That was when… “Are you here again?! How many times do we have to ask you not to come back before you understand?!” The door opened, and an Eris priestess emerged. …After we explained everything, the priestess let out a deep sigh. “You know, we’re always healing adventurers’ wounds or distributing food. We don’t have the spare time to head over to your church. Besides, we aren’t particularly in need of things to eat. Why would the servants of Lady Eris engage in theft?” “Liar! If you really weren’t hurting for food, you wouldn’t have looked at me the way you did when I made a show of biting into a kebab in front of you the other day!” “You did?” the lady of the Eris Church muttered in disgust and, curiously, winced briefly. “The Eris Church holds that poverty is virtuous. Someone eating kebabs in front of us wouldn’t exactly—” “Oh, another fib! You looked pretty worried when I told you followers of Eris wouldn’t get big boobs because they don’t eat enough protein!” “Wh-why, you! Now you’ve said it, heathen!” They started fighting, and as I pulled them apart, I found myself scolding the two. “I know you both are in different sects, but why do two clergywomen have to fight all the time?” Perhaps embarrassed that she’d sunk to Cecily’s level, the Eris priestess turned red. “Er… W-well, that is… I’m so embarrassed…” “Ha-ha! Take that!” “That goes for you, too, Cecily!” As I expressed my disgust with the woman from the Axis Church, she continued to run down her mental list of potential criminals. “But if this boob-stuffing priestess doesn’t know, then who…? I have so many other people in mind, I really can’t figure out who did it…” “If you don’t stop, I’m going to get a mace and rough up your church.” After forcing Cecily to apologize to the Eris Church priestess, who was now trying to hide her chest, we went on our way. Was this really someone seeking revenge? If the Eris follower’s reaction was anything to go on, most people didn’t want anything to do with the Axis Church. So would anyone really go for payback just because of a little annoyance? “Why don’t we go back to the chapel one more time?” I suggested to Cecily, whom Yunyun and Iris were busy stopping from trying to graffiti the Eris Church’s sign. “…They did it again,” Cecily muttered while sinking to the floor. “What’s the damage? It doesn’t look like as much is gone this time…” Ignoring Cecily, who had collapsed in front of the fridge, I peeked inside. There didn’t seem to be that big of a difference. “The gelatinous slime I stored farther back is gone… Just how many times has this happened now…? They’re even aiming straight for my favorite foods—perhaps this is the work of the Demon King’s army?” “I don’t want to think about the Demon King’s army stealing snacks out of some church’s fridge, but there is a certain something I am wondering about.” It was the evidence of dragging something that Iris had first spotted. The marks went from the kitchen out to the rear door of the church. As I recalled, the culprit had stolen from the church refrigerator and the garden out back. I opened the rear door with a wham, and…! “…Um, Cecily. A gelatinous slime is eating your veggies.” “Ahhh, what?! You’re right! The slime I thought I strangled is happily wolfing down my…! Could it be that Lady Aqua has granted this miracle?!” “Cecily, no matter what way you look at it, this slime is the culprit, is it not?! Please apologize to the people you accused!” “…That was an…unpleasant incident, huh…?” The culprit had turned out to be a slime that Cecily had made some extreme modifications to, causing its Vitality to rise. Yunyun and I scolded the priestess, whose eyes showed not even a hint of regret. Eventually, Iris stopped us. “I swear, you need to learn a bit more about Axis followers. I know you are naive, but wow.” “Even so, I don’t think Cecily is that bad of a person… I have a good eye for character.” About as good as Aqua’s. However, something seemed off about Cecily as I laid into her. She was trembling rhythmically as she sat on the floor… “Illis, you most definitely should join the Axis Church! Yes, very much so!” “Illis, let us go home for the day. It was a mistake to bring you here to begin with. We will not come around here again, so please forget everything that happened today.” As if taking Iris away from the palace wasn’t bad enough, if it got out that she’d been made to join the Axis Church when I wasn’t looking, I’d be executed for sure. “Cecily, I don’t know anything about the Axis Church’s teachings—what sort of things does it preach, exactly?” “What a good question! Illis, is there anything you’re suppressing about yourself? In the teachings of our Church, we mainly believe that self-restraint is a poison to the body, so you should live exactly as you want. Do as you please. Insist on having things your way. If you love someone, no matter how high their station in life, don’t hold back. Instead, go after them so hard that you force them down to your own level.” “Don’t listen! Here, plug your ears!” Yunyun covered Iris’s ears to protect the princess from Cecily’s gleeful sermon. That was when something interrupted us. The front door burst open, and a voice I recognized called from outside. “I heard a sweet little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl had been