Chapter 5

1 My chanting of Explosion pervaded the grassy hill that overlooked the capital. “Explosion—!” A streak of light, a thunderous blast. The capital flew into an uproar, but having used up my mana, I crumpled over, unable to move from that spot. “Alert! The Demon King’s army is attacking! Alert! The Demon King’s army is attacking! All adventurers, please gather in front of the royal palace gate right away…” Just over ten minutes of waiting later, as I was listening detachedly to the announcement being broadcast throughout the capital… “…Theeeeere you are! You’ve gotta be kidding me; are you really an idiot?! Hey, are you seriously gonna keep doing this every day?!” “Sorry I’m late, boss. I managed to escape!” Perhaps aware that what she was doing was practically a crime, Yunyun was wearing her hood low enough that you couldn’t see her face. Her eyes peered out from the dark, glowing red with excitement and anger. Iris had also arrived, shouldering a small backpack and looking as if she’d gone out for a picnic. The blond princess came running up to where I was lying facedown at the top of the hill. “Good work, both of you. Er, might you be able to help me up a sec?” “‘Good work,’ yourself. Should I just bury you where you lie?! Megumin, you realize the capital is going crazy right now, don’t you? What in the world do you plan to do?!” As Iris flipped me over onto my back, Yunyun started lecturing me with her hands placed on her hips. “Nothing to be done about it now. You and I have gone through something like this before, remember? Did we not have a similar incident in Crimson Magic Village? Yes, that was a truly heartbreaking day…” “N-no way do you…” Yunyun and I had gone through an event comparable to this. In Crimson Magic Village, a mysterious lady devil who was after Chomusuke had been casting Explosion night after night. The details might be off, but that was the gist of it. “Do you mean to lay the blame on someone else again?!” “Wh-what do you mean, ‘again’? How rude! If you are talking about the explosions in Crimson Magic Village, that was—without question—the doing of the demoness. As for this time… We could say, Out of nowhere, there was a Demon King–like figure taking a stroll, and it suddenly cast Explosion and went home, or something like that as eyewitness information at the police station…” “I don’t think so! I’m not gonna give such stupid testimony!” As Yunyun went on berating me, Iris took her time and scooped me up in her arms. “Oh, I had box lunches and snacks made today. There is enough for both of you, so why don’t we go somewhere with a good view to eat?” “Hey, there’s more to this girl than just lacking sense, isn’t there? She seems like kind of a big deal in the capital!” While being held, I gave Yunyun instructions. “We will have people on our heels if we stay here. So let us return to Axel first. I think we should eat the box lunches outside town.” “Who cares about box lunches right now?! Ahhh, that’s not what I meant, Illis; please don’t look so sad! ‘Who cares’ was a bit much, sorry. Actually, going on a picnic and eating box lunches with friends is something I’ve always wanted to do!” Then, perhaps thanks to Yunyun’s shouting, voices aimed at us could be heard coming from town. They were saying things like, “That way,” and “Someone’s over there.” “Your big mouth got us caught, Yunyun. You are getting too excited over some friends and box lunches. I swear, you forever-alone types! Come on, quick, please cast Teleport!” “Hey, you think this is my fault?! I’m not sure I’m convinced!” Though she continued to make a big scene, Yunyun chanted, “Teleport!” She touched us and hurriedly finished the spell. …Arriving at the lake near Axel, we ate our box lunches on top of a blanket that Iris had been all too happy to spread out. “Hey, Illis, who made these box lunches? Mmmm, they’re so delicious. Um, they’re really good, you know, but the ingredients are so fancy. What I mean is, they’re not the kind of thing you’d take to a picnic.” “When I said, ‘I want to sneak out and have fun with my new friends; won’t you help me escape?’ for some reason, my maids were very enthusiastic and put them together.” “Are you saying your home’s big enough to have lots of maids? What business are the Chirimendonyas in? I was so happy at the part about new friends that I almost didn’t notice, but there were some bits in what you said that I can’t just ignore…,” Yunyun said, gazing intently at the steamed shark-fin dumpling held between her chopsticks. “Who cares about such things? There are some things you’re better off not asking about, like height or bust size, as well as number of friends and family matters.” “I’m sorry. You’re right, Megumin.” Whether because she was convinced or because there was something she didn’t want us to ask, Yunyun quietly picked up another morsel from her lunch. With my mana having recovered enough to eat, I wolfed down the high-end food as I spoke. “You are quite skilled when it comes to procuring provisions, though, Illis. I hereby appoint you as our supply manager—in other words, a promotion.” “A promotion! Thank you very much. I will do my best!” “Illis, she just wants you to bring more tasty food; don’t let her fool you!” Having finished our lunch, we went into the lake barefoot and chased around some small fish. We also taught Iris how to skip stones—that’s where you throw flat rocks and bounce them off the surface of the lake. We almost nailed