Chapter 91

CHAPTER 8 A Gentle Sky I pulled on my yukata over my underslip. The design was white peonies blooming on a violet background. I’d secretly bought it new, just for today. After a little hesitation, I tied on the obi belt with flowers in the same shade of violet, in a windflower knot. I was putting my sentiments into the flower symbolism. I, Yua Uchida, looked at myself in the mirror. For some reason, a nostalgic image arose from my memory. Maybe I look a little like Mom. The thought made me smile. I’m glad that moments like this give me more warmth than loneliness and sadness now, and in turn, it makes me think of Saku. He seemed disappointed to see me wearing ordinary clothes last time, so he’d be sure to give me some exaggerated compliments this time around. He would do that for anyone. Because he was kind to everyone. Lately, he’d been so depressed all the time. I hoped I’d be able to make him smile a little. As the thoughts ran around and around my mind, I did my hair. It’s actually more efficient to do it before putting on the yukata, so I wonder why I left it for last? I may have wanted this kind of contemplative time today. Come to think of it, I thought, it really is just like her… The hair that I’d started to grow out with such tender hopes was now quite long. I ran my fingers through it, thinking about how this length symbolized the time we spent together and the memories I’d accumulated. Various emotions swirled in my chest. The night you discovered me, the days I spent with you, the feelings you taught me, the pain you made me realize. And the feelings I’ve hidden from you all this time. Picking up a kanzashi for my hair, I noticed a beautiful seashell on my desk. I slipped it into my purse as a good-luck charm. Then I got dressed, went down to the first floor, and took my wooden geta out of the shoe closet. Clonk. One of the clogs fell on its side and made a heavy, empty sort of sound. When I reached out to right it again, my fingertips trembled slightly. I put my hand on my chest and took a deep breath. “It’s okay.” I murmured those words again and slowly threaded my toes through the thong strap. I, Saku Chitose, stood in front of the torii gate of the shrine that was a few minutes’ walk from the Fukui prefectural office. Yua and I planned to meet at five PM. Even though it was late summer, the sun was still very much up. Inside the shrine grounds, small children were running around clutching sticks of cotton candy and candy apples. In the adjacent park, groups of middle and high school–aged couples were giggling together. The festival should have happened much sooner than this, but I’d heard it was postponed this year. It’s nice, though, at the end of August, I thought. —Clonk, clonk, clonk. As I took in the sights and sounds around me, I heard the careful approach of wooden shoes. “Thanks for waiting, Saku,” Yua said shyly. “How…how do I look?” This was the first time I’d ever seen her wearing a yukata. She seemed to embody that term from another era, yamato nadeshiko: a traditional Japanese beauty. Her hands, gently folded in front of her body, her graceful straight-backed posture, her toes that were pointed slightly inward. Graceful, modest, beautiful. Like she’d been snipped out of a book of festival photographs. But I didn’t say any of that. “I’d expect no less of you, Yua. You wear that very well.” I limited myself to a general evaluation. Yua’s eyelashes twitched, and then she grinned, as if she was covering for some other emotion. Her little purse swayed on its cord, as if she’d gripped tighter with her hands. Her fingertips were painted with an unusually pale violet shade of nail polish. Her lips, brighter than usual, seemed to move cautiously. “Thank you. I was worried because I’m not used to tying my own obi, but I’m very happy that you said that. I think I can relax and enjoy the festival now. Thank you.” It seemed to me that she was using a few more words than were necessary, and the double thank-yous alluded to something that Yua wasn’t saying. My chest was a little heavy, but it’s fine like this. I shook off the memory of Nanase’s fake smile in the back of my mind. “…Saku, you’re wearing plain clothes…,” Yua muttered quietly, as if she were talking to herself. Looking down, I saw my own worn-out sports sandals, light denim jeans, and white T-shirt. I chose this outfit on purpose. I didn’t want to make it a special day. I didn’t