CHAPTER 7 Fires for Returning Spirits, Fires for Departing Spirits A few days had passed since I rejected Yuuko’s declaration of love. I spent summer vacation in a state of inertia, like tearing out sheets of a daily calendar and throwing them straight in the trash. I’d sleep, wake up, eat breakfast, drink coffee, study, eat lunch, read a book, watch a movie, run, do some muscle training, and take a bath. It was a slow cycle of repetition. And when I still had too much time on my hands, I washed my futon and blankets at the laundromat, organized my bookshelves with all my miscellaneous novels, and polished my windows and mirrors instead of doing any general cleaning. Now that I was distant from both baseball and my friends, the days without school were too long, and I wished August would end sooner rather than later. But then the second semester would start. Caught between conflicting, unpleasant thoughts, I struggled for something else with which to occupy my hands and mind. It appeared that without Yuuko to drag me all over the place, my lifestyle had gotten a little sluggish. I got LINE messages from Nanase and Haru. I guess I can’t keep ignoring them forever. I took a long time deliberating over shorter responses than I usually ever sent and responded at measured intervals to avoid worrying them even more. Nanase probed carefully, trying to cheer me back to my regular self. “If I go over there to comfort you, is it gonna end with us both fleeing to colder climes in the north?” “Sounds like a good place to escape the heat.” “Oh, but in the summer, we should go south.” “But you said you want to grow vegetables in your own fields.” “Shall I send you some morning glory seeds?” “At least make it watermelons.” “Shall we all keep an observation diary?” “Too late. For that—and the seeds.” “I see. So if we want to sow morning glory and watermelon seeds, we should do it sooner, right?” “Yeah.” “Maybe next year, then.” “Thanks, Nanase.” “Sorry, Chitose.” Haru was brash, as if nothing had even really happened. “Chitose! You good?” “Getting by.” “Aw, you must be used to this by now!” “Maybe.” “Sorry, forget I said that!” “It’s fine; I don’t mind.” “I thought it’d be better to be glib!” “Right.” “Sorry, forget I said that, too! Sorry, I didn’t mean that…” “It’s okay, I get it.” “Aw, I’m not helping at all.” “It’s just nice to hear from you.” “Nothing’s going to change, you know!” “It’s not…?” “Nope! You’ve got free time, right? Okay, So Miss Haru’s gonna come play ball with you sometime soon. And you can teach me batting from scratch!” “Thanks, Haru.” “No prob, hubby.” Everyone had their approach, but I knew they were trying to cheer me up. I felt bad that I was making them worry like this. Kazuki and Kenta—and Yuuko and Kaito, too. I haven’t heard from any of them since that day. But the one who really kept me from despair all this time was… —Ding-dong! Just at that moment, the doorbell rang once. When I opened the door… “Evening! Chilled Chinese noodles today.” Yua held up a supermarket bag in front of her. I smiled dryly. “I didn’t lock it, so you can just walk on in, you know.” “Well, I figured I’d ring anyway. For discretion’s sake.” Every evening, since that day, Yua would come to cook dinner for me. Of course, there hadn’t been any more sleepovers. But even though I tried to tell her it was totally fine, she stubbornly refused to stop coming over to cook. Even if I asked her to at least make the meals ahead of time as usual and just bring me a portion, she would just say, “Food spoils too fast in the summer.” But thanks to her, I was able to keep one foot on solid ground. “Saku, which do you prefer, salty or not so salty?” “Salty.” “What kind of tomatoes do you like?” “I prefer cherry tomatoes to sliced.” “Mayo?” “Yes.” “Red ginger?” “Lots.” “All righty.” Yua and I didn’t even bother trying to discuss Yuuko anymore. It may be that I’d exhausted all that I had to say that night, or it might be because no amount of discussion would lead us to a satisfactory conclusion. However, even if I tried to return to my daily life somehow… Every so often, I’d become acutely aware of the colossal gap in my life now. For example, when I open my LINE messages. The name that used to be near the top is now way down at the bottom of the scroll. For example, whenever the skies are clear and beautiful. When I take out my phone to take a picture of it, I just put it away because I don’t have anyone to send it to anymore. For example, whenever I have a bad dream, I don’t hear that perky “Good morning!” call that always put it out of my mind. For example, when I’m eating the food that Yua made for me. I don’t have anyone to brag about jokingly anymore. It’s like walking down an unpaved gravel road in the countryside. I try to go straight, but little detours come up and confuse me. Something was rolling around inside me, spilling on the ground, being left behind forever. Like how a small child drags a hole in the bottom of a supermarket bag. I wondered if it would be like this until I graduated. The insipid redness of the setting sun came through the balcony windows, and I squinted against it. After she was done cleaning up dinner, Yua immediately started getting ready to go home. Apparently, she and her family had something to do tomorrow morning. Maybe that was why she was late coming over to make dinner. Only after discussing this with her did I realize it was August 12. Tomorrow was the start of the Obon period. A time for family. As usual, I didn’t notice because my own parents didn’t contact me. I called out to Yua as she was putting on her shoes at the entrance. “Please, spend time with your family during Obon. I’m fine now.” “…Really? Are you sure you’re going to eat right?” “Don’t smother me, Yua. I’m in high school. I can take care of myself, whether it’s eating instant ramen or going to the convenience store.” I repeated some of the words