“How do I look? Does it suit me?” Fuyutsuki spread out her yukata, smiling at me. It was the middle of October, and it had been decided that Fuyutsuki would go to the hospital in Hokkaido once she was strong enough to do so. The day before her transfer, I got permission to take Fuyutsuki out. We were going to campus to launch the fireworks we’d bought that day in Asakusabashi. When I went to pick Fuyutsuki up from her hospital room, she’d already changed into her yukata. Her mom must have helped her put it on. “It looks good, right?” her mom said to me with a smile. The white fabric of her yukata had what looked like a subtle fireworks pattern on it, and it was tied up with a spider lily–patterned obi. With the nape of her neck exposed, she looked like a quintessential Japanese beauty. Modern clothes like dresses and blouses looked great on her, but it turned out that traditional Japanese dress suited her perfectly as well. She blushed, looking anxious. After all, she couldn’t see my reaction. “Does it not suit me?” Fuyutsuki asked apprehensively. “If you entered a yukata contest, you’d definitely win.” “Give me a more straightforward compliment,” she said with a pout. “You look very beautiful.” Seemingly satisfied with my appraisal, Fuyutsuki spun around, taking small steps. Then she came to a stop, facing the direction of my voice. “I finally got to wear it,” she said, her voice tinged with emotion. She’d been able to dress up in the yukata she’d wanted to wear before getting hospitalized. That in itself felt like a miracle. Fuyutsuki’s light hadn’t gone out. Instead, it seemed to be bringing color to my days. “I finally got to show off to you, Kakeru. I want you to remember this forever.” “This…is something I’ll never forget.” “Yippee,” she said with a smile as I took her by the hand. By the time we made it to campus, Narumi and Hayase had already gotten the fireworks ready for us. “This one’s a big’un!” Narumi and Hayase raised their hands, standing on the edge of the grass. Narumi lit the fuse of one of the fireworks we’d bought at the specialist store in Asakusabashi, ostentatiously called the God of Thunder. It soared into the sky with a whoosh. For a moment, there was silence—but the next instant, the firework exploded, tearing through the darkness. A dull bang, bang, bang echoed around us, and the smell of gunpowder filled the night sky. The quad was bathed in a kaleidoscope of colors—red, blue, yellow. “What an incredible sound!” Fuyutsuki was so happy that she started bouncing up and down on the lawn dressed in her yukata. She seemed to be having a great time. “Tell me what you see,” she whispered, holding my hand. I described the fireworks to her, explaining how the red, blue, and yellow fireworks were painting the night sky in color. “…I’m so glad,” she said, looking as though she was on the brink of tears again. As the fanfare reverberated through the night, the golden light of the fireworks sparkled and shimmered in the air. After most of the fireworks had been set off, Hayase and Narumi called out to Fuyutsuki. “Good luck in Hokkaido, Koharu.” “We’re rootin’ for ya!” Fuyutsuki smiled. “Just you wait. I’m going to come back fit as a fiddle!” Then she paused and suddenly pursed her lips. “I won’t be doing any more disappearing acts,” she said, gripping the hem of her yukata tightly. She was probably thinking about how she’d vanished without telling anyone. An apologetic look was written all over her face, and Hayase and Narumi exchanged glances. “Of course you won’t,” replied Hayase. “Next time, we’re gonna put a GPS tracker on ya,” Narumi joked. Hearing the two of them laugh, Fuyutsuki appeared to tear up with relief. “Anyway, there’re still some more fireworks left. I’ll go set ’em off,” said Narumi. “Are you okay, Koharu?” asked Hayase. “Do you need to sit down? Are you sure you’re not cold?” We continued watching the fireworks for a little while longer. Holding my hand, Fuyutsuki whispered something only I could hear. “I’m so glad to have the two of them as friends.” She smiled in my direction. “I’m sure you feel the same way.” After saying good-bye to Hayase and Narumi, I took Fuyutsuki back to the hospital. As I was chaperoning her from the taxi to her hospital room, she put a hand on my left elbow. “This is the last day we’ll be able to see each other for a while, so just hold on a little longer.” She wasn’t explicitly admitting she wanted to be with me, but her grip on my arm tightened nonetheless. I suggested we swing by our usual spot, and we started making our way to the hospital’s rooftop garden. It was empty, so we had the place all to ourselves. “That breeze is really nice,” she said. It was the first time we’d been out in the garden at night. Tokyo is so bright at nighttime that sometimes, it almost feels eerie. It’s as if there’s a transparent film covering the entire metropolis that separates the darkness of the night from the lights of the city, protecting us and trapping us at the same time. Maybe that’s why the sight of Tokyo at night makes me feel somewhat uneasy, despite how bright it is. I wondered how the night seemed to Fuyutsuki. After all, she couldn’t see the sky. I wanted to discuss that with her next time I got the chance. Buildings, cars, and streetlights illuminated the garden from below. It reminded me of a stage with lights underneath it. The moon was the spotlight, making Fuyutsuki and me the stars of the show. There she was, standing in her yukata, illuminated by the moonlight. Looking at her reminded me of how helplessly in love with her I was, and my face got hot. “I’m glad we could finally put those fireworks we bought in Asakusabashi to use.” “I ended up keeping them in my room for a really long time.” “I had so much energy back then,” said Fuyutsuki, clutching her chest. “Will you come on another date with me once I get better?” “I’ll have to think about that one.” “Meanie.” Fuyutsuki pouted sulkily, and I quickly apologized. