* * * “Will you come, if you feel like having a conversation between the three of us? If you don’t show…that’s fine. I’ll be there on a date with Saku instead.” “…” I heard the door bang shut as Yuuko left the dressing room. I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door. I dried myself with the bath towel and put on the clean underwear and dress that Yuuko had laid out for me. Oh, I remember this dress. “It’s not really me, so how about I give it to you, Ucchi?” That’s what Yuuko said. And she sent me a pic of it. I placed my hand on my chest for a moment. After that, I quickly dried my hair and thanked Kotone before leaving the house. Apparently, Yuuko was up in her room again. “I’ll be waiting for you, Yuuko,” I muttered, looking up at the window from the front step. Then I left. I won’t be long…Saku. —Back to today. Yuuko came to the festival. I believed it would all be just fine. But a part of me was worried. If we missed this twilight chance, we’d never be able to return to our original relationships. I just knew it somehow. When I saw Yuuko standing behind the torii gate, I had a sudden urge to hug her and start crying, but I managed to hold back. “So let’s talk.” Right. That’s what I said. The hands through which we connected were warm, and my heart swelled a little. In a row together, we started walking. Saku, Yuuko, and me. The two of them seemed a little confused, but they came along without saying anything. The festival venue was a little too lively for us to talk about something this important there. We went to the Yokokan Garden, which was about five minutes on foot from the shrine. We paid the entrance fee and went inside. This place used to be the seat of the Matsudaira clan, the feudal lords of Fukui. I don’t know much about it, but the facade of the mansion is in the style of a traditional Japanese teahouse. The architecture of that era is very beautiful, and it looks stunning when it’s lit up at night. On a non-festival day, it’s usually pretty quiet. I was thinking of moving to the nearby park if there were too many other people there, but when I looked around, it seemed like we were the only ones. There was still plenty of time until it closed, so we’d have a good chance to have a calm discussion. It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, and I wished I could take my time and look around, but instead we went around the promenade and sat on the mansion’s long veranda. It was Saku, me, and then Yuuko. The setting sun spilled across the glossy green garden in front of us and the surface of the pond beyond it. The cool breeze that came through the mansion brought the calming scent of wood and tatami mats. “Well, where shall we begin?” I asked, and I felt the shoulders on both sides of me twitch. Sitting so close together, I could sense how they were feeling. After a short silence, Saku spoke first. “Well, to start off… What exactly should we talk about?” I smiled a little and then answered. “I think there’s several things. Saku, don’t you have anything you want to ask Yuuko?” “…” There was no response, so I continued. “Well, I do.” I looked at each of them. “—For example, why did you confess your feelings to Saku, Yuuko?” I’d been waiting to ask that one. ““…”” Both of them inhaled sharply. “I mean…” Saku’s voice was strained. “Isn’t it obvious?” “So then, Yuuko wanted to be your girlfriend… That’s why?” “Right.” “Is that really true, though?” I asked. “…What do you mean?” He looked slightly angry, as if he thought I was making light of Yuuko’s feelings. No, no, that’s not it. I shook my head mentally, then continued. “Saku, didn’t you have any doubts when she confessed?” After thinking a little about my question, Saku spoke. “…Honestly, I wondered, Why now? It was right after the summer study trip was over. I may just be unobservant, but I felt like it wasn’t really the right situation for a big confession…” “For sure,” I said. “I don’t have any experience with that kind of thing myself, but normally when a close friend confesses their feelings to you, it’s a gradual process, isn’t it? But I guess Yuuko’s made no secret of the fact that she likes you. So maybe this could have been an exception.” Saku looked down sadly, no doubt reliving the past. Yuuko tugged the sleeve of my yukata. I put my hand gently over hers and kept talking. “That’s all that stood out to you?” “…Yeah, I guess.” “I think there was more about the situation that seemed unnatural.” “Unnatural how?” Yuuko’s fingers closed over my wrist. Like she was begging me not to say anything. I’m sorry, but…if I don’t do this, we’ll stay stuck where we are. I looked straight ahead. “—I wonder why Yuuko chose that occasion to confess at all.” Saku seemed surprised. “I mean, we’d