she’d used for her younger brother, but… “That’s not acceptable.” She pouted. “I was kidding. I’ll look after myself. Luckily, I have nothing but free time.” “…I see.” Yua smiled, accepting what I’d said and my little joke at my own expense. “Then, see you again at the end of Obon.” “Right. See you.” With my brief answer, she opened the door, and I called after her once more. “Thank you for everything. You really saved me.” Yua turned around, her eyes soft and smiling, and then closed the door firmly behind her. The air was thick with silence. I reached out and locked the door with a heavy clack. After pouring some barley tea into a cup, I went to lie down on the sofa. “Obon, huh?” I murmured, looking absently out the window. The end of summer is almost here, I thought. Ever since I was little, for some reason, Obon has been such a clear line in the passage of time. When I still had most of August left, I was excited to catch beetles, swim in the pool, and ride my bike, chasing the ends of rainbows. As soon as Obon is over, though, the sense of loneliness that comes after a festival seems to press down on me. I’d be counting the time left, worrying about the homework left unfinished, and thinking about all the plans I had at the start of summer—and how I didn’t do any of them. No, it can’t be, I’d think. There has to be more excitement waiting… Something no one has ever seen… An adventure. But all I feel is frustration. And despite it all, jellyfish appear in the sea, the sun begins to set earlier, and the refreshing night sounds of insects grow louder. To me, Obon was always about… —Ring ring ring. The sound of my ringtone brought to mind the autumn season that was soon to come. I looked at my phone and saw Asuka’s name. I hadn’t heard from her since I’d told her about the situation, while I was still reeling. A part of me had been worried I’d said too much. But thinking rationally, I had to admit that she and I hadn’t exactly been text buddies before, either. In fact, we’d only ever talked when we ran into each other by coincidence. I coughed hard to clear my throat, then answered the call. “Hello?” “It’s me, Asuka. Can you talk?” “Sure, what’s up?” I could hear her breathing. “Do you wanna go visit your grandmother tomorrow?” “Huh…?” I was taken aback. A certain scene popped into my mind. A hazy image, rosy with nostalgia. Right. For me, Obon was all about…staying at my grandmother’s house, every year. That rice field–filled footpath. The girl who was my first love. —I spent those summers with you. “How ’bout it?” I scratched my head. “Sorry, wait a sec.” I put my phone down on the low table and went to wash my face in the bathroom. I got a little excited, all of a sudden. Pathetic. I washed my face carefully, like I was removing stubborn dirt that wasn’t actually there. Then I took a long drink of barley tea, and finally, I felt calm. Looking back, I had told Asuka that we would go see my grandma someday. There was no way she’d forget something like that. What better occasion than Obon to visit? I hadn’t seen her since I started high school. …Great, great, a convenient excuse. I’m such a coward. “I’m back.” I brought the phone to my ear. “Maybe we can buy habutae walnuts at Fukui Station. Grandma always liked those.” “Great idea!” Asuka’s voice was chirpy in response. We decided on a meeting place and time and then both hung up. If I can’t undo the decisions I’ve made, I have to move on. I’ve made up my mind not to stagnate any longer. I have to face it. Past, present, and future. Four PM the following day. After riding the rattly Echizen Railway, Asuka and I stepped out onto the small platform we’d last visited two months or so ago. Exiting the old station building, we were met with an atmosphere that can only be described as summer in the countryside. I took a deep breath and stretched out, and Asuka did the same beside me. We both snorted with laughter at the same time. Asuka wore a cool, sleeveless dress, which flapped in the breeze. When I looked around, the rice fields that had been filled with water the last time we came were now bright green. “The green wave,” Asuka muttered to herself. “That’s what they call it, you know, when the green rice fields sway in the breeze like this.” “Heh, that’s a nice term.” Yes… The summer rice fields did remind me of the ocean. When a strong wind blows, the rice plants tilt from the edge, and the undulation spreads out, literally like ripples. You can see the path the wind takes in the gradient shades of green. Suddenly, an image of a boy and girl popped into my mind. I remembered feeling nostalgic when I came here the other day, but this…this was exactly the way it had appeared in my summer memories. “Shall we go, Saku?” Asuka smiled at me, dropping into the cadence of our childhood way of speaking. She wasn’t acting or playing it for laughs. It just seemed to flow naturally. “Let’s go, Asuka.” If I tried to do the same voice right now, it would probably sound hollow, so I refrained. The girl walking next to me was already so much more mature, and far, far prettier than she’d ever been back then. After walking a short distance from the station, we came across a detached house with a somewhat aged tile roof. There was a small garden in front of the house, planted with fine pine trees with smooth trunks. A long time ago, when I climbed up there and broke a branch… Man, that was terrifying. Fortunately, Grandma forgave me quickly. “S’awright, s’awright.” (*It’s all right, it’s all right.) “Ah…” Asuka pointed to the front door. Looking closer, I could see someone’s small back, a person squatting down beside the sliding door. For a moment, I worried that Grandma was sick or something, but relief flooded me as I realized she seemed to be working on something by her feet. As we approached, I heard crackling sounds and saw white smoke rising up. On closer inspection, I could see that she