“Yes, exactly! Even if he received punishment as a result, he fulfilled the dream she never thought would come true! That is the true account of things, according to the imaginations and rumors of noble and royal girls! What do you think? Isn’t it dreamy and marvelous? It’s a tragic love that’s heartbreaking and sad…!” I noticed she’d said it was a true story and then immediately proved it probably wasn’t. “In other words, Illis, you mean he’s adventuring in exile? In this very town?! Let’s get him to join! We definitely need him as our companion!” The two of them were getting all excited, but it certainly would’ve been kinda cool if it was true. Only if it was true, of course. Maybe part of Iris sympathized with the princess in the story, being one herself. And for Yunyun, too, having so few friends or companions, the thought of someone doing so much for another must have been moving. “By the way, I wonder what happened during the week they were away? Could something big have happened that changed their lives? H-how far did they go…?!” “What are you thinking about, Illis? Such a…! S-such a…!” The two of them blushed as they squealed in excitement. …It looked like the two young girls thought of the whole thing as a provocation for the imagination. “I swear… Don’t just sit there making noise—let us go find this person. Even I have experienced bathing and sleeping in the same bed as Kazuma. With our relationship the way it is, we will probably go all the way the moment the opportunity presents itself. That knight person must be older than us, so I’m sure he and the princess have crossed that line already.” “Hold on! I just heard Megumin say something very unsettling!” “Me too!” Both of them had previously been chattering to themselves on the sofa but now leaped to their feet. “It’s not unsettling; at our age, it’s weirder not to have such experiences. Actually, in my case it’s a matter of course, with us living under the same roof. Come on—let’s go and find this champion. Calm down a bit more; look at Cecily—” While I spoke to the two girls who had their hands to their mouths in shock… “Hey, Megumin, Cecily’s asleep…” “…It would be a pain if we woke her, so we shall let her sleep.” I reckoned I knew how Kazuma always felt looking after Aqua. 3 We walked through one of Axel’s back alleys toward the Adventurers Guild. The reason we didn’t use the main paths was because the usual person was likely to come looking for Iris today, too. Even if I thought that bodyguard wouldn’t show her face today, it was definitely better to do everything possible not to stand out. “So how are we supposed to find this ex–Dragon Knight elite-nobleman guy?” I asked Iris while appreciating the distinctive people-free feel of the alley. “Right… They say he has blond hair, a long-standing trait of nobility. Since he was good enough to be the youngest Dragon Knight ever, he should stand out right away in this town. I guess another distinguishing feature would be that he was a master of the spear, even in his own country.” You didn’t see many blond men around these parts. Even if you did, they were guaranteed to be connected to the nobility somehow. I was certain I had almost no memory of seeing any blond male adventurers, but… “A-anyway, boss? A while back, when you said you’d bathed together with Kazuma and slept in the same bed…” Iris had been stuck on that point for a while now. Her voice was timid as she asked. “I meant exactly what I said. Well, when a normal boy and girl have lived together for almost a year, it should not be that surprising.” ““!!”” Ignoring both of them and their loss for words, I continued on with a smile of victory. “Besides, as I said before, Kazuma and I have a promise to hang out in his room at some point, but going all the way so quickly would make him think I’m easy, you know. So, well, I’ve been putting it off as an adult’s bargaining tactic…” The forever-alone girl and the princess had looks of awe, but… “W-well, you really just chickened out, though, didn’t you? Or, like, something got in the way? When it comes to you, Megumin, I don’t think such a thing would happen unless something spurred you on anyway. I bet you’d need the momentum from something really shocking to go through with it.” “Shut up! What would a total loner who’s never even held a guy’s hand know about it?!” “?!” Having brought Yunyun close to tears in an instant, I—an adult—took out the paper with my win-loss record against her and added a mark. Watching out of the corner of her eye, Yunyun pretended to be calm, muttering, “Anyway, a skilled blond spearman who’s also famous in this town…? Also, he must be well-mannered, sincere, faithful, and gentlemanly… Erm… A-and he must be tall and handsome…I hope…” “You are mixing in your hopes there. Though lots of nobles are good-looking, and according to the story, he was a sincere individual, so I guess you are mostly