She placed her hand on mine. Was I imagining things? It felt unnaturally cold, as if the blood had frozen in her veins. “But times have changed. Royalty, too, and the aristocracy, and the common folk—nothing stays the same. The world never stands still.” “Anis…” “Time is like a current, and I don’t want to see it flow in the wrong direction. In my own way, I’ve been doing my best to keep it following a decent course.” She scoffed, then broke out into a laugh. Her expression as she lifted her face was full of scorn. “And what’s the result? It’s laughable.” Who, exactly, was her derision aimed at? The unprincipled nobility? The country? …Or herself? I was getting dizzy. My ears rang as if dozens of alarm bells were sounding simultaneously. I had to say something, but the words were caught in my throat. “It’s my naïveté that put you through so much pain, Euphie.” “Anis, I—” “I’m glad you were willing to shoulder this burden for me. That’s why I want to be here for you, why I want to support you as queen.” Her voice as she addressed me was as gentle as could be—yet that gentleness was completely hollow. She continued, “It seems to me the western nobles never respected you in the first place. They probably only ever saw you as a convenient instrument of their faith. They don’t even see you as a liege they’re obliged to serve. You know what will happen if we let that attitude spread, right?” “I…” Try as I might, I couldn’t deny her argument. There had always been people trying to present me as an abstract ideal to suit their own agenda. I gave them a stern warning whenever it happened, but this was the first time the conversation hadn’t gone as I’d hoped. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. I felt even angrier at the thought that they were making Anis suffer. But knowing her, she should have been able to find some way to manage. If she could keep going, then I could endure, too. I had to know—why did she suddenly feel like giving up? And if I allowed her to…what was I supposed to do next? “In a way, it’s convenient they decided to insult me. Now I can take care of everything. I’ll make sure you aren’t remembered as the villain, Euphie. They picked a fight with me, and they’ll get themselves wiped out. That’s all. I don’t want them to apologize or say they’ll mend their ways. I’ll simply get rid of them once and for all.” “Please don’t say that! Anis, calm down! You’re out of control!” “Are you saying I should just shut up and take it?!” Anis’s anger erupted like a burst of flame on a dark night, and I jolted with confusion and shock. Not only that, but her dragon magic was pouring out in response to her emotions; the air seemed to be shrieking with it. I watched her eyes slowly morph into those of a dragon. She was beginning to lose herself…! “I don’t care if they deride me. Their spiritualist faith has already rejected me. It doesn’t matter what feats I pull off—nothing will ever undo that. I’ve always wanted them to accept me, but I understand now. Some of them never will.” She gnashed her teeth fiercely enough for me to hear. I worried she was about to bite off her own lips. She stared into empty space. “But I can’t stand them trying to use you for their own ends. They pushed you until you were ill! How far are they trying to take this?! And you’re telling me I shouldn’t be angry?!” “But Anis…! I don’t want to see you get hurt!” “I didn’t want this to happen to you, either!” “Anis!” What was I supposed to do? Unable to think of a solution, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. If I couldn’t stop her, then…! At that moment, a calm voice spoke, unfazed by Anis’s threats of violence. “Cool your head, Anisphia.” “Lumi?!” Yes, there she was, as elusive as ever. How long had she been watching us? Anis wavered and turned to Lumi. The older spirit covenantor ran a hand through Anis’s hair. “You have a terrible look on your face, Anis. You sound like you’re going to destroy the whole kingdom.” “…So what?” “If you keep shouting like that, people outside are going to notice. Just think of the inevitable rumors if anyone saw you in this state.” “…Shut up! You think I don’t realize that?!” “I know you’re not stupid. You’re normally quite attentive, in fact. But right now you’re far from calm.” “Would you prefer I don’t care?! It’s their fault Euphie is…!” Anis stopped there, but her eyes were still burning. I briefly worried she would even attack Lumi. “If you care about Euphie, that’s all the more reason to relax,” Lumi warned her sternly. “She doesn’t have anyone else she can rely on, and now you, of all people, are pushing her away?” “No, I’m not…!” “Then take a look