Chapter 86

CHAPTER 6 Us Two Together with No Moon in Sight —In the spring, at sixteen years old, I, Yua Uchida, entered Fuji High School. To be honest, I was surprised when I got the top score in the entrance exam and was tasked with delivering the commencement address as the new student representative, but I was on board with the idea. In junior high, I got the top test scores. That said, I’m no genius. It’s not like I can understand all the concepts just by skimming through the textbook, and I can’t rattle off a bunch of correct answers to complex problems I’ve never seen before. Like most kids, I didn’t like studying when I was little. I had much more fun playing the piano and flute, which my mother encouraged me to do, and my report cards were generally only just above average. But sometime in the fourth grade, I made up my mind that I’d work hard and help my family stop worrying. I started studying and working hard to prep for my classes until late at night, every night. Meaning the practice of studying for entrance exams has always been part of my daily routine. I’ve just spent more hours than most doing it. Things might be different when it comes time for college entrance exams. But so far, at least, I’ve managed to get high scores on every test just by studying hard and memorizing well. Just by working your way steadily through books of practice problems, you can pick up the important vocabulary, figure out the standard procedures for answering questions, and learn the patterns. I spent more time doing that than most people, so as a result, I got better grades than most people. I’ve never thought of myself as smart. What I do is make sure that when I take a test, many of the questions are at least familiar. In the end, it’s not much different from having the answers in advance. But occasionally, when I’m up against a problem that requires flexible thinking and responsiveness, I make careless mistakes, even when I try to think through things methodically. So am I what people call a hard worker? I wouldn’t exactly say that, either. In terms of pure process, sure, I’m diligent. But I lack motivation and drive. I didn’t study because I wanted to be good at school. My motivation was always about not giving my family any reason to worry about me. Also, I just didn’t have friends, so the time that might have gone to socializing was saved for studying instead. In fact, I studied because I had nothing better to do, so I feel guilty trying to pass it off as some sort of decisive effort on my part. Way back, I did have some friends in school, and in music class. We weren’t close enough to be called good friends, but when we ran into one another, we would chat and eat lunch together. At least, I don’t remember being alone. But when I entered fourth year, I made up my mind to study hard. One by one, my friends disappeared. We didn’t argue or fall out, and I wasn’t bullied. It was just that everyone else found other friends they vibed with better, and they prioritized spending time with people who weren’t me. I don’t think anyone really knew what to do with me. For a long time, I’ve been aware of the fact that I’m considered “plain.” I’m not that good at talking, and I’m not perky and outgoing, so I spent a lot of time with the quiet kids in class. I wasn’t savvy to trends or fashion, and that was around the time I started wearing glasses, too. In fact, I actively tried to distance myself from fashion and so on. When I had nothing better to do, like during breaks at school, I just studied. Before I knew it, I was cast in the role of “quiet honor student.” I’m a little hesitant to say it myself, but everyone in my class put me on a pedestal a bit as one of the smart kids. I would let other kids sneak a peek at my homework when they came to class having forgotten to do theirs. And before tests, the popular kids would come to me to borrow my notes or ask me to explain problems they didn’t understand. I wasn’t the type to tell people, “You’ve got to do it yourself,” so I tried to help them as much as I could. Tutoring others helped me understand, too, so I never felt like I was being taken advantage of. And so it continued for a long time. Before I knew it, a transparent wall had formed around me. People would crowd around me and call my name, but it was like they were talking to a walking puppet who’d been designated the perfect, subdued honor student. No one wanted to get to know Yua Uchida. No one wanted to get inside Yua Uchida’s heart. No one wanted to be friends with Yua Uchida. It was very comfortable for me. I was able to study more than ever, but now I had to shoulder the burden of the role. —Because I wanted to be a normal girl, more than anyone else in the world did. I wanted to be someone who doesn’t stand out too much. Someone who doesn’t need to have a ton of friends, or any really close friends. Just