“I told you to listen…” The forest sage sounded weary, but I was wearier. Asahina had actually collapsed on the ground, nodding in agreement. Even Koizumi’s smile lacked its usual crispness. The only person who wasn’t visibly worn out was Nagato.
“This is infuriating!” Haruhi said, angrily biting her nails. She wasn’t wrong, though.
We’d been wiped out five times. All because Haruhi kept charging in without a plan. Enter the cave, face the dragon, breath attack—same sequence five times in a row, same results every time. If we tried again, we would definitely wipe a sixth time, and I was getting fed up.
“Haruhi, maybe you should actually listen to the old man’s advice. Otherwise we’ll be doing this forever.”
She snorted, but plopped herself down, legs crossed.
Relieved, the sage began, “Then allow me to explain. You need to put the dragon to sleep. That will allow you to slip past it to find the key. To put it to sleep—”
He pulled a crystal ball from his pocket.
“Use this Orb of Sloth! But I cannot just give it to you. At my age, I suffer from the most awful joint pains. The best treatment for that is an herb growing on the western plains called the Gout Gagger! Fetch that for me, and I shall bestow this orb—”
The forest sage broke off because Haruhi leaped to her feet, drew her sword, and pointed it at his throat.
“Let’s skip the preamble,” she said, smiling like a mean mugger. “We can fetch your herb later. Give us the orb now, okay? We’re not your errand boys. We’re the hero and her brave compatriots. Our mission is to save the world, and don’t have time to be picky about how we do it.”
The old man’s jaw was hanging open, so Haruhi dropped her voice to a growl.
“One wrong move and things are going to get messy. I do believe in respecting the elderly—so don’t make me do something I’ll regret.”
The sage’s lips kept flapping. He probably didn’t think the world should be saved by a hero who was willing to steal a quest item.
“C’mon, Yuki. Snatch it from him.”
She was our thief. But you didn’t exactly need class skills to take an orb from an old man at knifepoint.
“…………”
Nagato walked over to him—not in any rush—and simply took it from his hand. She returned to her original position and resumed her silent statue routine.
“Between the end of the world and your rheumatism, I’m afraid my priorities are crystal clear. No hard feelings, yeah?” Haruhi sheathed her sword with a beautiful smile. “I mean, if the world ends, you can’t even grumble about back pain! You’re nothing without your life! Don’t worry, I won’t forget the herbs and stuff.”
She threw a hand up to the sky, as if commanding heaven and earth.
“Let’s do this, Kyon! Time to knock this dragon out then beat the tar out of it, gang!”
Was that the goal?
✦ ✦ ✦
No matter how we attacked it, the dragon was entirely unfazed, but we also didn’t accidentally wake it up or anything, so let’s call it a win.
After successfully obtaining the Demon Castle gate key, we went back out and found the forest sage still there, having learned nothing from his last encounter with our party. His brow was notably more furrowed.
“This is what we needed, right? So where’s this dude who wants to rule the world for no good reason? Spill the beans!”
“Ehrm…,” the sage said, licking his lips uncomfortably. “The key alone will not get you to the demon lord. At the depths of his castle, beyond a labyrinth, stands the Door of Delusions…”
“And where’s that key?” Haruhi said.
Growing steadily grimmer, the sage admitted, “In a dungeon beneath an abandoned town to the north of here. An underground temple wherein the demon lord’s loyal minion, the vile wizard, worships the god of darkness. He bears the Key of Delusions. But that land is under the sway of the god of darkness, and one does not simply walk in. To reach the dungeon, you need to bathe in the light of the Orb of Consecration.”
“Huh,” Haruhi said as her smile grew steadily wider.
“……I have the Orb of Consecration with me, but…well, you know I’m getting on in years… My eyes have been bothering me quite a lot. My condition can be cured by an herb found in the lands to the far west…” He let out a dreary sigh. “……the Eyestrain Eliminator. I would be happy to exchange the orb for some, if you’re willing……?”
He was clearly prepared to be mugged again, but Haruhi’s hand left the hilt of her blade.
“Are you really working for the good guys?” she asked, looking him over. “This seems pretty fishy. I’ve met old men before, but none of them worked up this phony-sounding rasp you’ve got! I’m not buying the act. Are you sure you aren’t the last boss in disguise?”
“Wh-whatever do you mean?!” the sage blustered.
“I bet the real sage is long since dead,” Haruhi said, twisting her lips. “You’re acting all nice and telling us about keys and orbs and whatnot, but you’re actually the demon lord, aren’t you? And this is how you plan to free the real boss you’ve been working for all along! Just as we think we’ve defeated the demon lord and are free to go home, a voice from nowhere will be all like, ‘I must thank thee, heroes! You have freed me from the shackles that once bound me! Well done!’ and then the real boss will appear with a crack of thunder!”
The sage looked to us for help. All we could do was shrug. If Haruhi’s idea was remotely accurate, this script sucked.
“That is not the case, I assure you…” The old man’s argument was rather feeble. “Hmm, it shouldn’t be. Perhaps it was, but…no, no, it is no longer. I’m sure of it. The demon lord is the only challenge, nothing beyond that. I am merely a kindly forest sage.”
Eager to prove his innocence, he pulled a crystal ball out of his pocket.
“I can endure my eyestrain. It is but a trifle compared to the fate of the world. Here, the Orb of Consecration. Help yourself to it, Haruhi the Hero. And…”
He pulled out yet another orb.
“This is the Orb of Banishment. It will momentarily halt the demon lord’s actions. I no longer care about the legendary Pan-Affliction Preventative that grows down south. For the sake of the world, I shall swallow my complaints.”
“Thanks,” Haruhi said, nodding but making no attempt to take the orbs. “But we don’t need your balls. Or these pain-in-the-ass keys. I only need to know one thing.”
The sage was gaping at her, but her eyes were gleaming.
“Where’s the demon lord’s castle? Give us the location, and we’ll work out the rest ourselves. I’m done wasting time. We just need to take him out, right? We’ll make it happen, so just point us in the right direction. Come on, spit it out.”
“But…,” he stammered, flabbergasted. “How? Even if you reach the castle, without—”
“Whatever,” Haruhi said before she flashed an impish smile at us. She looked from me to Koizumi, to Nagato, and finally Asahina. “I’ve got this incredible party. Why would I need to resort to all these cheap tricks? We’ll save the world as many times as you like. I bet we’ll make it look easy.”
She let out a laugh that was as bright as it was brainless.
“Why? Because I believe in us.”