had little pieces of wood, like disposable chopsticks, piled up on top of a flat, unglazed plate, and a little fire was set there. Oh, come to think of it. Grandma always used to set and light tidy little welcome and send-off fires like this during Obon. My mother is a straightforward sort of person, and my father was always a rationalist who never gave much thought to these customs, so at first I wasn’t sure what Grandma was doing. Curious, I asked what it was, and I still remember what she told me: “I’m setting a fire to show where our home is, so that Grandpa’s spirit can find his way back here easily for Obon.” Some people might find it annoying, but I loved coming to this house and hearing superstitions and old customs from my grandma, like never stepping on the edges of tatami mats, not whistling at night, even the right way to make pickled plums. When I looked over at her, Asuka had nostalgia in her eyes, too. She used to get candy from Grandma every now and then. Maybe she had more memories with her than I did, since I only came to stay for a few days each year. “Grandma.” When I called out to her as softly as possible, she showed no surprise. Instead, she slowly turned around and looked at me, as if to say, “Yes, yes, who is it?” I don’t know how it is now, but when I used to come and visit this place, the neighbors would walk in without permission and leave freshly picked vegetables in the kitchen. So Grandma was probably used to people just dropping by unannounced. I hadn’t seen her in a while; she had a few more wrinkles than I remembered, but her skin was so smooth that I could hardly believe she was in her seventies. Her beautiful white hair, which she got regularly permed, was still the same. Grandma stared at me, as if she was trying to recall something. “Is that you, Saku?” She sounded not quite sure. “Long time no see, Grandma.” With that, she suddenly seemed convinced, standing up and smiling. “Oh my! And you didn’t even call to say you were coming.” She tapped and patted my cheeks, as if tracing the years of growth there, and it tickled. “I did call. I left a message. But you didn’t get back to me, so I came when I figured you’d be home.” “Ah,” Grandma said, sounding convinced. “Well, haven’t you shot up like a weed! You always were cute as a button, but now you’ve grown into a handsome young man. I made this welcome-home fire, see, and for a moment there, I thought you were your grandfather.” “Grandpa was a handsome devil, too, from what I hear,” I said to Asuka, and she rolled her eyes and grinned. Finally, Grandmother seemed to notice her. She gazed solemnly at Asuka for a moment. “Have you brought your wife for me to meet?” What the hell? “Er, no, this…” Asuka was clearly panicking. I spoke up instead. “Grandma, I’m still in high school.” “Then, your girlfriend?” “No…” As we spoke back and forth, Asuka seemed to recover from her shock and politely bowed. “Um, do you remember me? I’m Nishino. When I was little…” But before she could finish her sentence, Grandma yelped, “Oh my! Asuka Nishino? Well, haven’t you grown! I was wondering who this stunning young lady could be.” “It’s been a very long time.” Asuka bowed again, looking embarrassed. “I don’t have much to offer you, but come in, come in.” As she spoke, Grandma entered the house. We both smiled sheepishly at each other, then followed her. When I took off my shoes in the wide entrance, I was enveloped in a nostalgic scent. Mosquito-repellent incense that was, as always, placed on the porch. Scratched wooden beams, tatami mat flooring, sand walls. Shoji screens that had yellowed faintly in the sun. Old newspapers piled up in the corners of the corridors and old, tattered paperbacks that had been read over and over again. Grandma seemed to be in the middle of cooking something. I could smell dashi broth. It all combined to form the distinctive scent of Grandma’s countryside home. In just a brief moment, the memories of those days returned. —It was summer vacation of the third year of elementary school. I was staying here alone for the first time. My parents were both busy people, so we were only going to eat dinner here. But as we were preparing to leave, I noticed that Grandma looked lonely, so I announced, “I think I’ll stay here for a few days.” I remember being extremely excited when I was granted permission so easily. Staying away from my parents and having freedom to play was an experience I’d never had before. Grandma was delighted, and she put my futon in the Japanese-style room that she usually used as a guest room. Then midnight arrived. I was in an unfamiliar Japanese-style room, an unfamiliar private room, and an unfamiliar futon. At first, I was excited, thinking about what I was going to do starting tomorrow, but the excitement didn’t last. Then an hour passed, two hours passed, and drowsiness didn’t come. Tick, tick, tick. The sound of the clock hanging on the wall was making me anxious. Before I knew it, the hands had gone past midnight, and I kept checking the time over and over again. I was thinking lonely, desolate thoughts like Only ten minutes since I last checked… and How much longer until morning…? I was all alone in a large, open space. It was a windy night. The shadows of the pine trees were reflected on the paper screens illuminated by the moonlight, and they seemed to rage, like ferocious monsters wielding sharp claws. I tried desperately to look away from it, but then it started to feel like someone was peeking through the back of the closet, which was slightly open. Then I convinced myself that someone other than myself was in the room, reflected on the pitch-black TV screen. I was so terrified I felt like I was about to burst into tears. The night comes early in the countryside. Grandma was already peacefully dreaming away. Cars and bikes, too, sat parked and dreaming. A silly fear took hold, like a black thundercloud… I’m