Chapter 24

“No. While I only have a few faint memories of my past, I don’t think my name was Cappy. And I am not a ‘gelatinous slime,’ which is a ridiculous name for a species, I might add, eith—” “You’re such a good boy, Cappy! You’re so clever! Now come on. Let’s go home! …Megumin, there are collectors who would kill to get their hands on a talking slime. Oh my gosh. I’m going to be rich. First thing I’ll do is take you out on a date.” It appeared she had already made up her mind on selling Cappy to a collector. She even invited me on a date. It better be an expensive restaurant. “Will you shut up and let me talk already?! I am not Cappy! My name was Lance or Vince or something like that!” lectured Cappy as his tiny, dumpling-size body jiggled with rage. “But the name Cappy is so much cuter! Megumin, what should I do? Cappy’s already going through his rebellious stage!” “I do not really know what’s going on, but it is nothing to get upset over, Mr. Cappy. It is a cool name, after all.” “I don’t care what some member of the Crimson Magic Clan thinks about names! …Crimson Magic Clan? Yes…! The Crimson Magic Clan!” Cappy, all fired up, seemed to come to some sort of realization. “Cecily! Megumin! Stand back! Do not let that slime touch you! I know that monster! It’s so poisonous that simply touching it could kill you in the blink of an eye! Plus, it’s strong against both physical and magical attacks!” Yunyun was getting worked up, perhaps due to her Crimson Magic Clan blood… It wasn’t just Yunyun who was feeling that way, though. “Why do I know the Crimson Magic Clan? How do I know they all have ridiculous names? Who am I…?” Cappy continuously questioned himself, as if he was trying to confirm his own existence. “Yunyun, how are you going to fix this? Cappy was just born, and he’s already being influenced by the Crimson Magic Clan.” “I actually think that would be pretty cool. But, Yunyun, you need to work on his backstory. Let’s give him a more terrifying ability. Like he can grow really big, or shoot lasers, or turn into a human, or something.” “This is no time to be joking, you two! This slime is seriously dangerous!” As Yunyun’s eyes glowed crimson, Cappy began to shiver, as if he was on the verge of remembering something else. “I’m dangerous…? Yes… The old me was strong. I used to be able to kill my foes simply by touching them, just like that girl said. People used to fear me and stay far away from me.” “Megumin, things are starting to elevate between them. Do you think we should do something before Cappy embarrasses himself? He’s talking like an edgy teenager.” “Shh. This is starting to get good. Let’s watch just a little bit longer, okay? It sounds like they are gravitating toward origin stories that involved them being rivals in the past.” I decided to keenly watch over Yunyun and Cappy from afar as they faced each other. “Why am I here, though? Why was I making these slimes gather food for me? Why…?! It’s on the tip of my tongue, but…!” “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you can’t stay here! You’re too dangerous! I’ll let you go, though, if you promise not to hurt anyone and go back to the forest!” They were really doing a good job of maintaining the serious atmosphere, and I was genuinely feeling left out. Cappy froze for a brief moment when Yunyun gave him an ultimatum. “I can’t do that. There must have been a reason I came to this place—a source of hot water. All I know is that it’s my mission to tarnish this land. Besides…” His acting was phenomenal, despite being a lowly slime. “You’ll let me go?! There’s no way I can let you go after learning you’re from the Crimson Magic Clan! I hate those people, and I hate Axis followers!” sharply declared Cappy. It must have taken a lot of guts for a harmless gelatinous slime. “Cappy hates the Crimson Magic Clan? I didn’t raise him to be a bigot. Megumin, do you think it’s my fault he turned out this way?” “He said he hates Axis followers, too. You shouldn’t have neglected your children.” But all of a sudden… “Oh yeah… I just remembered why I hate the Crimson Magic Clan and Axis followers! I…I remembered everything!” Cappy began trembling as if to convey that this was the climax of the show. “I am a dead poison slime and a general of the Demon King’s army! My name is—” “I am Megumin! Axel’s number one wizard and a member of the Crimson Magic Clan!” “All the excitement got you fired up, too, huh, Megumin? But you shouldn’t interrupt people and steal the show during their big scene.” I got so excited that I accidentally cut Cappy off in the middle of his monologue. “I’m sorry. The Crimson Magic blood in my veins bubbled with excitement… Please, Cappy. Go on.” “I am sick of you two interrupting me! If you’re not going to shut up, then get out of here! …Wait. I remember you!” Cappy suddenly shifted his focus to me, perhaps due to how many times I had interrupted him. “Cecily, do you think I should play along? It might sound cheap or cliché, but what if Cappy and I were rivals in a past life?” “I don’t know. I’d feel bad for Yunyun, since she’s his current rival, you know? How about Cappy being your long-lost father?” “I would feel bad for my real father back home… Do you