We were blessed with good weather on the day of the Children’s Fireworks event, and the staff from the fireworks manufacturer had spent the whole day setting up on campus. At three PM, I visited Fuyutsuki’s room in the hospital and helped her into a wheelchair. Fuyutsuki’s mom was there, too. She smiled and told me how much she’d been looking forward to the event. “I hope everything goes well today, Sorano,” she said. “I hope so, too,” I told her. “I even managed to borrow a wheelchair.” Fuyutsuki’s mom had rented a wheelchair from the hospital especially for today. There were only so many wheelchairs available, so apparently it was pretty hard to borrow one. “Will you take Koharu up to the garden?” she asked. “Mom!” “Why not? Think of it as a date.” “That’s not what this is,” Fuyutsuki insisted, sitting in the wheelchair. “You don’t have to be that dismissive of the idea,” I said with a laugh. “Would you mind pushing me?” she asked quietly, sounding embarrassed. “Of course.” Once I got the wheelchair moving, it glided down the corridors with ease. It was easier to push than I’d expected, but when I noticed how light it felt, I couldn’t help but feel shaken up. I could feel with my own hands how Fuyutsuki was physically wasting away, and I felt a pang of agony, as if someone had stabbed me through the heart. What if Fuyutsuki sensed my pain and was saddened by it? After all the hard work she’d put in to make it to today, I couldn’t help but worry about that. I put on a brave face and wheeled Fuyutsuki to the rooftop garden. The sky stretched out above us. I could hear the buzzing of cicadas and the rustling of leaves. I felt at peace. “Wanna go over to the vending machine?” I asked. “I’d love a milk tea. But…” “If you can’t finish it, I’ll drink the rest.” “You shouldn’t spoil me too much.” “How am I spoiling you?” “Never mind,” Fuyutsuki replied, looking down at the ground. I bought an iced milk tea with a generous helping of sugar and handed it to her. Just like before, she held the cup with both hands and drank it slowly. You’d almost be forgiven for thinking it was hot. “You seem pretty cheerful today,” I said. “That’s because I tried my hardest. I managed to hold out until today.” She made it sound as though her life force was going to fizzle out that very next day. My palms grew sweaty. “Today isn’t the finish line, you know.” “Huh? I thought we decided my goal was to see the fireworks.” “That was just an interim goal.” “That’s so unfair.” “You’re going to get better at that other hospital, aren’t you?” “My hand…,” she said. Fuyutsuki extended her hand toward me. “Will you hold it for me?” Her outstretched hand was trembling. Taking it in mine, it felt as cold as ice. “Ahhh, it’s so warm,” she said. “You shouldn’t talk about a person’s hand as if it’s a hot drink,” I joked. “Ah-ha-ha. A hot drink… Don’t make me laugh. It hurts.” “Sorry,” I said, laughing. “You know what? I really am grateful to you, Sorano. Now I feel like I can’t let this illness defeat me.” When she told me that, I couldn’t help but wish her illness would just disappear. I wished it would just leave her body, as if it had never been there at all. I longed for a future where Fuyutsuki’s efforts would be rewarded in some way. The two of us sat there in silence for a little while. Suddenly, Fuyutsuki spoke up. “If…” “Hmm?” “No, never mind.” “What is it?” “Seriously, it’s fine.” Shortly after, I took Fuyutsuki back to her room. “I’ll come back to get you in the evening,” I told her before returning to campus. As I walked, I found myself thinking of Fuyutsuki’s drawing. I wondered what kind of firework she’d designed. When I got back to campus, I saw the college president talking to Hayase, asking her how things were going. The Children’s Fireworks event had become a highly anticipated occasion, in part thanks to the flyers that had been distributed in the nearby shopping district. That popularity had also drawn the interest of the university, with the president saying that if it was a success, they’d want to make it an annual tradition. Narumi twisted the cap off a water bottle. He’d been keeping an eye on the fireworks preparations. “How’s Fuyutsuki?” he asked, noisily gulping down his drink. “She seemed well.” “Did she get permission to leave today?” “Her mom’s talking it over with her doctor. As long as Fuyutsuki’s condition doesn’t take a turn for the worse, she should be fine.” “That’s great,” Narumi said, taking another gulp of water. The dry late-September wind slipped up the sleeves of my T-shirt. It felt cool against my skin, but the sun was still strong. I bought some sparkling water from the vending machine, and it made a fizzing sound when I twisted the cap. “How many of the kids are attending?” I asked. “About half of ’em got permission to leave the