want to make an event of it. “Then, I’ll wear a yukata next time, too, so let’s go to the festival together, okay?” I’m sure, back then… Yua hadn’t said “both of us” when she was talking about dressing up. Even though I understood, I pretended not to notice. One of the yukatas I had was given to me by Yuuko. After the day Nanase and I dressed up for the festival, Yuuko was salty about it. So I fake-smiled and said: “I never seem to be able to put it on right by myself.” It was just a line. Yua smiled somewhat sadly. “Well, next time I’ll help you put it on again.” She spoke like I was a wayward puppy. “Let’s go, Saku.” “…All right.” And so we headed out to the summer festival, just the two of us. Clatter, clatter, clatter. Clomp, clomp, clomp. The narrow walkway made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t think this through, did I? I scolded myself. I agreed to come. I agreed to come with you. At the very least, I want you to enjoy it. At this rate, I was going to ruin it. “Yua, is there anything you want to eat?” I tried to force myself to be cheerful. “Hmm, maybe something light for now.” “Yakitori or something?” “Is that light to you, Saku?” “Then, mini cake balls?” “Those are for sharing. I’d rather save those for later.” “You’re surprisingly detail-oriented, aren’t you? Even at a festival, you’ve got it all preplanned, huh?” “Hee-hee, sorry?” “You know, Yua…” “Ye-es, Saku?” “If you’re wearing a yukata, no one will notice if your belly sticks out a little.” “—That’s a jugular squeeze. No backsies.” We finally found our normal rhythm. In the end, we didn’t touch the food and went for the shooting booth. I got a lot of the colorful plastic balls and bought a fox mask for Yua, who looked distinctly unimpressed. When I put it on the side of her head, it actually looked really good on her. We got thirsty and lined up at the stall to buy a drink, when… “Saku, what time is it?” Yua asked, looking around. I fished my phone out of my pocket. “It hasn’t even been half an hour yet. It’s almost seven thirty.” “I see; thank you.” It was still early evening, but the lights were starting to come on at the stalls. The voices of the beer-swilling old men grew louder, and colorful yukata sleeves and hems fluttered in the air. Dood dood doot. Piyo piyo piyo. Maybe I was imagining it, but the festival music playing throughout the shrine grounds seemed to be heating up, too. When it was our turn, I grabbed a bottle of Ramune soda. “What about you, Yua?” “Hmm, I guess the same.” “Roger that.” When I picked up a second bottle, Yua pulled back her yukata sleeve, rummaged in the crate of ice, and pulled out one for herself. “It’s okay. Yua. Let me get you one. As a thanks for all the dinners.” “Okay, thanks.” “…” “…” “Um, aren’t you going to put that one back?” “It’s okay; I’m still buying this one.” “Are you that thirsty?” “Don’t worry about it.” In the end, the two of us bought three bottles of Ramune between us and left the stall. I was worried about her unexplainable behavior, so I looked over at her and cleared my throat. But when I saw her side profile, I swallowed my words. Why was she…? Yua looped the elastic strap of the mask around her upper arm, gripped the Ramune bottle tightly with both hands, and stared up at the torii gate with a somewhat sad, prayerful gaze. She moved toward the gate, her feet dragging in her clogs. As if she didn’t want to go that way, but she was being drawn there just the same… I couldn’t say anything. One step, two steps, three steps. Gradually, she closed the distance, and… “Huh…?” With a thud, I dropped the plastic bag I was carrying in my left hand. Colorful plastic balls rolled across the stone pavement, and the red sunset cast soft tones all around. One of the balls hit someone standing by the torii gate, and it came to a stop. “Yuuko…?” It felt like it had been years since I said that name aloud. Without a doubt, it was Yuuko, hands gripping her skirt, eyes downcast, looking as if she might disappear in the blink of an eye. Why was she here? Just a coincidence? No. It couldn’t be. Ignoring my confusion, Yua stepped forward. “You came, Yuuko.” Yuuko finally, slowly raised her head and looked back and forth between Yua and me. “Saku… Ucchi…” Her voice sounded like it was about to crack with tears. The three of us stood in a perfect equilateral triangle. The shadows stretching out from us made it look like we were all standing side