“You know, what you said earlier was also true, Yuuko. At that time, I chose Saku over you without hesitation.” “I know, Ucchi. You’re amazing, and strong, and cool. I’m so sorry for making you keep everything inside after that day. It wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.” “I’ve always thought that being by his side as a normal friend would be enough. That I was the only one who could support Saku in his hour of need. Once I started to realize that Saku was relying on me…” “Mm-hmm.” “There were moments when I forgot about you, Yuuko… I wondered if it really would be so bad if this continued forever… It was a horrible thing to think.” “Mm-hmm.” “While I was trying to talk you around… Nishino, Yuzuki, and Haru were all trying to cheer up Saku, too… And that got on my nerves.” “Well, of course it did.” “I was really scared the whole time! What should I do if Yuuko hates me now that I abandoned her? What if we can’t ever be friends again? There were still so many places I wanted to go together and things I wanted to talk about.” “Mm-hmm, me too, Ucchi.” “But…but… I’m sorry; I’m so sorry. You’re not my number one, Yuuko.” “My…my number one…isn’t you, either, Ucchi.” “Oh, Yuuko…there’s so many things I want to tell you.” “I have a lot of things I want to tell you, too.” “I told myself I wasn’t going to cry until now. I was going to support you both…and join your hands together…because I was really terrified that everything was going to end!” “Thank you, Ucchi, thank you.” “It’s okay to cry it all out now, though, isn’t? Can I just break down? Saku, Yuuko, you’ll stay with me, right?” “It’s okay. We’ll be here until all your tears have dried.” “Will you still be my best friend?” “Of course, Ucchi, you idiot!” “I don’t mind being hurt by you, Yuuko.” “I’m okay with being hurt, too, as long as it’s you, Ucchi.” “Yuuko… Yuuko…” “Ucchi, Ucchi, Ucchi…” The two of us held each other’s hands for a long, long time… We held on to each other until all the tears dried. After Yuuko and Yua stopped crying, the three of us sat side by side again on the veranda. My heart felt like it was going to burst as I’d listened to them both. I felt terrible. And pathetic. And embarrassed. I’d sensed what Yua was feeling, at least faintly. There’s no way she didn’t care about Yuuko. She must have been desperate to be with her. And yet it was me who she chased after. I think I needed to take out the hidden meaning I’d locked up in that box made of night and face up to it. But it was hard to believe… I can’t believe she went into it with that kind of determination on day one. I’d known these two girls for a while now, and I didn’t understand a single thing about the true depth of their strength, kindness, or weaknesses… In this kind of situation, I thought…there was never any way I could choose someone and call it love. “Ah…” Yuuko stretched, like she was feeling somehow refreshed. “I feel so much better.” “Hee-hee,” Yua responded. “I haven’t cried this much since the day my mom left.” “Hey, don’t say sad things all of a sudden.” “It’s okay. I’m not sad anymore, thanks to Saku.” “I see.” “Actually, come to think of it, I was bawling in front of him right around this time last year.” “Aww, that’s not fair, Ucchi.” “Er, what’s not fair?” “Hee-hee, hey, you know what?” Yuuko grinned. “I always dreamed of fighting with my best friend.” Yua laughed and rolled her eyes. “What? That’s so weird.” “Let’s fight a lot from now on!” “Well, maybe just a little, now and then.” The two of them looked at each other and cracked up. “So what now?” Yuuko murmured after a little bit. “We had a good cry, but we didn’t really come to any kind of resolution…” Yua scratched her cheek. “Well, Yuuko, before you derailed the conversation, I was about to bring it full circle.” “That’s because you’re too stubborn, Ucchi.” “Well, Yuuko, don’t you have anything else you want to talk about?” Yuuko thought about those words for a while. “Yes, yes, yes! I do!” She raised her hand, standing up. I realized it was twilight. “Hee-hee. Saaaku…” Yuuko took my hand and indicated for me to stand up. She gazed up at me, her face tearstained. “You said earlier that you don’t know why I fell in love with you, right? You said it was just love at first sight.” “…Right.” “Well, you’re