As planned, the meeting with Saitou’s parents went off without a hitch.
I’m sure that I gave off the impression that I was a competent adult and implied well enough that things were going smoothly between Saitou and me. I’m also sure it was clear that my income would not be an issue. Saitou was the most nervous out of anyone present. It occurred to me to ask if this was the first time she had brought a partner to meet her parents; as it turned out, it was. I was curious why I was the first, but I supposed it was a matter of age.
I, naturally, was not nervous in the slightest. Throughout the meeting, I gauged her parents’ reactions to meeting this romantic partner of their daughter’s. They seemed relieved, though at the same time looked like someone had taken some toy of theirs away.
I gave them a proper trivial greeting as we saw them off at the hotel nearest to the station.
Once we were alone, Saitou invited me to stop in somewhere else. I was sure that this was a form of self-care for Saitou, so that was fine. We stopped in at a bar we had been to before, about ten minutes’ walk from the station, and sat down at a table. Thinking about it, more than half of the time I shared with Saitou was spent either sleeping or eating. There was nothing else for two boring adults like us to do.
She ordered a strong-smelling beer, the one she always drank when she had gotten past some tough spot at work or in her private life. She took a sip of the Laphroaig she had ordered from the bartender and heaved a heavy sigh.
“Thanks for everything,” she said. “I really have to thank you.”
“I was a little nervous, but it was fun.”
“Really? I got so worn out just freaking out about whether one of my parents might say something weird.”
She let out another sigh and clinked her glass to mine almost as an afterthought.
“They really liked you.”
“I sure hope so.”
“They were absolutely gushing when you left to go to the restroom.”
Just because someone said something about someone else when they weren’t present didn’t mean that evaluation was true. Saitou’s position in that moment was half a family member, half my dating partner. Obviously they weren’t going to be entirely frank in front of their daughter. Not that there was really any need for me to be certain of their true feelings.
I sipped my drink in time with her. Every few times you took a sip while drinking with someone else, you were bound to lift your glasses at the same time. Doing so kept the rhythm of the conversation steady and your partner in good spirits. As we continued discussing the night’s events, Saitou changed her glass out for a second drink, and a third.
“I’m glad that they liked this too.”
She lifted up the necklace that hung from her neck, eyes moist. I had given it to her at midnight the night before as a birthday gift.
“Yeah, they said it was cute, didn’t they?”
“Mm, that’s not what I’m happy about, though. It’s cute because a professional made it to be cute. Obviously it’d be cute.” Through her intoxication she seemed awfully proud of the conclusion she had come to. “I’m happy because they thought I suited the necklace I was wearing.”
“Not that the jewelry suited you?”
“Well, yeah, because it’s something that you chose, based on our memories and what you thought I would like. I’m happy that other people can see it too.”
I wondered exactly what was so great about that, and the moment’s pause born of that thought apparently conveyed my doubts to Saitou. Or perhaps she had merely intended to explain herself from the start.
“I don’t think there’s anything that could make someone happier than knowing they’re in their beloved’s thoughts.”
“I see.” I understood what she was saying, but I couldn’t empathize. “That’s a very you way to put it.”
“C’mon, stop makin’ fun of me!”
Grinning in a way that was not at all unhappy, Saitou ordered another drink from the bartender.
“I don’t know about having anybody in my thoughts, but I chose it because I thought it would make you happy.”
That wasn’t a lie. It was simply the best choice for putting her in a good mood. No matter how you tried to put it into words, you could never truly know someone else’s heart, so that was enough. There was no need for empathy. We both just had to play the appropriate parts.
I had even chosen that statement because I thought it would make her happy. However, she didn’t react with a smile and a blush, as I’d expected.
“Say, Kaya-kun,” she started but did not continue. It was that typical cowardice of hers, leaving Saitou unable to speak if the other party wasn’t interested. I looked at her curiously.
“What?”
“Am I enough for you?”
It was an abstract question, one to which I did not have an immediate answer. It wasn’t that I couldn’t answer, but I could sense that the appropriate response was silence.
“Sorry, I dunno what I’m saying. I even had you meet my parents. Everything’s just moved so fast from that first night up until now, so I guess, to put it nicely, it…it almost seems like fate.”
Wasn’t she the one who liked to insist that there was no such thing as fate in this world?
“I guess I’ve just been kind of worried.”
“About what?”
“That I’m hogging your future.”
She took a gulp of the amber-colored liquid.
“I dunno about marriage or anything like that, but if we keep on like this, I might be stealing precious years away from you. Though I sure hope that won’t be the case.”
She left off at another awkward spot. She mistakenly thought that not spelling everything out meant that she was letting the other party have their say—or else she was just pretending to have that misconception. But leaving words that should be said unspoken was only a way to try to get the other person to complete your thought. It was as good as trying to bring someone under your control.
Of course, knowing all that, I finished her words for her.
“We might take different paths one day, and we might grow apart.”
“That’s true.”
“But even so, I’ll never think of the time I’ve spent with you as a loss.”
None of my time was even valuable enough to be wasted.
We might have years or decades ahead of us. There might be marriage, children, and more in our future, but none of that was a problem for me. There was nothing that I could hope to gain by using my time any other way. It was probably for the best that Saitou used me to her heart’s content: She could use me to experience that gale of excitement in her free time. And then, if the two of us lived together like zombies once the gale left her, it was just as fine. That was the sort of pair we were.
On the off chance she was able to read my mind, I wondered if she would be mad at me for belittling her.
She smiled bashfully and said, “Look at you, acting all cool!” with an elbow jab that didn’t connect.
“When you put it that way, though, there’s actually something I’m curious about.”
“Yeah?”
“Uh-huh.”
She set her glass down for a moment, the liquid inside sloshing, and tilted her head slightly.
“Have you ever had a love that you’ll never forget?” she asked, with that same light in her eyes that had long since left mine.
I was confident, certain even, that Saitou knew nothing about me, but I could still feel the hackles rising on some part of me that I could never show her. But through all the endless hours I had learned to hide that part of myself, so I doubted she could read the bristling that coursed through my marrow.
“One or two, maybe. They do say that men tend to keep an old flame or two around in the back of their minds.”
She couldn’t possibly have read me. And yet, she muttered something inconceivable.
“…Liar.”
The word that fell from her lips in that hushed tone slunk around my feet. I could almost picture it tightening around my legs.
She took another sip of her drink after giving me a smile, one that suggested the muscles of her face had formed it regardless of her emotions.
Liar, she said. What could that mean?
Had I made her think that something about me was a lie?
Could she read some part of me?
Had she sensed something about me?
Saitou, of all people.
“What am I lying about?” I asked. Her smile widened.
“Mm, well, I mean, I bet you’ve always been popular. I’m sure it’s not just one or two.”
That was a lie too, and I was sure that she had said it knowing that I would realize. If she had wanted me to think that she was being serious, her words would have matched her tone.
So then, why…?
If what had nestled itself within me was something common to this world, if it was something that everyone experienced, then it wouldn’t be shocking for her to guess what was going on in my head—but it was nothing like that. Saitou could not possibly imagine. It was beyond imagining.
I pushed no further. If I did, I realized it would have destroyed our relationship, which had been progressing with corpse-like placidity thus far, in an instant.
Perhaps whatever was hidden within her could deal a fatal blow to our relationship. A few days later, though, I got a call that might eliminate any need to worry about such things.