Chapter 9
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IT WAS A BRIGHT AND SUNNY DAY as I left my house like always, but unlike always, I did not head to school. I was a good girl and I could not tell a lie. So, that morning, when I told my mother I was leaving, I did not tell her where I was headed. Now that’s what I call clever.
I did not head to school because I had something far more important to do. Although in truth, there is probably no reason for me to ever go back to school again, I thought. As for my studies, I could just have Skank-san tutor me. Even if I didn’t have lunch, I would have Granny’s sweets to tide me over. I would write letters to Hitomi-sensei now and then. People might say that I had to go to school, that elementary school education was compulsory, but what did they do when it wasn’t necessary?
Now that I thought about it, I’d learned about skipping grades from a movie. I was smart enough that I could probably just do that. Well, no… Like Skank-san had told me, getting smarter wasn’t everything. Given that I had only been attending school for that purpose, there was probably no reason for me to go ever again.
As I thought all those things, I arrived at my destination before I knew it.
I hadn’t the slightest bit of doubt about coming here today. My arrival was different from the previous time. For one, I did not have my little friend at my side. Plus, it was still morning. The most important change, however, was that I no longer held any notions about attacking him.
Like the last time, I rang the doorbell again and again. Like before, it was a sullen woman’s voice that I heard through the speaker. Last time, I had replied to that voice with a cheerful greeting. Today however, there was something that I needed to do.
I put all my heart into my words, to be sure to convey how I truly felt.
“It’s Koyanagi Nanoka, Kiriyuu-kun’s classmate. I’m sorry about what happened last time.”
Although the woman could not see me, I bowed my head. You have to be sure to put your whole heart into it when you’re apologizing or giving thanks. It’s the same whether you’re clever or not.
My feelings must have made it through to her because, just like last time, she very kindly said, “Just a moment.”
I bowed my head once more when she finally opened the door.
“Good morning. I’m sorry about last time,” I repeated. These were my true feelings, as true as when I had called Kiriyuu-kun a coward.
“Good morning. And no, there’s nothing for you to apologize for,” she said, shaking her head. But that was not true. There was plenty for me to apologize for.
“I’m sorry for leaving without saying a proper goodbye last time, and for saying such terrible things to Kiriyuu-kun.”
“It’s all right. Hikari is the one who should be apologizing. You came all the way to see him, but he wouldn’t even come out of his room. The notes that you brought were beautifully written. I made sure to give them to him. And you dropped in here before going to school today.”
Apparently, she really had forgiven me for all the rude things I had done the last time. Still, I thought what she was saying was a little bit wrong, so I told her the reason I had come today.
“I came to talk to Kiriyuu-kun about something. It’s not about being his ally, or fighting, or coming to school. It’s something more important.”
“Something important?”
Kiriyuu’s mother was a very kind person. Her face looked like a castle guard in a story. Naturally, it was me that she was guarding against. Not only had I been rude, but I had harmed her son last time I came. However, if I let all that deter me, I would not have come here today. I absolutely had to talk to Kiriyuu-kun.
If I wished to be forgiven, there was only one thing to do. I had to earnestly pour my whole heart out without a single lie: why I had come here, what I wanted to say, why I felt that way, and who I hoped to become. As people walked their dogs and other children passed by the house on their way to my school, I told Kiriyuu’s mother everything.
I believe that you should share what you feel at the bottom of your heart with the person you are talking to. That’s probably why I ended up telling Kiriyuu-kun just how cowardly I thought he was.
I had my doubts, but I still wanted to try and explain these things properly to his mother. Just as before, she let me inside the house.
I did not understand why, unlike last time, her eyes appeared to be glistening slightly. As sharp as I was, I could never understand the reason for an adult’s tears, no matter how much I thought about it. Even when I asked them, they usually wouldn’t tell me. Not Kiriyuu-kun’s mother, nor Skank-san, nor Minami-san.
Once inside, she brought me orange juice, just like before. I took only a single sip before heading to the second floor. This time, I did not have Kiriyuu’s mother accompany me up. I simply did not feel there was any need. Even she agreed it was probably better that way.
I was cool as a cucumber as I climbed the stairs, despite the nerves I had felt last time. Today, I felt just as I did when climbing the stairs to Skank-san’s apartment. Step by step, as though walking towards something, although I don’t know if that was happiness or something else.
Skank-san had said that happiness meant being able to think seriously about someone. I wasn’t sharp when it came to people. That much I knew. Thus, I could not come to like others, or think much about them. And so I had decided to think only about myself. And I was sure that I was happy as I traveled here today, having come to this decision.
I began to sing.
“Happiness won’t cooome, wandering my way, sooo thaaat’s why I set ooout to find it todaaay!”
There was no one to sing along with me. Miss Bobtail was not present, nor was Skank-san, or Minami-san, or Granny. I was having fun singing by myself, but singing is always much more fun when you have someone to accompany you.
I would have to find someone to sing with me.
I stopped before one of the doors and knocked sharply. I’m sure that Kiriyuu must have known that it was not his mother who had knocked.
“Salutations, Kiriyuu-kun,” I said. “First off, I have something to say. I’m sorry about last time.”
I bowed before the door. Obviously he could not see me, nor did he reply. But I believed that he could hear me. I took a breath.
“I really did want to apologize to you, cross my heart, but that’s not why I came here today. There’s something waaay more important I need to talk to you about.”
I dropped my backpack onto the floor and sat down with my back to the wall. Then, I took one of my notebooks out from my bag. I had a different notebook for every subject: math went in the math notebook, science in the science notebook, and so forth. The one I had brought today was my language arts notebook.
“Now, Kiriyuu-kun, let’s start the discussion.”
I opened the notebook to the page for class discussions.
“The topic is: what is happiness?”
It was for this purpose, for this conversation, that I had come to Kiriyuu’s house today. I did not wish to talk about allies and enemies, or going to school, or whether or not he lacked courage. Only this. If you had asked me why, I’m sure that I would have said it was because having friends and allies meant finding happiness together.