When she stopped writing my name, she also stopped writing what she thought about me. My request had been an error.
July 13—
I’m going to start keeping a list of the things I want to do.
I want to go on a trip (with a boy)
I want to eat tasty offal
I want to eat tasty ramen
I have an idea.
July 15—
I want to do something I’m not supposed to do with a boy who’s not my boyfriend.
I’ll write about the trip when I get home.
July 19—
I did better on the tests than I thought! The trip was fun, too, and Kyōko has forgiven me already, so I’m feeling good about the start of summer break… And then we get assigned summer school. Dammit.
July 21—
Today was very bad and very good. I cried a little on my own. I cried all day.
She must have been writing about that day—the day of our mistakes.
That she cried alone surprises me. I feel a pain near my lungs.
July 22—
I’m in the hospital. They say I have to stay here for two weeks. Some numbers were wrong or something like that. I’m a little—no, I won’t lie here—I’m a lot afraid. But I’m putting up a front. Not lying to anyone. But putting up a front.
July 24—
I thought dancing might distract me from my worries, but someone came in my room and saw me. I was so embarrassed—and so relieved that he came—that I thought I was going to cry. So I hid. After that, we had a good time. I feel reassured now. […]
July 27—
Something interesting happened, but I can’t write about it. That would be against the rules. I guess I’ll write about my magic tricks instead. […]
July 28—
I thought I had one year left. Now it’s half.
I stare at the entry. I haven’t been reading aloud, but I’m stunned to silence anyway.
July 31—
I lied today. I wonder if it’s the first time I’ve told a real lie. Someone asked me if something was going on, and I thought I was going to cry again. I almost told him. But I just couldn’t. I don’t want to let go of the normal life he brings to me. I’m weak. When will I tell him the truth?
August 3—
Someone was worried for me. I told another lie. How could I be honest with him when he looked so relieved? Still, I was happy. I didn’t know I could be so happy to be alive. I didn’t know he needed me this badly. I was so happy, so overjoyed, I cried and cried after he left. The only reason I’m writing this now is in hopes he’ll learn how I feel after I die. See, I’m weak. I think he didn’t catch on, though. I’ve got a better poker face than you’d think.
August 4—
I’ve been too wimpy lately! Enough with this depressing crap! Haven’t I already decided not to write like that?! I have half a mind to go back and erase the last few days.
August 7—
Okay, so this isn’t something from today, but something I’ve been doing during this whole stay—I’ve been trying to get a certain two people to run into each other as much as I can. I want them to be friends, but there’s a long way to go. (Ha ha!) I hope they can start getting along before I die. I’ve been learning a new magic trick, and it’s a big one! I can’t wait to show it off. […]
August 10—
I’ve decided what we’re going to do when I get out of here. We’re going to the ocean. I think something like that is just what we need. I think we need to slow ourselves down or we’ll keep going until we’ve gone all the way. (Ha ha!) Not saying that would be terrible, just…not so rushed. Anyway, the magic trick is complicated. […]
August 13—
I finally ate my first watermelon of the summer today (I know). I like watermelon better than cantaloupe. My likes haven’t changed much since I was a little kid. That doesn’t mean I always love offal no matter what. I hate hearing kids noisily chomping away on honeycomb tripe. I explained the rules of this book to my mom. I’ll write them down just to be safe. You are absolutely not allowed to show this book to anyone outside our family until a certain person comes to take it. You’re not to try to get any hints about who it is out of Kyōko, either. […]
August 16—
I get to leave the hospital soon! Two people came for their last visits. They both told me to quit forcing them to meet, so I scheduled them separately.
I want the three of us to go out to eat together and get along, even if only once!
August 18—
I leave the hospital tomorrow!!!!!!
I’m going to enjoy every last moment I have left!
Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her journal cuts short there.
I can’t believe it. I had been right to be afraid.
Something had been going on, and she had hidden it.
I feel something building up inside my guts. Steady, I tell myself, doing all I can to keep it together. You couldn’t have done anything about it then, and you can’t do anything about it now.
Breathing deeply, I direct my thoughts toward the present.
I didn’t find what I was seeking in her book. Its pages contain no clear answer to my biggest question: What was I to her? I can see I was important to her; I knew that already. But what did she call me in her thoughts?
I’m despondent.
I close my eyes and ease my breathing. Unintentionally, I turn this moment into one of silence, almost prayer-like.
I close the book and notice her mother is quietly waiting for me. I softly rest the book on the tatami mat and slide it toward her.
“Thank you,” I say.
“There’s more.”
The silence returns. Then I say, “What?”
She doesn’t take the book. Her eyes, just like her daughter’s, except reddened by crying, are locked on mine as she says, “What Sakura really wanted you to read comes after that.”
I quickly scoop up the book and flip through the blank pages.
Near the end of the book, her writing starts up again.
Her handwriting looks buoyant and lively and reminds me of who she was.
My breath stops.
Farewell Letters [rough draft] [of many]