hospital.” Narumi was responsible for explaining things to the children’s parents and guiding them all to the venue. The fireworks were scheduled to start at six PM, just after the sun had set. “I feel bad for all the children who won’t be able to see them,” I said to Narumi. “We’ve got a plan for those kids, too.” “I really hope this goes well.” “I hope seeing the fireworks jogs Fuyutsuki’s memory.” “Well…I don’t care about that,” I told him. Narumi looked taken aback. “It’s about time we went to pick her up,” I announced, and with that, we started making our way to the hospital. At the hospital, I went over the plan with the parents and children who were heading to campus that evening. I gave them a hand-drawn map, pointing out where to get out of the taxi for the shortest walk, and told them where there were places to sit. After finishing my explanation, I said good-bye to Narumi and headed to Fuyutsuki’s room. I hurried through the hospital, unable to contain my excitement. Fuyutsuki’s wish was going to come true. That was the one thought on my mind as I walked down the seventh-floor corridor in the hospital’s west wing. The door to Fuyutsuki’s room was open. A sense of dread washed over me. I could hear several pairs of footsteps clattering against the floor. I had a bad feeling that something had happened. “Ms. Fuyutsuki! Are you okay? Are you conscious? I’m going to activate the suction now!” The doctor’s voice sounded urgent. Before I knew it, I was running toward the hospital room. “Fuyutsuki!” I yelled from the doorway. Fuyutsuki’s mother had her hands clasped against her mouth, staring at her daughter. “Hey, you! Move! Don’t come in!” a nurse shouted at me. She yelled at me again in the same harsh tone. I remained rooted to the spot, so she pushed me by my shoulder, sending me staggering over to the far side of the corridor. Deep down, I’d hoped that if anything ever happened, one of the nurses who’d seen me visit so frequently would ask me to talk to Fuyutsuki to try to get through to her. In this situation, though, I was nothing but a hindrance. Everyone was busy doing their jobs, frantic expressions across their faces. Fear seemed to have nailed my feet to the floor. I couldn’t move. My knees shook, and my mind went blank, causing me to collapse backward. “This can’t be happening,” I muttered, unable to discern what was real and what wasn’t. The reality of the situation playing out in front of me was too much to process. When I took my phone out of my pocket, I could see my hands trembling. I needed to let Narumi know as soon as possible that Fuyutsuki was in trouble and get in touch with Hayase. The more I thought about it, the more panicked I became. Before I realized it, I’d dialed the number for an ambulance. I hung up before the first ring. It must have been around five PM when Fuyutsuki’s mother came out of the room. She gave the doctors and nurses a deep bow as they left. “Is Fuyutsuki okay?” I asked her. “I’m sorry for making you worry, Sorano. She just coughed up some blood, and it got stuck in her airway, making it hard for her to breathe. She’s fine now.” Could you really say someone was fine after they’d coughed up blood? “Could I ask you to do me a favor?” she asked. “Sure.” “I’m just…”—the words seemed to catch in her throat—“…tired.” There were tears in her eyes, and her face was as white as a sheet. She must have been through this kind of an ordeal numerous times already. Did she look like this every time? My heart ached for her. I clutched the chest section of my T-shirt in my fist, trying to withstand the pain. “Will you stay by her side for me?” “Of course. Make sure you get some rest.” I stepped into Fuyutsuki’s room, as if I were subbing in for her mother. I sat on the chair by the window and watched her sleeping soundly. As I gazed at her sleeping face, the worry that she’d stopped breathing gnawed at me. It was only when I saw her chest rising and falling that I relaxed. She was alive. That was enough to make me feel relieved. Loving her had come with its challenges, I had to admit. I’d come close to giving up countless times, but I’d held on nonetheless. Fuyutsuki’s smile had drawn me to her, and I was desperate to see it again. When I updated Narumi about the situation via LINE, he said, That’s good to hear. His next message began with the words If Fuyutsuki wakes up… It was the end of September, so the sun had set at around five thirty. I didn’t turn on the lights inside her pitch-black room but instead opened the curtains and cracked the window open slightly. The city lights of Tokyo seeped in, piercing through the darkness. “Sorano?” That was the first thing Fuyutsuki said after opening her eyes. “Yeah?” “I sensed it was you.” “So you can sense me when I disappear now?” “Yes. We’ve spent a lot