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The prickly silver-haired beauty returned with a large shovel resting on her shoulder.
Not much time had passed since she’d run away. The sky had turned from bright blue to a more navy color, and I could see glimpses of twinkling stars.
She began digging out the earth around me. My body became visible, and I let out a stunned yelp.
“What the heck is going on...?”
I was...a staff.
When I looked down at myself, all I saw was a stick. I had turned into a staff.
No wonder I couldn’t move a single muscle in my body. I had found myself unable to turn my head not because I was buried, but because I literally couldn’t turn my head.
“Hah, I got crushed by a big metal stick and turned into a stick... When am I going to wake up from this nightmare?”
“What nonsense are you even spewing? Jeez, you’re in there deep...” the girl said; beads of sweat were forming on her brow as she swung the shovel.
Staff-Me seemed to be a meter tall in total, meaning she had to dig pretty far down to get me out. Dream or no, it cut deep that I had to stand here like a bundle of sticks while forcing a dainty young girl to do hard labor.
“Sorry. I’d help if I could, but I don’t think I can.”
“You’re a staff. What do you care?”
“I care that you’re saving my life by digging me out. I want to thank you somehow.”
“Thank me...?” she repeated, lifting an eyebrow. In the blink of an eye she had tilted her chin away from me. “I-It’s not like I’m doing this for your sake, okay? I just happened to find you, that’s all!”
“Ngh!”
Did you hear that? She just spoke sacred words right from the holy tsundere texts! That was trademark tsundere dishonesty. A childhood friend of mine said the exact same thing after coming to wake me up every morning.
“I-It’s not like I’m doing this for your sake, okay? I just have to do this since the teacher will get mad at us both if you’re late!”
Thinking back, that line of hers had totally fooled me. I’d ended up convinced she was a tsundere.
Incidentally, do all of you actually understand what “tsundere” means? It’s one who, due to shame or whatever else, can’t express their affection honestly and ends up acting in cold, prickly ways... That’s a tsundere.
In short, without affection you have no tsundere at all. You just have a harsh, prickly girl. It’s like a barren wasteland in which one will never stumble upon true love.
My childhood friend wasn’t a tsundere. She was just prickly as all hell. My love for tsunderes blinded me to her true nature, and discovering the truth shook my entire world to its core. This dream of mine was no doubt some kind of defense mechanism contrived to heal my damaged soul.
“So wait, this girl is the most perfect tsundere my mind could imagine? HELL YEAH! NOW I’M GETTING PUMPED!”
“Eek!” the girl yelped, before falling back on her rear. “Don’t shout like that! You startled me.”
She gave me a sharp glare... Which was exactly what I wanted. Now that was a tsundere.
“Good, good. That prideful expression, those sharp narrowed eyes... This is the kind of merciless prickliness that sends shudders of bliss down my spine.”
“Wh-What the... Why are you panting li—”
“What’s the appeal of a tsundere? In a word, the gap. The fact I can see up your skirt despite your haughty attitude—that kind of gap just speaks right to the heart!”
“Eek!”
The girl’s robe had gotten hitched when she fell. Beneath it she was wearing something like a school uniform, and the contents of her skirt were left bare before me.
Her legs were slender, but had an ideal amount of meat. Her thighs were pale and looked as smooth as they likely were soft. Even the triangular cloth farther within was—
“Unbelievable! Where are you looking?! You’re the worst!”
The girl jumped up and gripped the hem of her skirt, her cheeks red. Her expression was a stimulating mix of embarrassment and anger.
“I’m the one who can’t believe this. I never thought I’d get to see a tsundere girl’s panty shot.”
“Whaaa?! P-Pan... Did you really see my panties?!”
“The plain design, reflecting a youthful innocence...the purity of its whiteness, reflecting a truly innocent soul... It was like the embodiment of a tsundere girl’s pure heart!”
“AAAAH! Stop describing my panties in detail! Stop being a pervert in general, actually!”
The girl’s shoulders heaved as she gulped air.
“Wait. No way. Goddess, I thank you for your gift of a spirit. However, a perverted spirit like this is more of a curse than anything!”