right, but…” Well, if he had so many distinguishing qualities, we’d surely find him in no time… “I can’t say I’ve heard of an adventurer with all those qualities.” I had been naive to even imagine finding such a legendary person was possible. Arriving at the Adventurers Guild, we’d asked the receptionist lady right away, but… “Is there anyone you can think of who might even be close? Not many adventurers use spears, and this town in particular has lots of problem-child adventurers, so I am sure he would stand out quite a bit based on his virtues alone.” “The adventurer party that stands out the most is yours, Miss Megumin. Though, even if there were some folks who fit one or two parts of that description, I can’t think of anyone who matches all of them…” We turned to each other at the troubled-looking woman’s disappointing words. “…Well then, could you please introduce us to those you said matched some of the traits?” Thus. The receptionist directed us to the partially matching candidates so that our search for the Dragon Knight, famed abroad in years past, could continue… “…In my life up till now, I don’t recall ever being inferior to anyone, and I’m confident I’ve lived faithfully. I am also assured in my skills and I used to be well-known enough… Do you have some sort of business with a retired guy like me?” The first person she introduced us to was an old man. “Erm, I thought perhaps I’d like to listen to your tales. Okay, Illis and Yunyun, it’s your turn. Illis, you look up to adventurers, so you must like their stories, right? And you can talk with him all you want, Yunyun. You’re happy to get to talk with a new friend, aren’t you?” “Please do tell me about your adventures when you were young, sir!” “Huh?! I’m very happy just to get to talk with someone, but isn’t he totally the wrong age to be the one we’re looking for?!” For now, I thrust the sincere-seeming old man we were introduced to on the two of them. “…Indeed, I am famous enough and on the competent side, but I’ve never touched a spear. Well actually, I do touch another sort of spear every night! Know what I mean? Gah-ha-ha-ha-ha!” The next adventurer we were introduced to, despite just meeting us, suddenly busted out a terrible dirty joke and got his face acquainted with my fist. “…Indeed, the spear is a great specialty of mine, and not a competitor out there doesn’t know my name, but… Still, this is quite rare, for girls to take an interest in a sport like spear throwing.” That Guild lady set me up with someone who wasn’t even a real adventurer. A little later… “Oh? What’re you doing here? Aren’t you that Explosion girl? What business could you possibly have with me? If it’s about money, I can’t help you—nobody’s gonna lend me any more anyway. I don’t even have enough for booze. Actually, could you lend me some? If I ever happen to hit it rich, I’ll give you back double.” The person she introduced as the last one meeting my conditions was this blond-haired punk named Dust. Dust was a man who, instead of working, lazed about in a corner of the Adventurers Guild complaining about not having any cash. I forcefully pulled away the receptionist lady who’d introduced me to such a person. “Excuse me, that there is definitely not him. We are searching for a young, blond, handsome, skilled, reasonably famous, sincere, faithful, persevering, and gentlemanly spearman. That guy there only matches the blond part. Even then, he’s a dirty blond at best.” “If someone as dreamy as that existed, I’d be the one wanting an introduction… There are no other adventurers I know who even come close to matching all those qualities. The only blond adventurers in Axel are Miss Lalatina and Mr. Dust anyway… He may always be dead drunk, but at least he is surprisingly skilled and famous…” “By ‘famous,’ you must mean infamous! I saw you tell new adventurers not to go near him!” The people before him had been bad enough, but Dust felt like I’d been forced to draw the shortest straw. “Come ooon! We’re buddies, Yunyun; at least buy me some booze!” “You’re just an acquaintance, not a friend! The people around us are gonna look down on me even more than they already do, so stop it!” At some point while I was talking to the receptionist lady, Dust had gotten ahold of Yunyun. With my hand, I signaled for Iris, who was still listening to the old man’s stories of adventure, and said, “Illis, listen. The receptionist says the only blond male adventurer in town is that guy over there.” “The old man was just getting to a good part. There was a One-Punch Bear that broke his spear, and he awoke to the power of his bare hands and made up his mind to fight with everything he had… If that man over there is the only one, then why don’t we go listen to what he has to say?” Iris seemed disappointed at first, but she suggested we feel out things with Dust. “No, I can say for sure that guy is definitely not the