of time together, after all.” Fuyutsuki laughed, her voice raspy. “What time is it?” she asked. “Five fifteen.” “We’re going to miss the fireworks.” “You’re not allowed to go out today.” Fuyutsuki had a playful look in her eyes, as if to say Oopsie, but tears began to well up in them. “But I tried so hard.” Teardrops trickled down her face, getting her pillow wet. Fuyutsuki covered her eyes with her arms, trying to stop the tears from flowing. I went over to the side of the bed and gently stroked her head as she cried. “It’s okay.” “What do you mean?” Fuyutsuki asked, brushing my hand away. “It’s already too late.” A whisper escaped her lips. “I tried so hard. I was so desperate to survive.” She’d clung on to life, even when she’d been so close to giving up. I wanted to offer her a glimmer of hope, even if it was only something small. Her voice had sounded as if it was filled with tears, and I stroked her head again. “It’s okay. We’ll make it,” I told her. “What do you mean?” I pulled out my phone and asked her to wait a moment. “This might not be very impressive, but…” I pressed the call button. After a few rings, I heard Hayase’s voice. “Are you okay, Koharu?” “What’s going on?” asked Fuyutsuki, sounding bewildered. It must have surprised her to suddenly hear Hayase’s voice. “It’s a video call. Let’s watch the fireworks from here today.” “I’m here, too!” said Narumi. He wasn’t outdoors, though, but standing in front of pastel-colored wallpaper. “I’m showin’ the fireworks on a big screen in the Kids’ Room, so all the children who can’t go out can still watch ’em.” “Hang in there, piano lady!” shouted one of the kids. “Whoa, that’s pretty high-tech.” Fuyutsuki groped around, feeling for the hand I was holding my phone with, and I took her hand and placed it on top of mine. It might have been on a phone screen, but for the first time in a long while, the four of us—me and Fuyutsuki, Hayase and Narumi—were all together again. I was overcome with joy as I looked at our four faces. “It’s about to start!” Hayase switched from the front camera facing her to the one on the back of her phone. “Three, two, one…” I could hear a countdown. Then there was a whooshing sound, and a streak of light shot up into the sky. That next moment—bang. A yellow firework burst open. The fireworks sparkled on my phone screen inside Fuyutsuki’s dimly lit room. Bang, bang, bang. We could hear the fireworks through my phone speakers. About five seconds later, I heard something explode outside Fuyutsuki’s window. “Sorano.” “Yeah?” “Tell me what you see.” “Okay.” Fuyutsuki squeezed my hand. “Just now, a yellow firework was shot up into the sky. It burst in a perfect circle, then all traces of it faded away.” “I see.” “Wait, how do I explain this one? Some of the light from the firework was left behind after it exploded, and it sort of looks like a weeping cherry tree.” “Is it pretty?” “Really pretty.” I described each firework to Fuyutsuki, one by one. I told her which fireworks were being set off and how they burst and disappeared. “I’m so happy.” Fuyutsuki bumped her head against mine. When I glanced at her from the side, I could see tears flowing down her face. “I’m so happy that I got to watch these fireworks with everyone else.” My phone screen glowed yellow, and a noise reverberated through the speakers. A roaring string of short, sharp bursts echoed outside the window. Then I heard Hayase speak. “Now it’s time for the Children’s Fireworks, created from the kids’ pictures. These are called shaped fireworks; the gunpowder is arranged in the shape of a picture, which creates the same image in the night sky. I hope you’ll enjoy these fireworks, which symbolize the children’s dreams.” The fireworks designed by the kids were coming up next. “First up is Hiroto, who says he loves seeing his mom smile.” A firework in the shape of a smiley face lit up the sky. The next one was a flower in bloom, which—according to Hayase’s announcement—was designed by a kid who wanted to become a florist when they recovered from their illness. Hayase introduced the children one by one as their fireworks were set off. I could hear the children crying out with joy through my phone. “It sounds like they’re having fun,” Fuyutsuki murmured happily. Seeing her like that, I asked her a question. “Why do you like fireworks?” The first thing she said was “I guess I admire them,” but she soon elaborated. “I think fireworks leave a mark on your heart. Once, when I was feeling down and unwell as a kid, my parents took me to see the fireworks. There was this big one that went off, and when I looked behind me, everyone was gazing up at it, and I don’t know why, but it gave me the determination to keep going. Even now, when I’m feeling down, those memories of looking up at the sky keep me going.” Fuyutsuki