someone fishing on the opposite shore and had to apologize profusely. In the meantime, the day turned to a calm afternoon… “Today was really fun. I’d love to do this every day. Okay, if we stay too long, someone will probably get worried and come looking for Illis again, so why don’t we head back?” At Yunyun’s wistful words, Iris packed the blanket and lunch boxes into her backpack. “Well then, shall we be off? Today was great fun. Let’s come back for another picnic!” I plodded along after the two of them while they hummed as we headed for Axel… “No! Why would we go home after we did nothing but eat?! When did this turn into a picnic?! Our work is just beginning!” Yunyun frowned like she’d had her cover blown. “Well, boss, what sort of business is on the schedule today?” Iris asked. I replied, “Right, let us discuss today’s plans. The other day, we acquired our hideout. It will be our Axel headquarters… The goal is to create more and more branches all over, eventually expanding our forces on a global scale, but there is something we need first. Therefore, let us procure a source of income so as to build up our funds.” “Hey, you’re joking about ‘global scale,’ right? Sometimes I can’t figure out if you’re joking or not, Megumin…” Naturally, I was speaking seriously. Although… “Our thief gang already has the Axel HQ and the capital branch. I am sure there will be more and more from here on out. By the way, the hideout in the capital branch is Illis’s home. Illis, once we have decided on a symbol for our crew, please make sure you display it up high at your place. Starting today, you are the manager of the capital branch. That is a big promotion.” “Thank you very much. I will do my best!” “Don’t believe her, Illis; she’s trying to take over your house!” It wouldn’t be long before our gang’s flag flew over the capital castle of this country. To that end, we first needed some money… 2 “And so please give us work—that is, a long-term and stable moneymaker—that also earns us a good reputation. Something like that would be best.” “Um, why don’t you go get a part-time job somewhere?” We had come to the Adventurers Guild and were asking the receptionist lady for some solid work. Iris, eyes sparkling, observed the adventurers in the Guild as I refused to waver at the fast and cold reply. “I want something more, you know, appropriate for us, not a job like that. The three of us are confident in our abilities, get it? Like, when something turns up and threatens the town, we defeat it and receive a protection fee—that sort of work…” “I heard a security firm started doing similar things just the other day, but they went out of business in the blink of an eye, you know?” For some reason, Yunyun, who was right next to me, averted her eyes at the receptionist’s words. Did she know something about this security firm that went under? “In any case, giving dangerous work to three young girls is just…” So she was judging us on our appearances. We’d already had trouble getting members because of how we looked. “Please, lady, it’s okay if it doesn’t rake in cash! Please give us some work that will continually win us money and the adoration of the townsfolk. That way they’ll want to join our crew! Also, if possible, combat-related work would be great!” “Work that fits those conditions is not something you see very oft— Ah.” The lady made a small noise, as if she knew something about a job fitting those exact specifications. “What is it? Is there something? Please let us do that, then!” “No. Well, there is, but it’s already taken, you could say… Actually, it’s a quest for slaying the crows that have been getting into the town’s trash collection sites. I don’t know why, but someone offered to do it for free.” Slaying crows. It certainly would earn the townspeople’s gratitude, it was technically combat-related, and it had the potential to earn us some steady money, but… Yeah, Crimson Magic Clan members and a princess heading out to slay crows was unthinkable. It was what you’d call a waste of talent—overkill. “That sort of quest definitely isn’t what I had in mind. The day I get a nickname as embarrassing as Crow Slayer, I will no longer be able to hold my head high as a proud member of my clan. Do you not have anything else? It doesn’t have to be from the town. Is there a big store or group somewhere that can give us regular work?” The lady thought hard for a while at my question. “Well, I suppose there is technically a place that meets your conditions…” …On the outskirts of Axel, in front of a moderately sized church that looked like it had recently been remodeled. “I never thought we would end up back here…” “Hey, Megumin, let’s forget about this. This is one place we shouldn’t go in!” This was the Axis Church’s branch in Axel. “What a pretty blue chapel, and just built, too! …Are you not going in?” Apparently, not knowing much about the Axis Church, Iris alone had made some naive remarks as she looked up at the building. “Illis, this is a very troublesome and dangerous place. If the people in here try anything funny, I give you permission to attack.” “This time, at least, Megumin’s right, okay, Illis? If any weirdos jump out, you don’t need to hold back.” With that warning, Iris, her head cocked, quietly opened the church door… At the same time, there came the sound of something falling over and shattering. “Ahhh, the expensive vase I put in front of the door! The vase rumored to bring happiness just by having