Chapter 93

“…You’re silly, Yuuko.” Her trembling hand reached out and touched my cheek. “I caused trouble for you, Saku. But you’re my hero. I knew this wouldn’t be enough to break you.” Tears like glass beads spilled down her cheeks; her eyes were scrunched up, like a letter that would never be sent. I held her hand tightly. Leaning on my shoulder, Yuuko slowly stood up. She was carrying such a weight with that delicate frame. Yua and Yuuko sat back down on the porch. Yuuko looked embarrassed as she spoke. “So that’s my story.” Yua nodded softly. “Yeah.” Still next to Yuuko, she looked at me. “And now it’s Saku’s turn.” She met my eyes. I wasn’t surprised by what she said. Yuuko had laid her heart bare. I wasn’t just here to watch and listen. So then, what? When I said nothing, Yua spoke for me. “Do you want me to give you a prompt?” Her face didn’t change at all when she said… “—Saku, why did you choose those specific words when you rejected Yuuko?” I never imagined she’d hit on that, too. “…Yua…” Beside her, Yuuko tilted her head. “What do you mean, Ucchi?” Glancing at me, Yua responded. “He said, ‘There’s another girl in my heart.’” Yuuko lowered her head and winced, no doubt reliving it. “I think it’s obvious… Saku likes someone else.” “Nope.” Yua shook her head emphatically. “If that’s true, I think he would have clearly said, ‘There’s another girl I like.’ Knowing Saku put it that way at a time like that… It’s uncharacteristically vague.” Yuuko’s eyes widened. “Yes, but in that case…” “Right, so now…” Yua looked at me again. “I’m asking Saku.” I stood in front of them, bowed my head, and clenched my fists tightly. “…Sorry. I can’t talk about that.” It was a secret I planned to keep for the rest of my life. Because it’s too pathetic. Because it’s too selfish. Because I’m too arrogant. Because it’s unbeautiful. Because it’s not Saku Chitose. And…because I can’t do that to Yuuko. “I can’t tell you.” I’m sorry, Yuko. I’m sorry, Yua. I’m sorry to all of you. —That was when something started shouting at me from the depths of my memory. The words Kenta said… “Try a little mutual understanding!!!” The words Nanase said… “—So, Chitose, don’t go dying on the wrong hills, okay?” The words Haru said… “—We’re all important as friends, girls and guys.” —Oh, I see. I fumbled for the house key I’d stuck in my pocket. I traced my fingers over the leather key chain Yuuko and I bought, the ones that match. Like puzzle pieces coming together, everyone’s faces came to mind. Click. Click. Click. My amazing friends had already taught me something important. Kaito got all hotheaded for the sake of the girl he likes. Even cool-guy Kazuki struggles with the part of himself that isn’t so cool. Even innocent-princess Yuuko faced her own weaknesses and shook us out of a tough stalemate. “So let’s talk.” I wondered how much Yua knew. After looking at their faces, I closed my eyes briefly, and… “…That day, one year ago…” Nervously, I began to speak. “Yuuko, when you confessed to me on the rooftop, the first thing that came to my mind was Again? and Please, give me a break.” Yuuko flinched. “I’m sorry. Up until high school, so many girls I thought were my friends confessed to me, and when I said no, they weren’t my friends anymore. I got sick of it. I started to get annoyed by stuff like that.” And in my first year, I was still trying to measure my distance with others much more carefully than I do now. I wasn’t even completely open with my friends. “But at the same time, I loved hanging out with everyone… Yuuko, Kazuki, Kaito, and then Yua, too. I really mean it—you were all so special to me. It wasn’t love, but I definitely wanted to be with you, Yuuko, always.” If it’s someone you don’t care about, you can just say sorry and that’s that. Which was why I was so lost at the time. “So when you told me that you didn’t need a response, I really held on to that. Of course, I enjoyed having a pretty girl like you be into me, Yuuko. So I thought if I maintained the status quo, we could all go on being friends the same way, for a little longer.” I bit my lip, then continued. “If I really thought about your feelings, Yuuko, then I should have given you a clear no. I knew this ambiguous relationship couldn’t go on forever, but the more time we spent together, the more comfortable I became with it. I was dragging my heels. That’s why…” I laughed, as though I was ridiculing myself. “If you call yourself sneaky, Yuuko, well, that makes two of us.” While I was talking, Yuuko took a step forward. “Honestly, I know how stupid and lame this sounds.” I lifted my head and looked at their faces again. “But will you…let me say one thing?” Yuuko and Yua nodded without saying anything. Embarrassed, I forced myself not to shake. “—You are there, Yuuko. In my heart.” I had never said that to anyone before. “Huh…?” Yuuko opened her eyes wide in surprise. I slowly shook my head and