* * * A single teardrop ran down Yua’s cheek. Why was I crying? I, Yua Uchida, gently touched my cheek. My fingertips came away cool and wet, and when I held them up in front of me, the setting sun made them sparkle. I never used to wear nail polish because it made me too self-conscious. I chose violet to match my yukata. I had to practice applying it over several days because I was so afraid of screwing it up. It came out really well. Good. “Um, uh… Ha-ha.” My lips made an artificial smile. You once scolded me for that, saying it’s become a habit. But I guess it might be a little useful at times like this. It’s funny; I thought I’d decided not to cry until the end. The other two were looking at me in concern. …Oh, Saku. Why’d you have to wear plain clothes? Not really the right moment for that thought, but never mind. I set our meeting for half an hour earlier than the time I told Yuuko. I did it by instinct. Back at the fireworks display, he’d looked sort of disappointed when he realized I wasn’t wearing a yukata. When we promised to go to the festival together…he looked so happy. So there was a part of me that hoped… “Ah…” Even though I still hadn’t heard their responses yet. Even though I knew I needed to make this stop. My tears just kept on flowing. “Ucchi!” Yuuko jumped up and hugged me tightly. I’ve missed this scent, this warmth. It’s been a long time. “It’s okay to take it slow. But I want you to talk, okay? This time, for sure!” She patted me softly on the back, just like I’d been doing to her minutes before. “We haven’t heard how you feel yet, Ucchi.” Right. Yuuko noticed. I’ve been vague about some of these things this whole time and avoiding them…and I’d kept the other two as the focus of the conversation. Yuuko always notices… “…That day… I mean…on the roof.” I slowly started to speak, encouraged by the warmth of my best friend. “I lied, too.” I could sense Yuuko’s surprise in her body language, but she didn’t stop rubbing my back. “The day before I started calling you by your first name, the day you invited me to dinner—Saku saved me. He broke down the glass walls I’d used to keep people out for years. He freed me.” Her arm tightened around me. “He brought color back to my memories of my mother and helped me look forward again, instead of down. And I made a decision then—he would be as important to me as a member of my own family. If I ever have to make a choice one day…Saku will be the one I think of first.” I tasted salty tears on my lips. “But on the rooftop, Yuuko, you asked me if there was anyone I liked… I didn’t understand. Whatever was growing in my heart was so new. Was it first love, or was it gratitude for a friend? I’d never been in love. I didn’t have any close friends. That’s why I…I used you and Saku as an excuse.” I hiccupped, and my breath caught. “I’m sure Saku would be a great match for someone like you, Yuuko. I have nothing going for me; I don’t stand a chance. Even if I told you my honest feelings, it would only cause trouble. I told myself not to make waves—to stand back and watch you two get together. It’s the happiest ending I can hope for. It’s enough, for me to step back and support him when he needs it. I’m happy just to be by his side…” To be honest, at the time, I was so happy. I took the hand of the boy I was supposed to hate. His hand was strong, kind, warm. I had a feeling it would take me to places I’d never seen before. That night, I ended up sleeping over. He said I was the first. Even though he’s so popular with girls. Even though he’s always joking around. —I became the first girl. I think, ever since I changed my glasses to contacts, I was always conscious of what Saku saw when he looked at me. Which do you like? What do you think? What would you say? You. Saku. How crazy, that I gradually became attracted to a boy I used to hate. It felt like I had become some shoujo manga cliché, and it kinda made me laugh. So that day. I still remember how I felt when Yuuko told me that she liked Saku. It was like being plunged into a bucket of cold water. It was like the whole past week was a lie. I woke up from my dream. I felt like I was separating from my body. —I was embarrassed. I was mortified. I’d gotten the wrong idea. Who did I think I was, working myself up when I was just one of his classmates? Saku’s a nice guy, so he spread that kindness to everyone. It was crazy for me to go thinking I was special. But I should have known that from the beginning. Yuuko was always around Saku. I didn’t even have a seat at that table. I just happened to sit there for a moment on a whim. But it couldn’t be helped. Until now, I’ve wanted to keep those feelings away. And Yuuko…ever since the entrance ceremony, she kept trying to talk to me, when all I could do was fake a smile. She was the one who created the opportunity for me to open up to Saku. She found the real him much earlier than I did. And she spent much more time with him. There was no room for me to intrude. So for Yuuko’s sake…I decided to accept my fate as just another one of Saku’s friends. And for Saku’s sake…I wanted to avoid causing any