FROM THE MOMENT I opened my eyes in the morning, all I could think about was the bothersome tasks I would have to attend to all day. As a testament to my displeasure, upon merely raising myself up from my futon, I heaved a sigh as though it had already taken up all of my energy for the day to do so.
Regardless, I changed dutifully into my interview suit, picked up my bag, and stepped out of the house, wondering all the while exactly what it was that I was moving my body for. I suppose social sensibilities, or some vague sense of unease.
I grabbed some bread on the way to the station to fill my stomach and stepped onto the train along with all of the salarymen who were running late. The suited figures on the car seemed to be collectively carrying baggage far heavier than the large parcel in my arms.
The train arrived at a station in the business district, one which I had disembarked at many times before in the past few months. At this point, there was no excusing ever letting my facial muscles start to atrophy, so I put on as lively an expression as I could, one that would be, objectively, societally acceptable.
As I exited the turnstile, I took out my smartphone, confirming the location of the business I was visiting today, as well as the name of said business and what their industry was. I crammed information about so many different companies in my head every day that I often forgot which one was which. Basically, I only ever got a strong enough impression from each of these places for them to be totally forgettable, but as long as I prepared suitable enough questions and answers, they would never know that; or at the very least, even if I did fumble, I could show them that I had the chops to cover that up.
I navigated my walking route via a map, arriving properly at the office building in question ten minutes before the appointed time. I wondered what the adults who worked here felt when they showed up for duty at this towering building every day. Perhaps it at least helped them feel as though they were maintaining some measure of self-respect.
I straightened my spine, put on a casual smile, and plunged into the enemy stronghold. I passed through the automatic sliding doors and headed for the spacious elevator lobby, finding two people already waiting there. There was a grinning man who looked to be in his later twenties and a woman similarly clad in interview attire. One could tell at a glance that they were a recruiter and a job hunter. I had a fundamental dislike of job hunters, so I kept my distance. Still, I was able to overhear much of their conversation while waiting for the elevator to arrive. The recruiter seemed overly familiar with the woman, the woman speaking in an oddly flirtatious fashion. Just as I was quietly wondering whether she might not be aiming to sleep her way into a job, the elevator arrived, and I stepped in.
I assumed the pair might board the elevator together, but as I waited inside, the woman bowed her head, said a thanks and some parting words to the recruiter, and then the man stepped through the open doors alone. It seemed their interview or whatever had concluded. The pair continued chatting until just before the doors closed, and I wondered whether I should go ahead and push the “door close” button, when at the very tail end of the conversation, I heard some unforgettable words from the recruiter.
“All right, see you at the Moai meet.”
Though there was no way I was going to let the businessman beside me see my reaction, internally, my mood immediately soured. So that girl went to my school, then.
The recruiter disembarked at the third floor, leaving me alone for the rest of the ride up to the ninth floor. I took the opportunity to heave a sigh and then steadied my breath, once more straightening up my spine and fixing my expression.
There was a reception desk immediately outside of the ninth-floor elevators. I approached with a smile and gave my name.
“Hello, my name is Tabata Kaede. I have an appointment for an interview,” I said with an award-winning smile. The receptionist showed me to the waiting room, where there were two other students with the same smiles on their faces—smiles that looked as though our faces had been permanently frozen in place.
It was enough to assure me of how desperately unnerving the creatures known as job hunters were.
Though I had not physically exhausted myself whatsoever, by the time I returned home I was exhausted nonetheless.
After my arrival that morning, I had attended one interview and one information seminar. I collapsed the moment I made it to my living room, loosening the necktie that I was expected to wear on a daily basis but could never truly get used to. I would probably wrinkle my interview suit that way, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I was supposed to have used my last three years as a grace period to recharge my batteries, but instead I was about to hit rock bottom. Going through the motions of job hunting in earnest had thoroughly exhausted me.
Thus, it was probably good that I received the call when I did. I waited dutifully until the third ring and then picked up.
“Tabata Kaede of XX University speaking. Yes, oh no, thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak with me. Yes. Of course. Oh, thank you very much! Yes, I understand. Yes. Thank—oh, yes, thank you so much. Yes, well then, mm-hmm, I will talk to you later. Yes, thank you very much. Goodbye for now.”
I hung up the phone, suddenly noticing that I had at some point started kneeling seiza-style. All of the tension then flooded from my body, and I fell back onto the floor. There was no point in me even worrying about wrinkles anymore.
The call had been from the last company I had spoken with today. The call’s contents? “We would be absolutely thrilled to hire you, Tabata-san.”
In other words, I was in the home stretch.
“All right…”
I looked up at the ceiling just above me, speaking tentative words of triumph, but there was no joy behind those sounds. The problem was not that this company was not my first choice. It was a large corporation and there were no unsavory rumors about it, so I should have been thrilled. I was also relieved not to have to go through the interview process again. However, I was immediately stricken with a feeling of anxiety. In an instant, I had become a full-fledged member of society. I had only spoken any words of joy because I knew that while this decision was only still tentative, this was a joyful thing as far as my position in society.
It was just that my emotions did not actually agree.
I got it in mind that I might go to sleep right then and there, enjoying the warm May weather, but I realized that there were still some things I needed to do and stood up. I changed into some sweatpants and took out a happoshu from the refrigerator in the kitchen on the other side of the doorway, heading for my computer desk. I tapped away on the keyboard (which was short one Shift key) and logged into my Hotmail account. I had to e-mail the HR departments of all of the companies I was interviewing at, including the one I had just interviewed at today, and let them know that I had accepted an offer and would no longer be continuing the interview process.
I pried up the pull tab on the can, taking a sip of the happoshu. I tried to imagine how it might feel to be a personnel manager turned down by a hopeful student. It probably just meant that it narrowed down the pool of people they had to reject. Thinking about it that way made this a little easier.
Just as I had finished draining the can, my vision began to swim. I could feel the alcohol buzzing in my skull. I did not even have to wonder if it was because I was tired. I leaned back into the chair and again looked up to the ceiling.
The ceiling was still clean and white. I had once tried smoking a cigarette, but I found it didn’t suit me.
The thought suddenly occurring to me, I picked up my phone and sent Tousuke a text letting him know about my offer. Immediately, I got a reply of, “’Gratz!” and was relieved to know that there was at least someone I could be myself around.
I tossed my phone onto the desk and dazedly returned to the grind.
Thinking about it, job hunting was all about pretending over and over again not to be yourself. That’s why I was so tired.
However, I doubted that was merely an issue restricted only to job hunting. It was sure to continue into my professional life, and I would need to be even more cautious. I had tried to get some practice with this working part-time jobs, but it was nowhere on the same level.