just made some long-lasting memories together.” As I spoke, I narrowed my eyes, fumbling through my memory. I think Saku had noticed this odd discrepancy, too. I held Yuuko’s hand tightly. “No, what I mean is: Why’d she specifically do it in front of everyone?” ““…”” I didn’t wait for a reply. “I mean, it goes without saying, if you’re going to confess, it’s usually when you’re alone, right? It can be in the form of a phone call or a LINE chat. I mean, if you’re both friends, you both want something more, and you both know it, one person has to break the stalemate and confess. But that’s not what this was. If Yuuko did get turned down, it would put everyone’s friendships at risk, including her friendship with Saku. I think Yuuko knew that it would have a big impact, right? But suppose her dream came true instead. What if Yuzuki, Haru, and I also like you, Saku? Wouldn’t it be a bit cruel to do it in front of us? We all know Yuuko causes people to run around after her without meaning to, but I can’t see any way that she wouldn’t have been aware of that possibility… We’re friends, so I’d know.” Yuuko had my hand pressed against her forehead, and I ran my free hand over her hair. “And more than all that…” I continued, enunciating my words. “…Yuuko, did you ever have even the slightest hope that your confession might go well?” Saku looked confused by that. “Ucchi…” Yuuko had tears in her eyes. I took out a handkerchief from my purse and mopped her eyes. “Maybe it has something to do with that day?” Yuuko looked down and tightly gripped her skirt across her knees. “Can you tell us?” “I can’t…I can’t tell you that…” “It’s okay. I’m here with you, okay?” I patted my best friend on the back as she trembled slightly. I, Yuuko Hiiragi…am a sneaky bitch. What sparked my interest in Ucchi was that day, in homeroom. My actions put her on the spot, so I went to apologize again to her the next day. At first, that was all I was going to do, but it was kind of funny how the calm and quiet Ucchi was so combative with Saku. I wondered if maybe she hid part of herself, the way I had. I wanted to know more, so I found extra opportunities to talk to her. Ucchi was always so polite. She chose her words carefully, trying to make sure she didn’t offend anyone. She was like that during the homeroom incident, too. I tend to speak without thinking, so this was fresh and intriguing. As we talked, she had a calming effect on me. And I even started to feel a little lonely. I’d always felt like there was a transparent wall around me that led to me getting special treatment from the other kids at school. But Ucchi seemed to have surrounded herself with a transparent wall of her own making, one designed to keep people out. It seemed to me that she was holding back something, and that her airtight room was suffocating her. But for some reason, she was never that way with Saku, right from the beginning. She showed irritation. And her words seemed designed to sting. When they talked, Ucchi seemed to breathe a little easier. I guess, in a way, she reminded me a little of how I’d been until I met Saku. I kept trying to get to know her better. Then the second semester came. I decided to invite Ucchi to grab ramen. I wanted to get to know her better, of course, but also…I thought Saku could be the one to break down Ucchi’s glass walls. So… When Ucchi panicked and ran out of the ramen restaurant… “Saku, go after Ucchi! We’ll take care of the tab!” I completely meant it, too. …And then the next day came. Ucchi called me Yuuko for the first time. She was different. Her entire aspect had softened and grown warm. And instead of the awkward smile she’d always worn, this new smile of hers bloomed bright as a dandelion. Wow. Even Ucchi can smile like that, I thought. I was glad I left it to Saku after all. She needed him… Just like I’d needed him, that one time. “Honestly, Yuuko, Yua, what a fuss to make over using first names.” “You stay out of this, Saku.” Huh? Saku…? It was just a minor change. She’d changed how she referred to us. Both of us. Ucchi’s tone was friendly toward those she’d opened her heart to; the distance between us was so much closer than it had been only a day ago. Nothing strange really. Saku had recently started calling me by my first name, too. I invited her to grab ramen, thinking it would be nice if this happened someday. I sent Saku after her, thinking he would be able to help her. So this is fine. It’s what I wanted to happen, right? So then, why? Even as we all welcomed Ucchi together, it felt like something was stuck in my throat, making it hard to breathe. After a week of quiet inner confusion, lunch break came around. Our group, which now included Ucchi, got our desks together and opened up our