have any good ideas, Cappy?” “That’s enough!! Do you seriously not remember me?! My body may have gotten smaller, but our battle was legendary!” claimed Cappy as his body shook. “He’s talking about some fierce battle we had, so it looks like he’s fine with the rivals-in-a-past-life backstory.” “Awww… I liked the long-lost father idea better… After learning that she was the daughter of a slime, Megumin falls into despair and embraces the dark side. But at the very end, I, a saint, use the power of prayer to heal the evil out of her, and we live happily ever after.” There was something somewhat attractive about embracing the dark side, but the ending was a definite “no thank you” from me. ““What do you think?”” “Y-you…! Both of you…! You’re going to pay!” Almost immediately after Cecily and I asked Cappy what he thought… “Inferno!” Yunyun’s echoing voice was followed by a scorching hellfire, swallowing every jiggling gelatinous slime in sight along with Cappy’s small body. “Cappyyyyyy!” cried Cecily, tears in her eyes. “I-I’m sorry, Cecily… But that slime was…” Yunyun apologetically curled over, but it was too late. We had already given the slime a name and spoken with him, and thus had grown attached to him. I was rubbing Cecily’s back to console her as she wailed and cried when… “Sniffle…! Hic…! I was going to be rich… I could have sold Cappy for so much money… I was going to take Megumin on a date with that money… All my beautiful gelatinous slimes are gone…” “Cappy put his heart into his role and would turn in his grave if he heard you say that. Besides, think about all the places those slimes had been. They were filthy. You’re lucky you didn’t eat any of them.” The roaring flames burning the ground were slowly dissipating when all of a sudden, I heard a crack. The scorching flames had turned the ground into glass. “Impressive as always, Crimson Magic Clan. However, I am a general of the Demon King’s army. I am Han—” “He’s alive! He’s alive, Cecily! Cappy’s still alive!” “Yes!!” Cecily and I joined hands and celebrated Cappy’s survival. “What are you two celebrating for?! Please…! This is serious!” “Stop interrupting me before I finish introducing myself! Ugh! Whatever. I’ll just start with you, since you were the first to attack! After that, I’m going to tear the pip-squeak over there apart for blowing me into pieces last time!” “Pip-squeak”? Was he talking about me? I never thought I’d see the day where a gelatinous slime tried to pick a fight with me. “You survived Inferno?! It looks like you’re not just any ordinary deadly poison slime! How about this? Lightning Strike!” A bolt of lightning immediately struck Cappy right after Yunyun’s chant. Cappy’s tiny body twitched, but he managed to endure the shock as smoke rose from his body. “Your spells are powerful for your age, but unfortunately for you, you’re outclassed! A high-level spell or two isn’t enough to defeat me!” declared Cappy before immediately torpedoing for Yunyun like a thrown ball. However, right before he hit her, Yunyun launched her body to the side and rolled out of the way. “Megumin, Megumin! This fight between Yunyun and my Cappy is getting tense!” “She really puts herself out there for others. Even though he’s a slime, she must be really happy to have someone to play with, since she hasn’t had a friend in years.” “Do I look happy?! Do you not see me desperately trying to dodge him?!” A tiny slime like Cappy would hardly do any damage even if he ran into you, yet Yunyun was working really hard not to break character while pretending simply touching him would kill her. As Cappy threw himself at Yunyun once more, she swung her wand and hit him as hard as she could. “Would you look at him fly? Yunyun seems like she’s having so much fun.” “She really does. You must be thrilled to have finally made a friend, huh, Yunyun?” “Stop joking around and help me already!!” Yunyun continuously smacked him with her wand, tears in her eyes and breathing heavily, but Cappy just kept bouncing back. More importantly… “Cecily, is it just me, or does Cappy seem a little…strong? Yunyun is going to be the next leader of the Crimson Magic Clan, so it is a little strange that someone who claims to be my rival cannot defeat a little slime in one hit.” “I left the slime powder hidden in the Axis headquarters for a long time, so it probably received Goddess Aqua’s blessing or something.” Made sense. “Does that make Cappy an Axis follower, then? That’d explain why he doesn’t know when to take a hint and give up.” “Hey! Don’t you dare call me something so disgraceful! And it’s about time you remembered who I am!” Cappy shifted his attention to us as if he was not about to let us get away with calling him an Axis follower. But all of a sudden… “Cursed Crystal Prison!” “Hnnng?!” gurgled Cappy, his voice filled with surprise, as Yunyun trapped him inside a cell made of ice. …It was strange. There was something about seeing a slime being frozen in ice. “You let your guard down, and I can’t afford to lose this battle when the Crimson Magic Clan’s reputation is on the line!” “Ha-ha! I thought you were just a little brat, but I find myself impressed yet again! Tell me your name, girl! Then we fight to the