I swallowed down the awkwardness of my next breath with my highball. Why on earth would Aizawa Shihori say a thing like that?
The chumminess of the waitstaff came in handy here. Every time the waitress stopped by, she had a few words to say, allowing me to sidestep the invitation. As such, the meeting between Saitou and Aizawa Shihori remained an event for just the two ladies. There was a chance that Saitou might learn something less-than-positive about me, but facts were facts.
It was possible that this might even be the impetus for the two of us to break off our relationship. If that did happen, it’d be just as well to me. Saitou seemed to be thinking the exact opposite, though, and brought up a further topic as she snacked on some kabocha.
“Well, never mind meeting up with Shihori-chan, anyway. But there is something else I was hoping you’d attend with me.”
From how formal she was being, I had some idea.
“Sure, when?”
“Next month is my birthday, remember?”
“November 23rd, right?”
“Yeah, on Labor Thanksgiving Day!”
She had sighed enough times that people usually didn’t thank her for her work that it was easy enough to remember.
“My parents said they wanted to come here to have dinner with me, and…well, I was thinking you could come too.”
“…Huh?”
“Oh! I mean it’s fine if you don’t want to! S-sorry!”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, but are you sure I should be intruding on your family time? Since it was your parents’ idea, I’m sure they’d rather spend their time with their lovely daughter.”
To be honest, the idea really didn’t bother me. I had met the parents of other significant others before, and I was fairly practiced at meeting new people for work and interviews. I had only voiced what sounded like hesitation in the hopes of gauging exactly how seriously—and with what intention—she had proposed this meeting.
“Jeez, you know I see them all the time.”
My playing dumb was purposely overt, as I certainly did know that. I wasn’t trying to offend her and make my own life harder for no reason.
“Are you asking me to formally meet your parents?”
She opened her lips once, gulping both air and her resolve into an “Mm-hmm,” as she nodded. “That’s correct. But if you don’t want to, it’s fine.”
It was clear from the number of pieces of nankotsu karaage she was popping into her mouth that Saitou was waiting for my reply. I understood now—her excitement when talking about Aizawa was just a trojan horse for the true seriousness of her real motive. I assumed she didn’t want me to think of her as a burden. I had probably wounded former partners that way. I didn’t have to think twice about what choice to make.
“I just hope they think that I’m right for you.”
There was a certain face Saitou made when she wasn’t sure just how much joy or excitement she was allowed to show. I knew exactly how to handle this.
“Just gotta make sure they don’t think that someone just as gloomy as their daughter has come along.”
“Kaya-kun, I swear…! You are right, though.”
That was enough to finally get a smile out of her. She seemed to live in fear of premature joy more than most people. She couldn’t cope without that happiness being handed to her wrapped up in a neat little bow. As far as her life was concerned, her wariness toward feeling joy probably wasn’t such a bad idea—though it occurred to me that the joy she was feeling was still premature.
Perhaps relieved that one important preliminary step was now out of the way, Saitou began drinking. It seemed to me she had been drinking more heavily as of late. As I listened to her grumble about work, I wondered on what measure Saitou based introducing me to her parents as a prospective partner.
If I had to put into words what she valued most in life, it would probably be a sense of accomplishment. Getting that sense of accomplishment from her work gave her the greatest joy. This was obvious from the things she spoke about on a daily basis; her work definitely gave her a sort of hope. Thus, I had to assume that for Saitou, romance was only a means of satisfying her own lustful desires and her desire for approval as a woman. That said, it was starting to seem that her relationship with me wasn’t so frivolous but something that she imagined could progress to marriage. Was it simply because she felt like a prisoner to social norms?
Well, whatever the reason, that was fine.
It didn’t matter to me if we got married; I would just keep existing until I died. You can detour all you like on your road back into the ground, but the destination remains the same no matter which path you take.
“Thanks for another great meal! We’ll be back!”
We left the izakaya with plenty of time for me to catch the last train after seeing Saitou home. I watched her chattering with the waitstaff and gave a bow. As the sliding door clacked closed behind us, she wrapped her hand around my elbow.
“Sorry about asking you to meet my parents out of nowhere.”
I looked down to her after she spoke—she was making a face like she had just bitten into some acrid fruit.
“It’s fine. I did figure this day might come eventually.”
I spat exactly the words she was hoping to hear.
“Thank you. I’m glad…really glad.” She tittered at herself, then let go of my elbow. “I’ve actually been nervous about this all day.”
“Hard to imagine you getting nervous about anything.”
That was just a facade she kept up, I realized.
“I guess it must look that way, but I’m actually a pretty anxious person. I was seriously nervous today though. Probably the most since that time!”
“Which time?”
“When we held hands in that taxi, on the first night we went out for drinks together.”
I guess that had happened. The memory had sunk down to the bottom of my muddy heart, no more or less valuable than any other.
“My folks are going to be so surprised I’ve found a good man like you!”
All part of the usual conversational routine. I laughed back, “I certainly hope so.”
As always, I couldn’t help but notice that there was some vanity behind the trigger Saitou had pulled, something which could be mistaken for shyness. I wasn’t sure to what degree, but I knew there was a side of her that saw me as some kind of ornament. It didn’t bother me—I was fine with it. It was fine if our relationship was somewhat muddied. It’s fine for your feelings for others to stagnate. Outside of the singular gust of brilliance, when it came to the meaningless rest of your life, that was all fine.
We arrived in front of Saitou’s building. I asked her vaguely about her plans for her day off tomorrow and said goodnight before leaving. Or at least, that was the plan.
“About that night,” she suddenly said, staring at her own reddened palm. “When the taxi stopped here, I wondered if you might come up with me. I got excited thinking about what might happen if you did. But you were ever so much the gentleman.” She laughed, teasingly. I knew what she was trying to say. “I guess you’ve got work tomorrow, huh?”
It meant so little to me. Not just work—everything. Thus, I responded as she was hoping.
“I mean, I’m not so much of a gentleman that I can’t leave a spare tie at a girl’s place so I can head right out for work again in the morning.”
As long as Saitou was happy, that was all that mattered. As long as I didn’t cause trouble, that was all that mattered. If she still had some hope for the future, some delusion that she could be happy, that was all that mattered.
I couldn’t help but envy how ignorant and foolish she was that something so simple could still make her smile.
✦ ✦ ✦
“As long as you don’t smoke at my place, I don’t care if you do so when we’re out or whatever.”
“Nah, I’m gonna quit. I hate leaving the smell of cigarettes on your clothes and hair.”
“What a considerate fellow you are.”
“It just seems obvious to me. It’s not like I smoke all that much anyway.”
“Ah, that’s true.”
“If you want me to give up smoking, I will.”
“I mean, it’s fine. I don’t want you to change on my account.”
“It’s really not that big a deal.”
“But I think it is. Giving up something you like just for someone else, that is.”
“I really wouldn’t call it ‘giving up’ or anything.”
“Listen, it’s fine! I think people should change for themselves, not others.”
“For themselves, huh?”
“Yeah. So, when the time comes for you to give up smoking, I want it to be for yourself first. Like out of concern for your own health or because you think it’ll make you more attractive if you quit.”
“I mean my health is fine right now, but if it’ll make me more attractive, maybe I will quit.”
“It’s hard for a guy as handsome as you to be all alone.”
“But I’ve got you, don’t I?”
“Hee, suppose so, guess I can be there for you.”
In the darkness, my fingers, which once seemed to grasp life itself, limply grasped Saitou’s arm atop the three-quarter bed.