He was right. If Kreis was to be by Siegfried’s side, he had to be the kind of person who could survive. The tragedy had happened precisely because he couldn’t be.
Kreis had been too kind. That was why he’d never struck back, no matter how cruelly he’d been treated. He endured it all over and over again until he was murdered.
But I could not forgive those who trampled on his kindness and who swore to destroy this world for making someone like Kreis wish for revenge. That was the kind of life I had chosen to live.
“You’ll accept me even now?” Even though I wasn’t the kindhearted Kreis von Louboutin who tried to love his family, no matter how much they mistreated him?
“You’re just the same as you always have been.” Siegfried patted my back gently as he held me. His words were so kind they only deepened my despair.
They weren’t the words I wanted to hear. I knew he was only saying it because he didn’t know the truth. He didn’t know I wasn’t really Kreis. But I had gotten my hopes up, just a little, and been disappointed.
But then Siegfried said, “You think you’ve completely changed, don’t you? But some things don’t change so easily.”
“Like what?”
“You’re still stubborn, a sore loser, terrible at asking for help...”
“Those are just insults.”
“And you’re hopelessly cute when you’re absorbed in something you love. When you get annoyed or upset, it’s just your way of showing you care.”
“Now you’re calling me cute?”
“No matter how hard things are for you, you never put yourself first. If someone’s in trouble, you’ll help them, whether you admit it or not. And you see people for who they really are, not what status they hold. That’s why people like Theodore and the children are drawn to you.”
“Okay, okay. Enough already.”
I wasn’t even sure if all that was meant as praise, but the fact that it applied to who I was now made my heart a little warm. At least it wasn’t the past Kreis he was blindly seeing.
Then he smiled and said, “See? You might think you’ve changed, but you really haven’t. You’re still the person I fell in love with.”
“Love...?” My heart skipped a beat, hard. And even though I told myself not to, I waited for his next words.
Siegfried loves me?
“Having you here in my arms right now is the greatest happiness I could ask for. And the fact you haven’t run away, maybe I’m allowed to be a little conceited and think that means you love me too?”
He really had no idea... I did love him. Enough to throw everything away. Enough that I couldn’t live in a world without him.
If I’d been the real Kreis, I wouldn’t have hesitated to say so. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t him. Even with all his memories and all his feelings, it didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t the one Siegfried cherished.
And because I loved him, I couldn’t respond to his feelings while still pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I was full of lies and deception. What right did I have to be anything to him?
“Does it bother you that I love you?”
“That’s a really unfair question,” I said.
“I just want to stay by your side.” His arms tightened around me... Then his lips brushed against mine.
I gasped.
It was my first kiss.
I’d never kissed anyone, not even in my previous life. I’d never even fallen in love.
I’d never understood what it meant to love someone. I’d never known how to value someone else, because no one had ever thought I was important. My life was based purely on survival, so I’d never thought about sharing my emotions with another person.
I used to wonder what was so meaningful about something like touching lips.
And now here I was, shaking with emotion I’d never felt before. It made me happy to be held. A simple kiss made me want to cry with joy. These feelings were all so new to me...but I still wasn’t the rightful recipient.
“Stop, Siegfried...”
I love you. I’d die for you. That’s why I can’t accept your feelings.
“What I feel for you...is admiration, not love. We’re both men... And you’re engaged, remember? So please, stop saying such foolish things.”
Had I said it convincingly enough? Had my voice trembled? I prayed nothing in my tone had betrayed me.
I felt his arms tightening around me again. It was painful. It hurt worse than stabbing myself in the chest.
“I understand...”
Even though I was the cause of it, hearing him say that nearly crushed me.
I wanted to scream that I was lying. That I loved him and wanted to be loved by him. But instead, I swallowed it down and tried to pull away. But he didn’t let me go.
“Siegfried, stop playing around.”
“When I said I understood, I meant I understand that your feelings for me are admiration.”