was watching the fireworks. She was watching the ones that had endured in her memory. Seeing the fireworks she’d gazed up at in the past. Replaying her memories of looking up at the sky. Her eyes did not work any longer, but there was no doubt about it—she could see them. Watching Fuyutsuki’s face light up with joy made my heart flood with a myriad of emotions. My chest tightened. I felt happy. My eyes started to burn with tears. I didn’t know what to call this feeling I was experiencing. I just wanted Fuyutsuki, who’d been battling her own hidden anxieties, to look up at the sky once again. As she listened to the kids’ fireworks explode, Fuyutsuki said something. “I want to live in a way that leaves a mark on somebody’s heart, too.” She knew life was short. Perhaps that was why the fleeting light of the fireworks inspired such admiration in her. “You’ve left your mark on mine,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. “Reeeally?” Fuyutsuki asked with a playful smile. She must have noticed the tone in my voice. The next moment, I heard Narumi’s voice coming through the speaker. “You made your mark on me, too.” “Wait, Narumi, you were listening?” “I was, too!” chimed in Hayase. “Are you having fun, Koharu?” “I’m having so much fun!” Fuyutsuki replied. “Okay, this next firework is by Koharu,” Hayase announced, beginning her narration. “Wait, what? Does this mean I’m going to watch my firework next to you, Sorano?” “Koharu has suffered from illness over and over again, so to express her gratitude to those who have supported her—” “Oh no, this is embarrassing. Look away, Sorano,” Fuyutsuki demanded, but it was futile. With a soft boom, her firework stretched out across the night sky. It was in the shape of a huge heart. “It’s a love heart.” “I know! I drew it myself! Please don’t say it out loud.” “Why are you embarrassed of your own drawing?” I retorted. “Shut up,” she said, smacking me softly with her hand. “And now, this last firework is by Kakeru Sorano,” Hayase announced. Oh, right… I remembered Hayase had asked me to draw a firework, too. “You drew one as well?” Fuyutsuki asked. A white streak soared up into the night. For a moment, it looked like it had vanished—but then it exploded with a boom, lighting up the sky. “What shape did you draw?” Fuyutsuki turned to me, smiling mischievously. Her face was right next to mine. She looked thinner than before, but her smile never failed to make my heart skip a beat. My firework, which shone brilliantly in the night sky, was shaped like her. “Fuyutsuki…” “What is it?” “I’ve never said this to you directly, but…” My mouth was moving on its own. Words I’d hidden and suppressed burst forth from my lips like fireworks. “I love you. Can I stay by your side forever?” The day I kissed Kakeru, I’d ended up fainting at home from anemia. I jokingly thought I might have been lovesick, but when my mom—who was a natural worrier—took me to get a late-night examination, they found a dark shadow on my X-ray. The next day, the doctor carried out a more detailed examination, and I was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic cancer. I was told then and there that I needed to be hospitalized. I went home to pack my things, and it was there that my worries hit me. Naturally, it wasn’t so much what was going to happen to my body that troubled me, but what was going to happen with Kakeru. What would happen if I confessed my feelings to him…? What if, by some chance, he reciprocated my feelings? It would all probably just be a waste of his time. And if I died, it could traumatize him. At that point, however, I still had the opportunity to back out. He’d be able to find someone else. I wept and wept as those thoughts raced through my mind. I cried because I loved him—and because I had to put that love behind me. Then something surprising happened. I received a LINE message from Yuuko. She’d sent me a video, and I double-tapped the screen to play it. “Attention, everyone!” It was Kakeru’s voice. “I have an important announcement to make!” Was he planning on doing something amusing? The timing couldn’t be worse, I thought to myself. “I, Kakeryu Sorano—” Ah, he’d messed up his own name. I giggled. Okay, I’m keeping this video forever. It’d remain a keepsake—a celebration of my first love and heartbreak. Thinking about that made me start to cry again. Ugh, this hurts. It really hurts. But then, with those thoughts were spinning around my mind, I heard it. “I, Kakeru Sorano, like Koharu Fuyutsukiiiii! I want to go out with herrrrr!” The timing genuinely couldn’t have been worse. Kakeru had just said he liked me. It made me happy. It really did. There was no way it wouldn’t have. But at the same time, I told myself I couldn’t feel that way. I couldn’t let this go any further. If I did, I’d