it! Breaking something like this is like trying to steal my happiness, you impudent jerk! Now you’ll have to take responsibility and choose whether to look after me, pay to replace it, or join the Axis Church… Oh, Megumin and Yunyun?” Giving a feverish whirlwind rant, the priestess looked stunned upon seeing us standing at the entrance. “Um, we came here on a commission from the Guild… But maybe we will just be going.” Cecily’s face lit up upon hearing my reply. “…Er, do we really not need to pay for it? I would think such an incredible vase would be quite an expensive and powerful magical item…” Moved to tears at seeing Iris’s apologetic face, Cecily clasped her hands together to pray. …No, she’d been offering a prayer before that. “Ahhh, thank you, Lady Aqua! That you would send me such an innocent loli…!” Cecily seemed to be in high spirits today, no longer even listening to the talk of our quest. It might’ve been better to just go home pretending nothing had happened. “Illis, this woman deliberately placed that vase in front of the door, so you need not worry about it. She was waiting for someone to come in and break it. It is a nasty way to swindle someone out of a lot of money or push them into joining this Church by placing the blame on them.” I explained Cecily’s methods to Iris, who still looked troubled. Upon hearing my explanation, the blond princess curiously gave Cecily a look of reverence. “I never would have thought to get money or followers that way. You must be very smart, Cecily!” “Illis, that’s not something to admire! What this woman does is borderline criminal, do you understand?!” Actually, I think it’s past borderline. It’s just straight-up criminal. “Your name is Illis, right? I’m Cecily, a distinguished and beautiful priestess of the Axis Church. Feel free to call me Big Sis.” “Certainly, nice to meet you, Big Sis. My name is Illis.” “Hff, hff.” Cecily started breathing slowly and heavily after hearing the cute girl obediently call her that nickname. “Hey, Megumin, could it be that tomorrow is the day I perish? Will I die, having used up all my life’s good luck on this blessed day?” “You’re satisfied with your life because of something like this? Illis, this woman is going to become unstable, so just call her Cecily instead.” “Ahhh, no!” The priestess was experiencing some kind of disappointed shock. I decided to force a change of topic, since the conversation wasn’t going anywhere. “Well, back to what I was saying… We came here on a commission from the Guild. May I discuss business with you?” As Cecily wrapped her arms around her knees, depressed and starting to sulk, I showed her the quest bulletin we got from the Guild. 3 “Well then, let us get down to it. Though it is actually not that hard a job. The details are exactly as the paper says.” Basically, the job amounted to two tasks. The first was finding and driving away a shady person who’d been coming around the church recently. The other was a call for salesgirls, in order to procure a source of money for the church. Suspicious-person identification aside, the salesgirl part was quite a cushy gig. Apparently, all we had to do was regularly show up a few times a month for just a few hours. Doing that alone, supposedly we would receive a tenth of all sales. On the posting, it had been written that an interview was mandatory for the salesgirl job, but according to Cecily, that wasn’t necessary for us. I didn’t know what they wanted to sell, but as far as terms and conditions, you could say this was pretty unusual. “The salesgirl job looks like a piece of cake, so that sounds good. By the way, about the other bit of work…” At my query, Cecily put a finger to her cheek and looked troubled. “Well, it’s something that’s been going on for a little while, and…” According to Cecily’s explanation, someone had been eating the garden veggies growing behind the chapel and stealing food from the fridge inside. She also said the perpetrator made no sound, and by the time she’d noticed, the food was already gone. However, when she asked people in the neighborhood, nobody had seen anyone questionable. “A veggie thief and fridge raiding? I’m not quite sure what their aim is. If it’s to steal food, they surely would not need to go out of their way to steal it from such a dangerous church. There ought to be safer and easier places to hit. If they got caught here…who knows what would happen to them?” “Megumin, I don’t think our church is that unscrupulous. I don’t know of anyone who hates it.” I was racking my brain, trying to figure out who the culprit was, when Yunyun timidly opened her mouth. “Maybe this is some kind of grudge, Megumin? Like, somebody who was wronged by the Axis Church is coming to exact their revenge…” “A grudge? …Cecily, do you remember ever doing anything somebody would hold animosity over? Even something small?” At that, the priestess looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember. “…I don’t know, really,” she said, sadly shaking her head a bit. My prejudice that a priestess of the Axis Church had to be hated by someone might have made me speak a bit rudely. “I see. Sorry for asking something a little tasteless. Well, you might have unknowingly annoyed someone who now hates you despite your good intentions…” “No, that’s not what I mean. I remember so many grudges from people, I guess I can’t hope to narrow it down…” “That is disappointing; please give back my apology! What in the world did