by side. “Saku’s here. Yuuko’s here. And so am I.” Yua stood tall and folded her hands in front of herself. “Maybe there’s still things we’ve left unsaid.” Clomp, clomp. She took Yuuko’s hand. “We’ve been hiding our feelings, both for ourselves and for others…” Clomp, clomp, clomp. She took my hand, too. “…Holding on tightly to a connection with someone after it’s been forged is a good thing.” “So…,” Yua said, smiling softly, looking down at our connected hands. “—Let’s talk.” She squeezed my fingertips tight. On the first day of Obon, I, Yua Uchida, lied to Saku when I said I had something to do at home. I finished cleaning and doing the laundry while it was still light out. Then, when the sun began to set, I headed alone to Yuuko’s house. Since that time when I chased after Saku, I hadn’t contacted her even once. It’s not that Yuuko didn’t respond. It was me. I avoided sending LINE messages or making any phone calls. There were several reasons. I was a little angry with Yuuko. I was a little worried about what she might think of me, too. I wouldn’t have known what to say to her anyway. …A not insignificant change had taken place in my heart, as well. So I took some time—for Yuuko, for Saku, and for me. I thought it would be better for everyone. But amid all that thinking, I found myself at Yuuko’s house. I spotted Kotone, crouching on the front stoop. It seemed like she’d been lighting a small welcoming spirit fire for the Obon festival, and soon the smoke was rising into the air. I wouldn’t have expected Kotone to follow that kind of ritual, I remember vaguely thinking. I felt a tightening in my chest. Yuuko and Kotone got along so well. She’d probably told Kotone all about everything, about me. Would Kotone be angry with me? Or sad, disappointed, or…? Last autumn, after I became friends with Yuuko, I came to hang out here loads of times. Each time, Kotone welcomed me with exuberant warmth. She gave me cookies and juice, cooked me meals, and drove me to the store to go shopping. When I told her about my family situation, she cried and hugged me like a real mother. “You did a great job after your mom left. You’ve been doing so well. Come visit me anytime.” I put my hand on my chest and took a slow, deep breath. Then I approached the front walk and hesitated, trying to decide what greeting was best for this time of day. Eventually, I said… “Good evening.” I called out to Kotone’s back, beyond the gate. The look on her face as she slowly turned to see who was behind her… She seemed a little tired. “Ucchi?!” As soon as she recognized who had called out to her, her face suddenly lit up. She hurriedly stood up and opened the gate with a clatter. “Well, I was wondering when you’d be by!” She hugged me tightly. Her elegant perfume tickled my nose. “Um, well…” I wasn’t sure what to say. “I’m sorry, Ucchi. My girl caused a real mess,” she murmured softly behind my ear. “Oh, no, if anything, I’m the one who made Yuuko—” “No, no.” Cutting me off, Kotone let me go and took a step back. “I heard the whole story. Of course, Yuuko’s been doing some soul-searching. But it sounds like she was the one who started it and hurt you and Chitose, too. Please, forgive her,” Kotone said, bowing her head. Before I could say anything, she continued. “But you know, as Yuuko’s mom, I was happy that she spoke up about her feelings. So I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry for the burdens that got placed on you both as a result.” She bowed deeply, once again. “Wait a minute. I’ll go call Yuuko.” As I watched her disappear behind the door, I smiled a little. It was a completely different reaction than I’d expected, but one that seemed to fit Kotone perfectly. After all, she was Yuuko’s mom. In the end, Yuuko wouldn’t even talk to me through the door that day. Kotone apologized over and over again and tried to sugarcoat things. She doesn’t want to talk to me. She doesn’t even want to look at me. …No, knowing Yuuko…she can’t. I think that’s what it is. In this past year, I’ve spent as much time with Yuuko as I have with Saku. At first, I felt like she was doing me a kindness by getting to know me and being my friend. But at some point… Yuuko became the first truly good friend I’d ever really had. So I could kind of tell how she was feeling. I was sure that tomorrow Yuuko would feel sorry. Then she would come around and decide to talk to me. …Right? I thought I was prepared for the