By the time Lin Li and Bai Bufan emerged from the World of Dark Beasts, the girls had already drifted over to the neighboring stall.
"Wait, they're actually picking one out? Are we really buying this?"
The two walked up to them. Seeing that Ding Sihan had indeed asked the owner for a plastic display box and was seriously browsing, Lin Li questioned her in surprise. For boarding high school students, there really wasn't anything worth raising here.
"It's a present for my niece. I promised her before," Ding Sihan replied.
An aunt at such a young age, Ding Sihan really was getting on in years.
"A girl choosing a turtle over a goldfish as her top pick? As expected of your niece, she's got something going for her," Lin Li remarked.
Ding Sihan felt a distinct sensation that Lin Li was insulting her, but she still rolled her eyes and said, "With my niece's personality, there's no way she'd change the water regularly. It's better to raise a turtle. At least it'll take longer to die."
"Then couldn't you just regularly change the fish?" Lin Li shrugged.
Anyone who raised fish knew the famous 1-3-5-7 Rule: Feed them once a day, change the water every three days, scrub the tank every five days, and replace the whole batch of fish every seven days.
"That's because my financial capacity doesn't support that," Ding Sihan retorted with sheer disdain. "Alright, shut up. Don't interfere with my turtle picking."
"Hey, Lin Li." Bai Bufan lowered his voice, nudging Lin Li with his elbow.
"Hmm?"
"The scenery is making me a bit sentimental, and it suddenly brought a question to mind. Lin Li, look, when a couple agrees to use matching profile pictures, they're called 'couple PFP'. What do you call matching profile pictures that best friends agree to use?" Bai Bufan inquired.
No wonder he lowered his voice.
As for why looking at a turtle could make someone sentimental enough to think of such a question, Lin Li could only say that this was just how Bai Bufan was. It made total sense.
"You can't even solve a basic logic problem? How are you going to pass the civil service exam in the future? If that one is called a couple PFP, this one must obviously be called a gui head profile picture," Lin Li replied, also lowering his voice to speak from the bottom of his heart. After giving his answer, he threw a question right back: "Bufan, now it's my turn to ask you. When best friends use gui head profile pictures to play games together, what do you call the profile picture frames they choose to match them?"
Bai Bufan narrowed his eyes, his expression turning solemn and serious.
"Hiss, let me analyze this. A profile picture frame, right? A profile picture frame wraps around the outside of a gui head... Could it be!! Masaka!! Is it, a foreskin?!"
"Congratulations, you got it right!" Lin Li snapped his fingers, his eyes lighting up.
"Then it definitely needs a circumcision."
The two let out a synchronized, sleazy chuckle, earning a look of utter disgust and helplessness from the girls' group nearby. Although they had no idea what the two were whispering about, staying far away from them was definitely the right move.
"Holy shit, Lin Li, does that mean the little red notification dot on the profile picture is an STD? Fuck, I am never private messaging anyone who uses that kind of profile picture again. The more I think about it, the more terrifying it gets. No wonder everyone says there are too many dirty things on the internet. It's true!"
Bai Bufan was a quick learner, and he was even quicker at drawing inferences. His face suddenly went pale as he clutched his chest, thoroughly shaken.
The sleazy grin on Lin Li's face vanished instantly ☉_☉.
His voice immediately returned to its normal volume, and his tone became entirely flat. "Uh... Bufan, you don't need to worry about that. No one wants to private message you anyway, especially girls. If you actively reach out to them, you brought it upon yourself. As the old saying goes: if you do it, don't fear it; if you fear it, don't do it, though, of course, I was referring to cheating on an exam."
Bai Bufan: "... (；☉_☉)?"
Huh? Wait? Bro? We were having a perfectly good perverted conversation, why are you suddenly bringing up real-life emotional damage? Is it because you can't beat me in perversion that you resort to playing the reality card?
"Just you wait, Lin Li! I'm going to call a whole bread-van full of people to take care of you!" Bai Bufan roared in impotent fury.
See? Annoyed again.
