Chapter 87

* * * His attitude pissed me off! What was he smirking about? I wish I could have been annoyed. I wish I had some kind of brilliant comeback. Why was I the only one off-balance? …Don’t you worry about being disliked? Is it just because I’m a mousy girl with glasses? Is that why you don’t care? But then, he acted like this with Hiiragi, too, yesterday. I don’t understand this person. And it’s so frustrating. I’ve never had anyone treat me like this before. Like they’re peeling away that label that reads “quiet honor student” and taking a peek at the person inside. As I sat there, fists clenched, Hiiragi burst out laughing. “Ah, I get it! I totally get it!” Her reaction was off-script, too, and now I really didn’t know what to do. “Saku’s sooo annoying, isn’t he? It’s like, hey, who do you think you are?” “Erm…” “If you have something to say, I think you should say it, just like I did yesterday. It might do you good!” I sat there, nonplussed, and then… “You know, Uchida…” The boy I disliked was speaking again. “Why don’t you relax your shoulders a bit? You’re too beautiful to ruin it with a frown.” Oh, and now a little negging? Come on… “I don’t care what others think of me.” …I HATE you!!! Starting the following day, after Hiiragi and I exchanged LINE details, my life at school became a little more colorful. Take this one day, for example. “Hey, hey, Ucchi, where do you usually go shopping?” “Uh… Maybe at the supermarket. Or Genky.” “Huh?” “What? You mean, like, groceries and stuff, right…?” “No! Definitely not! I mean things like clothes and makeup!” “Oh, sorry. I don’t know much about those things.” “Oh, really? Well, let’s go shopping together sometime!” “Um… I’m not really sure…” I was happy but also a little worried, if I’m honest. I had a lot of things to do at home after school and on weekends, and I didn’t want to do anything too far outside my comfort zone. Take this one day, for example. “I told my mom about you, Ucchi! And she says she wants to meet you!” “…Um, thanks. Well, I appreciate the sentiment.” “Oh, sorry. Of course. It’s a bit sudden. But I hope I can introduce you someday!” “Yeah. Sure. Someday.” I was certain that day would never come. I had no idea why Hiiragi was so chatty with me. But when I paid closer attention, I realized she was chatty with everyone in class. I’d be comfortable if we could just be classmates who chatted casually now and then. It was clear to me that Hiiragi was a really nice girl, but I didn’t feel like deepening our relationship any further. Take this one day, for example. “Ucchi! Let’s go eat together.” “But, Hiiragi…you always eat with Mizushino and Asano…” “Yeah, so let’s all go together!” “…No, really, it’s fine. Please, don’t worry about me.” I mean… He would be there, too. I was certain, at the time, that I’d gotten rid of him for good. But he kept on talking to me, and he seemed a little confused. Take this one day, for example. “Uchida, why are you always so frosty when I talk to you?” “You’re imagining it.” “You always smile when you talk to the others. And with Yuuko, you’re a little less stiff. Aren’t you?” “I just don’t really think we vibe.” “Hmm. Well, I prefer this to that weird fake smile of yours. It’s like you’re wearing a mask.” “…You… You’re just so…” We weren’t even friends. He was so rude! And more irritating than anything else, he hit me where it hurts. Take this one day, for example. “Uchida, would you mind explaining this problem to me?” “Actually, I would mind.” “Ah! Now you’ve added irritation to your repertoire.” “Yes. Thanks to you.” “Now, now, don’t flatter me.” “You realize I don’t like you, right?” “Well, that doesn’t bother me. I don’t take these things personally, y’know?” “…You don’t even know the first thing about me.” “It doesn’t bother me,” he said, and it sounded like he meant it, too. But the truth is, I… Take this one day, for example. “Uchida…do you make your own bento lunches?” “…Is there a problem with that?” “No, not at all. Man, I sure wish you’d teach me to cook sometime.” “Yet again, you’re making inappropriate suggestions.” “Actually, I was serious…” “Ask your mother to teach you to cook.” “Well, I can’t really…” “Oh, too cool to hang with your mother? Must be nice to be rebellious.” “You know, sometimes, you’re pretty cute.” “I hate you more and more with every passing second.” I was aware I wasn’t exactly doing my usual light and breezy thing. In fact, I was starting to sound kind of harsh. But I’m stubborn, too. Although… If only…, I caught myself thinking. I wondered how he would react if I told him everything. For some reason, I wanted to know. One day, after school. My relationship with Hiiragi remained the same, not growing or receding, and as we entered July, we continued to interact. The first semester was almost up. For the most part, I was able to lead the kind of school life I’d wanted. In class, cliques had already formed, and I wasn’t included in any of them. Fortunately for me, though, I wasn’t viewed as some sad outsider. Maybe because I was spotted chatting with those two every now and then. Actually, sometimes people asked me stuff like, “How come you’re so friendly with Chitose?” or “Does Chitose have a girlfriend?” and it was tough to keep the “freaking out” reflex buried. As I was walking down the hallway deep in thought… “Ah, if it isn’t Uchida.” Someone said my name from behind. “Yes?” I said, turning around, and there was Mr. Iwanami. “Have you seen Chitose?” “…No, I haven’t.” “Bet he’s still yakking in the classroom. Sorry, but would you mind doing me a favor?” “Of course…” I nodded. “I have a bunch of handouts on my desk in the staff room, and I want him to bring them to the classroom. It would be helpful if you could pass along the message. I asked him to come after school, but I forgot to specify a time. I have a meeting after this.” My response caught in my throat. I didn’t really want to go out of my way to talk to Chitose, but that wasn’t a good enough excuse for saying no. “Of course,” I said reluctantly. Mr. Iwanami just raised one hand, said “Thanks a lot,” and walked off. I let out a small sigh. Then the slapping of wooden sandals against the floor paused. “Speaking of which, Uchida.” Mr. Iwanami turned. “If you have the chance, you should talk a little more openly with Chitose. You and he have some things in common.” “What do you mean…?” “That’s for you to discover.” Then Mr. Iwanami walked off at a brisk pace, leaving me to puzzle over his cryptic comments. Me and him? No. No. No way, never. He’s got everything. He’s always brimming with confidence, surrounded by friends, living life free as a bird. Compared to that, I’m just… Well. Maybe Mr. Iwanami has some kind of problem with his vision. I let out a big sigh. Agh. Help. I don’t want to talk to Chitose. He always says such weird things. Should I just go and get the printouts myself? I turned around and headed to the staff room. “Excuse me,” I said, stepping inside. I’d been there to ask teachers things lots of times before, so I was able to quickly locate the seating chart posted by the door. As I could have predicted, Mr. Iwanami’s desk was piled up with textbooks and materials in no particular order. In the center, a massive tower of papers sat precariously balanced. This was way more than I’d been expecting. “I don’t know if I can carry all that…,” I mumbled. I pulled the stack of papers toward me bit by bit, and when half of it was hanging off the desk, I put my other hand on the bottom and lifted the whole thing. “Gah.” It weighed more than I could have predicted, and I felt my spine curve forward. Hmm. I think I can just about make it. During club, I sometimes help carry heavier instruments, so it’s okay. I’d come this far anyway. I’d hate to have to put all this back on the desk and seek out Chitose after all. With a little effort, I straightened my back and held the stack of papers against my body. Okay, I’m managing. It might have been bad manners, but with no one around to help, I was forced to use my foot to open and close the staff room door. Regret soon followed. With every step I took, the edges of the rough paper cut into my fingers, and my arms trembled with the strain. I should have just gone to get Chitose, after all. He could lift this weight and look cool while doing it. Eventually, when I reached the stairs, my arms were getting numb. I couldn’t climb step by step like I usually do, so I had to raise my right foot one step, then lift my left foot onto the same step, and go up a little at a time. I must look pretty dumb right now. Oh no, why is this happening? Suddenly I felt hopelessly miserable. The inner corners of my eyes grew hot. The tears weren’t because of the stupid handouts, but because of everything that had happened since I’d entered high school. This wasn’t how I’d wanted it to go. I felt so frustrated, all the time, even though I was actually doing all right. I should have been satisfied with how things were going. It was all his fault. Every time we speak, he annoys the heck out of me. He’s constantly pointing out things I’m trying not to acknowledge. I’m really like you? Am I? “Uchida!” Just then, I heard a voice I’d grown accustomed to. Light footfalls came tripping up the steps. “I just saw Kura. There weren’t any printouts in the staff room, so I figured…” He stopped right behind me. “You could have just come to get me. Sorry you ended up doing my job. Here, let me take those.” I scowled at his carefree smile. “I’m fine, actually!” My voice was hard as steel. He seemed dazed. Well, I could hardly blame him. I was lashing out my own internal frustrations without any rhyme or reason. “Why are you being like this? I just said I’d take them.” The way he spoke irritated me again. “I was asked to do this job.” “No, all you were asked to do was pass the message to me.” “Whatever. Please go away.” I twisted my body to escape from his hand as he reached out toward the paper. —I felt a snag. The heel of my left foot got caught on the raised, nonslip rubber strip at the edge of the step. “Eek!” Yikes, I thought, and I started to tip backward. The heavy stack loomed over me, as if trying to assist gravity in taking me over. My heart shrank with a sensation of weightlessness, and it was like my knees had been kicked out from under me. No. Don’t cause a fuss! But just as I thought that… “—You idiot!!!” …a pair of rugged arms wrapped around me. The handouts fluttered in the air like falling petals in slow motion. My glasses flew off, and with a crack, I could hear them break. But the sensation of landing was much softer against my back than I’d been anticipating. It was like falling on something small and firm, like one of the old gym mats. “…Yikes.” Hearing his voice over my shoulder, I thought, This feels warm. Not the kind of thought I should have been having, but my mind was all over the place. The heat coming from the arms wrapped around my stomach, the body pressed against my back… His temperature seemed to run higher than mine. It felt like when I was little, and my mom read picture books to me. But… I inhaled. It smelled like sweat and dirt. Like a boy. Huh? Wait… What am I doing? “Chitose?!” I finally snapped out of it, and with an ungainly wriggle, I got away from him. Looking over my shoulder, I found my frosty mask again as the reality of the situation sank in. There lay Chitose, head at the foot of the stairs, still grasping the handrail with one hand. He cushioned my fall? Like a gym mat…? “Um… I…” Chitose smiled a little and said… “You finally called me by my name!” He grinned. “…” I stood up and tried to act as if nothing had happened. “Tch. I may act like a handsome playboy, but I really do have those lightning-fast baseball player reflexes, huh? If ol’ Chitose hadn’t been there, you might’ve cracked your head.” “Uh… I mean…” “Heh. But seriously, Uchida, you’re lucky I was there to cushion your fall, huh?” His casual words made my chest tighten. “Sorry. That must have been scary. Are you all right?” “I’m…fine. Thanks.” “Sorry for how things have been. I understand that you don’t like me, but for some reason, I just can’t seem to leave you alone.” “…Um.” “I’m sorry to bother you. But just let me say one last thing.” Chitose continued in a gentle voice. “I get frustrated seeing you, Uchida. I can tell you’ve got stuff going on… And I know I have no right to say this, as an almost perfect stranger, but…” Then he suddenly paused, before saying… “—Your life is yours, isn’t it?” Then he grinned, a rakish, slightly embarrassed grin. Badump. My heart thumped. Badump, badump, badump. There you go again, acting all bigheaded. I suppose I have to say thank you properly this time. Wow, I really do hate you. Maybe we should both go to the nurse’s room. Could you do me a big favor and never speak to me again after this? The pounding of my heart was so loud that those other thoughts got drowned