someone who doesn’t look lonely and pitiful. Effortless, riding the breeze of school life. That’s what I wanted. I liked having clear boundaries around me, though. Eventually, when I entered junior high school, my title of “quiet honor student” faded. And once I started getting treated like “a good girl who helps everyone else study,” I felt like I’d gotten what I wanted. You might be like, what does a kid know? But really, just living a normal life was enough for me. I didn’t get any great fortune, but at least I escaped the fate of being shoved to the bottom. Sure, I wasn’t showered with adoration from everyone around me. But I could avoid causing any pain to those I cherished. It’s fine like this. This is what I want. Please let it continue like this, in high school… Within a few days of admission, much sooner than I expected, I was once again treated as a quiet honor student by my classmates. Unlike in junior high school, where students were automatically sorted by school district and many of them graduated from the same elementary school, high school students come from all over the prefecture. What’s more, this is Fuji High we’re talking about. I didn’t really want to be the honor student. Honestly, I was fine with being thought of as sort of mousy and plain. But as the first-year class representative with the highest entrance scores, I’d ended up overshooting the mark a little. And I got cast in a role that I quickly grew comfortable in. My new life at a college prep high school was actually much more comfortable than I’d imagined it being. And there weren’t any high-octane, ruckus-causing students at Fuji. The girl sitting next to me said, “You’re smart, aren’t you?” But after we’d talked for a while, she seemed to figure me out pretty quickly. She ended the conversation smoothly, in a way that would avoid any future connection. As soon as the class started, even the people who’d been standing in the middle of class laughing and chatting were suddenly all quiet and listening to the teacher. Lots of students here studied during their breaks, too, so it was a relief to find that my natural habits made me normal in this environment. But one day, in homeroom, there was an incident in which I was actually involved. Mr. Iwanami, who’s the opposite of what you’d imagine for a prep school teacher, suddenly announced that we were going to choose the class president. I was like, Uh-oh. I put my face down so as not to make eye contact with anyone. There’s a type for the president, you know? In novels, movies, TV dramas, there’s always a good-girl character who wears glasses and acts fussy about rules and so on. Except for that last characteristic, those all applied to me. So whenever it came time, I was always put forward as a recommendation almost as a matter of course. Usually someone in the middle of the class would say something like, “How about Uchida? She’s smart!” and everyone would agree. For example, in this class… “Yes!” The very person I’d been expecting to volunteer flung her hand into the air. —Yuuko Hiiragi. I know this sounds terrible, but when I first saw her, I was surprised that someone like her got into Fuji High. She’s as pretty as an idol who just stepped out of the TV screen, and even though she wore the same plain uniform as everyone else, she made it look so stylish. She had everyone’s attention. But somehow it didn’t seem to have gone to her head at all. She always smiled cheerfully and talked to everyone in a friendly way. She was the complete opposite of me, in other words. I’d only known her as my classmate for a few days, but watching her, I started feeling embarrassed for wishing I could be normal. After all, I’m the definition of normal. Next to someone like Hiiragi, I’d blend right into the background and disappear, no matter how much I tried to fight it. …So I had a glimmer of hope in my heart. Maybe she was going to volunteer for the position herself. If so, I would gladly give her my vote. However, after a short exchange with Mr. Iwanami, what she ended up saying was… “How about Uchida? If she’s up for it, of course?” Ah, those familiar words. There were casual mutterings of agreement and scattered claps of approval around the classroom. Yeah. Called it. I look like the type who loves enforcing the rules, right? No… That makes it sound more obnoxious than it is. I’m sure Hiiragi was just saying that I looked on top of it. “Er, uh…” I hesitated, but I’d mostly resigned myself to it already. If you asked me if I wanted to be class president… Well, not particularly. I mean, I’m not one of those people who relishes taking the lead and demonstrating leadership. And if there was some kind of issue in class that needed hashing out, I’d have to mediate… The very thought made my stomach hurt. Seeing me hesitate, Hiiragi continued. “Ah, sorry to just spring it on you. But you were the