totally wrong!” She poked my chest with her index finger. Then she gently spread her fingers and placed her hand over my heart. Badump, badump. My heart had sped up, which was a little unsettling. “True, it may have been something like that. You were the first person to be normal with me after everyone else in my life gave me special treatment. I’d found a boy I liked. I got overexcited. I got carried away. Yes, it might have been childish. “But,” Yuuko continued. “No girl is romantic enough to hold on to unrequited love at first sight for a whole year and a half!” “Huh…?” Yuuko puffed up her cheeks, like she was trying to look angry. “I can’t believe you thought my feelings were that shallow, Saku! Boy, that made me so mad! Seriously!” Yuuko lowered her gaze. Her long, bright eyelashes cast faint shadows in the setting sun. “Ever since the day I fell in love…I’ve been paying attention to you, Saku. You’ve got good and bad things about you. You’re cool, and you’re also lame. I like things about you, and there’s some things I don’t like.” She took several steps back, putting her hands behind her. “Hey, did you know?” She looked back at me with a slightly sweet smile. Her long hair fanned out like wings in the evening breeze. “Whenever you’re about to put on your cool-guy act, you narrow your eyes a little like this. I like that habit of yours. It’s super cute. When you lie, or try to deceive someone, you lift the corner of your mouth just a tiny bit on the left, and you get this itty-bitty dimple. So when you told me you weren’t going to go with Kenta when he went off to see his old friends…I knew. You’re surprisingly easy to read. I like that. Oh, and when I call you late at night on the phone. You sound annoyed, but really, you always get a little lonely. I like to chat with you for hours and hours on nights like that.” “Yuuko…” Yuuko was describing parts of myself I’d never known about. “I like how you want to live your life in a cool way, but I don’t like how easily you disregard your own pain. I like your boyish grin. But I don’t like your sneer or the way your lip curls. I like that you’re kind to everyone, and I also hate it. I’m a little worried about the way you always try to force yourself to be the hero. But along the way, you did in fact become a hero. And I love you.” The setting sun that seemed to shine into my heart was dazzling, and I unintentionally narrowed my eyes. “Even if it started with love at first sight, spending every day together, by your side, finding more and more things I like about you, collecting beautiful memories—it was like I was making a bouquet so big that I couldn’t hold it with both hands. I’m not living in an illusion of you. In my eyes…you’ve always only been who you are.” With a drip, a single tear surprised me by sliding down my cheek. Oh man… I’m really a hopeless case. Her feelings were so earnest and straightforward. I was skeptical, because of my silly preconceptions. I was so trapped in the past that I couldn’t see anything clearly. Yuuko’s words, her feelings, and the time we spent together gradually seemed to seep into my heart. My cheeks were dripping wet, as if she’d given me so much, it was spilling over. I didn’t want them to see me like this, so I turned away. The surface of the pond reflected the bright-red sky like a mirror. Right. It’s always been within reach, like this. You were watching me. I should have noticed sooner. I’d even thought it, myself. Leaving too soon will just pave the way to disillusionment. It always does. But that’s not what happened this time. I tried to laugh it off, but I ended up letting them see me pathetic and hurt. I let them see all my embarrassing emotions. But nothing’s changed, at least on your end. Because the first girl I befriended in high school…had taken her time, longer than anyone else ever cared to. Was she slowly and carefully nurturing her feelings this whole time? Yuuko stared at me with her transparent, clear eyes, and she grinned. Just like… “See, that’s what I’m saying, here. I love the boy who was always by my side—Saku Chitose.” Just like a lake at twilight reflecting the moon. “…Thank you, Yuuko.” Anything else I said would sound paper-thin, so I just muttered those words. Yuuko nodded with