I had thought hard about it the night before, about what it meant to be an ally. I was happy being with Skank-san, who had become happy just thinking about me. I had found happiness in reading Minami-san’s stories, who had promised me that she would try to become happy, too. I was happy when I was eating sweets and talking about books with Granny, who had said that being with me made her happy. And so, I wanted to find happiness with Kiriyuu-kun as well. That was what it meant to be an ally. I was sure of it.
Kiriyuu-kun was my partner in class discussions. And a discussion like this necessitated a notebook more than it did the contents of a fridge.
“Let’s start with a review. I’ll read out everything that we’ve thought of so far. In the very first discussion, we discussed when we feel happy: eating cookies with ice cream on top, eating Granny’s ohagi, eating sweets your mom baked, reading books, singing songs with friends, having Hamburg steak for dinner, when your mom and dad get home early, traveling with your family, eating your favorite ice cream.”
I purposefully avoided reading just one of the items.
“During the next discussion, we talked about times when we didn’t feel happy: seeing cockroaches, when there’s natto in the school lunch… You added when there’s seaweed salad in the lunches, but I didn’t agree with that. I think seaweed is delicious.”
There was still no sound from Kiriyuu-kun’s room.
“After we listed a lot of things that weren’t happiness, we talked about something a little different: whether not being happy was the opposite of happiness, and whether we are happy when the opposite of something we dislike happens. But we came to the conclusion that wasn’t true. We wouldn’t be happy just because we didn’t have natto in our lunches. You added that you wouldn’t be happy just because there wasn’t seaweed salad, either. At least, not if there wasn’t kara-age in its place.”
Kiriyuu-kun still said nothing.
“We had a number of discussions after that, and then it was class observation day. When we presented, I said that having my mother and father there made me happy. What I said wasn’t a lie, but I didn’t get to explain that it’s not all there is to happiness. What you presented wasn’t what you were really thinking either, was it?”
No reply.
“When we had our review session afterwards, I asked you why you thought that about happiness, but you couldn’t answer. But I didn’t come here to talk about the fact that you lied, so let’s keep going.”
Nothing still.
“Starting here are the discussions that we had while you weren’t at school. The discussions continued with Hitomi-sensei taking your place. It wasn’t much different from how we did it when you were here, but this time I thought about why I feel happy when I do.”
“Why?”
Kiriyuu-kun interrupted me at last, without any preamble. It was so soft that I probably would not have heard it if my hearing had not been as good as it was.
I was not surprised to hear him. Kiriyuu-kun was kind, and I knew that he could never do something as horrible as ignore a classmate.
“Why what? Why was I partners with Hitomi-sensei? That’s because our class is an even number. It’s good that no one else besides you was away.”
“No…”
There was silence this time before he spoke again. It was probably because he had taken a number of deep breaths. Deep breathing was necessary, after all, for opening up your heart.
I waited for a long while. I would wait for as long as I had to. I felt as though I could hear his soft breathing from the other side of the door. I’ll say it once more: Kiriyuu-kun was kind. So, if I waited, he would respond. I was certain of it.
“I’m not…talking about…Hitomi-sensei…I’m talking about…you.”
See?
“Me?”
Even with the door between us, Kiriyuu-kun could probably see how I tilted my head. Even if other people couldn’t see it, I’m sure that he could. That’s the impression I got, anyway.
“Why…?” he asked again.
“Mm?”
“Why…did you come back?”
Aha. I patted my fist onto my palm in realization. “You mean,” I asked. “Why did I come back, after you told me not to?”
“Yeah…”
“If you don’t want me to be here, I’ll leave right now.”
There was no reply. Instead, he asked me the same question.
“Why?”
“Okay?”
“How come?”
“Mm-hm?”
“Why do you care so much about me?”
His voice sounded different this time. Previously, he had wanted a reason. Now he sounded as though he truly did not understand.
I’m sure that the two “why”s carried incredibly different meanings for Kiriyuu-kun. However, that had nothing to do with me. I already had answers to both of those questions.
“Well, that’s easy. Because I decided to come, and because I decided to care.”
“No, that’s, uh…”
“And because I like your drawings.”
I sensed his breath stop on the other side of the door. I held no illusions that he had suddenly died or something, so I continued.
“People who can make things that I can’t are amazing. The sweets that Granny makes, the stories Minami-san writes, the pictures you draw. I can’t make any of those, so I think it’s amazing. That’s why I’m always saying how amazing you are.”
I wouldn’t try to force him to show them off anymore. Forcing him to do so when he didn’t want to wouldn’t make him happy.
“Minami-san is a friend of mine, though I haven’t seen her in a while.”
“You…have a friend?”
I was a little peeved at that. I was not angry, but people at least needed to be made aware when they had said something rude.
“Seriously? Even I have friends. I have very wonderful friends.”
“Oh, I see.”
Yes, that’s right, I indicated with a nod.
“Ah!”
Just then, a shout came from Kiriyuu-kun’s room. Had he spotted a bug or something? Serves him right for making fun of me, I thought with a smug little grin, when suddenly he called to me from within, sounding much more harried than normal. I prepared myself to be annoyed when he asked me to come in and deal with the bug for him, but instead, he said, “K-Koyanagi-san, shouldn’t you be getting to school?”
“Ah…that time already, is it?”
I did not have a wristwatch or a cell phone, so I had no way of telling how much time had passed.
“Won’t you…be late?”
“Doesn’t matter. I don’t need to go to school.”
He seemed surprised at this. Rightfully so, to hear someone as diligent and clever as me say such a thing.
“I-I think you should go…”
“But you aren’t going, are you? It’s fine. I have something more important to take care of, anyway. Kids in our class have gotten time off for their relatives’ weddings and stuff anyway.”
“Something…more important…?”
“Finding happiness with you.”
As far as I was concerned, this was far more important than going to school. I wanted to be his ally. At first I thought that this was only because Hitomi-sensei had told me to do so, but as I thought about it, I realized something. I had always felt that way, deep down. Nothing had changed. I wanted to be allies with the kind and gentle Kiriyuu-kun, who was the only one to talk to me when I was feeling down. Who was the only person who spoke to me when no one came to my observation day. That was all. The sweet Kiriyuu-kun who never ignored me, even when he said he hated me. Yes, that was all.
All that had changed was how I hoped to do it. Previously, I made that feeling known by fighting on his behalf, now I would find out how to become happy alongside him. That way sounded like a lot more fun, so I decided to continue our discussion of happiness, even putting aside all we had talked about in school.
“So, I’m gonna ask again: What does happiness mean to you, Kiriyuu-kun?”
“K-Koyanagi-san…”
He seemed troubled, probably because I was no longer referring to him as “spineless,” just as I would be shocked if Kiriyuu-kun suddenly picked a fight. Or as shocked as I was when Ogiwara-kun ignored me.