the only soul left awake in this town. But, I thought. My parents had no problem staying up until two or three in the morning. When I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I often found one of them still pounding away hard on the computer keyboard. Maybe, even now…if I left this room and dialed our number on the phone in the hallway, they would come to pick me up. I wondered if I could go home to that bright house, even in the middle of the night. But if I did that…I would make my grandmother sad. She’d been so happy when her grandson announced he wanted to stay. She’d talked so much about the places she’d take me and the things she wanted me to eat. I didn’t want her to have to apologize to me. So I would endure, at least until morning. I made up my mind and closed my eyes tightly. When tomorrow evening came, I’d ask my parents to come pick me up. I’d sleep well in my own bed, tomorrow night. I curled up and repeated those same thoughts over and over until I finally fell asleep. The next day, I awoke filled with worry, but then… “…Saku?” I met…this girl. It was so much fun playing with her. I felt good. Excited. All my feelings of wanting to go home seemed to have vanished. I slept soundly that night and ended up staying here for three whole days. When I saw her waving hard at me, from where I knelt on the back seat of the car, I felt a prickling in the back of my nose and eyes, and I couldn’t face forward for a while. Back then, I never thought that the two of us would come together again like this. “Asuka, would you like to pray to Grandpa?” “Yeah! I used to do that when I was little, too.” Grandma always used to invite us to do this little ritual. First, visit Grandpa’s spirit. When we walked into the room where the Buddhist altar was located, I immediately spotted the little Obon effigy of a horse, made of cucumber and eggplant and held together with sticks. Asuka crouched in front of it and smiled nostalgically. “Grandma always said to arrive early and don’t hurry to leave.” “I haven’t seen one of those in years. This really makes it feel like Obon, huh?” “Let’s make our own next year.” “If you wanna make one, it’ll take, like, five minutes. But my apartment’s a rental, so it’s going to be mostly symbolic.” When I said that, I heard Asuka chuckle beside me. “Still, it’s nice to see Japanese customs like this. Carp streamers, Hina dolls, pampas grass, and moon-viewing dumplings. When I have a child someday, I want to teach them all about these customs.” “Yeah, I agree.” “…” “…” Somehow, this conversation ended up getting kinda heavy… We quickly averted our eyes in a hurry. Asuka backtracked. “Um, right now, I didn’t mean…” “I know. Me neither.” “I just thought that even if I got a job in Tokyo, it would be nice if you and I could still come here to visit your grandmother, and have her explain more about all this…” “…This is awkward, but do you think you’re saying too much?” “…” I felt uncomfortable continuing this kind of conversation in the current situation, so I let out a short laugh to put an end to it. After praying before the Buddhist altar, we left the room and sat out on the wraparound porch. There was an old clothesline strung in front of us, and it seemed more like a lot with overgrown weeds than a garden. Perhaps because there’s no clear boundary between the house next door and the paddy fields behind it, it seemed huge when I was little and used to play here. “Saku, do you remember?” Asuka was looking at me. “We used to take naps out here.” She lay down, her legs hanging loosely over the edge. “Oh yeah. The wood’s nice and cool.” I copied Asuka. The thin incense smoke rose from the ceramic mosquito coil. When I closed my eyes, the cold wind gently caressed my bangs. A refreshing, tinkling sound reached my ears. “Just like a wind chime, tinkling on the breeze, out on the veranda on a summer’s day.” Suddenly, I remembered something Asuka had said a while back. Even now, I still don’t understand the intention behind those words, but at least for a short while, I felt like I could distance myself from the sadness out here. “Asuka,” I said, with my eyes closed. “Thanks for inviting me.” “I just wanted to come.” “I’m sure Grandma will bring us watermelon and barley tea soon.” “Then we have a seed-skipping match, right?” “Just don’t slip and add even more patterns to your dress.” “Oh, why do you remember so many things?” And so we drifted through summer in the countryside for a little while. Grandma did indeed bring us watermelon, which we ate, and barley tea, which we drank. Then she called out to us. I looked at my phone. It was only seven thirty PM, but dinner was already ready. Asuka and I sat down at the table, and the first thing that caught my eye was the homemade pickled radish with plums and shiso, followed by potato salad with chunky vegetables and uncooked yellow pickled radish pieces in it. My favorites. Other dishes included boiled fish, miso soup, and boiled spinach. Grandma was sitting in front of me. “I’m sorry for all this hayseed (*country bumpkin) food. If I knew you were coming, I would have prepared something you young folks would enjoy.” I chuckled and shook my head. “I like this stuff.” When I said that, Grandma clapped her hands and said “Oh my,” as if she’d just remembered something. “Now that you mention it, Saku, you always did love this.” When I came to this house, even though there were dishes like meat and sashimi on offer, for some reason I preferred to eat white rice with pickled plums and stewed vegetables. “You like it simple,” Grandma always joked. “You should have been born as a monk at the Eiheiji Temple.” By the way, Eiheiji Temple is known as the head temple of the Soto sect of Buddhism and is one of Fukui’s famous tourist attractions. They even do a zazen experience there. Beside me, Asuka giggled. “I always wanted to eat something salty after getting sweets