Ding Sihan quickly picked out a relatively active little turtle. After checking with the stall owner about his closing time, she paid the money but handed the display box back to him, asking him to keep it for now. Carrying it around the whole time was inconvenient and unnecessary; since she had confirmed the stall closed very late, they could just pick it up on their way home.
"Have you thought of a name for this turtle yet?" Lin Li asked Ding Sihan as they walked outward.
Bai Bufan, who had previously discussed names for black dogs with Lin Li, looked over and carefully racked his brain. He couldn't recall ever watching an anime related to turtles. Did the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have any doujinshis? Forget it, humans shouldn't, and absolutely must not.
"What kind of nonsense are you about to spout now?" Ding Sihan seemed to sense that nothing good ever came out of Lin Li asking such things, so she questioned him with extreme vigilance.
"If you haven't named it yet, I suggest giving the turtle the surname Wang," Lin Li proposed. "That way, it'll seem very smart, because it'll know how to look for patterns. It'd be way smarter than Bai Bufan, a prime candidate for passing the civil service exam."
"..."
A prolonged silence ensued.
By the time the group finally caught on to the pun, looking for pattern sounding exactly like looking for a turtle to cuckold it. They only felt that this year's autumn had grown a bit colder. Their expressions became deeply complex.
"...What does that mean? I don't get the logic." Qu Wanqiu knitted her brows, failing to comprehend the underlying joke. She only remembered a turtle that had gone viral on the internet for only ramming into black objects, which people joked was leaked footage from an FBI internal training video.
"Looking for patterns isn't actually about patterns, it's a pun on looking for a turtle to get cuckolded. Because if its surname is Wang, it becomes the 'Next-Door Old Wang' among turtles," Chen Yuying explained to Qu Wanqiu with a smile.
Qu Wanqiu: "..."
"Class Monitor, explaining a joke completely ruins it. Look, even Qiuqiu can't smile anymore. This is all your fault." Lin Li expressed deep disappointment upon hearing this. This was supposed to be a joke that left people unable to suppress their laughter.
"How is anyone supposed to laugh at this in the first place?! Deduct money from him for using a homophonic pun!" Qu Wanqiu complained.
"Then do you guys know why turtles live so long?" Lin Li had always possessed an innate immunity to such complaints, and he immediately spoke up again.
However, the three girls tacitly refrained from answering, continuing to walk forward along the street.
Oh no, he was being ostracized.
"Bufan, do you know?" Lin Li could only turn his gaze toward Bai Bufan.
Bai Bufan nodded and said calmly, "Because of Turtle Jelly."
"Yeah."
"..."
"..."
The two of them remained silent for a full three seconds, and then…
"Hahaha…" The two began to laugh completely devoid of emotion, a display that was both exaggerated and entirely fake.
Hearing this laughter, the girls ahead didn't even turn their heads; they simply quickened their pace. Don't know them, don't know them, don't know them.
"Cut." Lin Li made a cutting gesture like an orchestra conductor. The two instantly wiped the grins off their faces, lowered their heads, and quickly caught up with the girls' group.
When the Jade Belt River came into view, the five of them had already wandered past the main street.
But this didn't mean they were running out of shops to browse. In fact, because the area outside the street was vast and faced fewer restrictions, the stalls here were even more numerous and diverse. If it were that easy to finish exploring, the five of them wouldn't have arrived here a little after ten in the morning; the current time was barely noon.
Things like miniature carousels for toddlers, bouncy castles, as well as night-market games like shooting galleries and goldfish-scooping stalls, things that simply had no place on the cramped main street, all made an appearance here. Consequently, it was even more crowded and bustling than the street had been. Occasionally, groups of medium-sized kids could be seen running around wildly, filling the air with cheerful laughter.
"When I was little, I used to think bouncy castles were absolutely massive. But looking at them now, it feels like you could traverse the whole thing in just a few steps," Qu Wanqiu lamented as they walked past a bouncy castle, the roar of the air blower and the crisp, shrill laughter of the children echoing in her ears.