knight. If we let our eyes off him for a second, that guy will go get Kazuma into trouble—he’s what you would call ‘bad company,’” I explained, watching said punk as he continued to bother Yunyun. That said, Yunyun was being unusually assertive in her protests. She was usually so quiet. What could have happened between the two of them? Lately I’d been hearing rumors that she had been hanging around some odd folks, so could that have had something to do with this guy? Up until now, I hadn’t paid much attention to her, but maybe it would’ve been better to look after her. I didn’t want any weirdos getting ahold of her. “Oh, I know that guy. He was the one who bumped into a woman passing by and then claimed to have a broken leg, or whatever, on this one trip I took into town. He was trying to intimidate that lady by saying, ‘Buy me a meal as compensation.’ I remember sending Claire after him as punishment…” Seriously, what was Dust doing? Seeming to have finally thrown away even his pride, Dust was bowing down at Yunyun’s feet, probably begging for money so he could drink. Looking embarrassed, Yunyun was getting some cash out of her wallet in a flustered panic. Bowing down in public to get someone to buy something seemed like a form of intimidation in and of itself. A former Dragon Knight who squeezed beer money from younger girls and bowed down in public… “…Yep, there is no way it is him. So that means the knight must have gone to some other town. There is not much we can do if we do not even have his name. How about we give up for the day and hang at the hideout before going home?” “Boss, I feel like intelligence gathering in times like these is exactly what thieves do. Can we really call ourselves a thief gang…?” Iris hit me where it hurt, but this was no time to be talking about that… …Hmm? “Illis, you just made a really good point! That’s right—we’re a bandit crew. What we should be searching for is a talented Thief!” “I-it seems a bit late for that. For a wizard like you to be saying such things as the boss of a thief gang is—” “Hush, that’s not important right now! I just found someone who looks like a Thief, right when we need them! Come on, Illis! Let us go!” Taking the confused Iris along, I ran over to someone I hadn’t seen come by the Guild in a long time. 4 “Nice to see you. It has been a while, Chris. I know this is sudden, but we have formed a thief gang, so please join.” “Pfft!” As I extended my invitation immediately following my greeting, Chris gloriously spat out the milk she had been drinking. “What are you doing? A young woman should not be spitting out milk in a public place.” “Cough, cough… Don’t ask me what I’m doing! You know it’s because you opened with something so ridiculous all of a sudden!” I hadn’t seen Chris since the Eris Appreciation Festival, but here she was, taking a break by herself. She wore a satisfied look, as though the Thief had just completed a job. Seeing that, I tried talking to her, of course, but… “You say it’s ridiculous, but seeing as you’re a Thief, it wouldn’t be that odd if you were part of a crew of bandits, would it?” “Y-y-y-yeah, but! Yeah, but! I mean, what does that even mean?! Listen, you aren’t trying to tease me because you know who I really am, are you, Megumin?!” As I stood perplexed about the odd thing Chris had said, Iris caught up. I briefly explained my relationship with Chris to the princess. Curiously, despite it being their first meeting, Iris cocked her head to the side. “Er, is your name Chris? I beg your pardon, but haven’t we met somewhere?” At the sudden question, the Thief also cocked her head… “Your name is Illis, right? A second ago, I thought I’d seen you before, too…er, ahhh?!” It seemed like she recognized Iris as a royal. Right, all she really did to conceal herself was use the dubious name Illis. Most of the time she didn’t even hide her face. There were probably pictures of royals’ faces floating all over the place. “Just as I would expect from a well-informed Thief, you seem to know who Illis really is, but she is incognito. It would be a problem if we caused a commotion, so could you…?” I thought she was surprised to realize Illis was a royal, but something was odd about Chris’s manner. “I—I see! Well, I am a Thief, you know?! When you’re like me, you know who someone is and where they’re from at first glance! If she’s incognito, then it can’t be helped. W-well then, I have some errands to run, so I’ll be off—” She said something that made no sense and tried to leave, but I promptly grabbed her. “Where are you going? Since you’re so well-informed, I have something to ask of you.” “Wh-what might that be? I’m a pure and upstanding Thief for justice with nothing on my conscience, but I don’t think there’s anything I could help you with.” Then, as I held on to her arm, she glanced suspiciously back at Iris. “I’m not exactly trying to do anything to you. Like