and I looked at each other. Bukkororii may or may not have understood what we were thinking, but he said proudly…
✦ ✦ ✦
The forest? So Soketto went into the forest! She does that every day because she loves training, so she goes into the woods to hunt monsters, and her favorite monster to hunt is the Fire Drake, and what she likes to do is freeze them and then laugh at them, and you know what? She and I totally have that in common, like, I’m a NEET, right? So I’ve got lots of time on my hands, and so sometimes I get some ice, right? I make some ice and then just watch it meeeelt the whole entire day, and I’m sure Soketto’s the same way, or maybe not? Anyway, who cares, the point is, Soketto goes to the woods to train every day, and her fighting style is super amazing, see, because she likes lightning magic, and lightning is pretty just like she is, so they go together perfectly, sorry about that, I got off subject, but anyway, I’m sure she’s in the woods training right now, and did you know her level is gonna be 50 soon, which is incredible, there aren’t that many Level 50s even in the Crimson Magic Clan, she’s like a number one top-class adventurer, Soketto is, so she’s pretty and cute and strong, too, and that’s totally unfair, and Soketto is so gorgeous when she’s fighting, but then after she’s done fighting, I just feel it right here, you know, because the sweat gets on her beautiful black hair and white cheeks and that nape, and it’s totally unfair, it’s against the rules, can you blame me for being totally hot for her? She should take a little responsibility for crying out loud but anyway that doesn’t matter, I mean it does, but right now it doesn’t, because the point is she’s totally definitely in the woods for training right now, I’m sure she’s chasing down a One-Punch Bear and going Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha or freezing a Fire Drake’s feet and just having a grand old time, it would be great to see it, don’t you want to see it, let’s go see it, yeah, let’s go see Soketto laughing and fighting and we can all fall in love with her together yeah let’s!