lunches. “Hey! Saku! Where’d you get that homemade bento?!” Kaito yelped. “Keep your voice down.” Saku laughed and rolled his eyes. “It’s the same as Ucchi’s!” “Well, you know how it is.” “No? How is it?!” Ucchi and Saku have the same bento…? Wait a minute. What does that mean? Saku frowned and looked at Ucchi next to him. Ucchi shrugged very slightly, as if saying “It’s okay.” Like a secret form of telepathy that only the two of them could understand. “You know,” Ucchi said, “My parents got divorced when I was in elementary school, and my mom left. So I basically do all the housework, including the cooking. And Saku lives alone, right? So I just gave him some of our leftovers ’cause I made too much.” “What? Wow, Saku! Nice! What about me, Ucchi?” Asano asked her. “You always bring a big lunch, don’t you? You don’t need more.” “Nooooo!!!” I didn’t know what to do as the exchange unfolded in front of me. I just didn’t get it. Was Saku eating a homemade bento from Ucchi? No, more importantly… Just like Saku, Ucchi’s family is also divorced. And her mom’s gone. They understood each other’s pain and sorrow more than anyone else ever could. They had a special connection I could never understand. My heart was prickling. This was unfair. That horrible word suddenly sprang into my mind, and I was horrified. …What…am I doing? That’s the first thing that comes to my mind when I hear about the awful stuff that happened with Ucchi’s family? I’m such a bitch. Even if it was only for a moment, I couldn’t help but think of my new friend’s extremely painful past as convenient, a tool to shorten the distance between the boy I like and me. Even just imagining my own mother away…was an unbearable thought. Trying to distract myself, I shoved a mouthful of food into my mouth. It was a hamburg steak, with half ketchup and half Worcestershire sauce. Mom’s not really good at cooking, but she always wakes up early every day and makes me a bento. Usually from leftovers or the frozen section. But today…the food tasted like cardboard, and I couldn’t swallow it. Even though I knew I shouldn’t, I couldn’t stop these terrible thoughts. What happened after Saku chased after Ucchi? What does Saku think of Ucchi, and what does Ucchi think of Saku? Why were they getting along so well when they just became friends? Why did they walk into school together that day? And it was the first time I’d ever seen Ucchi wearing a wrinkled shirt… What should I do? —Ucchi’s going to steal the lead out from under me. Even though I fell in love with him first. Even though I’d been by his side longer. Even though I invited Ucchi to Hachiban’s. Even though I was the one who asked Saku to go after Ucchi. It was the first time in my life that I’d felt like this. I’ve always gotten along well with both boys and girls. When someone fell in love, I cheered them on, and when couples got together, I congratulated them from the bottom of my heart. But now I… —I’m not the only girl who likes Saku—or who Saku might like back. I came to realize that really obvious fact. Plenty of girls had liked him since school started. He never told me about it, but I know from the rumor mill that several girls had confessed to him. Fundamentally, though, Saku tried to keep his distance from them, and the only ones he’s on really good terms with are Yuzuki and Haru on the basketball team. But even with them, it’s just casual chitchat in the halls. I’m the only girl who was always by Saku’s side. Was I wrong in thinking I was special? I assumed I was the only one who was really in love with Saku. At the very least, I was the only girl who watches over and understands Saku the most. I was naive. And that was a big mistake. Right under my nose, the distance between Saku and Ucchi was closing. Maybe they’d already become closer than he and I were. Maybe I can be Saku’s girlfriend someday…, I’d thought. God, I was delusional. That hope of mine could end anytime… If not today, maybe tomorrow. After all, Saku had rescued Ucchi the way he’d saved me—there was no guarantee she wouldn’t fall in love with Saku the same way, too. There was no guarantee Ucchi wouldn’t confess her feelings right away. When lunch break was over… “Ucchi, do you have some time after school?” I asked, and I wasn’t totally sure why. “Yeah! We don’t have club today, so it’s okay.” My heart ached hearing how light and happy Ucchi’s voice was. I didn’t know love until I met Saku. Jealousy and envy were growing in my heart—I couldn’t resist it, but I couldn’t acknowledge it, either. After school, I borrowed the key from Saku and Ucchi, and I headed up to the roof. I lied to the person I liked, saying I just wanted to show it to Ucchi once. “I didn’t know we could get up here.” Ucchi looked around by the