from you, Grandma, so I often asked for pickled plums and boiled pickled radish, too, didn’t I?” Come to think of it, when Asuka made us rice balls the other day, she said they tasted like something from a memory. Together, we said a short thanks for the food, then I brought a mouthful of pickled radish to my mouth. When you buy it at a supermarket, it’s light in color and a little hard, but the one Grandma makes is soft and has a thick dark-brown color. It’ll take the scales off a fish, though. (*It’s really, really salty.) I ate one piece, then shoveled a ton of white rice in my mouth. “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.” Asuka nodded with chipmunk cheeks. “Grandma, can I have the sauce?” I asked. “Yes, yes.” I poured Worcestershire sauce all over my potato salad. “What?!” I grinned at Asuka’s surprise. “My mom always ate it like this. I tried it once, and it’s actually really good.” By the way, if I did that in front of Yua, she’d be pissed for sure. Grandma sighed. “That girl, she put Worcestershire sauce on everything. Even curry.” “Have you seen her lately?” “No news is good news, and isn’t it a good thing if her work is going well? When you’re absorbed in something, you lose sight of what’s going on around you.” “Right…” While we were discussing my mother, Asuka was staring at my potato salad. “Can I have a little bit?” “Sure.” When I handed her the plate, she timidly took a bite. After chewing for a few seconds… “It…it kinda works?” For some reason, she sounded annoyed by this fact. “Right?” “Yeah. It’s good. Seems like it would go well with rice.” “Why don’t you try it?” “…Mm. Delicious.” “Kinda addictive, isn’t it?” “I feel…like I just lost a fight or something.” We laughed as loudly as we ever did back then. “Anyway,” Grandma muttered. “I wish she’d come by, at least once in a while.” She took a sip of barley tea, then continued. “She doesn’t even seem to remember Obon.” “You know, Asu…,” I started to say. Darn. How should I address Asuka in front of Grandma? “I mean…my friend here…” Beside me, chair legs dragged on the floor. Asuka seemed taken aback by the unusual way I’d referred to her. She had her hand over her mouth, and she was blushing. But just “Asuka” sounded too informal, and calling her “Nishino” sounded too formal. Grandma knew us both when we were children. But I didn’t want to give the impression I’d brought Asuka here as my girlfriend, or anything. So I had no other choice. “Er, she was the one who suggested we visit.” Grandma’s expression brightened when she heard that. “Is that so? When you were little, Asuka, you were always such a sweet girl, always popping by and calling us Grandma and Grandpa.” “Naw, I’m just here for the sweets.” Asuka was acting a little more casual; she’d dropped the formality from her speech, and she was even slipping into the Fukui accent a little. “Wheat gluten sweets? Potato kintsuba? Sweet chestnuts? Them’s for us old folks!” “I know, I know, it’s a little embarrassing! But I got a taste for them from you!” “Come to think of it,” Grandma said, politely placing her chopsticks down and smiling with her eyes. “Do you remember, Saku, when you broke that pine branch?” That was exactly the memory that came back to me when I stood in front of this house earlier today. Asuka was there, too. I sat up straighter, thinking about how she would remember as well. I nodded, and Grandma continued. “Grandpa took very good care of that tree. When I first heard about what happened, I thought, *What a hooligan that boy is! I oughtta give ’im a lickin’ he won’t forget! But you know what?” Grandma looked back and forth between us. “Saku apologized, and sweet little Asuka just insisted that she asked him to climb it. Neither of you was willing to back down! What good kids, I thought, and then…I just couldn’t be angry with you.” “But that was…” Grandma cut Asuka off. “Both of you think of others before yourselves. I’m glad to see you here again.” We looked at each other and smiled, embarrassed. “You know, Grandma…,” Asuka said, her tone serious. “Don’t you miss your children and grandchildren, especially out here alone?” My eyes flicked to her profile. Perhaps she’d gotten too comfortable here in this nostalgia bubble. Her beautiful eyes were colored with anxiety. Maybe—no, I’m sure—she was thinking about her own situation, her imminent move to a solo life in Tokyo. Away from family, away from friends, and away from… “Not a bit!” Grandma smiled kindly. “There’s nothing lonely about it. The only time we ever really say good-bye is when both sides go about cutting ties deliberately.” ““Cutting ties…”” Asuka and I spoke at the same time. “The bonds endure between grandpas and grandmas separated by death, and the children of parents who later divorce… I can see your grandpa in my memories and my dreams, and I hear that those two check in every now and again, still.” Those two—she didn’t need to specify that she meant my parents. Before they split, there was a lot of arguing… “I don’t ever want to see your face again,” was a phrase I believe was used. Huh. The more you know. “Saku, Asuka, you thought you’d never meet again after the big move, but you did. And now here you are, back at my house. Once you’ve got that bond, you can’t break it so easily. When you get to my age, you stop seeing certain things as miraculous and start to see them as inevitable.” Grandma continued. “Even if it’s one-sided…holding on tightly to a connection with someone after it’s been forged is a good thing. That’s all you need to keep it alive.” Asuka and I were listening silently. I couldn’t help but think of Yuuko’s and Kaito’s faces. Even after what happened…would I be able to hold on to my end of those relationships? Or were those connections broken forever? “Thank you, Grandma,” Asuka said quietly. After that, the three of us had a grand old time going over old memories. Someone would mention