out. Badump, badump, badump. The shock of falling was nothing compared to this. Maybe it was frustration over being indebted to a guy like this. Maybe it was embarrassment, being caught and held by a guy I don’t like. Thump. Thump. Thump. But this pounding was nothing like I felt back in the classroom. …It was sweet. Almost soft… As I stood there frozen, Chitose deftly gathered up the spilled printouts. Wait. Hold on. I haven’t caught up yet, emotionally or verbally. Chitose picked up my glasses and handed them to me after first arranging the stack of papers. “Here you go, then.” Yes. Here you go. We’re done here. Just like that? After you had your hands all over me? Chitose lightly waved his hand, jogging up the stairs holding the stack of papers. He didn’t even look back. Like he forgot I existed. My gaze fell to my hand. Oh. The lenses of my glasses were cracked. I clutched them, and… “Um, Chitose!” I called your name. I don’t know why I did that. My mind was blank, and I didn’t even know what to say. But strangely… Thump thump thump thump thump Thump. If I don’t do this now, then I feel like, many years from now, I’m going to regret this day so much that I’ll want to cry. Chitose looked down at me, puzzled. Oh, help. I have to say something. Um. Er… The thing is… “—My glasses!” Before I knew what I was even saying, the most asinine thing I’d ever said came out of my mouth. It was… “I mean, Chitose, what do you think about me without glasses?” It was like my lips were moving on their own. I couldn’t stop them. The moment the words left my mouth, I was so embarrassed, I wished I could just vanish into a puff of smoke. What was I saying?! Now he was going to think I was some kind of freak. This, after I’d been so standoffish with him? After acting like I didn’t care what anyone thinks of me? Even though I hadn’t been conscious of how I look in others’ eyes for many, many years… …Why was I saying this now? After blinking at me, Chitose grinned mischievously. “It works for you, Yua.” On the way home, I stopped and had my glasses repaired, and I also ordered some contacts. The next day, Hiiragi kept squealing about how cute I apparently was, right from first period. Meanwhile, Chitose said, “How about now you do something about those frown lines?” I really do hate him. …It’s just that I was nervous right then. That’s all. The first half of August. Surprisingly, I had a somewhat unsatisfactory summer vacation. This was completely self-inflicted and actually something I’d hoped for a little bit. But I guess, over time, I got slightly used to having Chitose tease me and chat with me all the time, while I’d fire back with some frosty response. I’d started to call him Chitose without worrying about it, and he would sometimes call me Yua in this jokey kind of way. Maybe the wall I’d put up around me had cracked a little, the same as my glasses. Strangely, the feelings of anger, irritability, and frustration had started to fade away. In their place, I was now experiencing annoyance, exasperation, and impatience. What’s the difference? Hell if I know. Little by little, Hiiragi taught me how to do makeup and take care of my skin. I was too embarrassed to put it into practice right away, but I was thinking it’d be nice to give it a try during this summer vacation. I seemed to have accepted the new changes in my school life. I was actually counting the days until August 31. Maybe I really was excited for the new semester. There was just one little glass shard, stuck in my heart. Before summer vacation, Chitose’s smile had faded away. The genuine one, to be precise. To preserve my normal life without rocking the boat, I often keep a close eye on other people’s facial expressions. So I immediately notice subtle changes in the people I talk to almost every day. He’d completely stopped teasing me, too. I’d been acting like I hated it all this time, but when it stopped, I felt a surge of anxiety. Did I say something offensive? Did I accidentally cross a line? But thinking rationally, I hadn’t really changed anything about how I reacted. And it was obvious that Chitose didn’t care at all about me or how I reacted or whatever. But somehow, I almost missed it. “Uchida.” I realized someone had just tapped me on the shoulder. I was in the music room, on the fourth floor of Fuji High. I’d been spacing out, right in the middle of club. “Sorry, I drifted off there.” My band partner giggled. “That’s unusual for you. We’re all talking about going to the convenience store for lunch—what about you?” “Oh, thanks. I brought a bento lunch, so I’m good.” “Okay. Well, we’ll be back in a bit.” I watched them leave, until it was just me. —Clink. Suddenly, a high-pitched metallic sound reverberated through the quiet music room. Finding myself drawn to the window, I opened it. The steamy summer air rushed in. I could hear boys’ voices yelling “Come on!” and “Over here!” loud enough to drown out the din of the cicadas chirping away. I pulled up a chair and sat down, putting my arms on the windowsill and resting my chin on it. Apparently, baseball club was having a practice game. I wondered if Chitose was out there, too. We’d lost the summer tournament, apparently, but I’d heard he was a great player. Even though he was just a first-year, he was already playing an active role as the main driving force of the team. Come to think of it, I’m always up here when Chitose practices on the field, but I’ve never really watched. For some reason, I couldn’t see a guy like him playing baseball. What would I do if he looked up and spotted me? Heh. That’s a stupid thing to worry about. My eyes followed the players running around below. Everyone was wearing hats and helmets, but it was still possible to tell who was Chitose and who wasn’t. My contacts had felt weird at first, but I was used to them now. After about five minutes of scrutinizing every player on the field, I realized… Chitose’s not here…? I’d looked carefully. I couldn’t possibly have missed him. Maybe he was off, with an illness or injury. I hope he’s all right, I thought, and just then… —Clack. The ball hit by the opposing team rolled outside the white line drawn on the left side. Wow, baseballs are so fast! “Foul!” Someone yelled as the ball went behind the batter. It hit the high net that separates the tennis and handball courts from the sports ground and came to a stop. A member of the baseball team who was just running there picked it up, and… “Hirano!” Even from an amateur’s point of view, the guy threw a great ball back. I knew that voice… “Oh…!” I knew right away that it was Chitose. I hadn’t spotted him because I was just watching people on the field and around the benches, but he was there all along. And he wasn’t wearing the same uniform as the others. Just worn-out practice clothes. Why…? The game resumed as if nothing had happened. After watching for a second, Chitose started running laps. He was at the edge, just silently going back and forth. He didn’t look injured or anything to me. Beneath the deep-blue sky and the heavy thunderheads in the distance…he just kept running back and forth. Like he was afraid that if he stopped, even for a moment, something would catch up with him. No one was watching him back there. Why not cut corners? Nobody would even care, probably. Why was this happening? The only thing I knew for sure was that this was not a good thing for Chitose. Maybe this was some kind of penalty for making a mistake. Or maybe he was injured, but in a way that running wouldn’t hurt? Being unable to participate in the game and running around the corner of the field… It must be frustrating, embarrassing, awful for a dedicated member of the baseball team. But Chitose—the guy who was always trying to act so cool—was struggling away by himself, not even caring who was watching. For whatever reason…he was just pounding away, never looking down, totally focused on his task. —Somehow, the sight of it made me wince. My heart ached. Had I ever faced up against myself like that? Have I ever fought head-on, without looking away? Unable to bear it any longer, I suddenly stood up from my chair and clenched my fists. I took a deep breath. Go for it. Go for it. Go for it… “Go for it, Chitose!!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, with all my air, like I was blowing on my sax. Shoulders heaving, I suddenly felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me, and I quickly crouched down. Maybe it was the hot summer breeze that flowed into the air-conditioned room. For whatever reason, my chest was suddenly burning hot. Somewhere in my heart, I was waiting impatiently for the second semester. Chitose had taken to staring blankly out of the window every day, and even when he was around Hiiragi and the others, he didn’t look very happy. He was like a different person. Almost mute, and that mischievous smile of his had gone. I’d heard from Hiiragi that he’d quit the baseball club. Even she seemed at a loss as to how to handle Chitose, so she ended up chatting with me more and more. It can’t be! I wanted to yell. Even after that practice game, when I spied him through the music room’s window, I kept seeing Chitose at practice. Always working hard, and always alone. If he was still at it, they must be putting him through the wringer. But he was gritting his teeth and refusing to crack. Just how bad was it? I desperately wanted to hear it straight from him. Maybe there was something I could do to help. …Who do I think I am anyway? If Chitose can’t even confide in Hiiragi, why would he tell me? How could I help where Hiiragi can’t? Anyway… Ever since that day when he rescued me on the stairs, I felt like the distance between us had shrunk a little. But in reality, I was just one of his many classmates. All that was different was how we referred to each other. There was no logical reason for me to feel like he and I were more familiar now. I hadn’t even spoken to him once during the long summer vacation. I mean, I didn’t even have his contact info. All this…is just a waste of my mental energy. What on earth am I thinking anyway? Wasn’t this where I wanted to be? I was keeping to myself. No one was intruding on me. I was just drifting on the breeze, day by day. This has to be good, right? No matter how much I tried to convince myself, I couldn’t keep lying. I wasn’t okay with staying this far removed from everything. —Several weeks went by. In the end, Chitose gradually got his energy back, and I still didn’t know what had happened. I had more opportunities to talk to him like before, and I got to hear his silly jokes again. One day, on the way home… I saw him talking to a short-haired girl by the riverbed. Even though I could only see her from the side, I could tell she was very beautiful. Chitose’s face was relaxed in a way I hadn’t seen before. Like he was drawing strength and comfort from this girl. What if I was the one beside him like that? I thought, and then I laughed at myself over how ridiculous that concept was. Then, one day after school at the end of September… All club activities were canceled for some academic reason or other. After finishing classes and homeroom, I was about to go home early. “Ucchi, wait a minute!” Hiiragi stopped me. “What’s up?” I was used to her suddenly calling out to me, but she didn’t often stop me like this on my way home. “You don’t have club today, either, right, Ucchi?” “Uh, right, but why…?” Hiiragi’s face brightened, and she grabbed my hand. “I was just chatting with Saku and the others, and we’re planning to hit up Hachiban Ramen on the way home. Why don’t you come, too, Ucchi?” “Er, but…” Hiiragi had suggested hanging out a few times before. And even over summer vacation, she sent me a few messages on LINE. It was always awkward, so I tried to be evasive. I was sure she was just trying to be nice. This was the first time I’d received such a specific invitation. To be honest, I no longer even wanted to be as stubborn as I was when I first entered high school. I’d still have plenty of time to cook for my family after I got back home. And yes, I was interested in hanging out after school like a real high schooler at least once. But I’d barely ever spoken to Mizushino or Asano. And what about him? What would he think of me tagging along? While I was hesitating, filled with various worries… “You should come.” Chitose, watching from a distance, called out to me point-blank. “It’s just ramen. What are you worried about?” His blunt words gave me the push I needed. “All right, then I suppose I could tag along, if nobody minds…?” “Of course we don’t mind!” Hiiragi jumped up and down. Giggling a little, I actually did a little hop myself. When I passed through the door of Hachiban Ramen, I was hit with a nostalgic aroma. When I was little, my whole family used to come here on weekends. How many years has it been? I wondered, smiling a little. Going there alone