continued. “When you confessed to me on the roof… To me, you were a close friend, nothing more and nothing less. But it’s been about a year since then, and…well, really it’s been ever since I started school here. You were always by my side, Yuuko. I figured you’d get bored eventually and leave me. But you didn’t. You didn’t get anywhere close to that. The more time passed, the more you believed in me, relied on me, and treated me like a hero. Well, to be honest, I might have felt a little pressured at the same time.” “Saku, I…” I held up a hand, smiling wryly as Yuuko was about to get up. “I didn’t know what you liked about me. The Saku you seemed to be seeing was far better than the reality. You had to be dreaming up tons of illusions about me. When you confessed to me in the classroom, those feelings became even stronger. I had no idea it was triggered by something I forgot I’d even said. I thought, Isn’t that just love at first sight? …But that wasn’t it at all. You were always close by, watching me, so you had high expectations of me. ‘Saku can do anything,’ you said. I had to be a stubborn show-off so I wouldn’t disappoint you. I’m sure that’s what I was thinking. That’s how…you always showed me a brand-new perspective, Yuuko.” Since Yuuko and I had been separated, I’d become aware of my own feelings for the first time. I had to tell her, from the heart. “I didn’t recognize it at first, but you’ve become someone incredibly important to me, Yuuko.” Then, before my spilled emotions caused a misunderstanding… “However!” I heard the tension in my voice. I had to keep myself from running away. I had to stop myself from doing my usual thing and making a joke of it. After biting the inside of my trembling lip until it bled… “…But there is another girl in my heart.” I said the worst thing I could say all in a rush. My vision went blurry; my knees went weak. Ha-ha. I’m so lame. Who knew talking to a girl could be this scary? “Hey, Saku, that’s…” Yuuko seemed to be groping for words. “I hope I’m not being an idiot and misunderstanding, but…” But I didn’t think we should continue this line of thought. With a thud, I slammed my clenched fist into my thigh. Yuuko had laid everything bare. She confronted me with the things I didn’t want to see and taught me things that I didn’t want to know. So I had to do the same. “I think very highly of you as a girl, Yuuko. But there’s another girl I think of just as highly. And there’s more than two…” I had to dredge the utmost sincerity out of my dishonest heart. “Each one has given me things I could never replace.” Someone who was like family. Someone who was my mirror. Someone who challenged me. Someone I looked up to. “You’ve grown so used to being loved, but you don’t know how to love, do you?” It’s just like Asuka said. I only learned how to dodge. Love from others always came with an expiration date. And when it arrived, those feelings would get crumpled up and thrown into the trash like junk mail. If the sender wasn’t home, you could easily deliver it to some other address. Like ticking off names on a list. When I turned them down, they’d move on immediately to the next person. But now, for the first time… —I was thinking about love. Among the colorful lines of locked mailboxes, only one letter can be mailed. Once the sender’s been decided, that letter can’t be withdrawn. Before I knew it, tears were dripping from the corners of my eyes. My lips were trembling. I sniffed briefly. That’s why I—I… “I don’t know which feeling goes with romantic love.” Choosing just one was too terrifying for words. There was a loud silence. I’d exposed myself and laid bare the shameful things in my heart, in front of people who mattered so much to me. I was an indecisive and pathetic guy, who never wanted to be truly known by anyone. Yuuko slowly got to her feet in confusion. “If that’s true… If you’re being honest… If this is how you really feel… Then I’ll wait for your answer forever if that’s what it takes.” “But I can’t!” My voice rose with frustration, and Yuuko flinched again. But I couldn’t stop. It was like a dam burst. “What the hell do you want me to say? ‘I like you, Yuuko, but there are other girls I’m interested in, so please wait until I decide’? ‘I’m in the middle of choosing right now, so please stand in line and wait your turn’?” I clenched my teeth, summoning what shreds of dignity I had left. “I never want to be the kind of guy who forces others to bear the burden of these feelings, even if they are awful.” Because that’s not the Saku Chitose Yuuko fell for. That’s not her hero. “But at least, we could put this aside until later, and…” I shook my head slightly. “I think that’s what got us here, wouldn’t you say?” “…” That was everything I had to say. Right now, I couldn’t give Yuuko an answer. On the other hand, this kind of distorted relationship could only go on so long. That’s why this twilit moment was