something, and it would spark a whole slew of reminiscences. It was just like how it was back then, hanging out on the veranda. We left Grandma’s house around the time the sun was turning the sky crimson and gold. “Don’t be a stranger, you hear?” “Of course not!” “Yeah, we’ll be back.” Those words were checking the strength of the ties that bind us and designed to confirm them again. “Saku, why don’t we take a detour on the way home?” After we said good-bye at the house to Grandma (who seemed about to see us all the way to the station and wave as the train pulled away if we didn’t stop her…), Asuka made this suggestion. “Well, we might as well, since we’re here.” Asuka beamed. I also wanted to breathe in this relaxing air just a little longer. As soon as I got home alone, I’d start thinking about Yuuko again. We started walking, chasing the trail of some old adventure. “It hasn’t changed,” I muttered to myself. When we walked around here last time, I was so preoccupied with what Asuka was saying that I didn’t really pay attention to the view. The rice fields and the river where we used to play together…were exactly the same as in my memories. “Nope, you’re wrong.” Asuka pointed. “Look, over there.” “Ah…” She was pointing to the window I once climbed to with the ladder. The spot where Asuka’s house had stood. But now…the house there was unfamiliar. “Right.” Beside me, Asuka’s lips twisted. “It’s been years since then.” My chest tightened a little. Well, it made sense. Someone bought that land and built a new house. That’s all. So then…why? I had the feeling that my memories of that time were still frozen somewhere. So that even after ten or twenty years, we can still turn the pages of the photo album in our minds and feel nostalgic. Suddenly, a thought came to me. What did Asuka’s old house look like, again? The event was a pivotal one, but the more I tried to recall it, the more it faded and dissipated, as if I were trying to grope for a dream at dawn. I still vividly remembered the feeling of hitting the window glass with my hand, your panicked face on the other side. But I no longer remembered the shape of the front door or the color of the sandals I stole from the entryway. “Even in a rural town like this…” Asuka, walking a few steps ahead, looked up at the sunset sky. “Things are changing little by little, even if it’s hard to see. Houses are being demolished, and new ones are being built. There’s even a convenience store now, within a five-minute walk. And…” She turned back to look at me with a quick smile… “My first love, Saku, suddenly appeared in the year below me in high school. And someone developed intense feelings for you while I wasn’t even aware of it. And now you’re suffering.” Her tone was doleful. “Well, you see…” I found myself scrambling for words. “It’s odd… This reminds me of Hiroshi Yoshino’s poem ‘Sunset.’” Asuka took a bouncy step forward. “Hey, did you get to talk it through with someone?” There was a certain sadness in her eyes as she gazed at me. “All my friends were there. And I talked to you.” “You know that’s not what I mean, don’t you?” “…” This girl… She can always see through me when I’m bullshitting. “You know…” Asuka scratched her cheek near her mole. “I was hoping this jaunt could be a little distraction for you. I bet you were shut up at home agonizing over everything. So I figured we could come to Grandma’s house, eat together. Then take a walk around the nostalgic old town and chat like this.” “I’m sure I already said this, but I’m glad I came. And I’m grateful that you invited me.” And I meant it. “But I ended up getting more out of your grandma. I wanted to give you a pep talk, but it didn’t turn out like that. That chat on the veranda—I feel like it actually helped me a lot.” “Well, me too…” “I think we both needed some wisdom… But let’s get back on topic,” Asuka said. “You turned Hiiragi down.” “Yes.” “Everyone was there, and everyone saw it. And it was even obvious to me what happened.” “Yes.” “But…” She stopped, gently putting one hand on my chest. “…But you weren’t feeling it, were you?” Ah. Darn it, I thought. I should have been more careful about what I told Asuka. I should have tried not to worry her. I wouldn’t lie outright, just stick to the facts. But now, here we are. She could read the intentions hidden behind my every word. She didn’t seem fazed by my sudden deer-in-the-headlights look. “Maybe I should ask you this…,” Asuka said. “Why did you turn Hiiragi down?” “…” She was watching me directly, and I couldn’t return her gaze. I clenched my fists and my teeth, but I still didn’t want to lie to her. So I had no choice but to say nothing. Asuka continued, as if she’d predicted this response. “You don’t have to tell me. If you won’t confide in me, I won’t push the issue. You can talk to Uchida, or Nanase, or Aomi, or Mizushino, or Yamazaki. Asano…might be out of the question right now. Anyway, you have a good reason for turning her down…don’t you?” Her smile was slightly lonely. “Because even with what you’ve told me, you’ve never mentioned what you’re feeling.” Once again, she put her hand on my chest. “You told me what happened and what was said. But you haven’t said why.” Asuka took one, two steps back. “What I’m about to say might help. Or it might make everything worse. But I think I’m the only one who can tell you this… Because of our conversation, on that blue night. So I’m sorry, Saku, but…” Her eyes were focused, both sad and determined, as she said… “You’ve grown so used to being loved, but you don’t know how to love, do you?” Her words pierced my heart. “Because sidestepping the issue felt like the obvious thing to do. You felt you had to pull back. You’d always end up losing people, at best, and at worst, they’d come to hate you. Or maybe…you only knew how to give yourself away for free.” “You know,” Asuka said. “…You were the marble, rolling around inside the bottle