「Chen Yuying: 」
「Lin Li: Hurry up and pick up, Monitor. I'm already prepared.」
「The other party has declined.」
「Chen Yuying: I won't pick up! Pervert! 『Bear flying kick gif』!」
「Lin Li: Perhaps… this isn't being perverted 『Tears』 『Sigh』……」
「Lin Li: Monitor, do you want to hear a story from my childhood that I've buried deep in my heart and never told anyone else before?」
「Chen Yuying: No.」
Lin Li: "?"
My fingers have already started typing the story, how can you not want to hear it.
Holy crap, whose girlfriend is this? So cold and ruthless.
I'll act like I didn't see it this time, but don't do it again next time.
「Lin Li: When I was a child, my family was very poor and we couldn't afford to take baths.
Every day, as soon as the time for taking a bath arrived, the other little kids who were originally playing together would all have to go take a bath.
And every single time this moment came around, possessed of a very strong self-esteem, I would always smilingly say to them, "Bye-bye, bye-bye, I have to go home and take a bath too. I take a bath every day. Let's take a bath together sometime when there's an opportunity."
But in reality, I didn't have a bath to take at all. What I could do every day was stalk the prettiest little girl, wait for her to take a bath, press myself against the window, and watch her take a bath enviously and secretly.
I was like a rat in a sewer, peeping at other people's blissful baths.
Occasionally, if I could touch a few drops of left-over bathwater, I would rub it onto my body, fantasizing that I was also happily and joyfully taking a bath.
The days passed one by one like this, but finally one day, the matter of my peeping was discovered.
The little girl called her mom and dad. Later, all the little kids I used to play with found out I couldn't afford to take a bath. They began to mock me and stopped playing with me altogether.
After my mother found out, she cradled me in her arms and cried as she said to me, "Lin Li, it's fine, it's fine. Mom will definitely let you take baths in the future! Definitely!".
Looking at my mother's tears, I shed tears too. At that moment, I secretly swore in my heart that once I grew up, I would definitely watch grown-up girls take baths!!」
「Lin Li: So, babe, seeing how I spent ages typing all this out and even told you my psychological trauma, can you fulfill this dream of mine?」
「You initiated a video call.」
「The other party has declined.」
Deplorable. Lin Li slapped his thigh with a fair amount of vexation.
I clearly applied the perfect template for those moving little stories; to think I actually failed to deceive her.
Theoretically speaking, shouldn't the monitor have red rims around her eyes as she said with a crying cadence, "Lin Li, you're so pitiful, I'll satisfy your little wish right now"?
「Chen Yuying: Wait a bit, I have Auntie's WeChat. I'm going to forward this to her to ask if it's true. If it's true, I'll help you fulfill your dream.」
Lin Li began to ponder. If he told Wu Min the truth, would she be willing to help him forge an alibi?
Forget it, it seemed unlikely.
This week's maternal love had already been used up; she would probably slap him into orbit.
「Lin Li: There's no need for that. My mom is already asleep. How about you ask my mom's son instead? He knows the truth. I can push his WeChat to you.」
「Chen Yuying: 『Fist』 『Fist』」
「Chen Yuying: Lin Li, my hands are covered in water, typing is so inconvenient. Let's stop chatting for now, I'll look for you in a bit.」
「Chen Yuying: You're not allowed to forget your original intention.」
Lin Li, who was in the middle of typing "Video calls don't have this kind of trouble," discovered that he had been read like a book.
「Lin Li: Then let's take a step back each. Let's have a voice call. Fulfilling my childhood wish will just have to happen a bit later.」
「Chen Yuying: That won't do either. You've already eaten a lot tonight. If you eat another three bowls of rice, you're going to turn into a 『Pig head』.」
Lin Li chuckled. During the autumn school trip, he had imitated Azusagawa Sakuta and uttered a similar statement.
And sometimes, you really couldn't blame Kevin Durant.
Being a pervert could only be described as basic human nature.
「Lin Li: Monitor, I won't allow you to look down on yourself like this. Three bowls is the amount I can eat just by listening to Chiu-chiu's bath sounds. If it's yours, I can down at least thirty bowls.」
「Chen Yuying: Then you definitely can't eat it.」
「Lin Li: Alright, I won't continue to bother you. Go ahead and do your soaking first. I might as well go take a bath too, following the wife's lead.」
「Chen Yuying: Okay~」
「Lin Li: But Monitor, don't soak in the bath for too long. Bathing can make a person fat.」
「Chen Yuying: Real or fake?」
「Lin Li: Real. Last time I saw a person soak in a small river for three days. When he came ashore, his whole body had ballooned by a massive margin; you couldn't even recognize his original appearance at all.」
「Chen Yuying: ……」
「Chen Yuying: Before I finish my bath, I won't reply to a single message of yours again 『Angry』 『Angry』.」
「Lin Li: Really?」
No reply.