at her face,” Lumi urged. Anis did not. Instead, she stared at the floor, clenching her fists. Lumi folded her arms and breathed an exasperated sigh. “You can’t, can you? You realize you’re making a scene, don’t you?” “…Shut up.” “Why don’t you take in your surroundings a little?” “I said shut up!” “Yes, I can be annoying, can’t I? It stings. I can hear it in your voice—you know I’m right.” “…Ngh!” “If you want me to be quiet, then don’t force me to speak. You’ve brought this on yourself. So take a deep breath and calm down,” Lumi said. At this, Anis closed her mouth and fell into a heavy silence. After a long moment, she inhaled deeply—and the anger that had been filling the air slowly subsided. When she had finally quieted down, Lumi nodded in satisfaction and gave her a pat on the shoulder. The smile on her face was bright and maternal. “Well done.” “…” “Now that you’ve calmed down, try talking to Euphie properly. You both care about each other after all.” “…” “Anisphia, I’m not telling you not to feel angry. But it would be a shame to sever your connections in a fit of passing emotion. That’s a mistake you’ll regret to the end of your days.” “…I know.” “Then you should rest awhile with Euphie. You must be tired after rushing back to the capital. Why don’t you enjoy each other’s company a little?” Lumi said. Then, with a light wave, she left the room. I stared at the closed door for a while longer, then quickly turned my attention back to Anis. She continued to sit hunched over, looking downcast. Given what had just happened, I wasn’t sure how to begin. Still, I would hate myself even more if I didn’t help us move on from this. And so I gathered my courage, about to call out to her when she all but flung herself toward me. As I braced myself, she wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. “…Anis?” I asked. She said nothing. Her body merely shook slightly as she continued to hold me. Without saying anything more, I embraced her back, feeling shivers course through her. Pretending not to notice, I stayed that way for a while. I don’t know how long we sat there before Anis broke the silence. “…I’m sorry. I lost my temper.” “That’s understandable. If our positions were reversed, I would have been just as angry.” “…I’m really sorry, Euphie.” “It’s okay.” “No, it isn’t. I never wanted to make you console me.” “…It’s fine; you didn’t…” I wanted to protest harder, but Anis’s shaking increased in intensity as she pulled me closer. I couldn’t see her face, but I could tell she was crying. “What if you never regain your human senses…?” she said under her breath. “When I asked myself that, I started thinking we should just get it all over with here and now.” “…It’s my fault,” I murmured. Because of me, she thought she was too weak. It was painful seeing her so completely defenseless. I had entered my spirit covenant so she wouldn’t have to make an impossible decision, and now I had ended up failing her. But if I gave voice to that thought, it would only end up hurting her even more. Without lifting her face, she shook her head slightly from side to side. “I don’t want you to blame yourself, Euphie.” “But it’s true…” “You’re the victim here. It isn’t your fault. So why are you blaming yourself?” she asked, looking up at me. Tears were coursing down her cheeks. “It was all a selfish false accusation. It’s completely unacceptable. So don’t take responsibility for something you didn’t do,” she insisted. “…Aren’t you one to talk? You’ve always held yourself responsible when something goes wrong,” I pointed out. Besides, she had endured a lot worse in life than I had. If she could put up with all the trials, then I could endure them, too. I’d set off down this path so she wouldn’t have to suffer anymore, but I had ended up hurting her anyway… “…I only realized it when our situations were reversed,” she said. “I thought I understood, but I didn’t. I can’t bear it.” “Anis…” “If it was only me, I could tolerate it. But when they hurt you, and when you try to force yourself to swallow it down, I feel like I have to do something. And when there isn’t anything I can do, when no one’s asking anything of me, I feel disgusted at myself…” Once again, Anis buried her face in my chest. “That goes for both of us,” I said, gently stroking her back. “Which is why we have to support each other… I know you worry about me, just as I worry about you. But when we get angry, we can’t convey our feelings properly, and then we get bitter and distracted, and we lose sight of what we really ought to do…” “I know…” “I can’t hold it against you, Anis. I can’t be angry with you. You make me so happy. I’m sorry I’ve made