representative for the new students at the entrance exam, and so I thought you’d be the best option for us all. But if you don’t want to, you can simply say no, okay?” Her empty equivocation drove me into a corner. I know she meant it. But it wasn’t fair for someone like Hiiragi to say it. Looking at the reactions of the people around me, I saw that the class was already welcoming the idea, and if I turned it down now, people would be left feeling negatively to some extent or another. And that would affect the normal student life I was after… I slumped my shoulders and let out a sigh. So just like I’ve done all my life, I chose the path that was easiest to deal with, the one that wouldn’t make big waves. “No, it’s okay. If that’s okay with you…” Hiiragi looked relieved. Plus, you know, this is Fuji High. I couldn’t see any student squabbles arising. Even if I was the class president, all I’d really be doing was leading homeroom and assisting the teacher. It’ll be fine. Okay. Yes. This is all right. It’s cool this way. I was trying to convince myself, when… “—Nah, I’m not into it.” Someone’s voice sounded, quietly but clearly… ““Huh…?”” Hiiragi and I both spoke in surprise at the same moment. Looking in the direction of the speaker, I realized it was the boy who’d been sort of catching everyone’s attention these past few days. He’d scraped his chair back and was now standing. As I recalled, his name was Saku Chitose. Right after we entered this school, he and two other boys had become pals, and the three of them really stood out in class with how much noise they made. So he’d left an impression on me. And I’d noticed how the girls had giggled and reacted to him, too. To be honest…my first impression was that he was someone I really didn’t want to get involved with. In elementary school and junior high, there always were people like this, the center of attention in class. For boys, they’re usually star players in some sports club or other, like baseball or soccer. Or they’re just really good-looking. Sometimes both. Some of them were arrogant, but some were kind to everyone. You can’t really lump them all together and dismiss them as jerks. But the common denominator is that, for better or for worse, they have way too much of an influence on those around them. When they laugh, when they get mad, when they get a crush on someone, when someone gets a crush on them, when they say literally anything, it affects everyone else, and some people get either really overexcited or completely despondent over them. —So…why? If he’d left it alone, I would have become the class president and everything would have been settled. Why was he interrupting right now? Especially because Chitose and Hiiragi seemed to get along really well. I mean, just before class, I saw them standing together chatting animatedly about something or other. I guess this was a continuation of their banter or something? But why was he going to the trouble of speaking out against this…? As I sat there in confusion… “You know, Hiiragi…” Chitose continued. —And then… I sat and watched the exchange between the two of them as it heated up, and it seemed like the atmosphere was about to darken. To my surprise, every single word that Chitose spoke seemed to reflect feelings that had been buried deep in my heart. I was surprised by this, by him…which probably just proves that I had my own unconscious biases. Like, how could a guy like him understand how it feels to be swept along and cornered? Then I realized… “Sorry! I said something selfish!” Hiiragi was suddenly gripping my hand. “Oh, it’s okay, I…” As I spoke, my hand stiffened up, and I flicked my gaze around the classroom. I’d been prepared to just accept it, but maybe a part of me was secretly relieved. All of a sudden, a restlessness washed over me. I squared my shoulders, my breaths coming quicker. Right. I was pretending not to see it, but the truth is, I’ve felt this way all along—and much more deeply than I myself even knew. “You too, Uchida.” Seeing me sitting there frozen and mute, Chitose spoke again. “You kinda got dragged into it this time, but next time, at least make a face when you don’t want to do something. Then maybe someone’ll notice, and you won’t get into a bad habit of having to fake a smile all the time.” …Huh? I was just planning to thank him after this. I have no idea why, but this person stuck out their neck for me. Thanks for that, I was going to say. Then I would introduce myself properly, and even though we’d never really be friends, we could get along as classmates going forward, too. But… “—I don’t think you have any right to say such a thing.” Before I knew it, I was glaring at Chitose. The rest of the class was watching as I squirmed with discomfort. I was biting the hand that was trying to help me up. Why am I doing this? I wanted to ask myself. I shouldn’t be making a scene