“Hino and I chose this for you because we thought you might like it. It’s a handmade bookmark.”
To be completely accurate, Tooru was the one who gave me the souvenir. He took the elegantly wrapped bookmark out of his bag and handed it to me. I hadn’t expected to get a present.
“What? For me?”
“Yeah. Tooru was the one who saw it and thought you’d like it,” Maori said.
“No, I… Okay, yes, I did.”
“Why did you try to deny it? Are you shy?”
“No, I am not shy. By the way, Hino said these cookies from the zoo were really good, so I picked some up without telling her. I brought some tea in my thermos, too, so how about we eat them together?”
He’d not only made the Maori on the day of their date happy; he was also bringing today’s Maori joy with his present. It had been a long time since the three of us talked, and we really enjoyed our conversation. That day, I realized that even I had a feminine side. It was the first time a guy had ever given me a present. It was just a small thing, a bookmark that probably cost a few hundred yen. But Tooru had picked it out for me.
I kept glancing at his face as the three of us talked. And my heart ached—it was a bittersweet feeling. After a while, he said he was going to the bathroom and left the classroom. Once he was safely out of earshot, Maori timidly said, “Hey, I was wondering…”
“What? Can you believe Kamiya kept those cookies secret from you?”
“Izumi…do you by chance have a crush on Tooru?”
Time froze.
Ideally, I shouldn’t have paused, because in a way, I was confirming her suspicions. But a thought flitted across my mind. What would happen if I told her I liked him? What would happen if I said, Yes, I do like him? She would probably be surprised. She might think I was joking. Or she might think I meant I liked him as a friend. But if she did realize I meant it in a different way…she might smile sadly and say, So you finally like someone.
And then what would I do? Since they were a couple, would I say she didn’t need to worry about me? Would she go along with that?
You’re very important to me, too. So if you liked him…I would be worried I was getting in the way.
I recalled what she’d told me before. If I said I liked him, it might not just make her sad—it might cause something even worse to happen. I knew I wasn’t overthinking. She was that kind of person. She was like Tooru. She put her friends’ happiness before her own. Maori would tell herself that Tooru would be better off with me because of her amnesia…
In front of me, she would probably act like it was no big deal to break up with him. What would Tooru do then? Would he push back, insisting that he wanted to stay together? Probably not. In all likelihood, he would respect her decision, assuming she had her reasons for doing it. And…they would part ways. In the worst-case scenario, they would genuinely break up.
Then what would I do? If Tooru was single, would it be okay to tell him I liked him?
At that point, I realized something. My feelings for Tooru really were getting in the way. They only served to destroy Maori’s happiness. In which case, they’d be better off not existing. They’d be better off disappearing. Fortunately, Maori couldn’t retain memories. They didn’t remain unless she wrote them in her journal.
“What? I’m so surprised, I froze for a second. Me, like Tooru? No way, that’s impossible,” I said, making a strong effort to smile.
“…Really?” she said, giving me a slightly searching look.
I repeated my answer from before, like I only saw the outer appearance of others. Like I was a shallow person. I reeled off those stale lines to convince Maori I had no feelings for Tooru.
But I didn’t leave it at that. I couldn’t.
“I hate to ask you this, Maori, but would you mind not writing down what you asked me today in your journal?”
“Why not? If I don’t write it down, I might ask you again,” she said, puzzled. I put on a faint smile and answered jokingly.
“That’s fine, I’ll just say the same thing again. If you write in your journal that you asked me if I like Kamiya…even though you know I have absolutely no interest in him, since he and I are friends, I would be so embarrassed if he ever read your journal, and it would be awkward. So, please? Just to make your best friend happy?”
If I didn’t say that, she might have written down our conversation. This was the second time she’d asked. That was clearly unnatural. Once her memory was reset and she was reading her journals objectively, it might strike her as odd. Like she must have had a reason for asking me twice.
“Okay, I promise not to write it down. You know I can’t say no to you,” she said.
And she kept her promise. The next day, when I saw her, I said, “By the way, about the thing I asked you to do yesterday…” She gave me a genuinely confused look. She couldn’t have possibly faked that reaction.
“Um, I’m sorry, Izumi. What did you ask me to do?”
“I’m getting behind on studying…”
After that, I promised myself I wouldn’t make the same mistake again. When the three of us were together, I did my utmost not to focus on Tooru. I kept my conversations with him as short as possible without seeming unnatural. I didn’t steal glances at him when he was looking the other way. I thought that would do the trick. Unfortunately…
Who was the poet who originally came up with that famous saying? It’s included in all sorts of books and proverb dictionaries and websites listing famous quotes.
You can’t hide love or coughs.
“Maybe I’m misreading this…but do you by chance have a crush on Tooru?”
“Izumi…do you like Tooru?”
“Hey, I was wondering, is Tooru your type?”
“…Sorry if this is a weird question, but do you…?”
No matter how many times I tried to redo the situation, Maori always seemed to notice my feelings. It wasn’t that she was trying to warn me so that she could keep him for herself. She was asking because she simply, innocently wondered if she was getting in my way.
The problem was on my end. I shouldn’t have been interested in him.
At the start of summer vacation, I completely stopped interacting with him. Sometimes, I hung out with Maori, but if Tooru was there, I stayed away. The previous summer, I’d felt lonely because we weren’t hanging out as a group, but in the summer of our third year, I intentionally avoided hanging out as a threesome.
Maybe because he knew I was studying for university entrance exams, Tooru never mentioned it. When summer vacation ended, I ran into him in the hallway. I hadn’t seen him in a long time. Pain and affection welled up within me, making my eyes sting.
“Hi, Izumi!”
But Maori was by his side. Of course she was. They were always together at school.
“Did you lose weight, Wataya?” Tooru asked after I’d said hello to Maori.
“…The summer heat has been getting me down. Anyway, how are things going with Maori?” I asked.
“Fine. We’re getting along great.”
“Glad to hear it. I’m on duty today in homeroom, so I’d better be going. Bye, Maori.”
I smiled and left them. My mission was to reduce contact with Tooru to a bare minimum, while making sure it didn’t seem unnatural to Maori. After summer vacation, things continued on without a hitch. I thought I’d be able to hide my feelings that way. But that fall, something completely unexpected happened. My feelings were entirely exposed to Maori.