“I would like to thank the gods as well. Only a miracle could have led me to meeting the perfect tsundere.”
“You keep calling me this ‘tsundere’ thing, but I have a name, you know. It’s Stella Millesia. I won’t let you off easy if you keep calling me some weird nickname.”
“Stella, huh? I’m glad to have met you, Stella.”
“And I wish I had never met you at all,” Stella said with a sharp jerk of her chin to the side. That was a classic tsundere move. I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Why are you laughing...?”
“Your answer was just so ideal I couldn’t help but be moved.”
“Moved? Are you listening to me? I didn’t say a single thing that should make you happy.”
“But I’ve been on cloud nine this whole time.”
“We just don’t seem to be on the same page. Let me be clear—I am expressing that meeting a perverted, boorish, shameless guy like you has filled me with pure, unfiltered disgust!”
“Hm, gotta admit, I didn’t expect a bashing that hard...”
“Ah,” Stella inhaled. Her expression indicated she had noticed the severity of her comments. She wiggled her hands back and forth awkwardly. “I-I mean, anyone would react this way if someone started talking about their pa—”
“Superb! Now I know for sure: You, Stella, are my ideal tsundere!”
Silence fell.
Stella’s arms froze in the air.
“Wha...?”
“Go ahead. Call me a gross otaku, a pervert, or anything else you like. The important thing is what comes next. If you would blush in secret when I’m not around, or start muttering ‘That idiot!’ to yourself, then I have no complaints. A tsundere is most beautiful when hiding her embarrassment, and—”
“Hold it, hold it, hold it! What are you ranting about now?! I don’t understand half of what you’re saying!”
“Basically, you insulting me is a reward of the highest order.”
“Wha, wha... WHAT EVEN ARE YOOOU?!” Stella shouted so loudly she almost fell over again. Her cry echoed throughout the trees.
“That’s an easy question. I’m an otaku. We love tsunderes more than our three meals a day, and our life work is venerating tsunderes.”
“Otaku...? That’s a weird name. You look at panties, love getting yelled at... You’re a pervert for sure!”
“A classic, delicious insult! You sure know how to make me happy, Stella. Are you a genius?”
“I’m not doing it on purpose! Jeez, Otaku, it’s like we’re talking two different languages! Bweeeh, why did this insane person have to be my staff...” Stella cried and resumed swinging her shovel with tears in her eyes. The earth around me vanished bit by bit.
It seemed she was willing to dig me out despite all the insults. That was no surprise. Tsunderes seemed cold on the outside, but were always kind on the inside.
“Let me thank you again, Stella. Thanks for rescuing me.”
“Like I said, I don’t have a choice! You must be an idiot if you think I’m doing this for you.”
“Aaah, such a prickly line... It’s perfect! Give me another one!”
“ARRRGH! I forgot you’re a pervert! How is one supposed to insult a pervert?!”
“Hmm... Yep, you’re just as cute when you’re stressed out. Every face you make is just so adorable.”
“Listen up, you. I’m not the type to be won over by empty praise, so—”
“Do you think it’s empty? I mean every word I say. You’re the cutest girl in the world, Stella!”
“Sh-Shut up! Compliments from you mean less to me than this dirt.”
“Your cheeks are red, Stella. Your grip is weakening too. It’s so obvious it’s getting to you.”
“N-N-No it’s not! This is just me getting tired. Your words mean nothing to me, Otaku!”
“That so? Then let me continue,” I said, giving a short cough. Then, I shouted in a voice loud enough to echo through the forest, “STELLA! I LOVE YOOOU!”
She froze as if time had stopped. I slammed her with all my honest feelings even as her shovel remained stuck in the ground. “YOU’RE THE PERFECT GIRL I’VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF! LET ME SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU!”
I heard a popping sound.
Stella was, at this point, completely bright red. Her mouth flapped open and closed, while her hands tightened around my neck (or where it would be if I had one).
“You...!”
She pulled me out of the ground. I didn’t have any time to rejoice being free before she started to swing her arms around with me in hand. Oh crap, my head is spinning.