Lin Li shook his head with a smile and stopped sending messages, grabbing his change of clothes and heading to the bathroom to take a shower.
Although he had just washed his hair this morning, because he had sprayed styling gel, he still had to wash it once more tonight.
Finished.
Even if they had to wash their hair, boys showered very quickly.
Chen Yuying had actually sent him a message, but it was to say that she was starting her skincare routine.
Based on prior experience, this would definitely take a good while.
Lin Li was just planning to take advantage of the free time to ponder the system mission when his phone screen lit up again.
But it wasn't Chen Yuying.
「Chen Tianming: Are you there?」
「Chen Tianming: Lin Li, what are you doing?」
I almost forgot about this kid.
Those two animals, Bai Bufan and Wang Ze, still hadn't replied to his messages until now. It turned out Chen Tianming was the truly good bro, keeping him in mind.
However, for this guy to actively seek him out... heh heh, looks like he also succeeded and came over to flex, right?
What kind of auspicious day for confessions was today? Every single one of them succeeded.
Since that was the case, this brother of yours will checkmate you first!
「Lin Li: What? Tianming, how did you know my confession already succeeded? Bufan told you?」
「Lin Li: 『Image』.」
「Lin Li: Look, a sci-fi film plot.」
Subsequently, Lin Li waited for Chen Tianming to respond with an equivalent flexing moment.
However, Chen Tianming seemed to have vanished.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Don't let waiting become a regret.
"Busy, busy, it's good to be busy." Lin Li was just sighing sorrowfully when the next moment, the phone vibrated…
A reply came!
But the ones replying weren't Chen Tianming:
「Bai Bufan: Lin Li, screw your early morning class!!」
「Wang Ze: Lin Li, screw your mother!!」
Lin Li: "?"
……
The next day, Sunday.
「Lin Li: Everyone, I ate a portion of river snail rice noodles at noon today. Exploding spicy and exploding satisfying, extremely gratifying. Are you guys eating? @Ding Sihan @Qu Wanqiu @Bai Bufan」
「Ding Sihan: I don't need it, my aunt is here.」
「Lin Li: Then I'll buy you two portions.」
「Lin Li: Your aunt has absolutely never eaten river snail rice noodles this spicy and this gratifying!」
「Ding Sihan: ?」
「Ding Sihan: You're f—ing blinded by the spice, aren't you?」
「Lin Li: It's truly spicy.」
「Lin Li: You and your aunt can just wait to be gratified, hahahaha—」
「Ding Sihan: Dumbass.」
Lin Li was indeed blinded by the spice right now.
With two ice cubes held in his mouth, his line of sight was somewhat blurry.
After waking up this morning for his routine "Eight-Section Brocade Body Tempering Exercise," he had headed to the driving school to continue grinding hours.
He ground out four hours in the morning. Counting the two hours each from yesterday and the day before, as well as the four hours from last week, he had finally finished grinding the mandatory academic hours for Subject Two today.
If the booking went smoothly, he would be able to go take the Subject Two exam next week.
Not forgetting his mission, on his way home, Lin Li had made a detour to a river snail rice noodle shop that was highly rated online for being insanely spicy, packing a portion to bring home.
And then he ended up in this current miserable shape.
He clearly felt he had made ample preparations. According to internet data, he had drunk milk and eaten bread in advance to form a protective layer, and had set a large amount of milk, honey water, and ice cubes aside to stand by.
One could only say that the old adage was indeed true: to forge iron, you still need to hit it hard.
Assistance was only assistance after all; it still required him to be capable of eating spicy food.
However, after being blinded by the spice, there was naturally a harvest. At the very least, he confirmed that the mission was not restricted to that iron-plate squid stall. Currently, the progress of "Fire" had been steadily rising, and by a significant amount.
Lin Li felt that if he could down all of this soup in a single breath, perhaps he could directly complete the mission right now.
But forget it.
Lin Li didn't even dare to imagine what kind of challenge his home's toilet would have to welcome next if he continued eating.
Small amounts frequently; "Fire" could also be completed within this week.
Taking a short half-hour, Lin Li only completely recovered from this perverted spice by adopting the method of absorbing spiritual qi to nourish his entire body.
Subsequently, Lin Li went downstairs to hail a cab.
At the current stage, there were three system missions that could be completed: Five Elements, Matchmaking, and Evil Doer.
For the Evil Doer mission, things had already yielded preliminary results on Dengzi's end. He had developed 'informants' in several other schools, and was also in negotiations with a few individuals out in society who wanted to earn some 'legal money'. Although they were currently somewhat hesitant, they said they would have an answer this week.
For the Five Elements mission, he would see if he could find an abstract method for "Water" and "Earth." If he couldn't find one, he could only complete it using the clumsy method, which was merely a matter of time.