"Yeah, I didn't even dare to play on them at first when I was a kid," Ding Sihan said with a smile. "I always thought that if someone came over and poked it with something sharp, the whole thing would explode, and I'd go flying into the air. I was terrified."
"When I was little, my mom wouldn't let me play on them either," Lin Li chimed in with his own lament. "I always thought that if I went over and poked it with something sharp, the whole thing would explode, and the unlucky bastards on top would go flying into the air. I was so looking forward to it. After I told my mom, she sent me flying with a beating first and issued a strict prohibition."
Ding Sihan: "..."
The kind of person she had been terrified of as a kid was exactly someone like Lin Li! No, a dog like him!
"It's truly a pity your mom didn't beat you a few more times," Ding Sihan grumbled.
Of course, in reality, bouncy castles weren't that fragile. The surface material possessed a certain degree of strength and wear resistance, making it rather difficult to puncture. Furthermore, the owners would perform a brief pat-down on every child entering, reminding them not to bring sharp objects. As for adults, these street-side bouncy castles flatly refused to let them in; they could only watch and wait from the sidelines.
Besides, the air blower was running continuously. In truth, the castle in front of them might already have a 'leak' somewhere, but the air coming in far exceeded what was going out, so it was entirely harmless. Moreover, even if a massive gash were somehow slashed into it, the interior was actually divided into several distinct air chambers, meaning only a small section would deflate rather than the entire structure collapsing instantly.
"Seeing this reminds me of my days as a juvenile delinquent too." Seeing the three of them waxing sentimental, Bai Bufan, who lacked any opinions of his own, followed the trend and expressed his feelings.
But the moment he uttered those words, the eyes of the other four instantly locked onto him.
"You? A juvenile delinquent?" Lin Li sneered. "What, with a Peppa Pig tattoo on your body, giving applause to the hoodlums?"
Wait!
Oh, holy shit!
As his train of thought derailed, Lin Li's expression shifted, turning into a look of profound disgust. He solemnly resolved that he would absolutely never allow his future descendants to become doctors!
It was just too terrifying.
It had nothing to do with Bai Bufan. It was just that Lin Li had suddenly realized that doctors a few decades from now would very likely have to face a bunch of old grandmas with tramp stamps and anime tattoos on their bodies. Damn, just thinking about it was completely unappealing.
"For real, Bai Bufan? You used to be a juvenile delinquent? I can't tell at all," Qu Wanqiu noted, completely devoid of mockery. She spoke out of pure curiosity, then shook her head with a slight laugh. "It sounds a bit ridiculous, but back in middle school, I actually did think juvenile delinquents were really cool."
"Bai Bufan, how did you even manage to be a delinquent? You're as skinny as a walking stick. I feel like if you got into a fight, the other delinquents would just pick you up and swing you around as a weapon," Ding Sihan added, her face full of astonishment.
Bai Bufan and Lin Li: "?"
Did she have to be this aggressive? Lin Li felt ashamed of his own weak attack just now. Fortunately, he was no longer a walking stick himself, or else he would have suffered collateral damage.
Assailed by everyone, the corner of Bai Bufan's mouth twitched slightly. He remained silent for a long time, tilting his face up at a forty-five-degree angle to stare at the sky, preventing his tears from falling. There seemed to be a profound story hidden in his eyes.
"I really was a delinquent back then."
"It is a memory I find unbearable to look back upon."
"I was only in the first year of middle school that year."
"I was less than 1.4 meters tall. The doctor said my diet was improper, and I was diagnosed with being... a malnourished youth…"
Lin Li, Ding Sihan, Qu Wanqiu, and Chen Yuying: "?"
Wait, no, hold on.
You motherfucker! Your definition of a "delinquent youth" (buliang shaonian) is a "malnourished youth" (yingyang buliang de shaonian)?!
Are you trying to be sharp?! Give us our money back!
"The reason I remembered this upon seeing the bouncy castle is because, theoretically speaking, I was already past the age allowed to play on it. But because I was malnourished, the owner couldn't tell my age at all and still let me in to play. Hearing you guys reminiscing just brought back memories," Bai Bufan's sorrowful voice continued.