of Ramune soda.” Clatter. A lonely heart, rolling around. Without saying anything more, Asuka turned and walked away. The clouds in the pale sky were colored with sunset. There was a loneliness in the air. Maybe that’s just part of Obon. Crick, crick, crick. Ree, ree, ree. The call of the cicadas filled the red-stained country lane. Two long shadows rippled in the green sea. Smoke from an Obon welcoming fire rose into the sky like a thin thread. Crick, crick, crick. Ree, ree, ree. Summer…was almost over. This is…for the best, right? I can’t be the moon in your sky with an impure heart. We acted as if nothing had happened. The two of us walked along the nostalgic country lanes for a while, then got back on the Echizen Railway and ended up at Fukui Station. Asuka’s father was coming to pick her up at the rotary, and I accidentally made eye contact with him through the car windshield, which was awkward. He looked like he was feeling the same way. I went home, showered, and pulled on my sweats. I could still smell Grandma’s house on the T-shirt I stripped off. After drinking some cold barley tea, I felt more relaxed, and I lay down on the sofa. The day went fast. Was it because it was too uneventful? Or too eventful, after all? Now that I was alone again, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Asuka said. “You don’t know how to love, do you?” Yuuko… She’s loved by far more people than I am. Does she know how to love? And where will that lead her? Nanase, Haru, Asuka. Kazuki, Kenta. Kaito. And then… —Ping. My phone sounded, interrupting my thoughts. After seeing the name on the display, I answered the call. “Hello?” “…Hi.” “What’s up, Yua?” “I was just wondering if you ate a real dinner.” “I’m fine; you don’t have to keep tabs on me.” “Okay, I lied. Actually, I kinda just wanted to hear your voice.” It wasn’t the sort of thing Yua usually said. Maybe I was imagining it, but she sounded a little less tense than she did yesterday. Darn, I wanted her to spend today with her family and unwind a bit. “Seriously, what’s wrong? You can tell me if you want.” “Hmm. It’s not like talking to you about it will help in any way, though.” She wasn’t dismissing me. It was more like she was trying to convince herself. “Yua…” “Sorry, that came out wrong.” “It’s fine; I didn’t think anything of it.” “It’s a personal issue.” “Oh, right.” “But hearing your voice has helped me calm down. Can we chat a little more?” “Sure.” “Thanks. So um, what did you do today?” “…” “Er, Saku?” I wasn’t sure what to say. It wasn’t like I did anything particularly wrong, but I wondered if I should really tell Yua the truth when she was acting this strangely. That said…I hate to lie. While I was mulling it over… A giggle came through the phone’s speaker. “It’s okay; you can tell me. I’m not dumb; I know that the others will be wanting to get in touch with you sooner or later.” “…You won’t squeeze my neck once I’ve told you?” “I don’t recall ever doing that?” “I need you to promise you won’t!” “Spill ya guts, boy.” “Spill my guts like die?! Or like tell you the truth?!” With a chuckle, Yua started sounding perkier. I still didn’t feel much like bantering, but I could do at least this much for her, after all she’d done for me over the previous few days. Slowly, like I was reliving the day, I told her about going to Grandma’s house. I didn’t hide the fact that Asuka had been with me. I told her that she and I had met when we were little, along with the general events of what happened two months previously. I’d told Yua that, someday, she and I would be great friends, like our own little family. So I couldn’t betray that sentiment now. It might have been a bit late coming, but I figured it would be better to tell her the whole truth. “…Oh really?” After listening to the whole story, Yua spoke in a dull, flat sort of voice. “Listen, Yua. I never betrayed you.” “So you mean, the very second I stopped coming over to cook you dinner, you go off with this mysterious older girl you like for a nostalgic date to a place filled with memories for you both…? Yeah, I don’t remember you and I being involved enough for that to constitute a betrayal…?” “So you say, but your tone is scaring me…” We did our usual bit, and then we both snorted with laughter. “Just kidding. It’s a bit of a shock, though, you having known her when you were both little.” “I’m…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, but if you look at the facts, it really does seem like I went off with someone else the minute you were otherwise engaged.” “I told you: I was kidding,” Yua said. “Besides, you’re not my boyfriend, Saku. And I’m the one who kept insisting, even when you said it was fine. So why should you feel indebted to me? Why should that affect what you do with anyone else?” This felt like a reversal of another conversation with Yuuko. Yua continued, without hesitation. “If you’re apologizing to me in this situation… I think you’d better think carefully about what that means, hmm?” What it means…? Just as I was about to ask for clarification, Yua muttered something else. “Knowing how to love, huh…” That comment seemed more for herself than for me. “I’m not sure I know, either…” “But you pour love into your family, don’t you, Yua?” “If you’re going to deliberately sidestep the subject…can you please not?” “Sorry…” “You know, Saku, sometimes, you hurt people without meaning to.” “…” “Sorry, that came out wrong again.” “No, I’m the one…” “Anyway!” Yua’s voice had a “discussion over” tone to it. “I don’t want you to think about how this affects me. That’s not what I want. I don’t think Yuuko wants that, either.” What was she trying to tell me? Why did she sound frustrated? To be honest…I didn’t have the capacity to figure it out right now. So I took a deep breath, and… “Okay, I’ll think about it.” I just gave a brief response. “All right. Thanks for chatting with me.” “Right, good…” “Um, one