would feel weird, and eventually my family stopped suggesting eating at Hachiban’s. So I hadn’t been there in a while. We took our seats at the table and ordered. I wasn’t sure what to get at first, but I decided to opt for veggie ramen with miso butter topping. Way back when, Mom always ordered this. She never got sick of it. At first, I tried to copy her and order the same thing, but eventually I became more of a salt ramen person. Today, though, I wanted to eat the ramen from my childhood. While we were waiting for the ramen to arrive… “You know, Ucchi!” Asano, who was sitting across from me, leaned in. “Y-yes?” His enthusiasm made me shy. “Ah, sorry. Yuuko always calls you Ucchi. Is it okay if I call you that?” Asano scratched his head calmly, and I relaxed a little. “Yes, it’s fine.” “Oh, cool. So hey, Ucchi. Why is it that Saku’s the only one you’re all buddy-buddy with?” “Huh? We’re not buddy-buddy,” I immediately replied. Mizushino spluttered with laughter from his adjacent seat. “Sorry, Kaito’s an idiot. Can I call you Ucchi, too?” I nodded. “Yeah, that’s perfectly fine, but…” “Anyway, you talk to Yuuko and Saku a lot in class, Ucchi. Kaito gets why you chat with Yuuko, but he’s always whining about how Saku is the only one of us guys you seem to want to talk to.” Asano piped up before I could respond. “Well, can you blame me? A graceful, beautiful girl ranked number one in her grade in the entrance exam. She’s always smiling, but she doesn’t have any specific friends. She’s a total enigma!” “Er… Who are you talking about?” “Well, duh! You, Ucchi!” “Huh?!” I yelped in surprise. Beautiful girl? Enigma? Where? Who? I’m just the glasses-wearing plain Jane, you know? “Aw, come on.” Mizushino grinned, hand on his chin. “Kaito only started saying stuff like that after you got contacts, Ucchi.” “Hey! You jerk! Don’t go telling her that!” What were these people talking about? Did they have no shame? Mizushino, Asano, Hiiragi, and—yeah, Chitose, too. All so different, but they’re the clique of hot guys and girls that everyone in school envies. And those people were saying this stuff about someone like me. If it wasn’t for Hiiragi’s genuine smile as she watched us, I would have mistaken it for a new and inventive type of bullying. I mean, I was still a little skeptical. It’s a mean thing to think about Hiiragi and Chitose, who always chatted to me in such a friendly way, but part of me wondered if the whole thing wasn’t just a big joke to them. Ignoring my frozen reaction, Hiiragi piped up from her seat beside me. “Kaito, you have no eye for cute girls. I saw how adorable Ucchi is right from the entrance ceremony!” “H-Hiiragi?!” “You know, Yuuko,” Mizushino said. “Why did you want to get to know Ucchi?” Want to get to know me? The things they were saying so casually embarrassed the heck out of me. It’s not like that anyway. Hiiragi gets along with everyone. She doesn’t discriminate. I’m just another classmate to her. So hearing this kind of thing is really annoying. Actually, I’m starting to get really uncomfortable here! But Hiiragi continued like it was no big deal. “Well, at first I just went to apologize, but gradually I realized that talking to Ucchi had a soothing effect on me. And I wondered why.” That’s…how she felt? Hiiragi looked at me and smiled. “Then I realized! For whatever reason, she always carefully weighs up each situation and environment. She never says anything that would hurt someone’s feelings, make them sad, or cause them to be depressed. That’s why I’m so comfortable around her, I think.” You’re wrong, I muttered to myself, although I couldn’t vocalize it. It’s nothing nearly that laudable. I’m just keeping my head low to preserve the normal, quiet life that I want. It’s not some big noble thing. Hiiragi continued. “Oh, but not with Saku, though. It’s weird.” “Really?!” Asano yelped. “You know, I had the impression Saku’s sweet talk had her under his spell.” “Absolutely not.” I was quick to deny this. Mizushino looked at Chitose and grinned. “Uh-oh. It sounds like she doesn’t like you at all.” I heard a haughty sniff. “I’m the only one she’s mean to, huh… I understand. There’s a thin line between love and hate, right, Yua?” Chitose grinned, and I retorted right away. “Uh, no.” “Really? Not even just a little bit?” “Yeah, really. Not in the slightest.” “…Aw, man.” Everyone cracked up. “Aw, Saku struck out,” said Asano. Mizushino was next. “That’s our Saku.” Hiiragi grabbed my arm and clung on. “Hey, Ucchi is my friend here, you know?!” Chitose shrugged, still grinning. And I grinned back. How long had it been since I’d chatted with classmates for hours like this? Both Asano and Mizushino were lively and funny, and they were both really nice to me, even though we’d never really interacted before. Of course, Hiiragi and Chitose seemed much more relaxed than I’d ever seen them, and I was a little envious of this group’s carefree relationships. What if I could spend every day with everyone like this? Maybe that’s getting ahead of myself. The sun went down outside the window before I even realized it. I seemed to come out of some sort of trance. Hmm? What time is it? I checked my phone for the first time since walking into Hachiban’s. It was already almost eight PM. Oh no, I thought, my heart sinking. Even on a normal day, this would be the time I needed to go home and cook dinner after club. I wasn’t expecting to be this late, so I hadn’t even texted home. When I checked my notifications, I found more than ten unread LINE messages and six missed calls. The only people from school who had my LINE info were the girls from the music club and Hiiragi. So all these messages were probably from home. I thought it was overkill, a little. But although I’d mentioned that there wasn’t any club practice today, this was my first time being this late without checking in since I’d started having a phone. So I’d caused an undue amount of concern. I knew it. I really had been getting ahead of myself. I’ll make my excuses to the others and leave the ramen restaurant first, then I can call as soon as I make it outside. Well, that was my plan, but… —Brr. Brr. Brr. The phone in my hand vibrated. The name on the display was my younger brother’s, who was right in the middle of studying for the entrance exams. I guess he planned to tell me something like, “I’m hungry. Hurry up.” He’s a growing boy, and lately he’s like a bottomless pit. “Ucchi, you should answer that.” Beside me, Hiiragi seemed to have noticed my phone. “I’m sorry. It’s my brother. I’ll just call him back…” Then I answered the call. “Hello? Sorry I’m late. Yes, I’m coming now.” “Sis. Just stay calm and listen, okay?” The voice in my ear was strained, desperate. “They took Dad to the hospital.” He was speaking slowly, deliberately. Clatter. My phone slipped from my hand, hit the table, and bounced onto the floor. “Huh…?” My mind was blank. With my empty hand near my ear… “Why?” I mumbled to no one. “…?” “…” “…!” “…” Hiiragi, Asano, Mizushino, and Chitose were all talking to me with some alarm. But I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying. Dad’s in the hospital? But he was fine yesterday. Even this morning, he told me to have a nice day. No. No, this can’t be happening. I jumped to my feet, and before I knew it, I was running toward the exit. I bumped into the waiter who was carrying the ramen, and bowls clattered together with a sharp sound. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. “Uchida!” “Ucchi?!” Chitose and Hiiragi were calling my name. I didn’t have a second to stop and explain. I jumped up and ran off without knowing what I was doing. I have to run, run, run… I don’t know where to go or what to do. But even so… I felt like if I stayed still, Dad would disappear, and I would never see him again. So even though this made no sense, I knew I had to keep moving. Keep moving and try not to throw up. BEEEEEEEEP A car horn blared. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Where’s my phone? Gone. Where’s my bag? Gone. Where am I? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. No. I have to calm down. Go back to the restaurant, apologize to everyone, ask my brother where the hospital is, and then… … I couldn’t force myself to calm down. Bad thoughts swirled like a dirty river, filling my mind with thick mud. These are the times when I have to be strongest. It’s okay. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. Help me, someone help me. Mom… “Uchida!” Just then, someone grabbed my arm from behind. Why? Why are you talking to me when I’m freaking out? I knew whose voice it was immediately. Why? When I’d done everything in my power to avoid him? Why, then, did I still want to fall into his arms and have him take care of everything? “…Chitose…” The one who was chasing me was the boy I should have hated. “Wow, you music club girls sure do run fast. Your skirt was flapping so much I almost saw your panties.” Idiot! Even at a time like this…you’re such an idiot! “Why’d you suddenly run off to the riverbed? Can you just try to calm down?” But I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. “What do I do?! It’s all my fault!!!” I clung to Chitose’s chest, clutching his shirt tightly in both hands. “It’s because I didn’t come home at the usual time. I didn’t keep my promise. I told myself I’d be normal and quiet so this wouldn’t happen again. I wasn’t going to cause any more worry to anyone. Dad’s all I’ve got left, but now…” “Yua!” Chitose grabbed me and hugged me tight. Just like he did on that day when I almost fell down the stairs. “It’s okay. Maybe it’s not as bad as you’re imagining.” I could hear his heart pounding, pounding in his strong, warm chest. “It’s okay. It’s all right.” Chitose kept repeating, over and over. Those words made me think of Mom again. “But they took him to the hospital…” Chitose patted my back reassuringly as he spoke. “The call was still live, so I asked your brother what happened. Basically, it sounds like just a simple wrist sprain.” “…Sprain?” “He was working overtime and ended up leaving later than usual, so he was hurrying down the stairs at his office and slipped. A colleague called an ambulance just in case, since it sounds like it was a pretty dramatic fall, but apparently he’s fine besides the sprain. I guess clumsiness runs in your family, huh?” “You pig!” I lifted my chin. Right in front of me, Chitose was smiling softly. “Have you calmed down now?” His eyes, so magnetic, suddenly colored with embarrassment over how close our faces were. Chitose loosened his arms and took two brisk steps back. “Your brother said to tell you sorry. He knows you worry, so he was trying to explain things to you slowly and calmly, but instead he ended up making it sound much more dire than it actually was.” Recalling the conversation we just had, I went limp. “Yes. He did say to stay calm and listen.” Chitose continued. “Your brother was at the hospital—sounds like he ran over there himself. So I was able to talk to your dad on the phone. He told me to tell you, ‘Don’t worry about anything. Just have fun with your friends.’ Oh, and he asked me to take care of his daughter, too.” When I calmed down a little, I was flooded with embarrassment for my distraught reaction, and I felt horribly guilty for running out on everyone so rudely. “Um, I, uh—I’m really sorry. Oh, at the restaurant…” I suddenly remembered how I’d knocked over those bowls on my dash to the door. “Yuuko said, ‘Leave this to us, and you go after Ucchi.’ She said she’d call later.” “Oh gosh… I’m such a mess!” “Hey, listen, Yua…” Chitose paused. I’d figured him using my first name earlier was just to get my attention while I was having a full-on panic, but the fact that he was still using it now made me feel a little squirmy inside. “If you don’t mind, can we talk a little?” “Um, but…” “I can’t just walk off and leave you here now that I’ve found you. Also…I don’t think you should be alone right now.” “…All right, then.” “I’ll buy you a cold drink from the vending machine. What would you like?” “I’ll pay.” Chitose snorted with laughter. “You don’t have your wallet, do you?” “Oh…” Right. I left everything behind when I split. Great. I was totally pathetic; I couldn’t do anything right. Chitose glanced at his phone. “Yuuko’s got your bag and stuff. Let’s go get it from her later. I did manage to grab this on my way out, though.” He handed me my phone. “Do you want to call your family?” “No, it’s all right. Thanks.” When I took it from him, I found that the screen was cracked. I frowned and let out a sigh. “When I’m around you, Chitose, something always breaks.” “Just so you know, the glasses weren’t my fault, either, you know?” Chitose gave me a goofy grin, then dashed off along the embankment. “I wasn’t talking about the glasses,” I muttered, staring at his back. As I sat down on the riverbed and listened to the sound of the water, Chitose came back. “I tried to pick something a girl might like,” he said, offering a choice of two drinks. I took the houjicha latte. “Thank you.” “Don’t worry about it,” Chitose said, sitting next to me and prying the pull tab on his café latte. After taking a sip… “What did you mean, ‘It’s your fault’?” he muttered. “Huh…?” “Not sure if you meant to say it, but that’s what you said.” Honestly, I could only sort of half remember saying that. A half remembrance was enough, though. As I sat there wondering how to answer, Chitose continued. “Ah, if you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t worry about it. Let’s talk about something else. Which restaurant has your favorite sauce for katsudon? Do you prefer grated soba noodles with lots of toppings or dipping sauce? Or we could talk about the season? Flowers, cats, constellations…” He kept talking, almost as if he was poking fun at me and trying to comfort me at the same time. “You don’t have to talk to me about it anyway. You could talk to Yuuko, or your mom, or someone else. I recently learned that just talking to someone can really kind of save your soul. So I thought it could help you out, too, Yua.” Suddenly, I thought of that beautiful girl with the short hair. Was he trying to be there for me, in the same way she’d been there for him? All right. But just this once. Maybe I can show someone what’s inside my heart…just a little bit. “Would you mind…” My voice was weak and faint. “…if I talked about my mom?” Chitose’s eyes widened a little, and then he nodded at me to go ahead. —Mom was a kind person. I don’t remember her ever yelling. She just smiled all the time. When I was little, she often played the piano or the flute for me instead of lullabies. The music was like a whisper, like a hug. I was more of a mama’s girl, and I loved to listen to her play. I’d fight to stay awake, not wanting to miss a note. But I always ended up dreaming before I knew it. I can still recall how excited I was when Mom said, “Would you like to learn to play, too, Yua?” When I went to elementary school, I started going to music classes on Mom’s recommendation. When you start practicing the piano and the flute in earnest, it’s not all fun. The set pieces for the recital were difficult, and when the teacher scolded me for not being able to play them well, there were times when I wanted to just give it all up. Kids who started learning later than me kept passing me, and I often cried and sulked and threatened to quit. But whenever that happened, Mom would always say… “It’s okay.” She’d stroke my hair softly and hug me tight. “You don’t have to compare yourself to others or compete with them. It’s enough for me if you just enjoy music normally. Love it for its own sake.” Normal. Mom was always using that word. Even when my test scores sucked. “It’s okay. If you just do your best and get a normal score, it’s fine.” Even when I fought with my friends. “It’s okay. You can just make up. That’s normal.” Even when I was asked about my dreams for my future at school and couldn’t answer. “It’s okay. Just living a normal life is all you need to be happy.” When I entered elementary school and then in junior high school, too, I began to realize that there was nothing about me that made me stand out. Many kids were better at sports, studying, and music than I was. But each time, Mom repeated, “It’s okay, it’s okay,” like a soothing mantra. Mom always told me it was okay to be normal. That that was where happiness truly lay. Her piano and flute playing were beautiful—but honestly, in many respects, Mom really was just a completely normal, average mother. She was a stay-at-home mom, waking up early in the morning to make a packed lunch for Dad. She did cleaning and laundry in the morning, then shopping in the afternoon. Every night, she would prepare all kinds of meals. I loved watching my mom cook, and I would always grab on to her leg and ask what she was making or what she was using. When she had time, I asked her to teach me certain dishes while I did my best to help out. When I first got a child’s kitchen knife, I was so happy to cut cabbage and cucumbers. So that was who Mom was. But one day, Dad told me a secret. “Your mom used to be somebody amazing, you know.” “Amazing how?” “I don’t know all the details, but when she was at the university in Kansai, she won a prize in a big piano competition.” “Really? But then why didn’t she go pro?” “…Well, that was my fault. She could have lived in a more glamorous world, but she followed me when I went back to Fukui to find a job. She always said she’d be happiest just building a warm, loving family. I tried to convince her to consider becoming a music teacher at least, but she said that if you only hold on to your dreams halfway, you’ll always be left with regrets.” “I see… Then I guess she must be the happiest ever right now!” “Hee-hee, well, I certainly hope so.” In this way, our family lived a peaceful life. We’d wake up in the morning and go to school or work, while Mom did the housework, and at night we’d all relax together. On weekdays, we’d go through the same routine, and on weekends, the four of us would often go to Lpa or Hachiban’s together. Sometimes we’d go to the cinema together and sing karaoke. When it was someone’s birthday, we’d go to revolving sushi at Kaisen Atom. That was always a big treat in my eyes. A slight change came when my younger brother entered elementary school. Mom had more free time, and when I came home from school, I’d often find her playing the piano by herself. Not the gentle songs of my childhood lullabies. She’d be pounding the keys—the sound was like screaming or crying. When I started taking lessons myself, I finally came to understand how amazing Mom was. Probably much better than a classroom music teacher. Whenever Mom noticed me, she’d laugh like I’d caught her doing something silly and stop playing. So I took to listening secretly, outside the door. She would just play without stopping until it got dark and it was time to start getting dinner ready. One night, while I was listening to Mom playing the piano, I asked a question. “Mom, won’t you ever do a recital or anything?” Mom looked surprised for a second. “Hee-hee. Well, I’m playing in front of a little audience of one right now, aren’t I?” Mom answered softly. “Not like this. Like in a real concert hall or something.” “I’m happy just playing normally at home like this.” “My music teacher said she has some adult students. We could do recitals together!” When I said that… —Ding! Mom’s nimble fingers made a rare mistake. That sharp tone was like an angry shout, and I recoiled in shock. Did I say something wrong? I thought it would be fun to play a duet together in a large hall; that’s all… “Whoops, I messed up.” As I sat there, thoughts whirling, Mom stuck out her tongue and looked at me. “Maybe I should have your teacher teach me, too.” Her smile seemed fake. I wished I hadn’t said anything. Then one day, when I was in the fourth year of elementary school… After school, a classmate actually invited me over, and we played together until it was late. When it got dark, and I finally realized it was past curfew, I rushed home and found my father sitting alone at the table in the living room. He was despondent. There were empty beer cans all over the table, along with a piece of paper that looked like an official form, in green ink. “Sorry I’m late. Where’s Mom?” Dad stared at me emptily. “She left.” “Like shopping?” I looked around the living room and saw my younger brother holding his knees on the sofa, crying and sniffling. A terrible feeling washed over me. It was like my entire world had been overwritten. I was standing in an entirely different today from what yesterday had been. Dad shook his head slightly and said, “She’s far away. She won’t be coming back.” His voice was unsteady. Huh? What did he say…? I threw down my school bag, ran over to Dad, and shook his limp shoulders. “Hey! Dad?!” Choking back tears, I started to yell. If I started crying, it would be like acknowledging that any of this was happening. “What do you mean? She’s on a trip? She’s at Grandma’s house?” Gently, Dad took my hand and shook his head again. “No, Yua. We’ve decided to part ways. From now on, it’s just the three of us.” “I don’t believe you!” I snatched my hand away and banged on the table. “Mom would never leave us! She always said she was happy! She said she was glad she met you and that we were born. She said she’d teach me piano and flute until I grew even better at it than her. She said when I grew up, we’d wear fancy dresses and do recitals together. So what you’re saying…doesn’t make any sense!” Finally, a tear fell from Dad’s eye. “Maybe she got sick of a normal life.” —Ding! I heard it again. Mom’s wrong note on the piano. It’s not true, it’s not true, it’s not true! Mom always said the same thing, like a mantra. Normal is fine; normal is best. What’s wrong with normal? Eating meals with the family every day and watching TV together—isn’t that enough? Just yesterday, Mom went with me to practice. She said I played well. We took a bath together and slept on the same futon. This was horrible. She didn’t even say anything! I didn’t get a chance to process it! Was I never going to see Mom again? Did she get sick of us? Was she angry because I broke curfew? If I did something wrong, I’ll fix it. I’ll do my best even if I’m not good at studying; I’ll never break a promise again… So please… Please… Drip. Finally, the tears fell from my eyes. “No!!!!!!” My brother leaped up and hugged me. “Sis… Sis…” Dad leaned across the table and held on to us, and the three of us sat huddled there together. It was the first time I’d said this to anyone outside of my family. Even within my family, we haven’t properly discussed it since then. Dad doesn’t usually talk much, so he didn’t tell us what was said when they broke up. He didn’t explain why he hadn’t tried to talk her out of it. He didn’t even tell us whether he’d filed the divorce papers. Maybe he thought it was too heavy for his nine-year-old daughter and seven-year-old son, or maybe he just didn’t want to put it into words. Chitose sat next to me and just listened in silence. All of a sudden, I recalled that time in my life. As soon as my elementary school friends learned on the country grapevine that my mom was gone, they avoided me like the plague. I guess I don’t blame them. It’s natural for a young child to have trouble reacting to the fact that a classmate’s mother is gone. Especially when she left just because she wanted to. What was I doing, telling Chitose? Sure I was upset, but that’s not the only reason. I’m not sure I would have said this to anyone else. Maybe I figured he’d laugh it off with another of his crude jokes. Maybe his second hug had me seeking further affection. Pathetic. Once I finished telling my story, I was still puzzling over my choices when… “So that’s why you reacted like that?” Chitose said softly. I knew he was referring to my panicked reaction from before. I nodded and cleared my throat. “It may sound dumb, but I had a flashback to that day. I got all excited, being invited out with friends for once, and I lost track of time… And while I was distracted…” “Yeah. I get it,” Chitose said. “What happened after your mom was gone, Yua?” “What do you mean…?” “What did you feel? What were you thinking? How did it change you? Of course, you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to talk, I’ll stay until you’re done.” …Honestly, I didn’t mean to even tell him this much. Talking won’t solve anything. And it’s far too personal. But Chitose… He didn’t seem deeply sympathetic, overly concerned, or unsure how to respond. At least on the surface, he was the same as ever, just continuing the conversation normally. Well, I thought. Now that we’ve discussed all this, we can’t go back to the casual relationship we had when we were eating ramen. I wish I could have spent a little more time like that. But if he was willing, then I should tell him the whole story. My mind made up, I cleared my throat again. “…At first, I remember feeling sad. Like maybe it was my fault, and raising us was too much of a burden. If I’d been a better kid, if I’d been better at piano and flute, maybe she would have taken me with her.” Chitose remained silent, looking off into the distance. “Once that finally subsided, the next thing I felt was uncontrollable anger. I mean, who could blame me? Mom was selfish. She didn’t explain anything to me or my brother. She didn’t even say good-bye. Even thinking about it now that I’m older…I think what she did was completely unforgivable.” As I spoke, the feelings I had back then came rushing back. “She told Dad she’d be happy just to get married and build a warm family. She gave birth to my brother and me. And then she just… I don’t know how Mom felt when she left. Maybe she really did want to pursue music again. Maybe she found someone better than Dad. But even if she did…!” I gritted my teeth. “It’s like saying that all the good times were a lie. You know what Mom always said? She said, ‘It’s fine to be normal.’ Was she just trying to convince herself of that? ‘It’s fine to be average. It’s okay.’ Was there a part of her that was whispering that it was a lie the whole time?” Drip, drip. Tears rolled down my cheeks. “If that’s the case, then what about me? I lived my life by those words. Was I just being jerked around by my mother’s selfish excuses? ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to be special. You can be happy even if you live a normal life. It’s fine to be the way you are.’ It’s like…” My tone was harsh, and I gave a pathetic laugh. “It’s like, how am I supposed to handle my father now, after my mother basically told him, ‘Life with you is average and boring’?” Hesitatingly, I continued. “Ever since then, my father’s been an empty shell. He’s never once blamed Mom. He’s just quietly raised my brother and me.” So… So… “—So I made a promise that I’d be normal, like she taught me to be! I’d be the very ‘normal’ she herself turned her back on. I’d stick with my father and brother and bring back our happy family life. I would take Mom’s place. And that’s what I decided.” I had kept these feelings in my heart for a long time, but once they overflowed, I couldn’t stop them. “I did my best, Chitose. Even as a nine-year-old child, I thought hard about what I should do to keep Dad and my brother from ever feeling sad again. I wanted them not to have to worry. I began to study seriously, so there wouldn’t be any concerns about how I was turning out. I maintained moderate relationships with my classmates so they wouldn’t worry about me quarreling with others or getting bullied. I didn’t want any uncomfortable entanglements, so I kept away from the kind of kids who followed the latest fashions and trends. If I screwed up, I knew the school would call Dad. I kept smiling, even when I was upset, or in pain, or when I had to deal with someone I didn’t like. I kept the peace…so I wouldn’t cause any trouble to anyone. “—I did everything I could to live a normal life!!!” Gack, ack. I coughed—I basically never shouted like that. “Ugh… Guh…” I gazed at the sky, as if I could find more air that way, but I couldn’t see the moon at all. “…But I want to be like you guys, too. I want to make close friends, have fun every day, joke around, fight sometimes, make up again. I want to get all excited when a good friend of mine has a crush on a guy. And maybe confide in them, if I ever get a crush on someone myself.” I first started having those feelings when I encountered the boy I was speaking with now. I don’t want this kind of life. I’m just trapped in the past. What I really want is to be like you. To live life openly. I wanted to know what it felt like to laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe. “Before I knew it, I was looking forward to chances to talk with you and Hiiragi. When you invited me out for ramen, my heart was racing, but I was so happy. I wanted it to continue…” I clenched my tear-spattered fists. “But I can’t! I have to prove that I can be happy even if I’m normal. I don’t want to do a single thing to hurt my father or my brother. I don’t want to be like my mother who abandoned us!!” My chest heaved. “And more than that…if I ever get close to someone…if someone ever becomes important to me…then maybe one day, I’ll lose everything again. I’ve been so afraid to be hurt like that again. I don’t want to get used to holding someone’s hand and have to let go. It scares me… It scares me so bad.” As I spoke, I kept desperately wiping away tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. “…So please, don’t get involved with me anymore.” Because…you shine too bright. The closer I get, the more my contradictions become apparent. Because you try to see what’s on the inside. Because I could see myself relying on you too much. “Thank you for listening to all that.” That, in itself, was more than enough. Under a strange set of circumstances, I’d been able to reveal a secret I’d been holding on to all alone for years, even from my family. For the first time since Mom left, I was able to cry in front of someone. With this memory alone to sustain me, I think I can do my best again. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m grateful to you, the boy I thought I hated. “…Yua… No, wait, maybe I should call you Uchida.” Chitose looked confused. Yeah, that’s fine, that’s fine. Starting tomorrow, I can just be Uchida to you again. It’s okay. Chitose took a deep breath, and… “What the hell?! What are you, stupid?!!!” He really yelled it, too. …Huh? “Agh, man. I mean, what a load of crap.” Why…why was he mad at me right now? “I knew you were living a boring life, but your reasoning is completely twisted! I mean, you’re supposed to be smart, Uchida. But I only get about half of what you’ve been saying, here.” In my shock, my tears stopped flowing. “I can understand not wanting to worry your family, or trying to live a normal life and be happy when you’ve been through something intense. Like, when you have a really painful experience in elementary school… I can see how a kid would come to that conclusion.” Chitose looked me straight in the eye as if almost glaring at me. “But how long do you plan to be nine years old? You’re Yua Uchida, aren’t you?” “Now, wait a second…!” He’s always been like this. He’s always getting the wrong idea. Intruding on others’ private feelings. Talking like he has any idea. Hitting me where it hurts, every time. Yeah, now that I think about it again… I really, really… HATE YOU!!! “You have no right to say something like that to me!” I bellowed at the top of my lungs. “You don’t know a damn thing about me! You grew up in a happy family with nothing to worry about. You’ve got friends all around you and all the good things in life. What, you want me to grow up into a rebellious teenager and fight my mom? How?! There’s no one to fight! Even if I want to, I can’t!” Then… “—Yes, you can, if you get creative.” Chitose smiled and grabbed my hand. “Come with me.” He got up and started walking off. Without knowing why, I let him tug me along. Please, let me go. I could have said that. I could have shaken him off. He really does face things openly. The strength in his eyes… I wanted to hold on to the warmth that came from his hand in mine…just a little bit longer. After I apologized and thanked the store staff at Hachiban Ramen and collected my bag and bicycle, Chitose brought me straight to a four-story apartment building. It wasn’t exactly a very nice building, but the babbling of the river nearby was pleasant to listen to. “Here…?” I called up to Chitose, who’d climbed the stairs to the top floor and stopped in front of a door. “Yeah. It’s my place,” he replied. “Oh, right, you live here… Wait, what?” He spoke so naturally that I almost just nodded along, but how could this be Chitose’s place? “Wait a minute. I just cried a ton; I must look terrible. And I don’t have a gift or anything for your parents.” Why did he bring me here anyway? What does this have to do with what we just discussed? Chitose shrugged off my concerns and smiled. “It’s okay. There’s no one else here.” He was already unlocking the door as he spoke. No one here? Maybe his family was all away? So it was just going to be the two of us? And we would do…what, exactly? Of course, I didn’t expect that Chitose, who was always surrounded by beautiful girls like Hiiragi, would want to do anything to me anyway. But it was getting late, and if his family wasn’t home… “Um, I think I…” “Just come in, Yua. I want to show you something.” Chitose opened the door and softly pushed me in the back. When I stepped inside, the place was pitch-black and silent. Coming in behind me, Chitose switched on the lights with a snap. The soft light of an incandescent bulb illuminated the room. We’d walked right into an open living room, and I could see some random furniture like a dining table, a sofa, and bookshelves. There was a faint sense of incongruity. Something was missing. Chitose quickly took off his sneakers and put on his slippers, then fumbled around inside the shoebox. He pulled out a cheap-looking pair of slippers, probably from the hundred-yen store. Not to be snooty, but they were a bit thin, and they were still connected with a little plastic thread. Blowing any stray dust off them, he bit the plastic thread with his teeth, pulled the slippers apart, and placed them on the floor in front of me. “Come on in.” There was no way I could back down at this point, so I timidly slipped out of my loafers and arranged them neatly with Chitose’s sneakers, which he’d randomly kicked off. Seeing the two pairs of shoes lined up tidily by the door was satisfying. “Excuse me…” I walked in, and…you couldn’t exactly call the place tidy. I always cook for my family, so I couldn’t help but look at the kitchen. There was a cup of instant ramen sitting out with broth left in it, but there were no plates, chopsticks, or other tableware to be found anywhere. On the dining table were plastic bottles, half-drunk cups of coffee, and empty convenience store food containers. The sofa was occupied by T-shirts and shorts heaped in a laundry pile, and it was impossible to tell if they were dirty or clean. A baseball bat and a glove sat in a discreet corner. “You know,” Chitose said to me as I looked around, “maybe it’s a little too soon for you to see inside this room…” As he spoke, he opened the sliding door in the living room. “Um… Excuse me…” Somewhat nervously, I went and stood beside him to look. It was a small room of about six tatami mats in size, adjacent to the living room. And all that was in there was…a single bed. “Huh…?” I live in a stand-alone house. I don’t really know much about the floor plans of apartment buildings, but… But this… “It’s a 1LDK. One bedroom, with a living/dining/kitchen room,” Chitose explained. For some reason, even though this was just his home, I got chills down my spine. Thinking back on it, there were clues. A strangely clean entryway, brand-new slippers waiting to be used, a cluttered room with only boy things in it, an unused sink that suggested no one ever cooked there. Only one bed in the bedroom. And above all…there was no atmosphere of cozy, mixed clutter, like in places where several people lived together. No signs of Mom in the kitchen, none of Dad’s bottles of whiskey or hobby tools, no scratch marks left by naughty younger brothers… The room reflected only the occupancy of the boy named Chitose. “Figured it out?” Embarrassed, Chitose scratched his head. “I don’t have my parents, either. Neither of them. And it hurts.” I should have been prepared, but I couldn’t help but gasp. “…Uh… I…I mean…” The things I’d said to Chitose came back to me in a rush. “Ask your mother to teach you to cook.” “Oh, too cool to hang with your mother? Must be nice to be rebellious.” “You grew up in a happy family with nothing to worry about.” …What was wrong with me? Why did I think I was the only one? I was just stewing in my own thoughts. Anyone who laughed in such a carefree way must have grown up in a happy environment. People with sadness in their past would let it show on their faces. I was too wrapped up in myself. I was just lashing out without any idea of what was really going on. Chitose continued, as if it was all no big deal. “My parents got divorced when I was in junior high. We actually all discussed it together, and the writing had been on the wall for some time. It was my choice to live alone, and I can call them whenever I feel like it.” He looked me in the eye. “Still, I think we’re in kinda similar situations. So I guess I have the right to intrude a little, huh?” He smiled bashfully. God. This guy is really… “Pfft…” “Uh, Yua?” “…Ah-ha-ha-ha!” Before I knew what I was doing, I was belly-laughing. “Is that the right response to be having, really?” Chitose sounded confused. “I mean…that’s such a forced comparison! You react totally different to trauma in elementary school than you do in junior high. And you knew it was coming… You weren’t blindsided. It’s so weird that you’d think we’re in the same situation!” “Well, all right, I’m sure it was tougher for you, Yua. But come on, it’s kinda the same thing, right?” No, it’s not! It’s really, really not! You may think I suffered more. But I’m not so sure. They’d shared even more years and memories together—separating after that must have been even harder. A nine-year-old has nothing else to do but to cry, but he was old enough to understand better, and that probably meant more conflicts and frustrations, too. The relationship between his parents slowly breaking down before his eyes, the helplessness of having to stand by and