satisfaction. “Yes, yes, yes, all right; now it’s Ucchi’s turn!” She yanked on Yua’s hand, forcing her to stand up. “Isn’t there something you want to talk about?” “Um, yeah…” Yua looked back and forth between us, then slowly opened her mouth with a certain resolve. “That day, the day you saved me, Saku… It may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I planned to always think of you first for the rest of my life. I wished for your happiness more than my own. It wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t the one to make you smile. Just being by your side was enough.” She tugged on the collar of her yukata. “But I think I was wrong. Because what you taught me, Saku…was that I was Yua Uchida. I was willing to rethink the way I was living—trying never to cause trouble for my family like my mom did—because of you. I was going to repeat the cycle and give up on so many things. So…” Yua held out her hands. “Yuuko, Saku.” The three of us looked at one another. Then Yuuko and I took her hands. Yua tilted her head playfully. “—From now on, can I be a little more selfish?” She grinned, even though her grin was a little embarrassed. “You just gave me a lecture about that yourself, didn’t you?” I replied. I was still trying to act cool, even as my face was all screwed up from crying. “Of course you can!” Yuuko yelled. “All right, it’s your turn, Saku!” She took my hand and raised it high. “If we keep talking this way, I’m gonna look more and more pathetic.” “Eh, just think of it as like a sports speech.” “Please realize that it’s even more embarrassing when you make that analogy.” Yuuko had recovered completely now, and she grinned and let go of my hand for a second. But the bonds between the three of us seemed to remain intact, reflected on the surface of the water. I knew what I wanted to say. And yes, I was embarrassed to say it out loud, but they’d shown me that was fine. Yua, standing in the middle, squeezed my hand tightly twice. As if she was telling me it was okay. So I… “Ultimately, I don’t think I can ignore the fact that I refused Yuuko’s confession.” I spoke with clarity. ““Huh?”” Yua and Yuuko responded at the same time. I could feel the two of them turning toward me. I continued, staring straight up at the twilight sky. “Don’t get me wrong. What you had to say really resonated with me, Yua. It stung. It’s not like I’m trying to be cool or stubborn or anything.” I wiped away my tears with the sleeve of my T-shirt. “This isn’t for anyone else but me. This is so I can tackle love with the honesty it deserves… So I can properly face you, Yuuko, and you, Yua. And…everyone else, too.” My words grew fainter as I spoke. “I don’t want to just pretend it didn’t happen—that Yuuko never told me how she felt, and I never turned her down, and we never had this conversation today. I want to remember this summer just as it was.” I took a deep breath and spoke clearly again. “So I’m sorry. I can’t go out with you right now, Yuuko.” “…Right, okay.” Yuuko’s voice trembled, just a little. “However…” I continued quietly. “I can’t make any promises. The answer may not change even if I keep you waiting. And maybe a day will come when I go out with another girl.” “…” “But even in that case, someday…” Yuuko gave me the impetus. Yua gave me the lecture. They both drew me out. So from now on, this time— —as Saku Chitose—as a man, not as a hero— “What if, someday in the future, my feelings for Yuuko could be labeled as love? Could I tell you so then?” —I won’t avert my eyes from anyone else’s feelings or from my own. I’ll face them head-on. —I’ll hold the end of a blue thread that hasn’t yet been dyed red. Yuuko paused for a moment to think, then… “All righty!” She said. “But if you keep me waiting too long, I might end up confessing to you one more time. Because my feelings for you are mine, right?” “Right!” The surface of the pond undulated, like our hearts. It was uncertain, delicate, transparent. Illuminated by the moon and the sun, and easily blown by the wind. The sunset is gone, but this lake will eventually reflect the morning sun again. When we look up, it’s always there…like a gentle sky embracing us. After the three of us left the yokokan, Yua spoke. “Since we’re here, why don’t we all go to the festival?” “Yeah, I