brought here. Stay calm and do not resist, everyone… Ahhh, Lady Illis! I found you!” Standing there was Claire, the white-suited female bodyguard. Seeing her, Iris looked down and sulked, dejected. “Is it time to go already…?” “Lady Illis, it’s not ‘time to go’! I don’t remember ever allowing you to stroll about outside to begin with!” While the royal bodyguard berated Iris, who seemed to have gotten used to life on the outside, Cecily slipped in a bit closer. “Erm, who might you be? Nice to meet you; I am the priestess in charge here. My name is Cecily, the Axis Church’s Axel branch manager. I have shown Illis here every hospitality, please rest assured.” Cecily spoke unusually coolly. It was a very uncharacteristic display of sincerity for an Axis follower. I was sure she had been the one we were showing every kindness. “Huh? A-ah, well, thank you.” Seeming to have taken the bait, Claire looked confused for a moment before continuing. “I am Claire, responsible for guarding Lady Illis. Thank you very much for safeguarding her in my absence. So responsible people number among the Axis Church’s ranks as well,” she said, straightening her posture and bowing her head deeply. I knew this woman was hot-tempered; she’d even tried to slash at Kazuma before. Apparently, if it was for Iris’s sake, she could also be quite respectful. Then, in the middle of my quiet admiration: “I see, so you are Illis’s bodyguard… I was just in the middle of teaching her the precepts of the Axis Church. What do you say? As her guardian, by all means, I invite you join in.” “The Axis Church?! N-no, something like that would be a big scand— I mean, Lady Illis isn’t even an adult yet, so something like that could pose a problem. Or, uhhh… Lady Illis has to have a fair and balanced perspective to begin with, so it would be an issue if she devoted herself to a certain sect right away, ummm…” Perhaps unable to assert herself against a wise clergywoman, Claire tried to refuse, but… “You would be perfect as an Axis follower. I can tell—you have the comrade scent.” “Th-the ‘comrade scent’…?” Looking a bit disgusted, Claire sniffed her sleeves. “Are you suffering from a forbidden love? Do you have impermissible feelings for someone? In the Axis Church, you can be with anyone, even if they’re the same sex or of a different rank, as long as they’re not undead or a devil child.” “Even if they’re the same sex or of a different rank?! Th-th-that… No, but…” Claire was awfully shaken, as if something about the tenets had struck a chord with her. “Come, now—suppression is a poison to the body, you know? Restraint violates the Axis precepts. Do as you wish. As you feel…!” “Ahhh, I—I must be going for today! Lady Illis, please say your good-byes!” Apparently thinking it’d be a bad idea to stick around any longer, Claire took her charge’s hand and left the church in a flustered panic. “…Well then, boss, Yunyun, Cecily, see you tomorrow!” “No, you will not! I won’t let you—I’ll watch you all day tomorrow!” Iris, who should have been dejected at being taken home, now looked cheerful, waving at us while Claire led her away. “…She was biting, and I let her slip away…,” Cecily muttered regretfully. Had Illis been the one biting or Claire? It frightened me to think that either may have joined after just one more good push. “Hey, Megumin, that Claire lady said, ‘Lady Illis has to have a fair and balanced perspective,’ so does that mean Illis is…?” Yunyun started but then shook her head, seeming to think it impossible. Leaving the other Crimson Magic Clan member aside, I turned to the priestess. “Cecily.” “I wish you’d go back to calling me Big Sis…” As always, the woman insisted on having things her own way. “Actually, I would like to continue earning money, not just as a onetime gig.” “That works out for me, too. I have lots of different ideas for making money besides Axis Church’s You-Know-What. ‘Rice Balls Made By Pretty Little Girls,’ ‘Balloons Inflated By Pretty Little Girls,’ ‘Pretty Little Girls’…” “Are not all of those just exploiting young women?! I would prefer to earn money a bit more respectably, if possible…” “Hee-hee-hee,” Cecily giggled at me blithely. “Do you want to make money so badly because of something to do with Illis?” She was usually so thoughtless, yet now this woman seemed to be looking straight into my mind. “Well, you might say it has a bit to do with her. If we can procure stable funding and grow our organization enough, I believe it is no mere fantasy that we could someday help a certain masked thief defeat the Demon King…” “‘Defeat the Demon King’—you’re thinking big again!” Yes, surely it was more than mere imagination. I couldn’t help but think that easygoing masked bandit was capable of felling such a powerful foe. Also, if he could defeat the Demon King… “In a peaceful world without the Demon King, I figure that girl would be freer to go out and about than she is now.” Then I would be able to invite her to picnics, like today, or do anything else with her. I was sure she’d be delighted, too. “I am no good at making money, so will you help me? You seem to be good at coming up with unusual ways to earn cash.” Really, I could’ve just asked a certain guy, but… Well, I wanted to brag to him a bit after my gang had grown a little more. Yunyun didn’t particularly seem to object to relying on this confounded priestess, either, and nodded just a bit happily. However… “I can’t accept that so easily.” Shaking her head as if to say she wouldn’t be tricked by such sympathetic words, Cecily continued. “I am an Axis follower who loves lolis more than anything else. Megumin, if you, Yunyun, and Illis are doing something that interesting…then let me into that shady group of yours, too! I’ll agree to anything!” The woman’s eyes lit up as she said something incredibly stupid. 