end up hurting Kakeru. So I made up my mind. I decided to quietly disappear from everybody’s lives. If I were to see Kakeru again, I’d pretend not to know him. I’d keep going until he gave up on me. Until he forgot about me. “I’m sure it’ll be hard for him…,” I muttered to myself. It was at that point that I realized tears were streaming down my face. For the first time in my life, I truly reviled my fate. Not only was my life being stolen—so were these feelings that mattered so much to me. It was miserable, frustrating, agonizing. The more I thought about having to forget Kakeru, the more of a mess I became. I cried my eyes out. I didn’t know what to do, and I was understandably worried about my health. The harder I thought about it all, the more pain it caused me. I was in so much agony that I was at a complete loss. Eventually, it all got too much for me, and I screamed and hurled my phone across the room. “Why won’t you just give up on me?!” Fuyutsuki had her arms pressed against her eyes, tears streaming down her face. “I—” Sobbing, her words came out in short bursts. “—don’t have much time left.” She bawled uncontrollably. “I’m going to die anyway.” It was such a cruel thing to say. Fuyutsuki was scared. Her physical condition made it impossible to even imagine that she might live to see the next day. That was what made moving forward so unbearably scary to her. It was like she was running through the darkness of night with her eyes shut. She couldn’t bring herself to drag anyone else into her suffering, so she’d chosen to go at it alone. What could I do to help her in that situation? I loved her so much. “Fuyutsuki, can you see me?” I took her hand and placed it on my cheek. I moved my face close enough to hers to kiss her, and we looked into each other’s eyes. She couldn’t see my face, of course, but she could still touch it and feel out my expression. The unexpected move I’d made initially left her taken aback—but gradually, she started to become annoyed instead. “What are you smiling about?!” she shouted. I’d been giving her the biggest smile I could muster. “Because.” “Because what? None of this is a joke to me!” “Because…,” I said again. “They say smiles scare cancer away, right?” “Huh?” Fuyutsuki’s eyes widened in surprise. “It’s pretty hard to smile when nobody else is smiling, isn’t it?” I said. Fuyutsuki still looked stunned. “Why don’t you joke around with me? Maybe you need someone you can do that with.” Tears were still pouring from Fuyutsuki’s eyes, but I couldn’t tell whether she was laughing or crying anymore. “As if!” she exclaimed. “Kakeru… You big dummy.” It had been so long since she’d last called me Kakeru. I took it as a sign that Fuyutsuki had finally given in. I didn’t know why, but my heart felt full, and my vision began to blur with tears. One by one, they began to fall. “I knew it…” “What?” “Sometimes, Fuyutsuki, I saw you smirking… And the other day, you said that bookmark was your bookmark. A long time ago, you told me you made it after you started college.” “Did I?” “You did. I remember everything you’ve ever said.” She punched me lightly on the shoulder. Well, technically, she swung her fist down and my shoulder just happened to be there. I reacted with an “Ow,” and Fuyutsuki started throwing a tantrum. “Dummy, dummy, dummy.” It was adorable. “Do you know how it felt—” She kept thumping me. “—for me to hold it in?” Large tears fell from her eyes onto the floor. My response was simple. “Thank you.” “You dummy! What are you thanking me for?” She’d ended up hitting me pretty hard. “I mean, it was for my own good, right?” Fuyutsuki stayed silent. She stayed silent for a brief moment, but before long, she started thumping me and calling me a dummy again. “Kakeru?” “Yeah?” “Thanks for confessing your feelings to me twice.” “No problem,” I said with a nod. “Sorry,” Fuyutsuki replied. “For lying?” “Well, for that as well.” “Then what else are you sorry for?” “For being so sick.” “That’s okay. You’re going to get better, right?” I said, stroking her hair. “My chances of survival are incredibly low.” I wasn’t going to give up on her, though. “You’ll be fine,” I told her. “You’ll get through this.” Tears had begun to fall from Fuyutsuki’s eyes once again. “I’ll try my best,” she said, nodding. “I believe in you.” “I’ll try my hardest, so don’t lose faith in me.” Her face was screwed up from crying and stained with tears, but she kept nodding and repeating “I’ll try my best.” “Maybe I’ll come to Hokkaido with you,” I said. “No way. Stay in college.” “I’ll visit you during our longer breaks.” “That’ll be expensive.” “I’ll get a part-time job.” After that lighthearted squabble, we held hands, and we shared the feelings we’d been keeping inside for so long, talking and laughing together.
Chapter 9
22 min read