Chapter 129

After I was forced to retreat to my room to recuperate, Anis returned from the magicology city, having received an urgent dispatch from Lainie. Clearly concerned for my well-being, Anis flashed me a soft smile after I told her everything that had happened. “I see… So that’s it.” “Yes… Sorry for making you worry.” “This isn’t your fault, Euphie. Don’t beat yourself up about it.” “I suppose not…” I had been trying not to stress over my situation, given that Lainie would quickly sense my anxiety. Yet when I let my mind wander back to that incident, I couldn’t help but fret. Lainie tried to help whenever my mental state got too bad, but I felt guilty about troubling her all the time, so I made a conscious effort to endure in silence. Bringing this up always dampened my spirits. But that avoidance prevented me from realizing something vital, and only after Anis heard me out did I appreciate how naive I was. “Ugh. What a hassle.” She murmured quietly. I’m sure she didn’t even know she’d spoken aloud, but I knew it was how she truly felt. A bad premonition—a terrible warning—ran through my mind. Something was wrong. I couldn’t be entirely sure what it was, but my senses were telling me not to overlook this irregularity. I observed Anis carefully, trying to get to the bottom of this sensation. She, until then hanging her head, slowly looked up, and I could see her disappointment. “…Anis?” I called out uneasily. Yet she didn’t respond—to the point where I questioned if she had even heard my voice. The next moment, her lips curled in a soft smile—yet I still couldn’t bring myself to relax. Why? Because her eyes weren’t smiling at all. “Go and rest, Euphie,” she said at last. “I’ll take care of everything.” “…What are you saying, Anis?” “I’m the one he slandered, so I should be the one to settle it, right?” “Hold on a minute, Anis.” “It’s fine.” “What exactly is fine about that, Anis? What are you hoping to achieve?” Without realizing it, I reached out and grasped her wrist. Gently, she tried to pry my hand off, but I only tightened my grip, refusing to let go. Once she realized I wasn’t about to drop the matter so easily, she stopped trying to pull away. “I was wrong,” she said at last. “…About what?” “Everything. I was naive… I suppose I got complacent because it seemed my dreams were coming true. Or maybe I never gave it enough thought in the first place. I wasn’t self-aware enough. I wasn’t determined enough. I wasn’t working hard enough. And now it’s come back to haunt me.” She spoke quietly, as if she was talking to herself—and with every word, my anxiety grew. Why on earth was she punishing herself over this? “This is my fault,” she continued. “I can’t let you take the blame, Euphie. Don’t worry. I’ll handle it from here.” “Anis, explain to me what exactly you’re going to do. I won’t let go until you come clean.” She looked into my eyes. Despite her gentle expression, there was something unmistakably abnormal about the fire in her eyes. I had never seen her like this. Was that why I felt so nervous? Because I didn’t know what to expect? …No. Maybe it was more that I didn’t want to face reality until she spoke her intentions out loud. “Euphie, I’m going to crush the aristocrats from the west.” …Ah. My breath was barely audible as it escaped my throat. I could feel anxious sweat forming on my skin, and a bad taste was rising in my mouth. No, this wouldn’t do at all. …I had never seen Anis so full of rage. “Hold on a minute, Anis. Calm down, please.” “I am calm.” “You wouldn’t have said that if you were calm.” “I said it because I’m calm. This is only going to keep gnawing at you, and seeing as it took place in public, we can’t pretend it never happened. So it’s up to me, the one called into question in the first place, to resolve it. Right?” “That doesn’t mean crushing the western nobles…!” “No matter what I do, there’s no saving them. So what other choice do I have?” she said coolly. Her smile did not put me at ease. It was a chilling smirk that made me want to draw away from her. I knew her contempt wasn’t directed at me, but it still made me shudder. Her usual glow, as warm as the sun, was gone. Now, she was only icy—to the point where it felt as if I had a blade pressed up against my throat. I doubted she noticed my unease as she continued, “It was Count Leghorn who blew up the meeting, right? But if we punished him, it would look like we’re tacitly approving of the west’s corruption. And if we judged all the nobles based on his accusation, we’d be setting a dangerous precedent. So maybe we should just punish the ones who were at the meeting? If we do that, there would be no need to go after the whole lot of them.” “…Well…” “There’s no room for half measures. If we’re too easy on them, our reputations will suffer, so I have to bring them all into line. This isn’t