7 “…I’m home!” “Hey, welcome back, Megumin. Tonight’s dinner was prepared by the skillful hands of yours truly! Look forward to it!” Darkness’s cockiness greeted me when I returned to the mansion. Kazuma, who was lazily sprawled out on the sofa in the foyer, said, “Megumin, can you get her to stop? All I did was make one little complaint about her cooking yesterday. Now this girl is being a huge pain. She’s been saying today’s the day she’s gonna show me what for, or whatever.” “Don’t call me a pain! You were the one making fun of me! You just wait and see, ’cause I am technically a woman, and my cooking’s not gonna lose to some NEET’s!” While Darkness withdrew into the kitchen in a huff, Kazuma shouted, “Hey, Darkness, I’m not a fan of that watery stuff you made yesterday! It may be fancy, but junk food is what I like. I wanna eat something greasy today.” “Greasy, huh…? I already made something, but oh well, I’ll whip up another dish. I swear, you should make your requests sooner—” That’s when Aqua interrupted. “I like food that’s light. Something that you can just, like, slurp down would be nice.” “‘Slurp down’… Ummm, you mean noodles? Erg, oh well, I’ll start those, too… Wh-what about you, Megumin?” Having gotten an extra order from Aqua, too, Darkness now asked me for requests. “You already made something, right? I’m fine with that—your cooking is average, but not exactly a failure anyway.” “Don’t call me ‘average,’ Megumin! Still, it helps not to get an order that’s off-the-wall. I’ll go prepare the additional dishes, so hold on a sec.” After Darkness returned to the kitchen, Aqua brought a board game over to Kazuma as he lay on the sofa. “Kazuma, Kazuma, play with me while dinner’s cooking. Things will be different this time; I have a secret plan up my sleeve, after all.” With words that so obviously foreshadowed defeat, she giddily set up the pieces. “What do you mean, you ‘have a secret plan’ up your sleeve? The other day you said the same thing. When it came down to it, you shouted, ‘There’s no time limit, so I’m stalling! I may be no match in a battle of wits, but I won’t lose a test of endurance! I’m gonna take so much time that we could be here all night, so do your worst!’ and then you fell asleep ten minutes later.” “Shut it! That was then; this is now. Hee-hee, this time I’ve really got something amazing in store. You can go first. Come on—go ahead.” Kazuma moved a piece against Aqua, who was brimming with confidence. “You fell for it, Kazuma! I, in my wisdom, had the idea to deliberately go second and make the exact same moves as my opponent! In other words, my opponent will face someone just as strong as themselves. However, I am doing more than just copying—yes, although we’d be equally matched by mirroring my opponent’s skill, what happens when my skill is added on top?” Self-assured, Aqua made the exact same move as Kazuma. “Yes, this revolutionary tactic is my fearsome secret plan, and with it, I can win against anyone! All I have to do is imitate my opponent’s moves without even thinking. The instant they eventually tire out and make a mistake, I just have to start trying for real and…!” Aqua stopped mid-sentence. It seemed she was already in a pickle. Saying she’d imitate her opponent only got her outmaneuvered. Ignoring Aqua, who was busy strategizing, I took Chomusuke into my arms as she brushed against my feet, and gave a report of the day’s events. “Kazuma, we had pretty good results today. First, we succeeded in procuring a stable source of income for our crew’s future endeavors. With this, you could say we’ve taken a big step toward our goal.” He listened to my words without taking his eyes off the game. “That’s great. What, so by ‘procuring a stable source of income,’ you mean you were working a part-time job?” “Yes, more or less. We killed slimes and whatnot—a commission from the Guild.” He slapped a piece down and said, “Slime hunting, huh? Well, stuff like that might not be dangerous for your level, but if the other girls get in trouble, be sure to help them out, all right? Oh, guess that’s check already.” “Come on—that makes no sense. How am I the one at a disadvantage when I’m making the same moves?” It seemed he still thought I was just playing pretend. Maybe he just thought I was exterminating slimes with the neighborhood kids? Oh well. Telling him about it after we were huge, big enough to make him shake in his boots, was going to be great. “Dinner’s ready, everyone. No one is going to complain about my food today. Well, come sit down!” As I helped Darkness put dinner on the table, I said, “Speaking of—one more thing.” I turned to Kazuma, who was finishing up a quick counterattack to Aqua’s move. He hadn’t even considered the play at all. “I got another member.”
Chapter 7
15 min read