“Then let me go.”
“I won’t force you to be mine. I’ll respect your feelings.”
Those words made my whole body go limp. It was sad, but it was the right thing to do. The Kreis that Siegfried had cared for only admired him. Twisting it into something else would be wrong.
“But still...” He shifted slightly and leaned in to look me in the eyes. “That doesn’t mean I’m giving up.”
“What?”
“You may think it’s just an excuse, but my engagement was always to buy time. I have no intention of making Risthea queen, and she knows that. She also knows that I love you.”
What?!
“It doesn’t matter that we’re both men. Not when it comes to love. And if you were to accept me, I’d be ready to announce it to the whole world. So I’m not going to stop until your admiration turns to love for me, Kreis.”
He smiled and gently kissed me on the forehead.
“Is this acceptable as a sign of affection?” he asked.
“O-Of course it’s not!” I clamped a hand over my forehead. My cheeks were burning, but Siegfried didn’t even flinch.
“Then let me swear my loyalty to you here and now.”
He took my hand and kissed the ring I wore...the one he had given me.
“You don’t need to worry, Kreis. I have plenty of patience. Take your time falling for me.”
I’d always known that Siegfried had nerves of steel and that nothing could shake him. But I never expected that would apply here too.
And yet, a part of me felt relieved that he wouldn’t give up.
I really was a deceitful man.
I watched the crow created from Siegfried’s magic fly off through the open window, then gave a deep sigh.
“It’s finally time...”
Tomorrow I’d have to go back to the castle. My relationship with Siegfried had only changed subtly, but it was still enough to make me wonder what would happen.
Nevertheless, the message came just like last time—a summons to the castle to sign the documents for the orphanage. If Siegfried hadn’t sent word through his crow, I would’ve had to reach out to him, because that would be the day Gilles and Claude would go to the castle and claim a fake divine revelation from a fallen angel.
Not going wasn’t an option. Plus, it was my best opportunity to corner them. But after that, the fallen angel would come to kill me. I’d thought about it over and over again but still hadn’t come up with a definitive way out. Still, I couldn’t stay home.
“The time draws near. But I don’t have enough divine energy right now. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to protect you.”
I wanted some time alone to talk with Professor, so I’d sent Theodore off on an errand to keep him away from the study. Thanks to that, we could talk freely without worrying about anyone overhearing us.
“Listen, Professor. Just stay out of sight for a while.”
“What?! If I do that, you’ll just get killed again!”
“The fallen angel won’t come for me until after I condemn Gilles and the others. Until then, I want them to think I’m vulnerable. There’s no need to give the enemy extra time to plan, right?”
Professor had learned of the fallen angel’s existence through the memories from my death and return, but the fallen angel didn’t know yet that there was a god inside my divine beast—and apparently a god was something special to a fallen angel. That could be a good thing or a very, very bad thing. Still, the more cards we could play to confuse the enemy, the better.
“So I’m your ultimate wild card, huh?”
“I never said you were that useful,” I joked.
“How rude!”
I had a lot of things to do tomorrow, so I wanted to settle everything before the end of the day.
“Nothing good ever comes from being rash, you know. You could always come hide out with me in the forest until I’ve recharged my divine energy.”
“And how long would that take?”
“Hmm, about a month, maybe?”
“Well, that’s not an option. And even if you do recharge, you’ll just run dry again eventually unless we deal with the fallen angel,” I said.
“Yeah, that’s true.”
I ignored Professor’s pouty silence and turned to shut the window I’d left open for the crow. But just as I reached for it, the same crow swooped back inside, brushed past me, and landed on the back of the sofa.
I tipped my head in confusion. “Why did you come back?”
A moment later, I heard Siegfried’s voice coming from the crow. “I forgot to tell you something.”
“What’s that?”
I thought back to our previous conversation. There were no glaring omissions. I tensed up, wondering if something had changed, but then Siegfried spoke again through the crow.