the end of it. As we both stared at the ground… “—That sounds fine to me, though?” Yua suddenly stood up. ““Huh…?”” Yuuko and I were both confused. Yua brushed her bangs aside with her little finger before continuing. “Yuuko is still in love with Saku. Saku is still searching for what love means to him. What’s wrong with that?” “But… It’s not honest…” “—Saku.” Yua interrupted me briskly. “Why are you the only one who gets to choose?” “I don’t…” What? “Just like you have the right to choose, Yuuko, Yuzuki, Haru, and of course I have the right, too. We have the right to choose our own love.” She took a step closer. “You’re free to think the same, too, Saku. But you have no right to judge the sincerity or dishonesty of our loves based on your own values.” There was a snippiness to her speech that reminded me of when we first met. “We can postpone the response, or keep being vague—but as long as there’s a possibility, I think a love like that still has merit.” Her tone softened a little, but she was no less passionate. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong in asking you to wait until you’ve worked through your feelings properly.” I ruminated on those words: the right to choose our love. “You see, Saku, you don’t need to bear the responsibility for someone’s else’s love. And neither does Yuuko.” Yua continued admonishingly. “Remember when I said, ‘If you’re apologizing to me in this situation… I think you’d better think carefully about what that means’?” “…Of course.” It stuck like a thorn in my mind, and I hadn’t been able to remove it. “Then can I ask you now? Why would you need to apologize to me for hanging out with Nishino?” “I mean, the moment you stopped coming to my house, I went out with someone else…” “Hmm,” she said. There was a lot going on behind her eyes. “You thought I would feel bad when I heard that, right?” “Huh…?” “In other words, you were subconsciously thinking I might be jealous?” I inhaled. “I don’t…” “Isn’t that a bit arrogant, Saku?” Yua seemed to be rebuking me. Of course I didn’t mean it like that. …Or at least, I didn’t think about it that way. It wasn’t about hanging out with a girl or a guy. But the moment Yua stopped coming to support me, I immediately went out with someone else. I just meant that…I felt wrong about it. But now that I think about it, what if it had been Kazuki or Kenta? I wouldn’t have bothered to apologize to Yua. I hadn’t realized it before. Is that the implication of my apology? No, maybe I myself was unconsciously saying it in that sense. What an arrogant thing to say. No wonder Yua was annoyed. Softening a little, Yua sighed. “Well, I was joking around and then got angry, so I think we can kinda blame it on the mood of the conversation. Either way,” she continued. “Suppose you do something that makes some girl jealous or sad… So what? Is there any reason why you should have to walk on eggshells?” Earnestly, she approached her conclusion. “I said it before, but if you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, I think it’s a different story. You don’t have to feel responsible for the feelings of some girl you’re not even dating. It’s on the person who caught feelings to bear that burden.” “Yua…” She closed her eyes for a second, then… “No matter who the other person might be, you always have the freedom not to choose that love.” She lowered her voice. “…If they don’t want to be hurt, they can just go ahead and choose another love.” I suddenly remembered the last day of the summer study trip. Even though I’m not even in love yet, I was miserably jealous in the middle of that barbecue. Was Nanase in the wrong, for spending time with Kazuki and not considering my feelings? Was it Nanase’s fault for happily talking about Kazuki in front of me? Should Nanase be responsible for my jealousy? —Of course not. “Let me rephrase,” Yua continued. “Yuuko was miserable after you rejected her. At the same time, I came to your place, Saku. Yuzuki came, too, and so did Haru. Was that underhanded of us?” “No! You were all just trying to cheer me up.” Yua didn’t respond to that and changed the subject of the conversation. “Yuuko, you didn’t meet with anyone until I came to your house, right?” Yuuko shook her head, looking down. “…Kaito came to my house every day after that to comfort me.” Yua looked at me again. “Hey, Saku. Was Yuuko being underhanded? She was getting comforted by another boy right after the big rejection, right?” “No way, not at all. It’s normal to rely on friends when you need them.” Actually, I’d felt hugely relieved when I heard Kaito was looking after Yuuko. “For the most part, I was the one who declined Yuuko’s feelings. After that, no matter what Yuuko did or who with, I have no reason to blame her—Wait.” Suddenly, I feel a sense of déjà vu about my own words. Yua tilted her head slightly and smiled gently. “Yeah, I think so, too. And I feel exactly the same