wanna go!” Yuuko chirped immediately. I smiled and watched the two walking hand in hand ahead of me. “Oh yeah, Saku…” Yua looked back at me. “I didn’t think much of what you said earlier!” But her tone was soft. “Earlier…?” I said. It wasn’t that I didn’t have any idea what she was referring to. But since we talked about so many things, I wasn’t sure exactly which part she meant. “…When I asked about your impression of my yukata.” Beside her, Yuuko tilted her head in curiosity. “What did he say?” “‘I’d expect no less of you, Yua. You wear that very well.’” “He said what?” Her shout was loud and accusatory. Yuuko dropped Yua’s hand and advanced on me. “What the heck? That was all you had to say about a girl’s yukata? That’s way too dry and technical! After Ucchi put in all that effort to dress up! Unbelievable!” She jabbed a finger into my chest. “I mean, I didn’t want to sound too frivolous after I’d turned down your love confession, Yuuko; that’s all.” “That’s a totally different issue! This is a special occasion! You have to praise the girl and tell her she looks fantastic!!!” “But we just talked about this; a guy who hasn’t made up his mind can’t go saying things like that to girls…” “What? I don’t get it. You’re so annoying, Saku.” Yua had been watching this. “Listen, Yuuko,” she said. “I think Saku really believes that. If he casually compliments a girl, she might get the wrong idea and fall in love with him.” “Hold on, Yua!” I yelped indignantly. When she put it into words that way, there was a ring of truth. But I shouldn’t go casually complimenting a girl when I can’t say for sure that I like her. I definitely got the feeling that would be the wrong thing to do. Yuuko stared at me, unimpressed. “Ew.” “C’mon, you don’t have to be so mean about it!” The two of them exchanged looks and giggled. Then Yuuko rolled her eyes. “You think a girl’s going to get the wrong idea over a simple compliment? You underestimate us.” “You’re so old-fashioned, Saku,” said Yua. “And extra.” “You keep doing stuff like that, and you’re never going to find out which girl you really like. Please, make up with everyone so you can get on with deciding.” “Usually, Saku’s lightheartedness is one of his better features.” “Hey!” I’m really getting kicked around, here. But maybe they’re right. I scratched my cheek and mumbled, “Yua, um, the yukata looks great on you. Like, I-want-limited-edition-stamps-of-you great.” Yua looked taken aback for a second, then said, “Er, that’s a weird compliment, but I’ll take it.” She smiled. The three of us kept walking. Before long, we entered the hustle and bustle of the festival. It was early evening, with the sun completely set by now. I could see the torii gate of the shrine illuminated by the lights of the stalls. ““Huh…?”” Yuuko and I both spoke at the same time. Standing there very still, watching us, was… “You guys…” “Guys…” Nanase, Haru, Kazuki, Kenta, and for some reason, Asuka. And…Kaito. I saw Yuuko’s eyes sparkle with familiarity and love, and she dashed forward at top speed. “Yuzuki, Haru!” She hugged the two girls, who were standing side by side. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” She said it over and over again. Nanase gently stroked Yuuko’s head, and Haru patted her back awkwardly. “Yua, did you…?” Yua stuck out her tongue mischievously. “Yeah, I called everyone here.” “Even Asu—er, Nishino?” “I thought it’d be nice to have her come tonight. Actually, I figured if she was here, you’d wag your tail and be happy. I asked an older girl in the music club to get me her contact details.” “You didn’t have to put it that way.” “That’s because I’m still a little annoyed!” Come to think of it, when we were looking around the food stalls earlier, Yua avoided anything heavy or meant for sharing. She knew this would happen… No, she believed it would. As we approached the group, Yuuko turned to us with shining eyes. “Ucchi! You and Saku didn’t have any intention of going on a date together!” Yua smiled a little. “I don’t know; maybe not.” “What were you going to do if I hadn’t come?” “Well then, you’d have been left out.” “Hey, that’s awful! But you don’t get to have your date, Ucchi…” “Unfortunately, that’s already over.” “What do you mean?” Yua took out her mask from the