I said a second ago, we made a crew for thievery, but we’re having trouble finding some real talent. We were able to get a ton of Knights, Arch-wizards, and Priests, but despite calling it a thief gang, we don’t have a single all-important, actual Thief…” “You can get Knights, Arch-wizards, and Priests? Hey, wouldn’t you make more money just dropping the whole gang thing and being a mercenary band or something? It seems like you’ve already succeeded at gathering together a much more exclusive group…” As Chris looked to be thinking hard, sure enough, Iris seemed doubtful. “I cannot complain about their fighting ability, of course. But since we require an actual Thief, I want to ask you to join, Chris. Also, we are actually looking for another person as well. I would also like to ask you to help search for them.” “A thief gang, huh…? I mean, I got myself involved in a few things after admiring a similar kind of group. So I do understand how you feel, you know?” It was a better response than I had expected. “You really do understand. Actually, we also formed this group because we admired a certain group of famous bandits… By the way, do you know the so-called Silver-Haired Thief Brigade?” “Yeah, I know them. I guess I probably know them a lot better than anyone else does.” Of course! Chris was part of an intelligence network—as expected of a true-blue Thief. I bent down and lowered my voice. “Actually, this is just between us, but all of us admire the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade. Influenced by their actions, we are trying to support them secretly from the shadows, giving those heroes what little assistance we can. They know nothing about our activities. You might call it an evolved fan club.” “I seeee… Hey, Megumin, just asking, but you’re not making fun of me, are you?” For some reason, Chris had a far-off look, as if she knew way more than I ever could. “What are you talking about? We are serious! Ahhh, did supporting criminals with a bounty on their heads sound like I was kidding? Just between us, there is actually a reason they have a bounty on them.” “Ahhh, yeah. I know about that, too, so don’t worry. So basically, I guess you’re like an unofficial subsidiary supporting the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade? And you want me to join, you say.” “That is correct. Please join, even as a provisional member, if you prefer. Of course, in that case, you would be considered the grunt in the beginning.” At that, Chris made an interesting face with a mixture of uncertainty and suspicion. “G-grunt… I’ll be the grunt of a Silver-Haired Thief Brigade subsidiary…? I mean, well, I don’t mind going along with it, you know? Anyway, Megumin, I know I keep asking, but you’re not yanking my chain, already knowing everything, are you?” “…Why have you been so paranoid all this time?” “I’m supposed to have good luck, right? Why do I keep ending up in such amusing situations…? Like during the Eris Appreciation Festival, when, for some reason, I had to help out at the Axis Church’s stall. Or…I guess like right now, too…” 5 I told Chris, who ended up going with the flow and joining us, about the matter of the Dragon Knight. “If the ex–Dragon Knight has blond hair, isn’t that him over there?” she asked, pointing to, of course, Dust. Over there, perhaps unwilling to let Yunyun go after just a single cup of booze, he had begun some kind of lecture about human relations. I thought even Yunyun would try to give him a beating for preaching about getting along with people, but she was nodding interestedly with a hmm-hmm and taking notes. “That is not him. I guess there are things even someone as well-informed as you does not know.” “Huh?! B-but the person you’re looking for is blond, right? I’m pretty sure the only adventurers with blond hair in this town are him and Darkness.” This was already old news to me. “Blond hair is the only thing that punk has in common with the person I am looking for. I swear, how blind are you, Chris?” “A-am I?! I’m pretty sure you’re the one person I don’t wanna hear that from in this situation, Megumin!” I was about to ask what she meant by that, but suddenly I noticed something. “…I was thinking, you have been awfully quiet for a little while now; what is wrong?” “No, I just have a feeling I really have met Chris before, but I can’t remember where…” “You don’t need to remember! I have no memory of meeting you to begin with, Illis, so I’m sure this is the first time!” Chris is getting awfully flustered. “Anyway, about that person you said you’re looking for. My intuition tells me it’s definitely that blond guy over there. He’s wearing a sword, but his footwork and the casual way he maintains spacing seem like that of a spear user. And by my reckoning, he looks like quite an expert.” Chris’s face turned suddenly serious as she cast a glance at Dust, who had now stood up in front