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. We can go on a date whenever you feel like it. I’m always ready for an outing.” “Where should we go?” “Anywhere. The mountains, the river, shopping, a theme park.” “I want to visit the place where you were born.” “Sure. There’s a sea I always used to gaze out at.” “A sea?” Back in my hometown, the swift currents seemed to carry everything away with them—both the good and the bad. That sea made me realize that when I emptied my mind of the good and the bad, all I was left with was the present. No, that wasn’t it. It was because I’d met Fuyutsuki that I was able to think that way. Thanks to her, the present stayed with me, even after everything else had been washed away. Fuyutsuki lived in the moment. It was thanks to her that I’d been able to break down the walls I’d created for myself. She had been the one who’d changed my cynical outlook. I wanted to go and see those waters with Fuyutsuki, the person who’d changed me. I held her hand, filled with a deep love and gratitude toward her. She might not have been able to see, but I still wanted us to stroll along the water together and enjoy the sea breeze. “I’ll be looking forward to that. I have to stay alive until then,” Fuyutsuki said, looking up. It was as if she was gazing up at the transparent film created by the Tokyo night. If I started chatting away about some creepy idea I’d made up in my mind, though, Fuyutsuki would probably just laugh it off. I got the feeling that no matter how dark it was, nothing would stop Fuyutsuki from running into the night. “We got sparklers when we bought those fireworks in Asakusabashi, too,” I said. “Can we do them here?” “Probably not.” “Yeah, I guessed as much,” Fuyutsuki said, laughing. “Still, who’s gonna catch us?” I asked. “A little rule breaking never hurt anybody.” “Are you trying to make me your accomplice?” “Actually, I’m trying to turn you into the main culprit.” “There you go again,” said Fuyutsuki. She was taken aback, but she still laughed. “Let’s have a competition to see whose sparkler lasts the longest. Do you have a lighter?” “Yeah, I brought one with me.” “You must have been pretty determined to set them off.” Fuyutsuki crouched down and pulled on my arm. “We need to get a little closer, or the wind will blow it out.” “If you wanna snuggle up together, you could’ve just asked.” “All right then, let’s snuggle.” Fuyutsuki nestled close to me, sheltering from the wind. I caught a whiff of her smell, which made me feel relaxed. I lit the sparklers with my lighter, and the glow illuminated Fuyutsuki’s face. We huddled together, watching them burn. The sparklers crackled and glimmered as we held them in our hands. I hoped Fuyutsuki’s sparkler would last longer than mine. I hoped she’d live longer than I did, even if just by a second. I wished that from the bottom of my heart. Sparks fizzled and scattered from the sparklers’ swollen, glowing red tips. They stretched out like flower stems, before blooming with light and vanishing in an instant. That flickering pattern of light and loss repeated over and over again as the sparklers continued to burn. If those scattered sparks were what caused the sparklers to burn out faster, then I wished they’d just hold them in. That way, they could keep burning for longer. I glanced at the girl beside me. Fuyutsuki was smiling happily, her face illuminated by the faint glow. When I saw her smile, I realized I was wrong. Those sparklers were glowing brilliantly and lending someone else their light. To me, there was nothing more wonderful than that. I wanted them to shine as brightly as they could and continue to shine until they were completely satisfied. That was what I wished for as I crouched next to the person I loved. Burn. Keep burning. Don’t go out. I channeled those small prayers into the sparkler I was holding. At that moment, however, one of the sparks went out. Only one crackling sparkler remained. “Oh, mine went out first,” I said. Fuyutsuki chuckled. “You always tell such kind lies, don’t you, Kakeru?” she said, smiling. She seemed to be looking at my sparkler, still burning in my hand. It made me feel awkward that she’d found me out. Then I came up with an idea. “We still have some more sparklers left. Let’s have a rematch.” “This time, don’t lie to me.” “Come a little closer, then.” I lit two new sparklers. They sputtered and scattered their sparks around, and glowing red balls formed at the ends of the rods. I brought my spark closer to Fuyutsuki’s. The two sparks seemed to cling to each