railing, breathing in the fresh air. I stood beside her. “Actually, we need to get permission to come up here. Although Saku got a key from Kura, so he comes and goes whenever he wants.” “Ah-ha-ha. Yeah, sounds about right,” Ucchi said. “Come to think of it, Mr. Iwanami told me once that Saku and I are similar.” “D-did he, now?” “Although, I’m not sure he knows what he’s talking about. We’re not similar at all.” Gazing at the distant sky, her hair fluttering, her eyes narrowed with love. Oh, I knew it. Just by looking at her profile, I could tell. When Ucchi said Saku’s name…she felt the same way I did. But maybe now… “Listen!” I said, surprising myself. Ucchi’s eyebrows rose. “It may be rude to ask this so suddenly, but…can I ask you something important?” “What?” I nodded once. “I want to get along better with you, so I want to make this clear first.” “Yeah, I understand.” Ucchi turned to me and stood up straight. She held her folded hands in front of her elegantly, and I was a little distracted by the sight of them for a second. “Well, um…” I took a deep breath. “Ucchi, do you have a crush on anyone right now? Because I have a crush on Saku!” Before I knew it, I’d said something I shouldn’t have. Actually, I was just going to ask if there was someone she liked. I was going to hold back. But I exposed my own feelings… “Huh…?” Ucchi’s eyes widened in surprise, and… “Um, uh…” She looked around, then squeezed her eyes shut. A small crease formed between her brows, and she pressed her lips together. Her fingers were now splayed, tightly grasping the folds of her skirt. She opened her mouth briefly to speak, then closed it again. After repeating that several times, she put her right hand on her chest, closed her eyes, and took several deep breaths. The next time Ucchi looked at me, she smiled just like when we first met. “I don’t have a crush on anyone.” She was very clear and direct. Her eyes were colored with gentleness. “Ah…,” I mumbled. This isn’t right. I shouldn’t do this. I should take it all back and apologize… …Crick. Just then, the roof door opened, and… “Hey, I was thinking of going home soon, just so you know.” With his hands in his pockets, Saku came ambling over. It’s okay. I still have time. I’m sorry, Ucchi. Forget what I said. Let’s discuss this again tomorrow. I tightened my fists and looked at the blue sky… “You know, Saku…” I said. “Hmm?” He yawned and looked at me, and I said… “…I like you.” Before I knew it, my lips formed the shape of a faint smile. At the edge of my vision, Ucchi’s shoulders twitched. “Oh, right. You’re my one true love, et cetera.” He’d taken it as a joke. “No!” I took one step, two steps closer. “In a romantic way! Like, a boy-girl way! I want to be your girlfriend! I like you that much!” I made sure he could see the sincerity in my eyes, so he couldn’t dismiss it. But… “…What’s this all about?” The moment I saw the sadness on his face, I knew. I could see right through to that beating heart. Oh, that’s right. “Yuuko, I’m…” So I… “Wait a minute! You don’t have to answer now!” I forced my words and my feelings into a different shape. “Huh…?” I forged ahead, before he could say anything one way or another. “I just wanted you to know that I think about you that way, Saku. But I don’t need an answer until I confess properly someday. I want to stay friends, like we were before. Is that okay…?” For a moment, Saku just looked dumbfounded, like Ucchi did a moment ago. Then slowly… “…I understand. If this isn’t a real confession, then there’s no way I can turn you down, either way. For now, I’ll just accept your feelings.” “Okay! Then the three of us should walk home together!!!” I’m a sneaky bitch. Even though I tried to be friends with Ucchi myself, even though I convinced Saku to go after Ucchi and help her, even though I’m happy that we finally became friends, even though I’m convinced that Ucchi likes Saku… I’m still doing this. And I was still basking in that sweet afterglow. Saku didn’t reject me. He said he would accept my feelings. Sneaky, cunning, horrible, selfish. And yet… There was a smile on my face. And yet… My heart was crying. —About a year had gone by since then. Yua and I just silently listened to Yuuko talk. It was so painful. It was obvious how bad she felt as she spoke. It sounded like she was about to cry. I kept trying to make her stop, over and over. I told her it’s okay, you don’t have to do this. Of course I remembered the incident on the roof, but it was the first time I’d heard about the exchange between the two of them, or about the secret feelings behind her open declaration of love. Oh, right. Yuuko and me, Yuuko and Yua, and the trio of all of us… Our friendship had lasted until this summer vacation, and I feel like it had really begun on that day. “Guh… Ngh…” Yuuko let out a sob, but she never stopped talking. She seemed to deeply regret what she’d done. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry; I’m so, so sorry, Saku.” As she listened, Yua continued to rub her best friend’s back, occasionally wiping her tears away with a handkerchief. But those acts of kindness seemed to hurt Yuuko even more. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Yuuko just kept apologizing over and over, like a scolded child. “I don’t deserve to say that you betrayed me as a friend… Or that I’m his endgame girl… I don’t have the right to try keeping others away… And yet…” I wanted to tell her that she was wrong. It doesn’t matter how it started, I could say. The time we spent together was real. But I couldn’t say such shallow words of comfort. Yuuko continued, her expression pained. “Honestly…I should have expressed it earlier; I should have apologized… That’s what I kept thinking. But I was scared.” Yuuko grasped Yua’s yukata. “Because if I talked about it, it would all be over. I’m in the wrong, I know. I’ve been deceiving you both this whole time, and I knew I shouldn’t, but I still…” She sucked in a breath, her voice cracking as she spoke… “I didn’t want either of you to hate me!” Her shout was like a strangled prayer. “Gack, ack,” she coughed. Her shoulders heaved as she fought for air. Watching her cling to Yua was breaking my heart. “I thought I was prepared, but…I didn’t want that. It doesn’t matter if we’re not friends anymore. It doesn’t matter if I can’t be your girlfriend. All I care about is just being around you. So please…don’t hate me…” What should I say? What could I say to make her feel better? What could I do…? As I stood there, at a total loss… “It’s okay.” Yua spoke, stroking Yuuko’s hair. “I told you, right? We both shared our weaknesses that day.” “Ucchiii…” “So let me ask again,” she continued. “Yuuko, did you ever have even the slightest hope that your confession might go well?” Why? I wondered. Why was Yua…? Why was she still hung up on that? Ever so gently, she was driving Yuuko into a corner. “I knew…” I realized Yuuko’s hands were shaking. She was fighting for breath and wiping away her tears. —Thump. She got to her feet, as if squaring up against Yua. She glared back and forth between us, her eyes filled with a mix of sadness and anger… “I knew it wouldn’t!!!” Yuuko yelled at the top of her lungs. “I’ve been watching Saku this whole time, ever since the day I fell in love with him! Every day I fell asleep thinking about Saku, and when I woke up, I’d be thinking about him, too! I know better than anyone that I could never be special to Saku that way—not yet!!!” “Huh…?” That was something I never expected to hear, and I asked exactly what I was thinking. “Then why…?” Yuuko gripped her skirt tightly and looked down. “You might not believe me, but…” Slowly, she began to speak. “It’s true that I kept thinking that, one day, I’d have to correct the mistake I made. But the relationship between the three of us, the time we spend together, made me so happy. I wasn’t paying attention. I started to think…it would be fine to stay like this forever.” She narrowed her eyes, as if reminiscing. “But…,” she continued. “In the second year, we all became friends with Yuzuki and Haru. Yuzuki had that stalker… And then there was the stuff with Haru and baseball and basketball… And they got closer to you, Saku, just like Ucchi did… By the time I realized it, we weren’t that well-balanced triangle anymore.” She twisted her fingers in front of her, like she was making excuses. “To tell the truth…it made me nervous when I saw the announcement of the class change in second year. And when Yuzuki and Haru immediately started talking to us in the classroom. Our group was Saku, Ucchi, Kaito, Kazuki, and me. I didn’t think we needed anyone else. I knew that both Yuzuki and Haru got along with Saku. That’s why I joked around that Saku and I were endgame, and Ucchi was the sidepiece—so I could keep them in their place. I really am a bitch.” The tears that had started to dry were flowing down her cheeks again. “Ugh, those two… It would have been so much better if they were as bad as me.” Yuuko smiled forlornly. Her glistening eyes were red with the cast of the setting sun, a light that seemed both ephemeral and fleeting. Before I could reach out my hand, Yua stood up and gently put her arm around Yuuko. Yuuko continued with tears in her eyes. “At first, I thought Yuzuki might become my archnemesis. She made a move on Saku right away, almost like she was trying to provoke me. It was only temporary—and necessary—but still. She was playing the role I’d dreamed about—being Saku’s girlfriend. So she and I