watch, the loneliness of being able to call them, but maybe not wanting to, of living alone instead of choosing one or the other. He must have been really sad. And it’s okay to let yourself be immersed in that sadness. Who could blame him for crying or complaining? But…he was being so casual about it? Offering up his past pain as a way to get through to me? I mean, seriously. What a warm, kind, strong person he must be. You might look at him and think it’s a normal reaction to divorce. Maybe he’s just coldhearted. Maybe he’s just gotten over it already. Maybe he just doesn’t really care. But I know how it really feels. Boy, do I. When someone’s been there since the day you were born, the most natural thing in the world, you start believing they’ll always be there. In fact, it’s not about believing or not. You just never imagine anything different. Your parents will always be there. Of course they will. And then to part from them is incredibly painful. It’s like having half of yourself, half of your life as you know it, ripped away from you. And honestly, you wouldn’t want anyone else to know about it. The moment someone finds out, you see the pity in their eyes. And you feel so alone, like you’ve been cast out of the world of normalcy. It’s like you’re just walking down the road, and someone points at you and yells, “Hey, everyone, don’t you feel sorry for them?!” Even if the day comes when you find someone to open up to, it’s normal to sugarcoat and give disclaimers and carefully select your words. But if there’s a reason why Chitose has been able to be so blasé about this… Then it’s for the sake of the person he decided to tell about his parents… Or perhaps she found out quite by happenstance. In that moment, that person is me. Yua Uchida. And his casualness was to stop me from having to feel the weight of his sad past in addition to my own pain and confusion. He was protecting me from the regret of my own careless words. This was to preserve our future conversations, too. No, he and I aren’t alike at all. He’s so much more mature than… “Do you want to keep talking?” Chitose asked. “…Yes!” I answered without hesitation, then looked around the room before saying… “But before that, can I clean up a bit?” He scratched his cheek pensively. “Wow, now I feel embarrassed.” As Chitose stared at the floor like a scolded child, I burst out laughing. I threw away empty food and drinks, washed the cups and gave the sink a wipe, folded the clothes on the sofa (turns out the pile was clean laundry), and disposed of the expired food in the refrigerator. Then finally, after making coffee, I settled down on the sofa. During that time, Chitose was sitting on his knees and fidgeting uncomfortably. Several times he asked me, “Is there anything I can do?” and a few times he said, “Oh, you can just leave that!” until I told him to “Sit there and be good!” Which he meekly did. I took a sip of coffee. “All right, thank you for waiting.” “…Uh, thank you.” “Hee-hee, you can sit normally now.” Chitose, beside me on the sofa, unfolded his legs with some embarrassment and got up as if he’d just thought of something. He went over and switched on his little radio. Maybe even a guy like him gets nervous being alone in private with a girl. From the radio, a nostalgic piano sonata was playing at a low volume. “It’s ‘Für Elise.’” When I was in elementary school, I couldn’t play it properly on the keyboard, and I remember practicing with my mother many times. Chitose came back and sat down heavily beside me, as if to dispel the slight tension in the atmosphere. He turned to me. “Hey, you know…” I shook my head. “I know what you want to say.” Chitose narrowed his eyes, which I took as a gesture to continue. “You think it’s messed up, don’t you? My way of life. My philosophy.” “Hmm, well.” “A little while ago, you asked me how long I plan to stay nine years old.” “That was a little harsh.” I shook my head, looking down. “I’ve been pretending not to notice it myself, but it’s true. I’m still bound by a set of self-contradictory rules dreamed up by a pathetic nine-year-old girl.” “Specifically when it comes your mother. And how the word normal features in your memories of her.” “There you go again, poking where it hurts…” I realized that, at some point, I’d stopped keeping him at arm’s length in the way I talked to him. Chitose stretched out his legs. “But what’s a normal way of living anyway? You enter Fuji High as the highest exam scorer, and you think you can just be normal? You’ll get a protractor triangle between the shoulder blades sooner or later if you try that.” “Well, I guess… I guess I wasn’t expecting to score the highest. It just happened accidentally because I study every day…” “I could stab you with an ear pick right now if you’d prefer?” he said. “Thing is…avoiding making friends, not dressing nicely, just putting up with it when you don’t like something… That’s not ‘being normal.’ It’s being a loner. It’s being drab. It’s being a pushover.” “Wow, don’t hold back on my account!” Honestly, he ought to have a license to use that tongue. I sighed, then composed myself again and cleared my throat. “I guess you’re right, Chitose. But to me, a normal life meant not creating any trouble for my family. It all got confused. But ultimately all that matters is not causing a fuss.” “Incidentally, what about hanging out with fashionable kids is ‘causing a fuss’…?” “…I mean, like, hanging out on the streets and getting mixed up with delinquents…” “High school girls are delinquents? What is this, the fifties?” Chitose exclaimed. Now that he pointed it out…I wanted to dig a hole in the ground and disappear into it. After laughing for a while, Chitose gave me a teasing look. “You’ve lost sight of what normal people are like, Yua.” “What do you…?” But he interrupted me as I was responding. “You should take a step back and try to view things more normally, first off. Go to school every day normally, make normal friends, hang out like kids do. Fight sometimes, make up, don’t study or work in your club too, too hard. Enjoy dressing nicely, catch feelings for someone, and fall in love. All normal. Isn’t that the kind of happiness your mother wanted for you, Yua? Think about it rationally. Normally. Isn’t that what being normal is? …I think I’m saying the word normal too much. Normal. Nor-mal. Ugh, it’s lost all meaning.” Yes… Yes, he was right. All those things were ridiculously commonplace. However… —In the farthest recesses of my heart, that was exactly the world I always wanted to live in. Crack. I could hear it splintering. Again. Because of him, something was about to break again. The words were so simple. What Chitose was saying here wasn’t exactly complex philosophy. If you ask the average person what “normal happiness” is, maybe nine out of ten would give you the exact same answer. But, I thought. No one had ever told this sad, misguided nine-year-old that her way of living was wrong. Of course, that was all my fault. I didn’t want to confide in others. I didn’t want to rely on them. I didn’t want anyone to know me. But him… It was like he’d been able to see my secret suffering right from the start. That’s why he rubbed me the wrong way so much. Why I tried to push him away. Why I couldn’t stop thinking about him. “Besides,” Chitose said, crossing his arms behind his head. “Yua, you say you don’t want to worry your family, but they’ve gotta feel like you’re shutting them out. They’re sad that you don’t lean on them. Right?” “Huh…?” Pointing at my chest with his finger, he said… “I mean, when your mom left, didn’t you wonder why she didn’t talk to you if she was in so much turmoil? Why did she suffer alone? Why didn’t she confide in her family?” Ask yourself, it was like he was saying. “…” This time, it hit me like a fist to the side of the head. Right. After Mom disappeared…I’ve had that thought almost daily. If it had gotten too hard to care for us, why couldn’t she let us know? I could learn to clean and do the laundry. I could get really good at cooking and take over. If Mom wanted to play the piano again, why didn’t she just say so? I never rebelled. I always tried to be a good kid. Even if she had a new boyfriend or something, I could have helped her remember what’s so great about Dad. I could have changed her mind. Right, I… “…I’ve become just like her.” That path only leads to a dead end, until you have to throw everything away, and still… Chitose half smiled. “Most parents live however they want, so why should we be the only ones to suffer the consequences? That’s the case with your household, too. Of course, your mom was wrong for leaving. But your dad was selfish, too. He kept it from his kids and just let her leave, too. “Still,” he said, continuing. “Isn’t that the way it goes? Not just with family, but with friends, and boyfriends or girlfriends, too. I think everyone lives as they please, inconveniencing others or being sneaky for our own benefit. I mean, you’re more than just your parents’ kid. You’re more than just your younger brother’s big sister. You’re more than just a quiet honor student. You’re more than just some normal girl.” Chitose patted me on the shoulder. “You’re Yua Uchida, right?” Then he laughed out loud. Crash. Patter, patter. In my head, I heard the sound of breaking glass. How…how? How do you know me better than I know myself? I’ve been wanting someone to tell me this for a long time. For someone to notice. For someone to discover me. To say, You don’t have to live like this. You can lift your head and face the future. I want good friends. I want to laugh with others every day. I want to dress up and wear makeup because, dang it, I’m a girl. When I don’t like something, I wanna be able to say it. When I fall for someone, I wanna be able to tell them. “…Your life is yours, isn’t it?” The jagged shard that had been stuck deep in my chest finally melted away. Finally, I understood. Chitose has lived his life this way. He doesn’t blame things on the past. He doesn’t use others as an excuse. He stands on his own two feet. But… “Can I, though? I’ve been so docile for such a long time… I built a wall for myself and shut myself in, so if I suddenly throw all of it away…” I was still afraid to take that next step. My mouth made a pathetic whine. Chitose suddenly flicked my forehead. “Ow, hey…?!” The pain spread slowly, and it was somehow…reassuring. “Don’t be ridiculous. You think Yuuko and I chat with you as part of some nerd outreach program? Don’t ask me to explain why, ’cause it’s embarrassing, but we’ve both taken an interest in you. We both want to be friends with you.” Chitose softly placed his hand on the spot between my neck and shoulder. “I don’t know much about the value of living, though. After all, you can kill a person with a good squeeze here. No one knows what will happen tomorrow. You might get into an accident or get sick. Your family might suddenly disappear, someone you thought was your friend might turn their back on you, you might lose sight of your dreams. I mean, you and I know that better than most, right? So…” He moved his fingertips from my neck to my cheek. “I can’t replace your mother or make it so the past didn’t happen. But together, we can create new memories for the future. Here, today, right now. We’ll never get the chance to do this time over again. And it just so happens that we come from a similar set of circumstances. If you don’t mind being friends with me…then we can have fun, and laugh, and cry, and fight, and annoy each other…just like another kind of family.” He stopped talking, smiling with his eyes. “—Let’s become the kind of friends who can make up for each other’s shortcomings.” At that moment, I burst into tears. Heavy drops left my cheek and your fingers wet. The warmth of your touch was gentle, reassuring, reliable. Honestly… He really is just so… “Honestly, Saku, you really…” I grabbed his proffered hand and held it tight. “…All right, then!” And I laughed, my face all screwed up with emotion. After that, I went out on the balcony and called Dad. I suppose it would have been better to look him in the eye and tell him directly, but it took a lot of courage to reveal the feelings I’d kept hidden in my heart for all these years. I felt more confident telling him here. When I told Saku that I might be a while, he smiled with those gentle eyes and said, “It’s cool. I’ll be taking a bath, so take as long as you need.” The day Mom left, I had made several decisions. I set doctrines for myself. But now I planned to do things differently. I told Dad everything, with no pretenses, as gently as I could. Halfway through, I could hear Dad’s voice trembling. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t notice. I let you worry… I let you suffer in silence…” He kept apologizing like that, over and over. At the end, I even had a little talk with my brother. My long, long fight against no one was finally over. Then I ended the call and reentered the room, to find… “—Hng?!” …Saku, shirtless, with a towel around his neck, sipping a soda, cool as you please. “Can I ask what you think you’re doing?” By reflex, my stiff way of speaking returned. “Say what now?” “Clothes! Please! Put on some clothes!” “Oh, right.” Saku randomly pulled out a T-shirt from the laundry I’d just folded and yanked it on, as if under duress. “You’re used to living in a house full of men, aren’t you?” True, my brother lounges around like that after a bath, and sometimes he even gets changed when I’m in the room. “That’s not the point here! Do you dress like that when other girls come around?!” “What other girls?” “Uh, like, Hiiragi…?” “You’re the first, Yua,” Saku said casually. “Huh?” “You’re the first girl who’s been to my place. That’s what I’m saying.” “Oh… Really…?” My heart skipped a beat. “The heck? You think I have a revolving door of girls coming in and out of here or something?” “…Uh, yeah, a little bit.” “I’m not going to dignify that suggestion with a response.” After a short silence, we both snorted with laughter. All of a sudden, everything just seemed hilarious to me. I’m the first, am I? Me? Thump, thump, badump. No, this isn’t what it looks like, I thought, trying to deny my own joyful heartbeat, but then I realized…I don’t have to do that anymore. I settled back against the sofa, mulling through emotions I’m not used to fully feeling yet, and… “How’d it go with your dad?” Saku asked, beside me. “He apologized a lot for how things have been. He said he’s leaned on me too much. From now on, he’s going to help with the housework and cooking so I can go out and have fun more. He said that’s what he always wanted anyway.” “Right. I see.” “It was kinda…anticlimactic. I should have said something earlier. It was so simple, but it took so long to be able to say it… I told my brother I was sorry for not making dinner tonight, and he must have been starving…and he just laughed.” “Heh. What did he say?” “He said I smother him. He’s already in junior high and can feed himself. He can just grab instant ramen or something from the convenience store.” “Well, yeah.” “Ha-ha.” I laughed, showing my teeth. I was a little bit fascinated by how he looked from the side—and how his hair was shining, still slightly wet. Then suddenly, Saku looked at his phone. “Yikes, it’s kinda late.” I grabbed my own phone. It was already eleven PM. “I’ll take you home, Yua.” But as Saku was getting up, I shook my head. “Er, I was thinking I’d sleep over?” “Oh, right, I… Wait, what?!” Now it was his turn to be all freaked out. I got the reaction I wanted and had to fight a grin. “Hey you, are you nuts?” Now I kinda understood how Hiiragi felt when she said he could call her, “Hey, you,” if the urge took him. This kind of informality isn’t bad at all. “But I already got Dad’s permission, you know?” “Don’t give me a heart attack, here.” “Well, I left out the part where you’re a guy. I said I was at a sympathetic friend’s house and planned to sleep over. Dad actually sounded happy. I’ve never asked to stay over at anyone’s place before.” “You left out the biggest part of this setup, and you barely even batted an eye, huh?” I giggled. “Would it be an imposition?” “An imposition? I mean, yeah?!” “But, Saku, you said we have to live as we see fit, sometimes inconveniencing others, sometimes being sneaky for our own benefit.” “Yeah, but some things are more inconvenient than others. You can’t just stamp on the accelerator. How naive are you?” “But you told me you wanted to be friends… Like a little family,” I teased as he scratched his head awkwardly. “Thanks to a certain someone, it’s the first time since that day that I’ve let loose. I think you have some obligation to take responsibility here.” “You know…” He let out a sigh of resignation. “Darn it. If I pounce on you, don’t go crying.” “It’s okay. You don’t see me as a romantic prospect anyway, right, Saku?” I figured responding to that might be difficult for him, so I continued. “Anyway, could you come with me to the convenience store? I need, um, stuff.” “Okay.” “And can I have a bath?” “I’ll…I’ll do some practice swings outside, so you can do that while I’m gone.” “All right. I’ll try not to be too long.” I knew I was being really bold. But…just for tonight. I just wanted to talk to him awhile longer. I wanted to be with him awhile longer. I mean… Yeah. I’d gotten totally carried away… After shopping at the convenience store and taking a bath, Saku took another shower after getting all sweaty. By then, it was already past midnight. Now the two of us were sitting side by side on the sofa, drinking iced lattes. Saku told me to grab something from the closet, so now I was wearing a baggy sweatshirt that was loose and cozy. “You won’t be able to sleep if we have caffeine this late, will you?” said Saku. “Hmm, I don’t really feel like sleeping anytime soon anyway. Thanks for staying up with me, though.” “Oh, I can fall asleep after a coffee in the middle of the night.” “Oh, well, that’s good to know.” Then I had a sudden thought. “Speaking of which, Saku, you’ve been living alone for about half a year, right?” “Yeah, since I entered high school.” “So you must be pretty used to it by now, right?” “Yeah. This place has gotten pretty comfortable.” “Then what was with the sob story earlier?” “…I make no apology.” Seeing Saku scratching his cheek as if to hide his embarrassment, I smiled wryly. “You’re a boy, so some level of messiness is expected, right? My brother’s like that, too. But your food is mostly freeze-dried or frozen, or it’s from the convenience store or some fast-food place, right?” I’d found a lot of those kinds of containers and packages in the trash. Saku shifted, embarrassed. “Yeah, recently, I’ve been a little worried about that myself. Up until summer vacation, I was paying attention to my diet. It wasn’t anything fancy, but I focused on cooking rice every day, grilling meat or fish, and getting vegetables in as much as possible. I was trying to build my body.” Oh, the baseball club, I thought. But I figured I’d better not get ahead of myself and pry. I didn’t want to give away how much I already knew. Saku couldn’t know that I’d been watching that scene from the window of the music room. And I still had no idea what was really going on with him when that was occurring. So I kept my tone light. “Even though you look like a perfect superhuman at school, even you fall short sometimes, eh?” “Does it awaken your maternal instincts?” “Yeah,” I answered lightly. “Huh?” “So from now on, I’ll make the meals around here. I can’t do it every day, but I can come here from time to time. I’ll bring some staples, and then fresh stuff on a regular basis.” “…What, like a wife who still works?” “Hey, watch how you phrase it! Well, when you have some free time, I’d appreciate you accompanying me to the grocery store. My brother’s growing, and he consumes an unbelievable amount of food.” Saku chuckled mischievously. “You know, just a short while ago you were blubbering all like, ‘Don’t get involved with me!’ weren’t you?” “…Was here where you squeeze?” “Ack! Yua! Didn’t I just tell you how that can kill someone?!” Well, I’m embarrassed enough to die. Or kill the only witness. But all I really can focus on right now is how I can do something to repay this guy for what he’s done for me. “Honestly, Saku…” When I pouted and deliberately turned my back, he snorted with laughter behind me again. “All right, I give.” Saku held out his hand. “Then would you be so kind, Yua?” I smiled and said, “All right. Leave it to me.” And I gripped his hand tight. Before long, it started seeming like a good time to get some sleep. Saku announced that he would take the sofa so I could use the bed. Of course, I tried to refuse, but Saku wasn’t about to cave. He’s a flirt, but this was one of the ways he seemed to be oddly old-fashioned. For my part, I could have gone on talking for hours. I’m sure…I’m sure it would be annoying… But I wanted to keep talking right up until I fell asleep. I wanted to listen to his voice. That’s why I suggested moving the sofa in the living room into the bedroom. Of course, pushing the sofa right up to the bed felt weird, so I left a modest gap. However, it was a shame that the backrest of the sofa formed a sort of wall. At least if I turned it sideways, we could see each other’s faces. Getting everything arranged kept me excited, but once it was done, and I peeled back the sheets, I felt my face burn with sudden embarrassment. What was I doing? Oh well. It was too late to retreat now. So I resigned myself to lying down. When I covered myself with a blanket, the smell was very masculine, and not in the same way as my dad and my brother. The scent of shampoo and cologne wafted from the surface, with a hint of earthiness underneath that smelled like sweat and soil, like grass on a sunny day. After taking a few deep breaths through my nose, I seemed to view the whole setup from above, and I almost freaked. What was I doing? It was too late to back out now. Has Saku noticed this tension? Grr! No! He seems perfectly calm! He was so casual, like he was completely oblivious to my turmoil, when he said: “Yua, are you still awake?” “…Yeah.” “Can we still talk?” “…Yes, I’d like to talk a little while longer, too.” “Being stiff again.” “Er, okay. Sure. Let’s talk.” “Remember when I said how it makes it feel like all the fun times were a lie?” “Yeah…” “Yua… Do you still hold a grudge against your mom?” “…Yes, I do. I’m angry. I can’t accept what she did.” “Oh, right.” “Why’d you ask?” “You know, all this time, I’ve been thinking…” “Yeah?” “Just because your mom is gone, it doesn’t mean all of it was a lie.” “What do you mean?” “What I said. Your mom may have left you… But I don’t think the words she left with you were lies.” “Maybe…” “Wait, I’m not phrasing this well. Maybe your mom was secretly troubled, and part of what she said was meant to convince herself. But there was no reason to lie to you, was there? Only to herself. Does that make sense?” “…” “Did you hate your mom?” “…” “You can get mad at me if I’m misunderstanding this. To me, it seems that you wanted to take revenge on your mother who abandoned what you thought of as ‘normal.’ Or maybe you tried to disprove her by showing you could be ‘normal’ and happy, too.” “…Yeah, I think so.” “I understand it in theory, but if it were me, the first thing I’d do would be to discard the word normal that had been ingrained in my memories. And the music that my mom taught me, too.” “…” “You know, Yua… Maybe you hate your mom so much you can’t forgive her. But you also love her just as much, don’t you? You don’t want to forget the times you shared or the words she left you… Do you?” “Agh…” Saku’s words pierced me straight through again. What should I do? What was the correct answer? I…I… “I was just starting to feel better. I was thinking I might even get some sleep. And then you go and turn everything upside down. It’s irritating. Maybe you’re right, Saku. I can’t forgive my mom. I don’t think anyone should ever do what she did. And no, I can’t accept it. And yet there’s a part of me…” Tightly hugging the blanket, I continued… “That time I spent with Mom… I was happy. I was definitely happy.” Saku laughed. “Oh, right. So you did know. All right, then that’s fine.” “Huh…?” “If you love your mom, go ahead and keep loving her.” “But…” “Let’s talk,” he said. “I’ll listen to you until you fall asleep. Tell me what you loved most about your mom.” “What I loved most…?” “I don’t know if you know this, but I quit the baseball club.” “Yeah. I heard about it from Hiiragi.” “Oh, right,” Saku said, shifting on the sofa, and I could feel him turning toward me. “The balls they use in high school baseball are as hard as rocks and heavier than they look. When I hit the ball with the wrong part of the bat, my hands get numb. One day, the pitcher screwed up and hit me in the side. I seriously couldn’t breathe. “Pfft.” He laughed, a happy sound. “But if you catch it just right, with the core of the bat, it feels like it’s as light as air. Even though you’re hitting a rock flying at sixty-odd miles with a metal bar, it feels just the same as hitting a colored ball with a plastic kiddie bat. It’s addictive.” His voice was filled with joy. “I know it’s a home run the moment I hit it. The bat, the ball, and I are one. It’s like, bring it on, you know?” He stopped, smiling with his eyes. “I’m obsessed with that moment. The feeling of it, in my hands. I think I kept playing baseball because I wanted to go on chasing that feeling. So…” Saku continued. “I couldn’t handle quitting. I was frustrated, I was lost, I was pathetic… I blamed myself over and over again. I wondered what had gone wrong, what I should have done differently. But you know, even if I never got to where I wanted… Even if my passion