of Yunyun and was busy doing something bizarre. “Take a good look—people won’t make light of you if you walk like this. You’re so desperate for friends, you try to lick the boots of others. When people look down on you as an adventurer, it’s over. Just like dogs and cats, first impressions decide who’s superior!” As we watched, Dust squared his shoulders and started moving unsteadily, like a drunkard, swaying his body around. As onlookers stared inquisitively, thinking Yunyun and the drunk were buddies, the forever-alone girl cringed in embarrassment. “…I see. So that is an expert spearman’s footwork. You have quite the observant eye, Chris.” “Why did that guy have to start doing something weird right when I said something?!” …Continuing to garner the attention of onlookers for some time afterward with his bizarre movements, Dust left the Guild with Yunyun, as if it was the most everyday thing in the world. Yunyun kept looking our way like she wanted help, but given Chris had said this was the guy we were looking for, we ended up letting her go along with Dust so we could tail them. When I signaled for her to go with it, Yunyun followed along in resignation. “If you are so adamant about it, then I am willing to use her as a sacrifice, but I do not think that is him.” “My gut tells me he’s putting on an act. There must be some reason he pretends to be an idiot.” I had no idea why she wanted him to be a secret expert so bad, but Chris seemed to recognize Dust as quite the pro, in her mind, at least. My gut told me this wasn’t her pretending but straight-up bona fide idiocy. After all, when he came to my house the other day to ask Kazuma to hang out, he had a straight-faced, lively, and sacrilegious discussion with Aqua, who was loafing around at home, about why so many Eris followers had small boobs. We followed for a bit… “His gait seems a bit awkward to me, too. Like he’s trying to force a new way of moving after abandoning what was deeply ingrained for many years… Actually, I kind of feel an aura of strength coming from that person.” It would’ve been one thing if it was just Chris, but now Iris, a powerful combatant in her own right, had praised Dust. Surely that guy couldn’t really be…? Ahead of us, on the other hand, Yunyun opened her mouth to say something while Dust was taking her who-knows-where. “Aren’t you walking a bit funny today, Dust? You seem to be limping. Is your leg hurt…?” “Oh, you can tell? Nah, it’s just a little pain; I’m not injured or anything. The other day, I heard from my buddy Keith about, uhhh, what would you call it? He told me about a way to make a you-know-what get bigger even after you’ve stopped growing, so I tried it out. Of course, it involved using minced ginger, raw garlic, and wasabi… Hey, why are you looking at me like that? That wasn’t a come-on this time, so stop chanting that spell.” Even after saying something so vulgar to such a young girl, Dust continued. “Look, girls try drinking milk and massaging and whatnot to make their boobs bigger, right? Every boy has the dream of making his you-know-what bigger. You have things you want, too, don’t you? You dream of having friends, and I dream of being huge. Aren’t both our goals marvelous?” …A young girl’s longtime, earnest dream of having friends and a guy’s dream of being a big guy. I watched Yunyun start arguing with Dust, yelling at him not to ruin her childhood dream. “You two have some incredible judgment. Apparently, that’s the reason for that awkward walk of his.” Chris and Iris, who had been explaining things to me with such confidence, hid their red faces. 6 “Hey, Yunyun got mad and went home—is there still any point in tailing him? Shadowing a guy like this makes me feel like I have really hit rock bottom.” With her pure childhood dream now categorized with the vilest one, Yunyun left. We continued on with our shadowing. Chris, now acting partly out of obstinance, led the group. “My gut tells me there’s definitely something about him. I have a better eye for people than my looks would suggest. I can see through to the real him… At least, I think so. I’m not in the zone right now, so I can’t be absolutely sure.” I wasn’t quite sure what she meant by “in the zone,” but for how good her eye for people was supposed to be, I seemed to recall her not worrying about Vanir and Wiz when she’d seen them at the Eris Appreciation Festival, despite being a zealous follower of Eris herself. “I just have one thing to ask: What do you think of the undead and devils, Chris?” “I think they should all burn in Hell.” That was fast. “Even if it was a person who had no choice but to become an undead to fulfill some heartfelt wish, or if it was a devil who basically loved teasing people but didn’t seem as bad as you thought once you got to know them…?” “I think they should all burn, without any exceptions.” A typical Eris follower.
Chapter 9
23 min read