death!” I’m a woman who never looks back, but there was something familiar about Cappy’s voice… Eh. Whatever. “My name is Yunyun, the powerful Arch-wizard! I am the greatest wizard of the Crimson Magic Clan and its next leader! …I used to not like giving my name before battle, but…it’s surprisingly not that bad.” “Ha-ha! Not bad at all if I do say so myself! So…you’re the next leader in line, huh? No wonder you’re so strong! Very well. Allow me to express my gratitude by telling you what I’ve been doing since I came back to life. I’ll tell you just how I survived after being blown to bits! It all started when…” As a member of the Crimson Magic Clan, I wasn’t going to back down from a fight, especially when the opponent trying to pick a fight with me was a gelatinous slime. I pointed my wand at Cappy and… “Explooosion!” “What is wrong with youuuuuuuuu?!” 5 We returned to the Axis headquarters to inform them that we had exterminated Cappy. “…And so Cecily’s gelatinous slime just mysteriously evolved and—” “Megumin, wait! I’ve thought about it, and I’m positive Cappy wasn’t one of mine. It wouldn’t make any sense! I mean, he talked! And he was rebellious!” “Megumin! I am not letting this slide! Not today! How do you always manage to misread the situation?! Because of you, my battle with Cappy was…!” I ignored their complaints and focused my attention on Iris, who had stayed behind. “Did anyone mess with you while we were gone? You don’t need to cry yourself to sleep tonight. I know a real cold-blooded prosecutor in Axel who can help us out legally if needed.” “You don’t need to worry about a thing, boss. All Uncle Zesta asked me to do was to blow up a balloon for him, since his lungs apparently aren’t what they used to be. Nothing else happened, really…” Zesta instantly dashed off, holding a balloon like it was his most cherished possession. Yunyun promptly chased after him for me, since I was unable to move after expending my mana. She eventually backed him into a corner, and his expression turned grim, as if it were the end of the world. He then resolutely brought the lip of the balloon toward his face and… “Light of Saber!” “Sacred Dispel!” Yunyun shot a blade of light at the balloon, but Zesta stuck out his hand, causing the light to vanish. “Zesta, please don’t try to block the spell like that! This magic can cut through anything, depending on how much power the caster puts into it! I could have cut off your arm!” “And you just used a dangerous spell like that on me?! You have no right to complain! The breath of a beautiful young girl is sealed within this divine treasure, and it shall be enshrined here until the end of time. Now begone, heretic!” “How can you call me a heretic after all I’ve done for you today?! I will not be treated like this! Hand over that balloon!” Yunyun unsheathed her dagger in a rage, as if she was going to pop the balloon. “Sigh… Your temper is even shorter than mine, Yunyun. Come on. Why be mad? You got to kill a wyvern with Iris, but all I got to do was destroy some slime subspecies,” I said while exhaustedly sinking into my chair. Cecily smiled at me. “Megumin, Megumin. I’m going to give you a reward for working so hard today and defeating that slime.” “N-no thank you. I’m fine. We’re friends, aren’t we? So I don’t need a thing!” I was spent due to using all my mana, so I could hardly move…which meant I wouldn’t be able to fight back if Cecily did anything to me. She smirked as her right hand approached me… “Blessing!” She cast a blessing spell on me. “Um… Is this my reward?” “Of course. May great things come to you, Megumin! …Oh? Were you expecting something a little more…intimate? Oh, Megumin! I love you sooooooooo much!” “Ack! Get off me! I’m already feeling like a bag of rocks because I’m out of mana!” Cecily latched on to me, rubbing her cheek all over my face. “I had so much fun on our adventure today, Megumin!” She then flashed a brilliant smile, grinning from ear to ear. It wasn’t really much of an adventure, but…I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have fun traveling to a faraway town with everyone. “Boss, I had a lot of fun on our adventure today, too! Let’s do this again sometime!” Taken aback by Iris’s innocent grin, I put on a smile and nodded. “I will not let you off the hook with some feel-good back patting! Nobody is going anywhere until you reflect on your actions and change your ways!” Yunyun, making no attempt to mask her rage, was mercilessly chasing Zesta after popping the balloon. Watching him pick up the scraps of shredded rubber with tears in his eyes was heartbreaking. She had apparently cut the lip off the balloon just in case, too. Zesta was muttering something about tasting a young girl’s lips and other unspeakable things, so it was good that we shut him down before things got out of hand. “I am sorry about robbing you of your fight, but Cappy was the one who started it. You cannot blame me for finishing what he started. Besides, Yunyun, it is your fault for being so slow anyway.” “How was I being slow? You’re supposed to listen to the enemy make one last speech before defeating them!” It appeared that the blood of the Crimson Magic Clan had slightly awakened in