The moment class started, she clammed up right away, looking dutifully ahead. I was not quite so dutiful, but I faced forward anyway, lending my ear to the lecture, quietly, dazedly pondering the fact that Akiyoshi’s “later” had in fact come to be. However, I need not have been so fixated on this. About an hour into class, I was made aware of what was perhaps the most important fact about her of many.
There came a voice.
“Pardon me. Can I ask a question?”
Once more, there was no need for me to search for the source of this voice. Seriously? I thought. Once again, she was right beside me, only this time, I knew her voice. I looked over to see her hand yet again boldly raised.
The lecturer this time was far kinder to her.
“Oh, sure. You’re paying tuition after all, might as well participate in the class. What’s up?” said the teacher, permitting her to speak.
“Thank you,” she said. I already had some prediction about what it was she was going to ask, but when that prediction came true, I regretted having thought it. Once more, her voice resounded throughout the room with a statement of childlike opinion, disguised as a question.
This time I did not silently belittle her—I was merely stunned. That time in the cafeteria, I had come to believe she was at least somewhat of a normal person. However, my bewilderment was a little premature. From elsewhere, I heard words of disbelief.
“Again?”
I understood the sentiment, one hundred percent.
It was time for me to revise my opinion about Akiyoshi. Akiyoshi was not just annoying—she was dangerous. She was not someone to associate with.
I pretended to focus on the lesson, taking care not to glance even once at this dangerous person sitting beside me. I understood now; this was why no one approached her, why she would even bother to remember me and strike up such a friendly conversation. Apparently, other people’s senses of danger were even more finely honed than mine.
There was, perhaps, still time to get out of this.
While I half-watched as, like before, the lecturer rebutted Akiyoshi with a grimace, I began contemplating some evasive maneuvers. For now, all I could do was simply run. The moment class ended, I stood up, handed in the impression survey that I had already filled out during class, and left the room, not once looking Akiyoshi’s way. That would afford me at least a momentary measure of peace. When it came to next Monday’s lecture, when we would cross paths yet again, I would simply wait until the very last moment to enter and take my seat; same with the class we had just finished. Then, sooner or later, Akiyoshi would forget about me. There were tons of other people at this school.
There was no reason that it had to be me.
And so, I could not even begin to understand why it was that, just then, she came running up to me.
“Oh God, why?”
“Why what?”
“…Uh, nothing. I was just thinking about something.”
Without me ever determining the reason why, somehow, before I knew it, two months had passed since our first meeting. Already I had resigned myself to spending every Monday fourth period, and the late lunch after, with her. Due to my own shortcomings, I was unable to push away someone so clingy, and so I had kept up the pretense of her acquaintance.
I started to pick up the fried whitefish that I always seemed to be eating, before placing it back down on my plate. “You know,” I said, “you really need to stop attention-grabbing so much attention during lectures.”
“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, Tabata-kun, but I’m not attention-grabbing! I just want to be certain about the facts.”
“Yeah, but all it does is make you stand out.”
I had come to realize that, surprisingly, there was no real harm in just keeping on as her conversation partner.
“Well…I mean, I think it helps the lesson if the professor realizes that there are students with opinions that differ from what they’re teaching in the lecture. During our lecture just before, I was thinking, ‘Idealism isn’t the same as an ideal.’ An ideal is something that you should strive for, but idealism sneers in the face of that. Peace clearly isn’t built on the back of war, it’s built on the back of more peace. At least, that’s what I think.”
There was no real harm in it, but there was no mistaking that being deemed her friend was an incredibly vexing thing. Partly as a means of silently arguing against her, I once more picked up my fried fish. If I were to voice an opinion now or do anything that might imply I was invested in this conversation, she would just argue herself blue in the face until we were both in accord. It wasn’t out of a desire to beat her opponent down so much as sincerely wishing to understand the thoughts of people with differing opinions from her own and amend her own opinion if necessary.
I really hated that part of her. It was this vexing part of her that kept her so clearly ostracized from the people around her. Plenty of times when Akiyoshi was not around I had overheard disparaging whispers about her.
“An ideal is something that you should chase until you can seize it.”
As always, I kept quiet under the unerring gaze from those big, round eyes of hers, poking at my salad as a diversion. Thinking about it now, those eyes were perhaps the very reason that I had not managed to shake Akiyoshi at all during those two months. At some point or other, within the many times each week that I would make her acquaintance, I had come to discover a certain purity to her, beyond all that vexing naiveté. It was a purity that was certain that the things she believed in could be brought to fruition with effort and that with the power of that belief, they would come true.
However, I believe the reason this so pained me to see was that I could recall, in some small way, having thought similar things myself in the past, which meant that my opinion of her was based somewhat on my embarrassment at my own past self. Looking at her from afar, one would take her for a simple idiot. However, when faced directly with that purity, it was difficult for me, at the very least, to completely write her off.
Had I cut all ties with her at that moment, she would not have had any particularly sour feelings toward me, but it still would give me a bit more freedom than the times when others thought it was best to cut off ties with me and treat me as a stranger. Rather than hate that about me, Akiyoshi accepted me. As a result, within those two months, the whispers surrounding her had begun to spread to me as well.
This was not the university life I had hoped for.
“That reminds me, what was the Study of International Relations club like?”
“Mm, I dropped in on one of their meetings, but I didn’t really vibe with it,” Akiyoshi said, laughing it off, but the truth was all over her face. More than likely, there had been those present who had already come to the conclusion that they did not care for Akiyoshi. At least once, I had seen an upperclassman directly express their disdain for how often she interrupted class. I got the impression that something had happened with the aforementioned Model UN as well.
“Gonna go check out any other ones later?”
“Well, by the time we’re juniors we’re going to end up pretty busy with classwork, and I get the feeling that the first two years are going to be pretty focused on self-directed studies…” she trailed off, but there was obvious disappointment on her face.
“If you really want to join an activity, maybe you should start something up yourself,” I consoled, halfway joking.
“Mmm!” Akiyoshi suddenly shouted through a mouth full of hamburger steak.
“…What?”
“That’s a great idea!”
She swallowed the bite that was already in her mouth and stared at me with her usual intense eyes. I knew in that moment that I made a mistake.
“A club… That’s it. I could start one! Why did I never think of that?!” She took out a memo pad and started scribbling something on the paper. “Waiting around to find somewhere that’ll accept me is a waste of time. I don’t know how I never realized that. Thanks for the advice!”
Her cheeks pinked in elation.
“No, uh, that’s…not what I was getting at.”
“How many people do you think we need to apply for a charter? Five, maybe? I’d need to officially confirm that, but there’s already two of us here, so I think we just need three more.”
“Wait, are you including me in that number?”
“Well, I mean, it was your idea, Kaede! And we’re friends, aren’t we?!”
We had already reached the point where Akiyoshi sometimes called me by my first name. I assumed it was to lessen the awkwardness of asking favors or thanking me.
I hardened my face just enough to not overtly dampen her enthusiasm.