Before I knew it, summer was over, and fall had begun. My second year of university was almost half over. The autumn winds were cold, and maybe their piercing chill made me sentimental. I sat down alone on a bench on campus and thought back on everything that had happened this year.
In spring, I met Naruse and we started dating.
Before summer vacation, we broke up.
Maori and I still spent time together, smiling and laughing.
…But that wasn’t all. I had lied again. When Maori asked me if I liked anyone in high school, I told her I didn’t. But she’d simply forgotten. In high school, she’d noticed my feelings.
Izumi, do you by chance have a crush on Tooru?
The first time she asked me that was just before the end of our second year of high school, over spring break. That day, the two of them had insisted that I come with them to picnic under the cherry blossoms at the park where they’d gone on their first date.
And since the end of summer vacation, the pair had changed more notably. Maori, in particular. She’d never met Tooru prior to developing amnesia. So even though they were dating, he was almost a total stranger to her when she woke up every morning. Nevertheless, it seemed to me that now when she saw him, she got used to their relationship more quickly than she had before. She seemed to trust him completely.
The day of the picnic, when she and I were on our way home after saying goodbye to Tooru, out of the blue, she inquired timidly if I liked him.
“What made you think that?” I asked. “Also, me and Tooru?”
“I’m sorry to ask this so suddenly. Maybe I’m imagining it. I just…kind of feel like you might.”
I smiled wryly, waving dismissively to emphasize my point.
“No way. I care way too much about handsome faces to like him. Kamiya is a good guy…but I only like him in the sense that we have similar interests. He’s just a friend to me.”
Maori seemed reassured by my nonchalant answer.
“Really? That’s good to hear.”
“Seriously, though, why’d you ask?”
“No reason. It’s just that when I met him today, I could tell what a good person he was, and you’re very important to me, too. So if you liked him…I would be worried I was getting in the way.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. You two are already dating, so if anyone is getting in the way, it’s me.”
I tried to sound as natural as possible. But maybe because I knew she was paying close attention, I felt overly sensitive to the nuance of my own words.
If anyone is getting in the way, it’s me.
If I was honest with myself, I was already starting to fall for him.
Because we have similar interests?
Not just that.
Because he’s so good to my best friend, Maori?
That was part of it. But that wasn’t the main reason.
Because I realized how kind he is?
…Normally, people aren’t able to step outside of themselves. It’s impossible for them to care more about someone else than about themselves. They constantly weigh their options and choose what’s advantageous for them.
Or so I thought. Tooru showed me a side that I didn’t know existed. He cared about Maori more than he cared about himself, and he didn’t expect anything in return.
No matter how much he loved her and valued her, she forgot it all the next day. Even so, he did everything he could to make her daily life fun. He never complained, even though he must have gone through tough things himself. He was always smiling around her.
“Kamiya, how do you do it?” I asked him once when the two of us were alone, not long before we had our picnic under the cherry blossoms. The sky was a beautiful dusky pink behind him as he turned toward me.
“Because I love her,” he answered placidly, completely unruffled.
It hurt me. I never knew that watching someone smile could be so painful.
Why does it hurt so much?
I tried not to think about it. Instead, I asked in a self-mocking tone, “Just because you love someone, does that mean you’ll do anything for them? Personally, I don’t get that.”
“I don’t do anything. I do what I can,” he clarified.
“Is that true? You seem to be pushing yourself kind of hard for someone who’s just doing what they can.”
“I don’t do what’s impossible, and I couldn’t even if I tried. But if there’s something I can do with a little extra effort or something I want to do, then I feel happy to do it.”
I stared at him silently. I couldn’t grasp what he meant, but I wanted to.
At the same time, I was starting to realize something. The pain I’d felt earlier and my desire to understand him both suggested that I…
“My life before I met her was boring. I thought I knew all about living, and I never did anything stupid or crazy.”
Those words of his were seared into my memory. He smiled gently as he spoke.
“But now I simply enjoy my days with Hino. I truly feel like if there’s something I can do for her with a little extra effort, then I want to do it. She surprises me and makes me see things in a new light. She makes me feel like I want to be a better person.”
Up until a certain point, I thought Tooru and Maori were very different. But it was only a superficial contrast. I felt embarrassed. Humans have the ability to see the world with their heart, but I only saw it with my eyes. Once I looked with my heart, their similarities were obvious. No matter the situation, they were always thoughtful of others. They were able to understand other people’s feelings, to take them into consideration.
I thought about that conversation with Tooru as I walked home with Maori after the picnic that day. I wasn’t sure what had prompted her to ask me if I liked Tooru. All the same, her intentions came across. Even with amnesia, she had been considerate, worrying whether she was getting in the way of her friend’s crush. My denial should have expelled that concern. I didn’t let any of my inner turmoil show.
Spring break ended, and our third year of high school began. Due to her amnesia, Maori was transferred out of the advanced class, and the head third-year teacher arranged for her to join Tooru’s class.
As long as he was there, I wasn’t needed.
When she woke up every morning, she learned of her condition and read her journals and notebooks before going to school. Tooru would be in her class when she got there. He was her boyfriend, and unbeknownst to her, he knew about her amnesia. Tooru Kamiya, who tried to bring joy to her life every day.
Overwhelmed with studying for university entrance exams, I pretended not to notice my loneliness from being apart from Maori or my budding feelings for Tooru. Maori and I still texted and talked on the phone every day. We saw each other often at school. But instead of me, Tooru was always by her side.
When the three of us were together, we chatted like usual. Sometimes, in the middle of a conversation, Tooru would just stare, captivated, at her face. I could see the love in his eyes. Every time I saw it, my chest ached. I knew my own love had no outlet. But I should have been more careful. Because someone was right next to me, watching me watch him.
“Izumi…do you by chance have a crush on Tooru?”
It was the day after Golden Week when Maori asked me that for the second time. I knew that she and Tooru had been planning to go to the zoo over the break. They’d invited me, but I didn’t want to get in their way, so I told them I had to study. After school, the day after vacation ended, the two of them came to my classroom to give me a souvenir from the zoo.