last thing.” Yua raised her voice, speaking over me. “Don’t ask me what’s up, but could you just…maybe…reassure me?” I knew she was acting odd today. But since Yua said not to ask… “It’s all right. You’re going to be just fine.” That felt like the right way to react. “…Thanks, Saku.” “Good night, Yua.” “I…” Then the phone beeped in my ear as the call ended. If I were Yuuko right now… Would I know what to say to a friend who called, seeking reassurance? “It’s all right. You’re going to be just fine.” When I awoke the next day, I found myself on the sofa. I must have been more tired than I’d thought. It was already early afternoon. I had the feeling I’d dreamed all night, cycling through different ones. I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that my feet weren’t on the ground, and I didn’t feel like reading a book. So while I was washing my clothes and drying the futon, I thought about my conversations with Asuka and Yua. But the more I thought about it, the more the answer faded and blurred, like I was wading through the haze of a summer’s day. Before I knew it, the sun had set again. I was watching my summer vacation slip away, wasted… —Ding-dong, ding-dong. An impatient ring on the doorbell. Yuuko…? The jaunty sound reminded me of the face of a person who would never visit this apartment again, and I scratched my head. Couldn’t be. I couldn’t be bothered to check through the fish-eye lens, so when I opened the door… “Hi.” Nanase stood there, her expression clear. I felt myself relax. Oh, right. Even Nanase has her guard down around me these days. She tilted her head coquettishly. “Good evening; this is a beautiful girl delivery. ♡” “Don’t say that at the front door; people might get the wrong idea.” “Would you like to switch for another girl?” “Could I switch my order to a beef bowl or ramen instead, perhaps?” “I’ll give you a far more delicious experience.” “You know, Nanase… I think you’re probably aware of this, but I’m not in the mood…” “I’ll get you in the mood, if you know what I mean! ♡” “All right, all right, come in already.” But even as we performed our usual banter, I kept thinking only of Yuuko and Yua. It felt wrong to them both to invite Nanase inside at the present moment. However… “If you’re apologizing to me in this situation… I think you’d better think carefully about what that means, hmm?” I realized that last night had been a piercing blow. At the time, I’d sensed frustration in Yua’s tone. I knew I shouldn’t go getting swept away by words I hadn’t even processed yet. But if I ruminated over it, it would just end in yet another deadlock. Either way, I had to face people. I couldn’t keep running away. “Chitose…?” Nanase stepped inside and gave me a look. “Are you asking me to jump into your arms…?” Oh, right. I was still holding the door open, my arm outstretched. “Oh, whoops, I was spacing.” As I spoke, I lowered my arm. Today, Nanase was wearing a boyish outfit with a tucked-in T-shirt and shorts. She took off her sandals and grabbed some slippers with a practiced air. Once inside, she placed the plastic bag she was holding on the kitchen counter. “Chitose, you haven’t eaten dinner yet, have you?” “What, did you really buy me a beef bowl?” Nanase turned around and hopped up onto the counter. For some reason, her eyes were lowered a bit shyly. “By the way, how have you been managing so far?” Since we were on the subject, I assumed she meant about meals. Just as I hadn’t hidden from Yua, I didn’t want to hide from Nanase, either. “After that day, Yua’s been making meals here for a while.” “…Oh, I figured,” Nanase muttered in a small voice. She waggled her toes above the floor, the slippers almost falling off. “So what, is it Ucchi’s night off?” “Yeah. I told her she should relax with her family during Obon.” Nanase’s chest heaved. Grasping the hem of her shorts, she turned her face away. “…Fine. I’ll…” Her voice was so faint I could scarcely hear her. “Sorry, what?” Nanase slowly turned her head in my direction. I could see that her cheeks were tinged cherry blossom pink, her lips in a tight line. “I said…” Grabbing her left elbow with her right hand, she looked away again. “…I’ll make it for you.” Her words were clearly enunciated. Then I finally understood the reason for her uncharacteristic behavior. For whatever reason, whenever Nanase came over, I would either cook for us or she’d buy something at the store on the way. The only other occasion was when she happened to run into Yua. Come to think of it, she’d been acting weird that time, too. Now certainly wasn’t the time to make a joke or to decline her kind offer. “Great,” I said. “I was just getting hungry. Thanks.” Nanase looked at me with some unease. “I mean, compared to Ucchi, I…” She shook her head, closed her eyes, took a deep breath. “Don’t go blaming me if you fall in love over my cooking.” Then she gave me that coquettish, Nanase-esque smile. Nanase pulled her hair tie off her wrist and put it in her mouth, then gathered her hair into a neat ponytail like she always did before a basketball game. Then she took out a neatly folded apron from her bag and slipped it over her head. It had crisp blue vertical stripes, and the bottom part fluttered like a skirt. The waist was tied with a navy-blue ribbon in front of the stomach, as a sort of color accent. I was definitely staring when she said… “What, does it look stupid?” She sounded really unconfident. I burst out laughing. “Hey!” Nanase snapped. “Ah, sorry, sorry.” I managed to hold back my uncontrollable laughter as I continued. “It’s just an odd thing to say when you’re standing there posing like a swimsuit model.” Nanase turned away. “It’s not my body I’m worried about.” “Why are you more scared of how you look in an apron than in a swimsuit?” “Because a swimsuit is basically underwear.” She paused, then continued. “This, though… I’m not used to it.”
Chapter 88
44 min read