Meanwhile, the mission Lin Li currently planned to start handling was the Matchmaking one.
Having nothing to do in the car, Lin Li sent a message to Chen Yuying:
「Lin Li: What are you doing this afternoon?」
「Chen Yuying: I haven't decided yet. Maybe go out with my mom to buy clothes, or maybe practice the piano or dance at home.」
The monitor's life is indeed colorful.
The two of them hadn't kept chatting at all times today like they did last night. Today's direct messages were estimated to be only a few hundred lines—it sounded like a lot, but with text chatting, a few words often constituted a single message.
It wasn't that they had nothing to chat about, but rather that the two of them tacitly maintained this appropriate degree.
Not too much, not too little, just right.
「Chen Yuying: What about you?」
Informing her honestly right now was temporarily a bit inappropriate.
On the second day of just starting to date, going to a matchmaking agency to have a matchmaker arrange matchmaking matters for oneself... this wasn't something a human being could do.
Although he already had a plan in mind, whether the mission required a group activity or an individual matchmaking session, he had to confirm the feasibility from the agency's side first. It was a matter that hadn't even begun yet.
To start lying on the second day of getting together... holy crap, what kind of scumbag am I?
「Lin Li: I have no experience since it's my first time dating, so I decided to go research matters related to dating this afternoon.」
「Lin Li: Wait for me to return after masterfully learning it, and I'll take you to practice together.」
This was the absolute truth!
「Chen Yuying: 『Bear nodding gif』」
「Chen Yuying: But don't learn bad things.」
It could be considered as having fudged it over without lying.
Arriving at the destination.
"Hello, is anyone here?"
"Yes, young man. May I ask who you are looking for..."
A woman of about thirty years old walked up. Her professional smile faltered slightly upon seeing Lin Li clearly, and she subsequently questioned with some hesitation.
Under normal circumstances, those who showed up directly at the door without contacting them online beforehand were mostly single men and women in their thirties or forties, or their family members.
The young man in front of her didn't look like a customer.
"Hello, I need to learn a bit about matchmaking." Lin Li got straight to the point.
"Eh? Please come inside and take a seat first." The woman was somewhat surprised, but she brought Lin Li inside.
"Is it you yourself who needs the matchmaking service?" After brewing a cup of top-tier tea that cost a dime per gram for Lin Li, the woman inquired.
"Correct."
"……Alright," the woman nodded, "then you've definitely come to the right place by seeking us out. We possess the richest resources, and they are very young……"
Since that was the case, there was no need to care why the person in front of her came for matchmaking. A bastard would refuse to make money; the woman began to sing her own praises.
"I've heard rumors, otherwise I wouldn't have made a special trip here," Lin Li nodded cooperatively, then plunged directly into the main topic:
"So Sis, what is the general process like on your end? And how much do you generally charge?"
"Alright, alright, then let me introduce our service mechanism to you." The woman immediately nodded:
"It's like this. We have pay-per-session charging and membership charging. For pay-per-session, a single introduction fee is three hundred yuan.
For membership charging, we only have annual fees, divided into two tiers: 2,500 and 5,500 yuan. The 2,500 tier includes the service of introducing matches to you for the entire year. The 5,500 tier additionally includes tickets to some dating activities that we hold every month.
For these activities, ordinary members need to pay an additional fee to participate.
Furthermore, premium members are also presented with priority in the membership database list. When excellent girls newly register as members, they will also be matched with priority."
"Have you guys held this month's activity yet?"
"Not yet. Maybe next week or the week after next, it hasn't been set yet."
"What's the content?"
"Mainly some activities to let everyone get familiar and acquainted with each other, such as organizing men and women to go out and play together……"
"Understood, I'm a bit interested. Then what about the process for non-activity matchmaking? For instance, if it's per session." Lin Li nodded, but he still had to prepare a Plan B.
"Per session? That would be you giving us your criteria, and we will screen females in the membership database who basically meet the requirements for you, subsequently providing them for your inspection.
After you confirm your desired target, we will go contact them one by one. If the other party doesn't explicitly refuse, we will have you try to get along, and then arrange a face-to-face date offline.
But for this kind of service, regardless of whether it succeeds or fails, we will charge a fee. The cost-performance ratio isn't high, and there's no opportunity to get familiar online first. Personally, I still recommend you get a membership." The woman answered.
"Understood that as well," Lin Li nodded. Deliberating for a moment, he spoke up: "Sis, as long as you can agree to a few of my requests, I can purchase a service right now—the kind where your commission is as high as it gets."
"Ah?" Hearing this, the woman was stunned for a moment, displaying not much pleasant surprise but rather a bit of vigilance: "What kind of requirements are they?"
"I hope that when my data is entered into your system, you can help me polish a bit of the information."