you worry, but my heart warms to see how much you care.” “…I’m sorry.” “Thank you, Anis.” “I’m so sorry…!” “I told you, it’s okay.” “Ugh… Ugh…! I’m really, really, really sorry…!” She apologized again and again. Her voice was so innocent, it sounded almost like a young child’s. “I get so anxious, you know? It’s scary. When you stop being yourself and it feels like you’re drifting further and further away…” “That goes for you, too, don’t you think?” “Just because I can put up with it doesn’t mean I want to see you suffer…!” “I could say the same thing.” “It all comes back to me…! I’ve hurt you, Euphie…! I’m so sorry, I can’t bear it…!” I hadn’t seen her cry this much since Algard was banished to the frontier and she was made next in line for the throne. A wave of guilt fell over me, but at the same time, I felt a smile forming on my face. “I’m the one who should be apologizing, Anis… I’m so happy, I could cry. I know how deeply you care about me.” “You’ve given me so much, too, Euphie…!” “I’m truly happy.” “But…it’s because of this happiness that it’s so painful. I wish I’d never had these dreams at all. They’re what’s destroying you. I know it, but I still can’t stop feeling this way…!” “…You don’t have to worry so much, Anis.” “Then what am I supposed to do with all this anger…?!” she cried out, a tremble in her voice. I didn’t have an answer for her. After all, I was asking myself the very same question. Why did I have to protect people who tried to hurt my beloved Anis? Why was I defending the country that continued to do her harm? Yet I couldn’t give voice to such doubts. I would only hurt her even more if I did. “I know I can’t do anything,” she murmured. “I know…but I still don’t like it…” “…I know the feeling.” “Do you remember when you said you wished you were the only one who had to get hurt?” “…Yes, I did say something like that, didn’t I?” “I wanted the same thing—to shield you from everyone who wanted to hurt you. Do you remember what you said…?” “…That I didn’t want you to lose your own sense of self. That I didn’t want you to be held back by people who don’t care about you. That I wanted you to keep moving forward, even if it hurt. I was trying to tell you that you don’t have to give anything up if you don’t want to,” I answered. Anis’s eyes glistened, and large tears spilled down her cheeks as her face twisted in sorrow. All I wanted was to protect her smile, so seeing her crying her eyes out for my sake filled me with an emotion I was struggling to describe. “I’m a poor loser. Because of that, you’ve lost more than you had to. It doesn’t bother you? You don’t have regrets?” Anis asked. “I can’t think like that. I won’t. That would be a betrayal of what I wanted for you—for us.” “I made you choose, didn’t I?” “Yes, you did.” “…It’s like a curse.” “I consider it more of a blessing.” “But still…” “It’s fine, Anis.” “…What’s fine?” “We promised each other not to turn the blessing of magic into a curse, didn’t we? So long as we have each other, we can overcome these challenges. That’s why we joined hands,” I said, intertwining my fingers around hers. “We’ll support each other through the hard times. That’s what we should have done from the beginning.” “…Euphie.” “I’m sorry. I should have called you here myself instead of making you worry. I should have told you how hurt I was, how scared I felt. I should have trusted you to make it all better.” “…Yeah.” “…I was afraid. I couldn’t control myself, and I didn’t want to end up destroying your dreams.” “You idiot! Take care of yourself first before worrying about my dreams!” “And please, don’t go about laying waste to the western region for my sake.” “Then what do I do with all this anger?!” “…I know it will be hard. Life would be so much easier if we could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted it.” But neither of us, I knew, would choose to go down that path. Not while we had our dreams and love to bind us. That might’ve seemed like a curse to some, but I preferred to think of it as a blessing—a tether keeping us from making irreversible mistakes. “We made those vows to keep ourselves in check. We’re both juggling so much, we wouldn’t be able to keep up otherwise. What we’re doing is important, so we have to keep going, no matter how much it hurts…” “…You’re right.” “We might find some relief breaking it all. But I don’t want to destroy it… Yes, it hurts. But still…I’m happy, Anis.” Anis started crying, her whole body shaking in my arms. We said no more as we held each other close. Like children waiting for a storm to pass, we bowed our heads in silence, each reflecting on our own thoughts.
Chapter 130
14 min read