sleeve of her yukata and put it on the side of her head. “I mean this!” She made a beckoning, paw-like motion. “How cute!” “Hee-hee, Saku bought it for me.” “Aw, no fair! Saku, buy me one, too!” A burst of laughter erupted. Haru raised her hand toward us. “Hubby, hurry up and let’s eat something. I’m tired of waiting, and I’m super hungry.” “Sorry, my bad. I’ll treat you to some marumaru yaki, then.” Asuka spoke up, blushing and looking down. “Um, sorry to intrude…” “Ah no, thanks for coming, actually.” It was a super awkward exchange. Then I made eye contact with Nanase. I scratched my head and cleared my throat. “The other day, when you asked me what I thought of you in your apron… I’m sorry for being so curt. You looked great in it.” For a moment, Nanase raised her eyebrows in surprise, then… “Really?! Honestly, I was bummed, but I didn’t want to react in front of you, and then I was all worried about it…” Her face crumpled, and I briefly thought she might cry. I smiled with one side of my mouth. “But you looked more like a pinup than a housewife.” Nanase rolled her eyes at me. “…What? You’re so dumb!” She stuck out her tongue and shook her shoulders. Then… “Saku…” Kaito was hanging his head. “Kaito.” “Hey… Back then, I…I lost my temper. I’m sorry.” “Heh.” I smiled a little and held out my right hand. Kaito snorted and gripped it tight. “All right. We’ll call it even, then.” He smiled, showing his teeth. “Right.” I pulled Kaito in, like for a hug, and then… “Graaagh!” Just like that, I punched him in the side. “Guh!!! Gack! Whyyy?” I grinned down at him as he stood there bent over. “Now we’re even.” “Hey, man, that’s evil!” “I only hit you with my left hand. It’s not my fault I’m super strong.” Then we shook hands for real. Kazuki rolled his eyes, but he was smiling, too. “Damn, if that’s all you needed, then you should have done that from the beginning.” “I’m sorry. It looks like I made you guys worry a lot.” Kenta, who was next to me, opened his mouth timidly. “King…” “Right. Don’t worry. We tried a little mutual understanding.” —And so as a group, we wandered around the late August night festival. We picked up cotton candy, candy apples, fried noodles, crepes, cake balls, and bottles of Ramune. We bought enough for the whole group to share. It almost felt like we were midway through a perfectly normal summer vacation. But then, from the way we exchanged glances, the distance when we walked side by side, the warmth of our voices, and the slightly awkward exchanges, it was clear that our relationships had all taken a step forward. Still, there was no sadness to be seen in our illuminated faces, and there was no hesitation in the sound of our footsteps on the stone paving. Finally, the festival came to its end. The busy stalls were now beginning to pack up their water balloons and plastic balls and goldfish and yukatas. Everyday life rushed back in to pack away the remains of the special occasion, piece by piece. This was the final ritual of the summer festival. We moved to the nearby park, holding the sparkler fireworks Kaito had picked up from somewhere. In the sparse, scattered shadows, we lit our sparklers, filled a bucket with water, and made kaleidoscope patterns in the night. Yuuko drew the word love in the air toward me. Nanase and Haru ran around clutching fistfuls of sparklers. Yua and Asuka politely crouched and watched the sparks fly. At some point, I paused and looked up to see a white moon that looked like a large teardrop against the night sky. Creak, creak. See you next summer, the cicadas called. Ree ree ree. See you soon, fall beckoned. Before long, the family pack of fireworks was all used up. Everyone formed a circle, and we opened our bottles of Ramune with a loud pop. The sunken marbles rolled, reflecting the festival decorations. Right… Just like this. One person is in another’s heart. And someone else is watching. Swaying amid the churning bubbles. The profile of the person we care about, trapped inside the sparkle of our eyes. Finally, we each picked up a final sparkler and lit them like a farewell fire. Our summer was coming to an end. “See you next year…” Someone softly muttered. —One by one the sparkler tips dropped to the ground, like a series of silent nods.
Chapter 95
20 min read