on you, Euphie; it’s on me.” Anis’s voice was firm and decisive. The unsettling glint in her eyes told me she was dead serious. When she made up her mind, she absolutely meant it. I hated to admit it, but her will was ironclad. “I’m the one they’ve picked a fight with. If Count Leghorn is going to spread lies about my achievements, then I’ll face him head-on and smash him to pieces.” “Anis!” “The only reason the kingdom isn’t fully united is because I could never use magic. That’s all it is. Again and again, they keep hounding me for it… I’ve had it up to here with them.” I had no idea what to say to her. Until now, she had always laughed these things off with an air of resignation. Now, however, her response was different. “I was too naive. The nobles are always clinging to magic and tradition. If I let them run their mouths unchecked, the same thing could happen all over again. It’s better to crush every last one of them.” “Do you expect me to stand by and let you do that?!” I exclaimed, unable to bear it anymore. Anis’s outburst was simply too cruel. There wasn’t a shred of mercy in her. She was ruthlessly, bone-chillingly composed. Looking at her now, she reminded me of the time she went to confront Algard. She was suppressing her emotions, trying as best she could to push the conversation forward dispassionately. Witnessing her in this state was the last thing I wanted. My heart felt like it was being torn to pieces. “But I don’t want you to do anything of the sort! Who would be hurt most if you went ahead with that plan?! You would, Anis!” I cried, grabbing her by the shoulders. Anis, however, simply stared back at me in silence. Fighting the urge to flinch, I forced myself to meet her gaze. Her eyes were almost quivering with rage. “Are you saying I should sacrifice you to protect myself?” she fired back. “Don’t you know why I took the throne…?!” “I do. And I promised I would forgive a certain amount of unreasonableness. But this I can’t tolerate. I won’t forgive those western nobles for what they’ve done.” “Anis!” “…If I knew I’d be this disappointed, maybe I shouldn’t have had any expectations in the first place.” I felt so, so heavy. A weight was pushing down on my heart with every word she said, and I couldn’t bear it. How much easier life would be if I surrendered to these feelings, if I let Anis run amok until she was fully satisfied… If it means the kingdom’s destruction, then so be it—right? Because that was what was at stake here. She’d stepped aside willingly for the sake of the country, even as people were spreading terrible rumors about her. She’d responded with a simple smile when they accused her of being unqualified to lead. I respected her achievements more than anything else. I had cheered her on for as long as I could. I couldn’t begin to imagine the pain she had gone through to get as far as she had, only for her successes to go unrecognized. Now that I stopped to think about it, it was a miracle she had endured so much. After everything she had suffered, maybe it was okay for her to let loose? If she brought about the kingdom’s downfall, well, that was only natural. And yet… I clenched my jaw, letting out an unpleasant grinding noise. I had to resist the urge to get swept away by my emotions, although my teeth might be chipped in the process. No, this wouldn’t do at all. I couldn’t let Anis down. After all, I had sworn to protect her. “I won’t allow it, Anis.” “…Let go of me, Euphie.” “No! If I don’t stop you now, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life!” “…I already regret it,” she said, her eyes darkening. Her grin was devoid of strength. It was as if her muscles were weighted with lead, and she was fighting gravity. Had Anis given up on everything? Was this what it had all come to? I strengthened my grip as I held firm to her wrist. “If we’re talking about regrets, I’ve been carrying them with me for ages. How long do I have to keep swallowing them down? How much do I have to endure before my wishes become reality? How much longer do I have to struggle before I can feel truly at ease? Tell me, Euphie—when will I finally, honestly be able to forgive everything that’s happened?” “I don’t know…” “If all I do is sit around waiting, the answer is never. I have to change things myself. I don’t want to shed blood, at least not more than I must. I want to defend what Father and the others always protected. But in the end, it’s all futile.” “No, it isn’t! We’ve only just begun!” “Really? Can you honestly say that? I don’t care if people love their faith. It’s our culture, and it’s sustained the country for generations. Without it, we would never have been a united people. It’s because of everyone’s belief in spirits that the kingdom still exists. There’s no doubt about that,” Anis said, staring downward. I was unable to read her expression.