toward you, Saku.” That sounded familiar, of course. “But you turned Yuuko down quite clearly, in front of me and everyone else. So there’s no need for you to feel any type of way about what you do with anyone going forward, right?” Yua had said that right at the beginning. Why? I wondered. Why did I feel like it was my fault? I could have shouldered my pain alone, obsessed over it, refused to spend time with any other girl after turning Yuuko down. I could have rejected the kindness from Yua, by all the others, then cursed and blamed myself forever. Would I have wanted the same for Yuuko? No. I would have wanted someone to be by her side. I would have wanted someone to hear her out and comfort her, if she could be comforted after all that. Forget about me, just please…please feel better. As soon as possible. …Yes, that’s what I wanted for her. Is the only difference that one confessed feelings and the other rejected them? But even if the roles were reversed… I think… No, I know I’d still blame myself and not want Yuuko to feel hurt. As if she’d been waiting for the right moment, Yua continued. “So it’s the same this time around, right? You chose that answer based your guilt toward Yuuko, right?” “In a nutshell, I think so…” “In the end, it seems to me that you’re trying to take responsibility for other people’s loves. If Yuuko is also in your heart, you shouldn’t really want to give her a definitive answer right here and now, don’t you think? You should consider it a little more and really work through your feelings. And if so, then isn’t it fine to carry on like this?” “But…” “Yuuko’s the one in love, so she should get to decide for herself whether that’s right.” Yua stepped closer. Then she gently put her hand on my chest. “I think both of us, Yuuko and I…we don’t want you to be the only one grinning and bearing the hard stuff or making sacrifices on our account.” Tightly grasping my T-shirt… “Saku, you’re the one who said we should become friends who can fill in each other’s missing puzzle pieces, like a real family, right? You were the one who made me realize how frustrating it is not being able to speak your mind, and how disappointing it is to feel like others can’t rely on you. Right?” She looked up sadly. “If you truly do care about us, let us carry our own burdens.” She gently took my hand and held it in front of her chest. “You too, Yuuko.” She held out her free hand to Yuuko, then placed it on top of mine. Our three hands overlapped—Yua on the bottom, then me, then Yuuko. Yua gently closed her eyes and spoke. “You don’t have to end your love for the sake of someone else. Don’t worry about the girls around you. If you love someone, just say so. That’s not weakness; it’s strength.” “But, Ucchi…” “It takes a lot of courage to tell someone you love them. Especially if they’re a good friend. Keeping it secret is safer; you can stay friends as normal.” I could feel Yuuko’s hand twitch on top of mine. Yua slowly opened her eyes and continued. “—But we’re the ones choosing not to speak up, in that case. So there’s no need for Yuuko to shoulder any of that burden.” In some way, it sounded like she was speaking to herself. “Ever since that day, I’ve been watching you both. Saku is willing to sacrifice himself for someone else. And, Yuuko, you only think about people you find more important than yourself.” The hand beneath mine was warm. “It’s not good for two people like that to misunderstand each other this way, especially not when they’re both trying so hard to be considerate.” “Yua…” “Ucchi…” “We grew up in different environments, and our values and personalities are completely different. We know that, and we still came together anyway. I think everyone should be able to find love the way they want, even if it means inconveniencing others or being sneaky for their own benefit.” That’s… “You know you taught me that, right, Saku?” She wore a slightly mischievous expression. “So,” Yua continued. “There may be times in the future where someone gets hurt, or someone else hurts you. But if you still want to be together, then what I think is…” She put her other hand on top and gently pressed our hands between hers. It was like she was testing the strength of where we were joined. “—Let’s hold hands and go forward together.” She was, like her name suggests, a gentle, enveloping sky. “And then, one day, we’ll all decide to face up to our own feelings of love.” Yeah… I see it now, how closely Yua watched us all. The back of my nose suddenly stung, and I felt myself squeezing our layered hands. Can I lean on this kindness and warmth? Is it okay if I go looking for it? I wondered if I’d missed something else. Had I been wrong this whole time? Then… “—Wait just a second!!!” Yuuko yelped, as if this ending wasn’t good enough for her. Dropping our layered hands, Yua jumped in surprise. “What about you, Ucchi?! What about your feelings?!” “Huh…?” —Drip.