"Oh, oh—approximately which pieces of information?" The woman's brow relaxed instead. Elongating her tone, she inquired with a smile, "Height? Weight? But to be honest, little brother, you really don't have any need to polish those."
As a matchmaking agent, she had seen plenty of users who hoped to make their profiles look prettier.
But what would Lin Li need to polish?
"Height and weight don't need it. It's the other things." Lin Li smiled, waving his hand politely.
"Oh? Then which ones?" The woman grew a bit curious now.
"The other things," Lin Li repeated.
"Yes, go ahead." Seeing Lin Li stop talking after saying those words, the woman prompted politely.
Lin Li: "Just all the other things."
The woman: "……What?"
"Meaning except for height and weight, all the other things are to be polished. The name, the age, the occupation……" Lin Li said seriously.
The woman: "(；☉_☉)?"
What kind of polishing is this? This is fundamentally changing one's whole identity, isn't it!
"No, no, no way!"
Coming to her senses and realizing what Lin Li was saying, the woman waved her hands frantically, her pupils experiencing an earthquake: "Young man, helping you polish your information is no problem, but what you're asking for is already fraudulent information. This truly won't do!"
"Money isn't an issue," Lin Li had anticipated this reaction, thus directly employing his financial superpower:
"My budget is relatively ample. For instance, this number is explicitly for you individually. If it's not enough, we can discuss further."
Lin Li typed a number on his phone's calculator and displayed it to the woman.
The woman's eyes widened.
Holy crap, 5000.000000. Clusters of dense zeros. This kind of grand spectacle was something she had only witnessed in Chengdu previously.
Wait, screw your mother ☉_☉, the woman's brow furrowed. Hold on, why are there six zeros behind the decimal point?
Damn it, so it's not fifty million, it's five thousand?
The woman: "……"
What kind of calculator numerical precision lock is this: FIX=6.
"This truly won't do, it's not a matter of money……"
Although five thousand yuan counted as quite a lot in Xiling, taking a risk for this sum and gambling away her professional career was truly unnecessary. Therefore, the woman still refused.
"Rest assured, Sis, I know what you're worried about. But my purpose is for investigation and research."
It was still a normal reaction. Lin Li spoke up with a smile.
"Investigation and research?" The woman was dumbfounded again.
"Correct," Lin Li nodded, "I am conducting sociological research on matchmaking mindsets, choices, and other aspects. Currently, I need more realistic cases to support and enrich my research."
"Ah?" How could a matchmaker in a small town like Xiling understand such a high-class concept?
"Sis, you'll be at ease once you hear my requirements for a matchmaking partner.
My 'partner criteria' is having no criteria.
I don't need any shining points. On the contrary, I need the most outrageous, unrealistic, and fantastical female members you have here—preferably the kind of stubborn holdouts that you guys find annoying……"
"Additionally, although I am using fraudulent information for matchmaking, I will provide my true identification information to you. Even if an accident occurs, you can find me at any time."
"Secondly, I won't have any contact with the other party outside of the regular process. The fraud and crimes you're worried about will absolutely not happen.
The other party might even detest me to the absolute extreme……
……
……
For all the things mentioned above, you can constantly pay attention and verify them. If you feel that something is going wrong and I can't give you a reasonable explanation, you can choose to terminate the transaction and expose me."
Lin Li laid out the plan he had roughly mapped out.
"Child, you wouldn't happen to be some social media influencer who's going to record a video later, right? That won't do either…… Once this kind of thing spreads out, I'll still lose my job."
"There won't be any visual recording whatsoever. I sw—we can sign a contract. If you see a video posted by me anywhere, I will pay you astronomical compensation." Lin Li offered a reassuring guarantee.
After finally fully comprehending Lin Li's meaning, the woman fell into silence for a good while.
Seeing this reaction, Lin Li knew that the matter was already half-successful.
"Are you certain it won't be posted?" Sure enough, the woman inquired.
"Certain." Lin Li incidentally added a little bit to the number on the phone. "Furthermore, I won't trouble you continuously. Under normal circumstances, just a few times will be enough for my data."
"Fine, for the sake of your scientific research, we can give it a try." The woman was persuaded. "But once the situation goes wrong, I will call it to a halt, okay?"
"No problem."
"Then follow me to the office to register some information first. Filling it on paper is useless; I have to modify it for you from the backend." The woman signaled for Lin Li to follow.
The office.
"Sis, this is my real ID card."
"Okay." The woman seriously recorded Lin Li's information to prevent any real trouble.
Subsequently, she returned the ID card and began tapping away on the computer, simultaneously looking toward Lin Li: "Then tell me right now, what kind of identity information do you want to forge for yourself?"
"Alright."
"What's the fake name?"
"Bai Bufan."
(End of Chapter)