first-ever rejection from my best friend, but it still brought a prickling pain and anxiety that I was sure would swallow me if I let my guard down. Will I really be able to talk to you tomorrow? Will you call my name again, or am I just totally kidding myself? I held in my weak inner whining as best I could. It’s okay. I told Kotone that I would be back tomorrow and turned away from the front door. Wow, I guess I didn’t need to go to all the trouble of making up a cover story to explain why I would have been late. I could have gone to make him dinner, after all. The evening of the following day. When I rang the doorbell on the front gate… “Ucchi…,” Yuuko answered the intercom, just as I’d hoped. “Evening.” I breathed a sigh of relief, and then there was a period of silence. I waited, no rush, until Yuuko finally spoke again. “Sorry about yesterday. But I’m still…” “No, it’s okay. Do you want to talk over the intercom today?” “…Would that be…okay?” “If it’s easier like this for you, Yuuko, I don’t mind at all.” As I spoke, I felt a sense of nostalgia. “Hee-hee. You know, Yuuko, you’re a bit like Yamazaki now.” “Hey!” Yuuko yelped. After a moment of embarrassment, she said, “Ucchi, you’re angry, aren’t you…?” There was a plaintive tone to her voice. “Yeah, I am,” I replied bluntly. “…” I could hear her holding her breath even through the intercom. Without going into further details, I asked her a question of my own. “What about you, Yuuko? Are you mad at me for chasing Saku?” “I’m not…angry. Just a little sad, I guess? No, that’s not right. I guess ‘I’m sorry’ is the closest to how I feel.” “I see.” “Ucchi, I think—” “You know, Yuuko,” I interrupted. “We’ve talked about a lot together, haven’t we?” “Yeah.” “Fashion, beauty, club stuff, homework, the past, the future, everyone we know, and Saku.” Yuuko laughed briefly. “The last one—I feel like I was the only one doing any talking.” I continued with a small smile. “Do you remember how that happened?” Yuuko thought for a moment before responding. “I guess it started after we went to Hachiban’s together for the first time?” “No, that may have been the catalyst for us becoming friends in the first place, but not for our current close friendship.” “Current…?” “We’re best friends. Can I say that?” “If you still feel that way, Ucchi…then, of course you can!” Her voice cracked a little at the end. Her words reassured me… But at the same time, I wanted to bite my lip and apologize. “The real catalyst,” I said, suppressing the tremble in my voice… “…was that day.” I looked away from the camera; Yuuko was probably watching me. “…Because we shared our weaknesses with each other.” But I was still facing her head-on. “Huh…?” “That’s right, Yuuko.” “What…?” “Did you think you were the one holding on to a huge secret all by yourself?” “I mean…” “You and I are the same.” I leaned against the wall to avoid the camera’s gaze. I was glad we were doing this over the intercom. Right now, I couldn’t stand to have anyone see my expression. “I’m going home today. I’ll come again tomorrow.” “Okay.” “But that will be the last time.” “Huh…?” “See you then, Yuuko.” Without waiting for an answer, I walked away. It was getting dark all of a sudden. I wondered if Saku had a real dinner tonight. The evening of the last day of Obon. When I visited Yuuko’s house, I found Kotone lighting a bonfire. The crackling smell of burning wood reminded me of a distant summer day. Noticing me, Kotone gave me a small smile and nodded, then went into the house without saying anything. When I rang the intercom, Yuuko appeared right away, as if she’d been waiting impatiently. “Ucchi?!” “Evening.” “After what you said yesterday, and then you left so suddenly, I was worried…” “I told you I’d come again today.” I smiled a little and continued. “Hey, Yuuko, how long do you plan on keeping this up?” “Keeping what up…?” “You’re just gonna run away from Saku and the rest of us?” “What…what gives you the right to question me? I was trying to face Saku head-on, you know? And after how that turned out, how can you blame me? I don’t even know how to face him! It isn’t my fault!” “Did you really face Saku head-on?” I knew my best friend was hurt, but I still spoke my mind. “What do you mean…?” “At least, it didn’t seem that way to me.” “That’s horrible! Why are you saying this?!” “Do you really have no regrets?” “…” “Is it okay with you if it just ends like this?” “You’ve been