If he had known better, he wouldn't have claimed to be a delinquent. He could have spared himself so many insults.
"I'm sorry, Bufan. I blamed you wrongfully." Lin Li patted Bai Bufan's shoulder, then pushed him right in front of Qu Wanqiu. "Qiuqiu, the delinquent you love the most is here. Do you like him? Hmm? Speak up."
Qu Wanqiu: "..."
His words were just too rapid-fire.
"I already said it was back in middle school. I've snapped out of it now," Qu Wanqiu lowered her head, stifling a laugh. Even if she hadn't snapped out of it, it would be very difficult to like this kind of "delinquent."
"But seriously, Bai Bufan, is that true? You were that short in the first year of middle school, yet you're this tall now?" This was where Ding Sihan's confusion lay.
Lin Li looked at Bai Bufan too, though he didn't care to investigate deeply. For internet trolls like them, fabricating a life story just like the legendary Zhihu user "Pirate-King Luffy" was entirely par for the course.
"That part is actually true. After my dietary habits were corrected later on, my height just started shooting up like crazy," Bai Bufan shrugged. "And I found it pretty absurd myself. You guys might not know, but when I graduated from the third year of middle school, I was only about 1.72 or 1.73 meters tall."
Bai Bufan stopped his explanation there, but everyone else present knew the rest, by the time the high school semester started, Bai Bufan was already 1.8 meters tall, making him one of the tallest boys in the class. Growing nearly ten centimeters in three months.
"Gaining only height and no weight, I'm so jealous," Ding Sihan sighed. "Why am I so disappointing? What kind of garbage constitution is this? I gain weight even from drinking water."
"Uh, Ding Sihan, whether you only drank water is something you know best in your own heart, heh," Lin Li chimed in out of nowhere. "It's fine to fool others with that kind of talk, but don't go fooling yourself too."
Ding Sihan's face, which had been mid-sigh, froze instantly.
In the very next second, her defense shattered as she fell into an impotent rage: "No! Lin Li! Are you insane?! What would happen to you if you just said one less sentence?!"
"I would have said one less sentence."
"Go to hell!"
Although she couldn't kick Lin Li today and leave a dirty footprint, hitting him a few times wouldn't be crossing the line. The two once again began to play a game of cat-and-mouse, circling around Chen Yuying like the King of Qin hiding behind a pillar.
By the time Ding Sihan gave up, Lin Li's hands happened to be resting on Chen Yuying's shoulders. Pressing down lightly, he asked out of curiosity, "Class Monitor, how come you aren't feeling sentimental at all? You don't have any laments."
"I can't help it. Because I never played on these when I was little, so I really don't have any nostalgia," Chen Yuying, who had been smiling the whole time, turned her head to explain upon hearing his question.
"So it turns out it's because you didn't have a childhood..." Lin Li's gaze became like the twilight filtered through a cathedral's stained glass, like the thin ice on the verge of melting in early spring, carrying a restrained pity that was exceedingly gentle.
He then strode toward the bouncy castle.
"The things one fails to obtain in youth will ultimately trap them for a lifetime. But the sooner you reclaim them, the less harm the entrapment causes. Class Monitor, wait right here. I'm going to use my money-ability to clear out the venue right now so you can play to your heart's content."
Chen Yuying: "?"
Lin Li's gaze had made her feel quite touched. But these words didn't sound like something a human being would say.
Who on earth wanted to play on that... If she immediately went up after the venue was cleared, how could that possibly count as playing to her heart's content? All the children and parents would be staring at her with resentment, wondering who this psycho was. Wouldn't she just lose every shred of her dignity?
"Come back here!" Therefore, Chen Yuying could only hurriedly grab the back hem of Lin Li's shirt, yanking him right back. "I just don't like playing on it." She scrambled to emphasize.
"Exactly. Lin Li, stop throwing a fit. If Ying-bao wanted a castle, why would she look for an inflatable one? Wouldn't it be better to just find a real castle?" Ding Sihan also chimed in with a smile from the side.
That seemed to be true.
Holy shit, it turned out your childhood and my childhood are not the same.
