“That seems like a lot of work…”
“I mean, we’ll start off with activities that won’t be boring with just the two of us. You don’t have to do anything that makes you unhappy. We can leave the range of activities pretty wide open, though. Oh, we’ll have to make sure we stick to our principles, so we don’t just seem like some weird adults.”
Her vision was expanding outward infinitely with no destination in sight, and I had a front row seat.
“Um, a mission statement such as…?”
“Becoming our ideal selves within four years.”
“Ah.”
She really is chock-full of embarrassing quips, I thought. I felt such strong secondhand embarrassment that I nearly let out an awkward laugh myself but did not. I still had my principles.
That said, I got the feeling I was about to be swept up into some strange organization just because I sympathized with my hypothetical friend’s sorrows. So I asked a question that was somewhat belittling, with a nuance that suggested it wasn’t.
“You know, I always have to wonder how it is that you can live your life thinking about such overambitious ideas.” What I hoped to imply was that I was not capable of the same, so I would not be participating.
“It’s not overambitious, it’s what’s inside my heart! But, I mean, trying to become the person that you want to be is something that everyone thinks about, right?”
Not really.
Obviously, you had to think about what you were going to do after college. I, at the very least, did not spend my days pondering my ideal self the way Akiyoshi seemed to.
“Hm, I mean, I’m not really that much of a positive thinker.”
“Is that being positive? Honestly, if I had to put a label on it, I’d say that seeing your current self in a less favorable light is more like negative thinking. If I was to become the sort of adult that I never wanted to be, some sort of authoritarian people pleaser who always cared about what other people thought, I’d rather be dead.”
As her so-called friend, it occurred to me that things would be a lot easier for Akiyoshi if she were to become that sort of person.
“Also, I guess that becoming your ideal self might be overambitious if you imagined yourself as an ally of justice or something silly like that. But much smaller dreams are just as valid. Like living by a personal code!”
“A personal code?”
“Yeah. The sort of thing that you can never discard. It’s that important. You must have at least one principle like that.”
I closed my mouth and averted my eyes, to evade her steadfast gaze.
A personal code.
The philosophies by which I lived my life were something deeply engrained within me. However, I was unsure if that was something safe to voice. The only thing that gave me push was the simple fact that I realized that all I’d lose here by facing her criticism was the time spent listening to her lectures. So, I decided to try telling her about my personal code.
“I’m not sure it counts as my personal code, but I always try to be careful not to get too close to others or to directly contradict anyone’s opinions, I guess. As long as I do that, it reduces the chances of me hurting others, and as a side effect, protects me as well.”
I remember Akiyoshi’s face clearly after she heard this short and dry little spiel of mine. Her eyes were wide open, her mouth tightly shut. I was certain that this philosophy was one that Akiyoshi, who always loudly voiced her opinions in the pursuit of becoming the person she wanted to be, could never agree with. It was only natural that she would be lost for words, I was sure.
However, instead she said, “Wow, that’s really nice of you.” Her eyes were still open wide. “That means that you don’t want to hurt anyone, right? I had no idea you thought about stuff like that. Like, what the heck? You’re a really nice guy, Kaede.”
“I don’t really think that’s nice, per se.”
“No, it’s super nice! Wow… Honestly, that’s an amazing way of thinking.” She nodded profusely, huffing through her nose.
Not once had anyone ever affirmed me in that way. Again, she looked at me with those eyes of hers. Whenever she did that, I could not dismiss her opinion. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I suddenly realized that somewhere, in some corner of my heart, some small amount of kindness might actually exist in there.
“C’mon, you have to do this with me.” Her gaze burned brighter.
“…I really hate standing out, though.”
“Well then, in secret. If it’ll get you to agree to it. It can be a secret society.”
“A secret society?” I uttered reflexively, hearing this childish proposal come flying out of her mouth.
As though this in fact embarrassed Akiyoshi as well, she averted her eyes, waving her hands in front of her face with a, “Well, something like that…” I couldn’t help but smile at seeing her so uncharacteristically flustered.
“Well, I’ll think about it.”
“Okay.”
“So, what’s the name of this secret society?” I said, half-teasing.
Akiyoshi jutted out her lip and then pointed at my T-shirt, saying, “Something for which there’s no confirmed theory about its purpose or function.”
“A moai?”
On the front of my T-shirt, which I had just happened to pick up somewhere or other, was a caricature of a moai statue in profile. Not wanting to orient myself strongly in any particular direction, this vagueness put me at ease.
I suppose that was the day it all began. I started getting together with Akiyoshi more than I ever had before, and it was perhaps then that the pretense of our shared friendship truly vanished. It was not the university life that I had hoped for from the outset, but from there on out, an exhilarating time began. No matter how quiet or passive I remained, Akiyoshi always had something new and exciting to bring.
And then, one day…
“Kaede!”
“Hm?”
“Say cheese!”
As I sat beside Akiyoshi in the usual lecture hall, she suddenly called my name and grabbed me by the shoulder, taking a selfie of us both with a digital camera before I could comprehend what was happening.
“Huh? What’s with the photo?”
“I just bought this camera. Pretty cool, huh? I’ll send you the pic later!”
“Test shot?”
“Yep. I can take pics anytime I like now, so it’s best to get some practice in.”
When I finally got the file for the picture from my sharp-tongued friend, I saw myself looking at Akiyoshi in confusion, and Akiyoshi with a wide smile upon her face. From then on, taking photos became part and parcel of our Moai activities, but thinking about it now, that was the only time that the two of us ever took a picture together.
Then, another time…
“It’s ready!”
“What is this?”
I took the item that was offered to me, finding myself holding a plastic keychain. It depicted a cartoon moai head.
“Awesome, right? We can hang it on our bags, as a mark of our membership.”
“Uh…but aren’t secret societies supposed to not stand out?”
“Jeez, you still on about that? It’s fine, Kaede! I’ll be the one to wear it. You just keep yours somewhere safe.” By that point, Akiyoshi was always calling me by my given name. I eventually ended up putting my keys on the keychain, though I never told her that.
Then, another time.
And another time.
And another time.
I came to realize that Akiyoshi was spending the majority of her time at university with me, and so just once, I had to ask.
“Shouldn’t you be hanging out with other girls sometimes?”
“I prefer hanging out with guys. You don’t have to worry about stuff as much.”
It had occurred to me that Akiyoshi probably had very few people she could call friends, and I understood that life in feminine society must be difficult for a person like her.
There were plenty of times when she did not smile. Her face hardened when she read the news, and when she grew angry at someone’s opinion, she cut them with a sneer. By the time I realized that though, I was already well beyond thinking that she was someone to be avoided. I recognized this, and I understood her. The embarrassing behavior, the naiveté that she possessed, always chasing after her ideals, after the truth, were things that I did not share.
“By the way, Kaede. Thank you for accepting me,” she said suddenly one day, sometime after our first meeting, I believe when we were on the way back from some museum we had visited.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I mean, you once told me that you try to avoid getting close to people, so that you can avoid hurting them just by living. So, I’m glad that you accepted me as your friend when you could have just turned me away the first time I ever spoke to you. Without you, I’d be really lonely at school.”
By then, I was already beyond thinking what an embarrassing thing that was of her to say. Akiyoshi was the sort of friend who could think those things and say them aloud.
“Woooooow, awkward. What’s with this all of a sudden?”
“That’s so rude! I’m opening my heart up here!”
I still remember the way we laughed that day.
Even though Akiyoshi’s laughter is no longer part of this world.