more trouble. It’s better like this. This is fine. “I pushed my weaknesses off on you two…” Yuuko’s shoulder, where my chin rested, was stained with tears. “I’m sneaky and terrible, too.” I sighed, about to lean back, when… “You’re wrong!” The hands that had been holding me suddenly pushed me away. I staggered and almost lost my balance. I managed to stay on my feet and look at Yuuko. Her eyes flashed as her fists shook. “You made a choice, Ucchi!” I’d never been on the receiving end of her anger before… “Yuuko…?” Come to think of it, we never had a fight. We were always just smiling and talking nonsense together, never getting in too deep with each other. “In that moment, Ucchi, you ignored me and chased after Saku.” Yuuko was practically shouting. “You ditched me for him! A boy who clearly meant more to you than your best friend! You did pick who mattered most! And yet here you are talking as if you showed such amazing restraint!!!” “No…” I grasped the hand that held on to my sleeve, wiped away my tears, and opened my mouth. “Because I had to go after him then.” I bit my trembling lip for a second. “I thought everything was about to be destroyed! Everything was about to come crashing down!!!” I yelled, too. “When my mother left, I couldn’t do anything. Before I knew it, everything was over, and my family was one person smaller. So this time, I had to chase after him! I was the only one who could look at both of you and know you were hiding your true feelings. I was the only one who could hold both of your hands and tell you to get a grip. I was the only one. I agonized over it. It was so painful that I couldn’t see it all the way through. Everyone was with Yuuko. So I…I went with Saku. If you’re really such a close friend, you should know that much!!!” My tone became harsh, as I finally let all my feelings out. Yuuko lowered her eyes sadly for a moment, then glared at me again. “That’s a lie!!!” “What? What’s that supposed to mean?!” “You didn’t look like you had a hard time deciding at all! You didn’t even look at me. You ran right after Saku. You didn’t even turn around. You’re saying all this after the fact! I know that much because we’re close friends!!!” “…” Instead of swallowing my words, I quickly hit back. “Well, what about you, Yuuko? You never even told me you were going to confess to Saku. You say you wanted to put an end to it for everyone’s sake. But you avoided some things, didn’t you? What would have happened if Saku said yes? What would you have done if he’d said he liked you back? Wouldn’t you have just gone ahead and started dating him?!!!” I was aware that I was saying something cruel, but the dam had fully burst now. “Oh, well, what about you, Ucchi? You’re the one who said ‘Maybe I’ll move on up.’ If I didn’t show up, then maybe you’ll just go on a festival date together. Wasn’t that how you really felt? What if I hadn’t come today? You were happy to be by Saku’s side in his hour of need!!!” “You’re the one going on about what a terrible person you are, Yuuko! But when you were with me, all you wanted to talk about was Saku! You wouldn’t shut up about where you went with him and what you did and who said what! You’d just parade it in front of me with a big grin! Do you even feel bad about what happened that day?!” “Argh, this is infuriating! Like, Ucchi, you never open up about anything! I asked so many times! But every time, you dodged it and just smiled at me. You’re the one who didn’t even try to talk to me about it!!!” “That’s because—!” When I ran out of the classroom that evening, I decided I wasn’t going to cry. I won’t let anyone see that, not until everything is resolved. “You’re strong, Yuuko…” My best friend’s face swam before my eyes. “You’re always so straightforward…” I felt like my legs were about to give way. “No, you’re wrong.” But Yuuko’s voice had suddenly grown soft as she spoke. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ucchi.” Then she hugged me hard again, like she was helping me stay upright. “I’m sorry for saying something mean on purpose. But I had to say it…or you’d just shoulder all the burden alone again. If I didn’t say the truth…you’d just hold back again… That’s what I thought…” I realized Yuuko was crying, too. As our wet cheeks rubbed together, our tears mingled, then dripped down our necks. My yukata was getting damp. “Thank you, Ucchi. Thank you for following Saku. Thank you for coming to visit me. Thank you for holding our hands. Thank you for finding me and pulling out the feelings I was trying to hide.” “Ah… Ngh.” The back of my nose stung, and I couldn’t form words. “I did my best, you know, Yuuko…” “Mm-hmm, you did.” “When I ran out of that classroom, I thought everything was going to break apart if things stayed like this. You, and Saku, and me—we really would all go our separate ways…” “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. You have a good heart, Ucchi.” “When I was leaving, I met your eyes while you were crying… But I pretended not to have seen.” “Yeah. It was tough on you, too, Ucchi.” Still clinging to Yuuko, I continued.
Chapter 94
10 min read