“That’s enough time wasted, let’s spin the wheel again!” Shion-mama said. “The next person the arrow lands on will be Sei’s pair, and the two left over will pair up! Now spin, baby, spin!”
Now with just three viable quadrants remaining, the wheel spun up to top speed once more.
“There’s a baby on the way, there’s a baby on the way! ♪” Shion-mama sang.
“Sei-sama, how does it make you feel, seeing your girlfriend like this?” I asked.
“Happy, I suppose. Just look at that smile. Adorable.”
Yep. When it comes to these two, to get involved is to lose.
“Anyone but Sei. Anyone but Sei!” Nekoma prayed.
“Give me Awayuki-dono. Give me Awayuki-dono!”
Sei-sama snorted. “Forced procreation with a fellow Liver. Now you’ve got me excited.”
“I was okay with anyone, but after hearing that, I want anyone but Sei-sama,” I said.
The wheel gradually slowed once more. Our hopes, our dreams, our prayers all hung on that pointer!
[Nekoma Hirune]
“Nya-gyaaaaaaaaah!!!”
Now that is what we call “it’s always better to keep your damn mouth shut.”
Shion-mama squealed. “Ah ha haaa! Sei and Nekoma’s child! Little Birman-chan is born!”
“Birman? What’s that?” I asked.
“The Birman is a breed of cat also known as the Sacred Cat of Burma! Perfect for their child, don’t you think?” Shion-mama replied.
“You had that locked and loaded... You’ve fantasized about them before, haven’t you?”
“Shuwa-chan. You know what we do with perceptive brats like you?”
“Force them to have children?”
“Aha! ♡” Shion-mama started making noises of sheer bliss, the euphoria of her dream coming true proving too much for her.
“Every time... Why does this happen every single time...?” Nekoma-senpai, on the other hand, was somewhere between the fourth and fifth stages of grief.
It did seem like Nekoma-senpai was increasingly being dealt similar hands recently. Had she watched so many shitty movies and played so many shitty games that her life was now permanently debuffed to be kind of shitty?
“Whew. Mating complete,” Sei-sama said.
“What mating, the baby’s already born!” Nekoma-senpai snapped.
“Thank you for your service, Mr. Stork,” Shion-mama said.
“Go home and see your family sometimes, Mr. Stork! I do not remember asking for express delivery!” Nekoma-senpai snapped again.
: the cat that the lesbians dragged in
: congrats on your debut, Birman-chan!
: Mr. Stork: Farm-fresh babies, guaranteed!
: farm fresh...babies?
: #twosentencehorror
Okay, now that the baby is born... “What happens next?” I asked.
“Lots of things!” Shion-mama replied. “After the name comes Birman-chan’s appearance, personality, all that good stuff!”
“Okey dokey. Then let’s move on to appearance, shall we?” I said. Look at me, a seasoned professional at work. When even the host starts going off the rails, you can always count on me to wrangle the stream back on track.
Why that is even necessary—why the hosts seemingly keep going off the rails in this organization—well, that...is a different question for a different time.
“Ugh, why does Nekoma even bother...?” Nekoma-senpai muttered. It seemed she’d arrived at the same enlightenment I had a moment earlier. Without another word, this kind kitty humored her genmates and jumped right back into the discussion. “What are we talking about, appearance? Well, Nekoma’s petite and Sei’s...not so petite, so I suppose we’d end up somewhere in the middle?”
“Hello, girl next door!” Shion-mama said. “Oh, I wish I had a daughter like that so bad...”
“How about we make it so that she’s your average girl, but when she gets excited, she sprouts cat ears and a tail?” Sei-sama said. “Oh, me likey, me likey!”
“Please do not your own daughter,” I said. “What about you, Alice-chan, any thoughts?”
“...”
“Alice-chan?”
“Uh-oh.”
“‘Uh-oh’? Oh, you mean like ‘uh-oh, she’s too hot’?”
True. I could talk for hours about all the things I took issue with when it came to Sei-sama and Nekoma-senpai, but not one of those things would have to do with their models. Art and creative direction for their streamers was something Live-On absolutely did not miss, every single time.
Though, of course, the flip side of that was... “Personality, okay,” I said. “If we figure out her personality, then we can figure out the rest of her pretty easily.”
This was bound to be where things got problematic.
“Personality...” Shion-mama muttered. “Well, for Nekomaaa, that would be...”
“My love for shitty games and shitty movies.”
“And Sei’s would be...”
“My libido.”
“Mix those two things together and we get...”
“Coprophilia?”
“Okay, nope, let’s stop right there.” I felt a strong sense of duty then—a strong sense of duty to cut off Shion-mama before anything more could be said.
: LMAOOOO
: nooooooo
: time out, time out
: line status: crossed
: nice save, shuwa-chan
: libido is my personality is insane
“Nya. Nekoma agrees.”
“Fine, fine,” Sei-sama added.
“Huh? Why? What’s wrong?” Shion-mama said.
“Don’t ‘Huh? Why? What’s wrong?’ me! You and I both know why we can’t pursue that topic any further! People are eating while watching us. Hell, I’m drinking watching us!”
“Well, all right,” Shion-mama said. “But new life is precious, no matter who they might be...”
: Kirei Kotomine, is that you?
: we're gonna need some extra-spicy mapo tofu stat
: Live-On x Live-On = banhammer
: Not like Live-On content is safe for dinner on any other night
“Let’s tone it down a notch!” I said. “Really just a single notch!”
“One notch, huh?” Shion-mama said. “Then can we do something with the video game and movie aspect?”
“That’s a good idea!” I said. “Let’s explore that for a second. And what if we take ‘shitty’ not in the literal sense, but in the ‘bad’ sense?”
So, let’s see...libido times bad games and bad movies equals...
“A fetish for low-quality eroges and erotic videos?” Shion-mama said.
“Okay, let’s just— You know what, I don’t even know anymore,” I said. Not sure what I expected.
“Why?” Shion-mama said. “Am I wrong?”
“No, you’re not wrong!” I said. “It’s just, we can’t do this right now.”
“An interesting thought,” Sei-sama muttered. “Are we talking ‘bad’ in the ‘amateur’ sense? No, too pedestrian, it has to be something else. What do you think, Nekoma-kun?”
“Nekoma thinks this is outside of her wheelhouse...”
“See? You got mom and mom stumped!” I said.
“I’m the mom,” Shion-mama said.
“Huh? But no, that’s Sei-sama and Nekoma-senpai’s child...”
“But this game is my brainchild. I’m the one who wants children. Thus, I take sole and unconditional custody of all children born on this stream.”
“Okay, so that just sounds like kidnapping.”
: that's our child
: porn directed by a director with a fundamentally flawed understanding of what's hot and what's not?
: how did we let Shion-mama get this bad...
: kidnapping is also a line crossed
: crossing so many lines it's like a crosswalk
Shion-mama let out a drunk giggle. “She sounds like such a handful. I love her already.”
“Can we... Can we move on?” Nekoma-senpai said. “Nekoma’s a little tired... She’s gonna go lie down... Nya-nya...”
Shion-mama is satisfied, so mission accomplished? And good job, Nekoma-senpai. You’ve done your part, we’ll take it over from here...
Summing up the character profile for this first child, we get...
Name: Birman
Appearance: Girl next door (cat genes activate when excited/aroused)
Personality: Low-quality eroges and erotic videos
In a nutshell: GiRL NeXt DoOr