Chapter 6

Yunyun stood next to me, blushing at the phrasing, but nevertheless doing her job, handing the substance to patrons who came by. There’d been mention of an interview for salesgirls, but apparently, this was what it referred to. Attractive young women handing out packets of powder. That was all we were doing, but… “Excuse me, that there’s that banned stuff, right?” “Oh, not at all, sir. This has been improved to meet safety standards, making it non-banned you-know-what. Come on! I’m sure you will find it utterly addicting!” “I’ll take some! I’ll take three packs!” Despite the questionable solicitations, the young man went out of his way to buy you-know-what from each of us. “Just asking, Cecily, but this really is just an improved version of gelatinous slime, right? One that goes down smooth and tasty when you eat it, right?” “Yup. I don’t know what else it could be, Megumin, but you’re correct.” With the phrasing she and the customer had used, it all felt dubious to me. “Come one, come all! It’s you-know-what, squeezed hard by embarrassed pretty little girls! If you buy now, it’s only… Oh, is that…?” “Hmm? Funny meeting you here, Cecily. Long time no see.” An old gentleman passing by called to the priestess upon seeing her. They seemed to know each other. “Ooh, could it be…?! Is that what I think it is? The stuff that gives you a taste of heaven when you mix it with hot water and do you-know-what…?!” “Yes, by doing that even more to the you-know-what, we have greatly reduced its effects on the human body. As kindred aficionados, allow me to share a bit with y—” “This is gelatinous slime, right?! This is really just contraband gelatinous slime, is it not?!” ““Shh!”” Unable to stand it any longer, I yelled and was unjustly silenced for some reason. 5 In the end, the you-know-what, despite being scandalous in so many ways, sold out in the blink of an eye. Lewd and perilous phrasings had abounded, but I still couldn’t hide my surprise at learning of gelatinous slime’s unexpected popularity. Gleeful upon getting back to the church, Cecily praised our efforts. “The three of you did splendidly! Next time, it would be even better if you could mix the you-know-what with hot water and slurp it down in front of everyone…” “I will not! Hey, Megumin, we’re not gonna do jobs like this anymore, are we?! I really felt like I was doing something scandalous today, in more ways than one…,” Yunyun said, looking as if she’d lost something important. Regardless, this job let us make good money in a short time. Surely, there was no reason not to continue. “Miss Cecily, I had a lot of fun today! I earned money for the first time!” “Ah, wait a second, Illis! D-don’t look at your big sis like that! It somehow makes me want to repent to Lady Aqua!” Cecily clutched her own body, writhing under Iris’s innocent gaze. Before long, Cecily said she’d feed everyone some of the slime and fled toward the kitchen… “Ahhh! They did it again!” A sudden cry came our way. …Following where Cecily had gone, we searched the area to look for clues. “There was food in there before we left the church, right?” “Yes, I’m certain. I was keeping the gelatinous-slime powder in here; I saw how much food was stored at the time.” We’d been out selling for only around an hour, so the theft had to have occurred recently. I didn’t know how much food they’d taken, but it seemed unlikely they’d have been able to do it this skillfully unless they’d been watching the church, waiting for us to leave. Just then, Iris suddenly exclaimed, “Look, Cecily, footprints! Something was clearly being dragged—might it be from the person who took the food?” Taking a look, I saw there were absolutely traces of someone pressing something oily against the floor and dragging it. Peering, the priestess gave a solemn nod and said, “The other day, in the middle of making tempura, I fell and knocked over the pot. I remember casting Heal on myself and crawling around while writhing and covered in oil.” What exactly was this person doing with her life? Opening the magic fridge, Yunyun seemed to find something. “Miss Cecily, look at this! For some reason, there’s, um, men’s underwear in the fridge! If the culprit put something like this in the fridge of a church where a woman lives, they’re definitely a pervert!” Looking inside the magic device, I indeed saw some chilled underwear stored within. Clearly, as another woman, Yunyun couldn’t let such sexual harassment fly. She took the underwear and crushed them in anger. Again, the priestess nodded solemnly. “A male worshipper who doesn’t have a refrigerator at home left those in there. Apparently, he can’t relax after a soak unless he puts on cold underwear, so he stops by every day on his way home from the public baths.” As Yunyun hurled the underwear away, Cecily raised her voice in determination. “We’re getting nowhere. Megumin, now that it’s come to this, let’s interrogate each and every person who might bear ill will against me! All you have to do is make your eyes glow red and twirl your staff behind me. Then I will say, You have something to say to me, don’t you? If you don’t spit it out, I don’t know what the Crimson Magic Clansperson behind me will do…” “I will not cooperate with your threats! Just have a proper talk with them, please!” …Our first suspect was the butcher. His was apparently the closest shop to the Axis church. “All right, out with it! When I asked for ‘meat the same softness as a fourteen-year-old girl’s cheeks,’ you said, ‘Never heard of it.’ You were disgusted, weren’t you? Later, when I spread the rumor about you being useless and knowing nothing about good meat, you got mad and turned to crime…” “Hey, wait a minute, after you wasted my time with that idiotic order of yours, you went and spread rumors?! Let’s go to the police; I’m turning you in for obstruction of business!” “Ahhh, w-wait a minute, please. Don’t involve the cops! Recently, there’s this charming young man at the station who looks at me condescendingly and says, ‘You again?!’ At least wait till after I check if he has a girlfriend…!” …Maybe I should just leave her and go home? When I looked at Yunyun, she nodded quickly, as if she understood what I was thinking for once. All right, time to go home. “…Excuse me, sir, please wait. I will apologize, too, so please forgive Cecily.” A pure and innocent young girl’s voice cut through the unusual atmosphere of the conversation. “E-er. I mean, well, the, uh, maybe the police thing was a bit much. L-look. I’ll forgive you for this girl’s sake, but don’t go doing that again.” The butcher spoke with finality and then turned away. He had been unable to resist Iris’s pleading eyes. The criminal priestess, watching the man lumber back to his shop, was on the verge of tears as she grabbed Iris. “Ooohhh, Illis, thank youuuuu! In return, Big Sis will make you her li’l sis!” “N-no, um, about that… I just recently got a new big bro, so…” Dang, there goes our chance to ditch, I thought a bit regretfully while watching Iris, at a loss for what to do. “That was close. His leading interrogation did me in.” “Miss Cecily, was it not your own mouth that got you in trouble?” Having recovered, Cecily paid no heed to my observation. “Next is over there! Yes, the idea to go round-robin starting nearby was a big mistake! I should have begun the questioning with the most likely candidate!” The priestess ran off without even waiting for our reply. “She’s very proactive…” That may have been Iris’s impression, but I thought Cecily was being more thoughtless than proactive. “…Megumin, maybe we should’ve gone home after eating lunch today after all.” For today, at least, I was willing to concede that much. 6 We chased after Cecily, and sure enough, she had gone after the Axis Church’s sworn enemy. “Yo, come out right now, you Eris Church losers! Gimme back the pudding I was saving!” K-thnk, k-thnk! Cecily was kicking the rival Church’s door. “You mustn’t look, Illis! Shield your eyes. Grow to be a purehearted woman.” Trying to keep her from seeing what Cecily was doing, Yunyun covered Iris’s eyes while standing behind the young princess. “Miss Cecily, what are you doing? I know you are on bad terms with the Eris Church, but this is taking it too far.” Even when I tried to drag her back home, Cecily started pounding bam-bam on the door and refused to leave.