butted heads a bit. But I’ve never met another girl who can talk so much about fashion and beauty stuff. We promised to go shopping together in Kanazawa. She’s cool but occasionally stubborn, and it’s hard not to love how she tries her best for the people she cares about. I really, really like Yuzuki.” She chuckled, tears slipping into her open mouth, and I heard her swallow hard. “And Haru—you know, I thought she was really cool from the beginning. She has something she’s thrown her whole life into, and she fights toward that goal. It’s like how Saku was when he was still playing baseball, I thought. So it made sense that Haru was the one who made you deal with the baseball stuff. Okay, so she sucks at fashion, makeup, and girly things. But she tries her best at those, too, for the person she cares about. And how could I refuse to help her with that stuff when she came to me so earnestly? I really, really like Haru, too.” Her voice was trembling. Hiccupping, she sniffed hard. The expression on her face was one she would normally never show anyone. “You know, Saku…I was watching.” Yuuko looked down, a little apologetically. “On the day of the fireworks festival, when I went looking for you. I saw Yuzuki holding the sleeve of your yukata while you watched the fireworks together.” “—Listen, that was…” But Yuuko cut me off. “I asked everyone, at night, during the summer study trip… ‘Does anyone have a crush on someone now? Because I have a crush on Saku!’ I used the exact same words I said to Ucchi that day.” Her expression twisted, as if she’d lost all control of it. “But no one… No one was ready to be honest. Not Yuzuki, not Haru, and not Ucchi, either. Of course, I don’t know for sure if everyone likes you, too, Saku. Maybe they just didn’t feel like telling me. But…but you know…!” She clenched her fists atop her knees, as if she was trying to hold herself together. “Yuzuki was so happy watching the fireworks with you…there’s no way she doesn’t have deep feelings! And Haru—there’s no way a girl would cheer that passionately at your baseball game and not secretly wish for something! “And again,” Yuuko muttered. “Again, I got in the way of people I thought were precious friends. It’s my fault. I act all ditzy and stick to you like glue and talk about how I like you—I wasn’t your girlfriend, but I sure acted like it. Some girls are nice and keep their feelings to themselves for the sake of other people. And some girls can’t really face their own feelings for people. Ever since I was little, all I wanted was to have friends who were dear to my heart and a person I loved.” Wait a minute, so that means… “So I thought I had to bring this situation to some kind of conclusion. That day on the roof, I was the first to do something unfair. I really didn’t want to confess like that! But—but—but…” She pressed her lips together, then forced them apart. “I knew that if nothing changed…Ucchi and Yuzuki and Haru…” She clutched her chest, as if she were in physical pain. “And Saku, who I loved the most… I knew that as long as I was in the way, that you were too nice to let me get hurt. You’d try not to see sadness on my face. I hesitated to take the first step because I was lying to myself. Because I’d lose the chance to tell the people I love how much they meant to me. That’s why!!!” With both eyes brimming full of tears, she looked right at me. “I wanted the guy who was special to me…to find the one who was special to him!!!” She shouted the words with all her heart and fell to her knees, like a puppet whose strings had been cut. “Yuuko!” “Yuuko!” Yua crouched next to her, and I quickly followed suit. Yuuko was breathing heavily from all the crying and talking. Yua slowly rubbed her back. “I’m sorry, Yuuko. That was painful, wasn’t it? It must have hurt so much. Thank you for talking to us about it.” I bit my lip as I listened. I was sick and tired of my own stupidity. I didn’t pick up on any of this, even though Yuuko was always right by my side. I should have known what kind of girl she is. I couldn’t believe it. This whole time… —Her love confession wasn’t about starting something new. It was about bringing something to an end. Only now did I understand what Yua was trying to get at. I found my mouth moving before I could put my thoughts in order. “So the reason you deliberately chose to do it in front of everyone…” Yuuko, who had calmed down a little, giggled a bit. “Like I said, Saku, you’re kind. If I confessed to you when we were alone, I was sure you’d just pretend it didn’t happen. You’d keep it a secret from the others, and we’d go on as before. That wouldn’t have worked. I had to end it for real, in front of everyone. I had to make sure everyone knew it was over.”
Chapter 92
27 min read