weird since yesterday, Ucchi. You’re not being very nice.” “Yeah, I’m aware of that.” “I’m sorry, I want you to go home today.” “You still won’t let me see you?” “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” “Then… Koff…sniff…” Drip, drip, drip. Patter, patter, patter. “Wait, Ucchi, what was that?” Oh right. Yuuko wasn’t watching the monitor. Well, I was also standing off camera so she couldn’t see me. I parted my soaked bangs as I responded. “Um, it’s been raining a little for a while now.” With that one word, the conversation suddenly stopped, and the front door was flung open. “Ucchi?!” And Yuuko finally showed me her face. “Long time no see.” She smiled. “It’s a little embarrassing for you to see me dressed like this.” The rain that suddenly started to fall intensified in an instant, and before I knew it, I was completely soaked. Yuuko’s face twisted up, as if she was about to cry. “You dummy! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?! You’re gonna get sick!” She’d rushed out in her pajamas. “I’m sorry; I was in the middle of an important conversation.” “Don’t give me that!” She grabbed my hand and yanked me inside the front hall. “Hey, Mom! Bring me some bath towels!” she called. Kotone popped up from farther back in the hall. “Oh, that was all your fault, Yuuko! Sorry, Ucchi!” “Not the time, Mom!” “All right, I’ll bring you a towel, so wrap her up and take her straight to the bathroom. The bath is already filled.” I panicked and waved my hand in front of my face. “Y-you don’t have to go that far…” Kotone laughed and sighed at me. “A towel’s not going to do much good when you’re soaked through. Yuuko, hop to it.” “All righty! I’ll prepare a change of clothes and new underwear for you.” “Wait a minute… Whoa!” In the end, the two of them dragged me into the bathroom. After I took a quick shower, Yuuko called out to me from the dressing room. “Ucchi, I’ll put a change of clothes here.” “Okay, thank you. I’m sorry for all the trouble.” “No… I’m the one who’s sorry.” Through the frosted glass, I saw Yuuko plop onto a chair, then she timidly continued. “We were in the middle of a conversation, weren’t we?” I put my arms on the edge of the bathtub and rested my chin on them. “Hee-hee. I got into the house, and yet we’re still talking through a door.” “Ah-ha-ha, that’s true.” After laughing awkwardly, Yuuko muttered. “What did you mean by ‘the end’? You said that yesterday.” I could hear her anxiety without even seeing her. “I mean cutting off the relationship entirely.” “…No, I don’t want that!” Despite how bad I felt, Yuuko’s fervor made me burst out laughing. She must have been thinking about the significance of what I said for a while. That was by design, but maybe I had been a little too mean. “Wait a minute, Yuuko. Will you hear me out?” “Ucchi, you were talking about cutting off the relationship…” “No, let me finish. I meant to say, ‘but not like how it sounds.’” “I don’t get it.” “You jumped the gun.” “I never know how to respond when people say that…” “Well, it’s mostly been you who’s been hiding, Yuuko.” “You’re saying mean things again.” I submerged myself up to my shoulders in the bathtub again. The hot water was slightly pink with the bath salts that Kotone put in. The scent was sweet and floral and sort of calming. I made a water gun with my hands and tried to shoot a little arc, but the hot water just splashed in my face. “Yuuko…” I rested my head on the side of the bath and gazed at the ceiling. “Today will be the last time I come to talk to you like this.” “Huh…?” “That’s what I mean by cutting off this current relationship.” “So you don’t want to be around me anymore?” “Hmm, it’s not like that.” I scooped up hot water in my palm and let it splash away. After doing that several times, I got out of the bathtub and stood in front of the door. “That was my plan if you kept this up, Yuuko—if you isolated yourself and decided never to talk.” Yuuko also stood up on the other side of the frosted glass, as if she’d sensed my presence. I put my hand on the door softly. “—I’m going to be with Saku after this.” I spoke clearly. “U…Ucchi?” Yuuko put her hand against mine on the other side of the door. “Everyone says you’re the endgame girl—but if you stepped aside, it would be fine if I moved up, right?” “Wait a minute, you mean…?” “At the festival. On August twenty-fourth. At five thirty PM.” I gave her the name of the shrine where we would meet.