you do? Come on—let’s have you apologize to everyone you remember!” In the end, Cecily was exactly who I thought she was. “Still, it is strange for there to be no witnesses with such frequent thefts. Is the time of the crime always the same?” “I’m not sure about the time, since I usually realize I’ve been robbed after the fact…” The priestess pondered as she exchanged glances with Yunyun. “Cecily, what is your relationship with your neighbors like? Maybe you screwed up again, and your neighbors are conspiring against you…” “I work hard to get along with my neighbors here. In my old town, I often had trouble with them, and there was even a big hullabaloo where they came close to evicting me.” Really, though, what are we gonna do with this girl? “In any case, we will not get anywhere without any clues. Why don’t we defer the criminal search and hear about what we’ll be selling in the salesgirl job?” Hearing that, Cecily gleefully went to the back of the chapel and returned hugging something. It was a box full of a large amount of white powder. “…Ummm. Cecily, is this perhaps—?” Before I could ask what it was, the priestess held up a finger. “Shh! Megumin, you mustn’t say any more. This is simply powder that makes you very happy just by putting it into your mouth.” “Huh?!” Yunyun looked shocked at what she heard, while Iris cocked her head, confused. “Cecily, this is contraband, is it not? You will get in trouble again if you are found out, you know?” “‘Again’?! By ‘again,’ you mean she’s been convicted before?!” While Yunyun commented each step of the way, Iris’s eyebrows perked up at the word contraband. “Hee-hee, it’s fine, Megumin. It’s not that. This is a special product, using you-know-what as a base with repeated improvements. It isn’t banned yet. It’s already confirmed to cause no harm to the human body. Hee-hee-hee, once they know about this, none of the people in this town will be able to resist it!” “!” As Cecily smiled suspiciously, Yunyun drew her wand from her hip. My fellow Crimson Magic Clanner wore a sad look while she pointed it at the priestess. “Cecily, you talk and act strange sometimes, but I didn’t think you were the sort of person to do this! You’re just not someone I can overlook. I will make you reform!” Yunyun seemed to be seriously misunderstanding. Iris followed suit and smoothly drew her sword. “Anything designated as contraband must be harmful to this country. Even if it’s a special improved version, I cannot let it slide!” “Wait, why are the two of you looking at your big sis so coldly?! If I did something wrong, I’ll apologize. Look, I’ll even make sure to share this with both of you!” Cecily became horribly flustered at the sudden turn of events. “I can’t believe you would offer you-know-what to us… Surely you never offered it to Megumin or anything?” “Huh?! …W-well, of course I tried to share the joy of this you-know-what with…” Yunyun’s eyes glowed red. Strange, I’ve somehow seen a turn of events just like this before. “Wait! Could you listen to what Big Sis Cecily has to say?! I think you’ve got the wrong idea!” The two of them slowly crept toward the priestess. “You seem to be confused. This is a candy currently banned for sale because kids and old people can easily get it stuck in their throats. It’s gelatinous-slime powder,” I said. ““Huh?”” Weapons still in hand, both of them stopped in their tracks upon hearing that. “Sob, sob… This you-know-what is a revolutionary special product that won’t get stuck in Grandpa’s throat when he eats it…” The two of them exchanged glances as Cecily sobbed. 4 “…I swear! I would never sell something sinister! You realize I am part of the clergy, right?” ““Sorry!”” With the tables turned and Cecily now assertively lecturing them, Iris and Yunyun apologized in unison. Though I still felt like Cecily was to blame for using confusing phrasing each and every step of the way. “This you-know-what is a revolutionary special product that won’t get stuck in your throat. I spent a lot of time working on it. However, if we put it up for sale under the same ‘gelatinous slime,’ the police will come. So why don’t we call it ‘Axis Church’s White Powder’?” “I think that name is way more likely to make the cops come.” After talking it over a bit, we settled on the name “Axis Church’s You-Know-What.” Did she really intend to sell this stuff? Was it even something people would buy? Unconcerned with such thoughts, Cecily said, “Well then, let’s get to it! With all of you here, you can bet this will sell like crazy!” and cheerfully lifted up a box of the you-know-what. …I knew I had a bad feeling about this. “Boss? Is it okay for us to take so much money for work like this, just passing out powder? It seems like a terribly simple job somehow,” Iris said with a mystified look while she handed a customer some of the you-know-what. I did the same with another patron. “The work itself is simple and easy, so you’re not wrong. However, we have the right to receive a high-enough compensation.” I then glanced over at Cecily. “Come and get Axis Church’s You-Know-What! My church made this with a technique we can’t really talk about! It’s super easy to use. You just mix it with water and eat it! It’s goopy and slimy and oh, will you love it! Come now—won’t you taste some of the you-know-what those pretty little girls have in their hands?” I gotta say, this is a failure. A failure in so many ways. Why did she always have to make it sound so suspicious?