August was almost over. Taking time off was well and good, but I couldn’t let myself get out of the groove of studying. I had to learn everything I’d missed during my second and third years of high school in one year. So I kept at it morning, noon, and night. I still made time to text with Izumi, though. Occasionally, I messaged Naruse, too. He’d started a part-time job a few days after we talked at the diner and seemed busy with that. I reread my journals during my study breaks, but I couldn’t find any clues as to whether Izumi had a boyfriend in high school.
One day when I was chatting with my mom, I brought up Izumi and Naruse. My parents know Izumi well and trust her. They are deeply grateful for what she did for me when I had amnesia. At first, my mom seemed pleased to hear that Izumi was dating a younger guy at university. But that changed when I mentioned the boyfriend from high school.
“Izumi never mentioned anything to me directly, but it seems likely she was interested in someone in high school,” I said. “A kind person who was good at housework… Someone who was family-oriented, I guess? Does that ring any bells, Mom?”
My mother froze. She stared at me wordlessly, then looked away.
“Mom?”
“Hmm? Oh, let’s see… I don’t know.”
She smiled reservedly. Was I imagining things, or did she look slightly sad? When I asked her what was wrong, she just shook her head.
“Nothing. I was just thinking about how old I’m getting,” she said, then added as if awestruck, “Izumi, too…”
I wanted to ask Izumi about it directly. But that would put Naruse in an awkward position. I imagined the conversation between us.
Hey, Izumi, did you like anyone in high school or date anyone?
What, why?
I was just wondering. You were so busy looking after me all the time.
She was sharp enough to know that if I said something like that out of the blue, I would have learned it from Naruse. But maybe if I broached the topic very carefully…for example…
One day in September when I had relatively little studying to do, I met up with Izumi in the afternoon to check out a new café.
It was popular among high school students. I’d seen groups of them in their uniforms chatting happily inside several times on my way home from test prep school. There were lots of photos of the place on social media, too. On this day, it was full of high school girls having animated conversations about fall semester tests and school and sports festivals. Watching them from the corner of my eye, I said out loud what I felt at that moment.
“Sometimes…I wish I could go back and have a normal high school experience.”
Izumi, who was joking around a moment ago, looked surprised. I was slightly shaken myself. My words had come out sounding more serious and emotional than I had intended. I smiled to gloss over the solemn mood and continued in a lighthearted tone.
“I mean, thanks to you, I enjoyed every day. If I never had amnesia, I would remember all of it. But more than anything, I just feel bad for what you had to do. Ha-ha!”
“Maori…”
“Oh, don’t take me too seriously. It’s just that you always had to accommodate my needs. I worry that you didn’t get to do the things you wanted to do. You never mentioned that you liked anyone back then, but did you? If it hadn’t been for me, maybe you and that person…”
I was trying to learn more about her, but I really did feel like I’d stolen her time and opportunities, and I felt horrible about it. Simultaneously, I felt renewed gratitude toward her.
“Maori, why are you asking me this all of a sudden?”
For a second, she looked serious, but then, maybe to match my mood, she brightened up.
“No reason, really, but you know I still reread my high school diaries on my computer. Everything in there is about me, and it made me wonder what was going on with you.”
I smiled, trying to lighten the mood. Her eyebrows were furrowed, but she still smiled back. With her mouth, at least. With that smile on her face, she sank into thought. She stared at the table. My heart was beating quietly but strongly. There might be things that Izumi has never told me. Maybe I’ll finally learn what they were today. That was what I thought.
“No, there wasn’t anyone. I didn’t have any high school crushes.”
That’s why I was so taken aback when she looked up at me with a smile and said that. She was gazing at me earnestly. I’d thought that by asking her about it, I would learn of her true feelings. I’d thought I would hear high school stories I didn’t know. But her gaze was completely calm and clear. It held no sense of deception or falsehood.
But perhaps it was too calm. Too clear, like an empty blue sky.
“Thanks for always being so considerate,” she said. “In high school, you used to say the same thing, that you felt bad I had to accommodate you.”
She glanced away, then grinned softly, tenderly. Then, she looked back at me and continued.
“But you know what? I had a lot of unique experiences thanks to you.”
She must have been talking about affectionately supporting a friend with memory loss—me. She would never mention this, but I know I must have been a real pain in the butt when I had amnesia. Yet Izumi had stuck by me all the same. And she was still making time for me.
She paused slightly, then went on.
“My life was boring until I met you. I felt like I knew all about life, and I never did anything stupid or crazy. But after I met you in high school… Maybe it’s bad to put it this way, but after things got a little hard for you, I felt like I learned something important about myself.”
She was looking directly at me, smiling calmly.
“Thank you, Maori. Thank you for being my friend.”
I…didn’t know that. I didn’t know she could smile like that. Like she held something dear and treasured and respected it from the bottom of her heart.
There was a light inside her. A light people couldn’t see. A warm, kind glow that maybe she herself didn’t even realize had emerged, like a wellspring. It hadn’t been there when I’d known her in high school. I wondered where she had gotten it from. Where had she found it? When had she changed?
As I sat there, quietly struck by this realization, she said thoughtfully, “I’m sorry, was that a bit too heavy?”
“What? Not at all. Just…thank you, Izumi.”
“Anyway, I enjoyed high school in my own way. But I’m sorry to say there was never anyone I liked or dated,” she joked.
That was the end of our conversation about high school. She never liked anyone or dated anyone then. That was what she decided. Or maybe it was the truth.
After we separated for the night, I sent a message to Naruse. I told him she’d said that she didn’t like or date anyone in high school.
Later, after I got back home, I got a reply. Thank you for letting me know. I realize you’re busy with studying. I’m sorry I pulled you into this!
I looked at it for a long time. There are so many kind people in the world. The world is overflowing with human emotions. As I was thinking about Izumi, my thoughts suddenly shifted to myself.
…What about me?
Did I like anyone in high school?
Maybe I didn’t have the capacity for it, since I had anterograde amnesia. There wasn’t any mention of a crush in my journal. But why hadn’t I developed feelings for anyone since recovering? No matter how kind or handsome or trustworthy a person was, I felt nothing for them.
It was like my heart was already devoted to someone else.
Later that fall, I found a drawing in my room of a guy I didn’t know. I was sure from the style that I had drawn it several years earlier. For some reason, it was tucked into the gap between my bookshelf and the wall, like I’d hidden it as if it was a treasure that I didn’t want anyone to take away. It was in the place where I used to keep important things when I was little.
When I saw that unfamiliar face, my heart started pounding.
I was confused by how hard it was beating. I felt like it was trying to tell me something. I wasn’t sure if I recognized him or not, and I didn’t think I knew him…but strangely enough, I also felt like I knew him very well.
It wasn’t until later that I learned who he was. That I learned who Tooru Kamiya was. How he was the boy I’d met when I had amnesia, the boy who I fell in love with…