other, merging into one large one. They made a crackling noise as large sparks flew around them. “What did you do, Kakeru?” Fuyutsuki asked curiously. “I put our sparklers together. I thought it might make them burn longer.” “Ah-ha-ha-ha! It’s not a competition anymore, then, is it?” “Well, no.” I gazed at the larger spark, praying for it not to go out. “Still, you know, I hope your spark keeps on burning for a really long time—even if it only lasts a second longer than mine.” When I glanced at Fuyutsuki’s face beside me, I could see tears welling up in her eyes. She rested her head on my shoulder, then asked me a question, her voice soft. “What will you do if I die first?” “Don’t say that.” “It’s just a hypothetical.” I didn’t want to imagine life without Fuyutsuki. She was so deeply embedded in the core of my being. So I was honest with her. “I don’t think I could handle it. Yeah. If you die, I want to die with you.” “I knew you’d say that.” “Was that too heavy?” “No, but I’m not happy with your answer. I want the person I love to live a long life.” Our conversation appeared to be taking a dark turn. It felt like death was still haunting us both. Instead, I wanted to discuss the future. I was suddenly reminded of her yellow bookmark—the one that had blown away in the wind and fluttered off into the sky. “The yellow bookmark.” “My bookmark?” “Is there anything else you want to do in the future, aside from the things you wrote on it?” I asked. Fuyutsuki paused for a moment, then simply said, “No.” “Your tone of voice suggests otherwise,” I responded. “This might be a bit too heavy, don’t you think?” “Heavy is totally fine by me.” “Don’t laugh at me, then.” “I won’t.” She seemed to have resigned herself to telling me, and one by one, Fuyutsuki told me all the wishes she’d been keeping in her heart. They were magnificent. “I know it’s clichéd, but I want to wear a wedding dress.” “Okay.” “I want to go on a honeymoon, too.” “Where do you want to go?” “Anywhere’s fine—as long as it’s warm and relaxing.” “Got it.” “And I want at least one child.” “Sure.” “And they’ll wear the same kimono that I wore at my Shichi-Go-San ceremony.” “Right.” “Once they’re in elementary school, I want to go to Parents’ Day. That might be difficult, though, since I can’t see.” “I’ll figure something out.” “I want to go on plenty of family vacations, too.” “Leave it to me.” “And I want my daughter to wear a formal kimono at her coming-of-age ceremony.” “I’ll learn how to put one on.” “We can’t devote ourselves solely to our family, though. I want the two of us to go on dates every so often.” “Understood.” “And I want to go to my children’s weddings. They’ll write letters to their parents, and when they read mine out, I’ll bawl my eyes out.” “I expect I’ll cry, too.” At that point, Fuyutsuki nuzzled me with her head. “It’s so embarrassing,” she said. “There’s lots of things you want to do, then.” “I guess there are.” I was relieved. Now that I knew Fuyutsuki’s heartfelt wishes, I felt a sense of hope envelop me. “You have to stay alive,” I told her. “Yeah. I’ll live a long life. I promise.” The large combined spark had lasted slightly longer than they had individually, but it had still gone out a while ago. Yet even so, the fire in our hearts kept burning. “Did it go out?” Fuyutsuki asked. “Yeah.” “Is that it for today, then?” she said, sounding disappointed. I handed her something. “What’s this?” Fuyutsuki moved her fingertips over the small voice recorder, taking it in. “I recorded myself reading The Diary of Anne Frank.” “The whole thing?” “Yep. My throat was pretty hoarse afterward.” “No way! You really recorded the whole thing?! Thank you!” Fuyutsuki laughed as she wrapped her arm around mine. “I’ll send some flowers to your hospital room in Hokkaido.” “You will?” She sounded overjoyed, and her face turned red. “Spider lilies. Do you know what it means to give someone spider lilies?” “‘I believe in you,’ right?” “You knew that already?” “Well, I did always have them decorating my room.” “Do you know their other meaning, then?” “They have another meaning?” I looked up at the night sky as I told her what it was. “‘To a faraway place.’” “…A faraway place?” I squeezed her hand. “I believe in you, as you journey off to a faraway place.” That was what I told Fuyutsuki, who would be heading off to battle her horrific disease in a faraway city. “Get better while you’re there. I’ll keep believing in you when you’re off in a faraway place.” “Kakeru,” Fuyutsuki said, her voice laced with emotion. “Yeah?” “I’m really glad I fell in love with you.” She pressed her face against the edge of my shoulder. Our lips touched. The excitement instantly sent my heart racing. I almost wished our lips would meld and we’d come together as one, just like our sparklers had. It mustn’t have even lasted ten seconds, but the happiness I felt kissing her seemed so much longer—as though we’d kissed for a whole minute, or an hour. Once our lips parted, Fuyutsuki felt around with her hands and pulled me into an embrace. “I’ll keep trying for a little longer,” she said earnestly. Fuyutsuki’s cancer came back over and over again, and she fought it every time. Eventually, though, the wretched illness snatched her life away from me.
Chapter 10
15 min read