went unrewarded forever… Even if I could never get back to where I was… I never once wished I’d never played in the first place. The time when I loved baseball, the days I spent practicing and playing…they formed an integral part of who I am.” His gentle expression, blurred in the faint darkness, showed that this was not just him trying to comfort me, but that he was totally sincere. From what I saw at that practice, and from how the second semester started, I could only imagine how heavy a decision it must have been for Saku to quit baseball. But he was still able to remain… I gripped the edge of the blanket tightly. “…You know, she used to read picture books to me all the time.” Slowly, I began to talk, like flipping through an old photo album. “I’d sit between Mom’s legs, and she’d hug me from behind. She’d do all the different character voices. She was really good.” “Like how a certain someone uses a different voice only for me.” “Hee-hee.” I giggled, continuing. “She was doing housework at home all day, but she never dressed sloppy. Her shirts were never wrinkled, and they always smelled like fabric softener and sunshine.” “I guess that’s why you’re so well-groomed, Yua. Your mom’s example.” “She’d hum while she was cooking, and it was like a musical performance. Dun dun dun, dat-da-da, that kind of rhythm. When she was done cooking, there was never a single dirty dish or utensil in the sink. It was like she’d magicked them away.” “So that’s why you always clean up the kitchen while you’re cooking.” “And also…” “…” “…?” “…!” “…” “…” “…” Like a dam that burst, I kept talking about Mom. To be honest, this whole time, I’ve been conflicted. I’d tried not to see the contradiction. I’d made up my mind—or thought I had—that I hated my mother and I could never, ever forgive her. When I was playing the piano, or the flute, or even when I was like, Oh, let’s just forget it all and picked up the sax, I’d hear Mom, a smile in her voice, saying “It’s enough to just enjoy music in a normal way.” When I was sad…when my heart felt like it was going to break… I’d think of Mom. I’d see her face. It’s all right. Yeah. Ever since that day, even now, I’ve kept Mom in my heart. “I…” I put my cheek on the pillow and looked at Saku. “You think it’s okay not to forget her? Is it okay to say that I loved her? Is it okay to pray for her to be happy somewhere?” “Come on, that’s not something I can answer.” After that curt statement, he continued. “—I will say, though, Yua…you look more at peace than you did before.” And those words were like the final fragment that was missing. Like when I listened to the piano before going to sleep. A gentle warmth gradually filled my body. Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom. I still hate you so much that I can’t forgive you. “But I loved you.” Then I buried my face in the pillow and finally cried. For some reason, the stain that gradually spread beneath my cheeks was warm. Saku hummed the nursery rhyme “Mother” in a soft voice, and it almost felt like a gentle stroke on my hair. From that day on, I had never cried, even in front of my family. No matter how discouraged I got, I tried to clench my teeth and focus on frowning. And yet, because of this person, thanks to him.… My pillow was wet with about seven years’ worth of rain. Starting tomorrow, I… I wouldn’t have to be tied down by my nine-year-old self anymore. I could talk with Hiiragi and ramble on. I could ask her to teach me how to apply makeup and help me shop for clothes. Maybe I’d try to look more like her and grow my hair out a little. I’d have to properly introduce myself to Mizushino and Asano again. I could clash with Dad and my brother, and allow them to clash with me. I could embrace my memories of Mom and live my own life. My life would be all my own. I don’t know how long I cried. Before I knew it, Saku’s lullaby was over, and I could hear his carefree breathing. I stood up quietly so as not to make a noise and went out onto the balcony. I listened intently to the concert the insects were putting on. I leaned against the balcony railing and looked at the sky. When I took a full breath, my lungs were surprised by how cold the air was. Summer was just ending, and autumn was approaching, one slow step at a time, like walking up the stairs carrying a stack of paper. I took stock of what I could see, the wind I could feel on my skin, the sounds, the smells, the temperature. I didn’t want to forget this night. I’d always remember it. —I would hang this bright moon in the center of my heart, the moon I’d somehow found in a black sky. Then I went back into the room and squatted down by the sofa. At school, he’s always smiling and joking. At times, he’s embarrassingly dashing and masculine. Right then, though, he looked like a young boy. Not so different from my brother. Careful, so as not to wake him, I parted his bangs. I’m not sure I’d ever looked at his face this carefully before. I’d been looking away and turning my back all the time. …Hmm, yes, he’s very well put together, but something doesn’t quite add up. Eyebrows that look like they’ve been drawn with a brush, long feminine eyelashes, straight nose, sharp contours, cheeks that look softer than I thought. Thin upper lip and puffy lower lip. Experimentally, I traced his skin with my little finger. A little dry, but the skin was elastic, even a little plump. Did that tickle reach him through his dreams? His mouth moved like he was mumbling, and when I gently touched his lip, the tip of his tongue flicked out. I hurriedly withdrew my hand from that vivid, lukewarm sensation. When I held up my little finger in front of me, the area near my fingernails was slightly wet, reflecting the color of midnight. Unthinking, I drew my hand toward my own mouth, then I quickly wrapped it in my other hand, as if I were hiding evidence. I looked at the face of the sleeping boy again. Hey, Saku. Thank you for noticing me. Thank you for finding me. Thank you for lighting up the dark night. But it’s strange. When I was younger, I thought it was okay to be normal. At some point, I started to think that I had to be normal. And now, for the first time, I’m making a wish. It’s okay if I’m not your favorite. It doesn’t matter if I’m not important; it doesn’t matter if I’m not special. I’m happy to be like air… Only there when you stop to think about it. Like maybe if you’re ever in trouble, you might call my name first. —I want to be what normal means to you. I may not have much to offer. But maybe, someday… If the time comes when you’re alone and downcast… When you’re all alone, filled with unspoken words… If you’re lost on a moonless night… Then out of everyone, I’ll be the one to be by your side. The next morning, I made us omurice using the ingredients I’d bought at the convenience store. It was a rather simple choice for an inaugural dish when I was cooking for someone else, but I felt like it was perfect for the morning after a big cry. The morning after I’d been able to admit I still loved Mom. And to signal our new arrangement going forward. Saku wolfed it down in no time, exclaiming how delicious it was. I glanced at the frying pan in the kitchen to see if there was any leftover ketchup rice and made a mental note that Saku eats even more than my brother. Then I got dressed and left the house with an unironed shirt for the first time in high school. Saku and I walked along the riverbed while pushing our bikes. It felt so good, and the scenery looked so beautiful that I secretly decided to walk to school from tomorrow onward. When we entered the classroom together, Hiiragi was the first to notice. “Saku, good morning!!! Huh, Ucchi, too? Did you two run into each other?” Apparently, Saku had texted her last night, telling her not to worry. Of course, he kept my personal stuff, and our sleepover, a secret. As Hiiragi rushed over to him, Saku greeted her with a cool “Morning.” After clearing my throat, I summoned up a little courage and said, “Good morning, Yuuko. I’m sorry I caused all that trouble yesterday.” She tipped her head and smiled. “…Huh?” Then she stiffened, brows rising. She grabbed my hand, beaming now. “Ucchi, you just called me by my first name!” “Well, I guess it was a little sudden. But you said I could…” “Yes! Yes!” she chirped, head bobbing. “I’m so happy! Let’s talk more!” “Yeah. Um, can you come with me when I go shopping for clothes?” “Of course!!! And if I get called on during class, will you help me…?” “Er… I’m not sure those two things are connected…” As we spoke back and forth, I heard a short burst of laughter. “Honestly, Yuuko, Yua, what a fuss to make over using first names.” I responded in my usual put-upon way without thinking. “You stay out of this, Saku.” “But I’m the class president. I have to keep track of everyone’s friendships.” “You take the position way too seriously. You even manhandled me out of carrying those handouts.” “Hey, don’t question my leadership skills. That’s punching below the belt.” Yuuko was just watching our conversation, unusually for her, until eventually she interrupted in a voice that was 30 percent squeakier than usual. “Okay, now I’m mad! Listen here, Ucchi!” “M-mad? About what?” “As soon as everyone’s done with club, we’re all going to Hachiban’s today!” “Um, but we only just went yesterday…” I almost caught myself saying, “Sorry, I have to cook for my family…” But I’d decided to stop doing that. I’ve decided to eat with my friends today, so please fend for yourselves tonight. Yeah, I could say that. My brother, who usually eats all my home-cooked meals, might go out and buy fast food. Dad might decide to make fried rice or stir-fry veggies. Oh, in that case, I hope he leaves a little bit for me. It would be nice to go to Hachiban’s with the other two guys again, after all. As I was thinking about it, Mizushino and Asano also gathered around. Yuuko yelped in delight. “Yesterday was our Let’s Befriend Ucchi party. Today is Ucchi’s Welcome to Our Group party!” “Welcome…party?” Saku grinned with one side of his mouth. “Welcome to Team Chitose.” Yuuko, Asano, and Mizushino all quickly fired back. “Yuuko Hiiragi’s Angels.” “Kaito’s Dynamite Bombers.” “Kazu’s Creative Agency.” All eyes were on me. They were expecting me to come up with something. “…Um, Yua 5?” Chitose grinned. “All right! Disbanded due to creative differences!” He thrust out his fist. Everyone else followed suit. Meekly, I imitated them. Then they all burst out laughing. Asano shivered. “Yikes, this is so embarrassing!” Mizushino responded coolly. “I got carried away and jumped on board, too. But yeah, that was lame.” Yuuko clutched her stomach in mirth. “Aw, it’s fine! We’re young!” “Even so,” Saku said mischievously, “we’ll never be Yua 5 with that kind of energy.” “““No way!””” “Hey, guys, that’s mean!” As I jabbed back, I was thinking. I’d been seeing the world through clear glass this whole time. This was embarrassing, lame, a little dorky, and so dazzling bright it almost blinded me. And just a little bit exciting. Yeah, this is good. This is great. —The seasons have changed several times since then. Wrapped up in this familiar blanket again, I gazed at the moonless night. At some point, we stopped talking about our memories of Yuuko, and silence filled the small, square room. I quietly slipped out of bed and squatted down by the sofa. Gently, I combed the boy’s messy bangs with my fingers. Wow, I wasn’t sure he’d ever get to sleep tonight. Well, today was exhausting. A little worried that I couldn’t hear him breathing in his sleep, I brought my little finger close to his lips until I felt his warm breath. I was about to re-create that night, but I stopped at the last minute. Instead, I touched my own lips and gently traced them from corner to corner. That almost indirect kiss, one year later, was somewhat sweet, like tomato ketchup. A bitter feeling of guilt pierced my chest. Leaving the tear-soaked, twilit classroom behind, I chased after Saku. I have no regrets. It was something I’d made up my mind about, a long time ago. Back then…I had a reason. I thought I had excuses. But, I thought. Now, here, like this, just staring at you while you sleep…being the only one by your side… —I can’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction. I turned, spotting a crescent-shaped light on the side table beside the bed. It appeared here after Saku’s birthday party. Yuuko brought him a yukata, and Haru gave him a glove for playing catch. So maybe it was a gift from Yuzuki? Or from Nishino? It didn’t look like something he would have gotten for himself. “Saku, you helped me discover myself. So if you went for Yuuko, or Yuzuki, or Nishino, or Haru, well…I’d have been fine with it.” I don’t believe those words were false. When I first made contact with your heart, there was already a special girl beside you. She eventually became an irreplaceable best friend to me.