Yunyun, but she still had a long way to go. “Kazuma said that people who talk about themselves in the middle of battle are chumps. He also said when last bosses say something like Your doom is certain, they’re basically dead men walking, so he’d unleash a surprise attack on them if they started monologuing.” “More people need to get mad at Kazuma so he’ll learn.” Just then, Zesta, whose eyes were as red as a Crimson Magic Clan member’s due to all his crying, approached us. “Regardless of what that heretic right there did, I still appreciate your help today, Megumin. Allow me to express my gratitude as the leader of the Axis Church.” “It’s fine. Besides, I had a good time.” Plus, it was not like I was a stranger around these parts. While the Axis followers were a little— No, while the Axis followers were extremely perverted, they were not bad people for the most part… Or at least I’d like to think that…maybe… I was slowly feeling less confident about it the more I thought about it. Zesta turned to me as if he was just making small talk and asked: “By the way, Megumin, how has that Arch-priestess in your party been? Is she doing well?” “You mean Aqua? She has been doing so well that she sleeps half the day and enjoys every minute of it.” And she cried a good bit every time she got too carried away, but I decided to keep that to myself to protect her honor. “Oh, is that so? I’m glad.” Zesta’s expression warmed with relief, like a grandfather hearing how his dear granddaughter was doing. “May you and your party be blessed with continued health and happiness.” He smiled gently at me. 6 That night. “I’m back.” “Ahhhhhh! How many times do you have to win before you’re happy?! I know you’re cheating! You can’t fool these clear eyes!” I was welcomed by Aqua’s crying the moment I opened the door to the mansion. “Oh, welcome back. You stayed out late today, huh? Where’d you go?” asked Kazuma, removing a wooden block from a wobbling tower while also pushing Aqua away as she cried and tried to cling to him. “I went to Arcanletia and had a little adventure.” Aqua froze when she heard the name of the town. “Megumin, did you not think to invite me before going somewhere so fun? Arcanletia is the capital of water. And do you know what I’m the goddess of? Exactly. Here, have a seat. You and this cheater Kazuma need someone to set them straight.” “But you were prohibited from entering Arcanletia. Remember?” I said to Aqua as she was patting the spot next to her on the couch as if to entice me to sit. Darkness, who was playing with Chomusuke on the rug and letting her nibble on her fingers, also chimed in. “I would have gone with you, too, if I knew you were going to Arcanletia. To tell the truth, I kind of like those crazy cultists.” I was having trouble coming up with even a single reason to like them. “Excuse me, Darkness, but could you please not call my people ‘crazy cultists’? You know what Cecily said? She said the nobles in this country were weirder than both Axis followers and the Crimson Magic Clan combined.” “Wh-what?! Aqua, next time you see Cecily, you bring her to me! I am going to prove to her that nobles are not weird!” Darkness suddenly stood up, as if she felt insulted as a noblewoman herself. “Oh yeah… Now that I think about it, why was I playing with Kazuma, who’s good at games like this, instead of Darkness, who’s terrible? Hey, Darkness? Want to play Tumbling Wooden Tower with me? Loser has to take out the trash for the winner when it’s the winner’s day to do trash.” “Oh? You think you can win because I’m clumsy, huh? Unfortunately for you, these games take more brainpower than dexterity. Very well. I’ll play your game!” Darkness promptly took a seat before the wooden-block tower. “You’re on, Darkness. I may lose to a cheater like Kazuma, but there’s no way I’m losing to you. I have a foolproof strategy, after all.” “Great. Then let’s see this strategy of yours… If I lose, you’re not going to ask me to do anything outrageous like Kazuma does, right?” “Darkness, I am about to make stacking wooden blocks into an art form. Are you sure you don’t just want to give up while you can?” “I’ll never give up.” I looked away from them as they played their game, dragged my mostly mana-depleted body over to Kazuma’s side, and sat. “You look really tired today. But I can probably guess why, since you went to Arcanletia.” “Oh? Are you implying you want to hear about my tales of heroism?” “Eh. I’m not that curious,” Kazuma replied flat-out while picking Chomusuke up off the rug. “Hey, Aqua? Why are you only going for the hard ones?” “I don’t even know why, but the entertainer side of me is telling me I need to go for the hardest blocks to pull out… Ah!” “I hope you enjoy taking out the trash.” Their noisy exchange piqued my interest, but I was busy telling Kazuma about my adventure… “I went to Arcanletia to exterminate a horde of gelatinous slimes today, but there was one that was surprisingly tough…” …in high hopes that the next day would be the day he joined me on my adventure. “Rematch! I demand a rematch! This isn’t what it looks like, Darkness! There’s a female ghost living in this mansion, and she’s pushing the blocks out of the tower from the inside…!”