Alas, it was only after growing up that Lin Li realized in hindsight that those lyrics from the theme song of Home with Kids might have been sung for the audience in front of the screen. Liu Xing's family lived in a high-end residential area in Beijing. Back in the 2000s, their home was equipped with computers and cell phones, their daily meals were incredibly lavish, and their refrigerator was constantly stocked with high-end snacks of that era like Häagen-Dazs and Milo.
It really was different.
Speaking of high-end...
"Bufan, did you hear that? Do you feel an impulse to say 'what's even the point of living' and just jump into the river?" Lin Li inquired of Bai Bufan with a faint hint of existential dread.
Bai Bufan nodded in sorrowful cooperation.
"Then go ahead. Jump, and take my share with you. This is our hot-blooded, passionate bond." Lin Li was overjoyed upon hearing this, pushing Bai Bufan directly toward the riverbank. He had perfectly satisfied his contradictory desire to jump into a river without actually having to jump himself.
Bai Bufan: "?"
"Wait a minute! If I'm the only one jumping, then I'm not doing it! I refuse to be a lesser version of Qu Yuan!!" Bai Bufan regretted his compliance.
As for why Bai Bufan said that, according to unofficial historical records, after Qu Yuan leaped into the Miluo River, the second-to-last sentence he left to the mortal world was: "I happen to be drowning in the river~"
If one were to ask what the absolute last sentence was, it was: "Gurgle gurgle gurgle~~"
He was probably paying homage to Steam's greatest piece of trash game, The Lord of the Rings: Gollum.
In the end, Bai Bufan didn't jump.
The group bypassed the bouncy castle and continued browsing ahead. Ding Sihan's fruit tea was finished, so she diverted her steps toward the nearest trash can.
As they did, everyone noticed a little boy. At this moment, he was standing a short distance from the trash can, looking rather constrained, his gaze locked tightly onto a little girl next to the trash can who was currently drinking a carton of milk.
The reason the girl had walked over to the trash can to drink was precisely because she was almost finished. When her straw emitted an empty, slurping sound, she placed the milk carton on top of the trash can. The moment the little girl walked away, the constrained little boy immediately sprinted over, hurriedly snatched up the milk carton from the trash can, and shoved it toward his mouth.
The pupils of the five onlookers shrunk in shock.
They hadn't expected that in this day and age, there could still be such a pitiful child. It truly brought a sting of sorrow to their noses.
The things one fails to obtain in youth will ultimately trap them for a lifetime.
Saying those words to Chen Yuying had obviously been a joke, but right before their eyes, it was perhaps about to manifest as a real-life example.
Consequently, Lin Li hurriedly lowered his voice to ask the people around him, "Does anyone have cash on them? Lend me some, I'll transfer it back to you via WeChat in a bit?"
"I do."
As a boarding student, Bai Bufan still kept some cash on hand just in case, so he pulled a fifty-yuan bill out of his pocket and handed it to Lin Li.
Lin Li stepped forward, preparing to give this fifty yuan to the child. However, as Lin Li drew a few steps closer, he saw the little boy place the milk carton, which he had blown completely full of air, onto the ground in front of him, a grin playing on his lips.
Lin Li: "?"
Wait? Hold on!
You absolute idiot! What are you trying to do!
Run!!
In that instant, Lin Li channeled the spirit of a seasoned veteran. The moment he spotted this "hand grenade" dropped on the ground, he executed a rapid retreat.
Sure enough, the kid assumed a long-jump posture, leaped up on the spot, and came crashing down with immense force!
Bang!!!
The milk carton exploded, unleashing a massive noise that caused numerous passersby to look over in curiosity. Fortunately, Lin Li had retreated in the nick of time; the tiny amount of leftover milk inside the carton didn't manage to splatter onto his meticulously styled outfit today.
The little boy, thoroughly satisfied, skipped away merrily.
"..."
"..."
Lin Li returned to the side of the four who were desperately holding back their laughter. After a few breaths of silence, he finally spoke:
"Does anyone want to beat up a kid? Together?"
(End of Chapter)