and arguing with him. That was the last thing I’d ever want to do. Especially not with someone who’d been trying to help me. If I wanted to live a quiet, normal high school life, I should really try to stay on good terms with him, of all people. But while I was thinking all that, he shrugged, as if my words didn’t bother him at all. And he said… “Maybe not. My bad.” And then Chitose grinned. I stared at his childish expression. Oh, phew, it didn’t turn into a big deal. I’ll just have to make sure I apologize later. But before I could start thinking anything else rational… I felt anger boiling up inside me. —Oh. I’m mad. I’m pissed! Usually, I never even thought anything like this. Who the hell is this guy? He’s never even spoken to me. He’s never even glanced my way until today. And here he is, pretending like he knows everything. Look at him! His whole life has been a walk in the park, huh?! Yeah, he’s good-looking—not like I’m remotely interested—and sure, he can play sports. He’s always surrounded by friends. Has this guy ever faced a single moment of inconvenience in his life? No. That’s how come he can stand up in front of everyone and speak his mind without worrying about backlash. Biting down on my lip, I scowled at Chitose, who’d moved on from the likes of me and was now putting himself forward for the position of class president. In my usual rational state of mind, I’d have seen that as a gallant act. He’d glossed over my emotional outburst and made me inconspicuous again. But…but… Even that was pissing me off now. With just a few words, he’d trespassed into a tender place inside me. Like the way I’d lived my life until now meant nothing. And his words showed me… …that someone had noticed me. That thought kept rattling around in my head. It made me realize that…I really didn’t like myself all that much. …What did he know about the reasons I had for my fake smiles? I was so mad. I hate people like you. My heart was pounding with burning hot emotion toward another person. And I thought I’d left all that behind a long time ago. I didn’t sleep well that night, so the next morning, I left the house early, rubbing my eyes. The moment I entered the classroom, those words came back to me, and I was irritated all over again. After about half an hour, the classroom began to fill up. Everyone was calling good morning over my head or behind me. No one seemed to remember me from yesterday, thank goodness… “Uchida!” A voice rang out with my name, a voice that reached every corner of the classroom. When I looked toward the door, I saw Hiiragi skipping toward me. She seemed to be worrying about something—I wasn’t sure why, but I gave her a greeting in response. “Good morning, Hiiragi.” “Yeah! Morning, Uchida.” Hiiragi squatted down by my desk and grabbed my hand. “And I’m really sorry about yesterday, okay?” She gazed up at me, concern in her eyes. “It was all a bit of a mess, so I planned to give you a real apology after homeroom, but you left so quickly.” Oh well… That was something unavoidable. I was so agitated and flustered, I ended up dashing out of the classroom when that homeroom finally ended. It was a surprise, though, to see that Hiiragi was still hung up on yesterday, too. I gave her my brightest smile. “Thanks. But it’s really okay. I was a little taken aback, but you nominated me with pure intentions. I know that.” “But I never stopped to consider your feelings. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Really!” As I saw the regret in her face, I suddenly had a thought. For Hiiragi, this was no doubt an insignificant event, something that wouldn’t really stick with her, but she’d taken my hand in the classroom, after the entrance ceremony… “Hey, Uchida! Your speech was super good! These kind of things tend to get sooo boring, but what you said actually got to me!” And complimented me. For some stupid reason, I felt my eyes growing hot and prickly. It might have been unavoidable, but standing up in front of the whole class and delivering the address was awful. I wished I’d been able to say no. But I was the one chosen. So rather than putting together a speech full of trite clichés, I wanted to talk instead about how happy I was to enter Fuji High. About how much I looked forward to high school life, how I hoped that what I had to say might help all the other new students to feel more positive about the upcoming years, too. Up until the night before the speech, I was tying myself in knots. Maybe no one would even listen to me, maybe my hopes for a normal, pleasant high school life wouldn’t touch anyone. So it felt like Hiiragi had given my speech the seal of approval. She really must be an earnest and kind girl, I thought. I squeezed Hiiragi’s hand back as she crouched there gazing at me with worry in her eyes. “Well, let’s have a good year together, okay?” It was clumsy and lacking decorum. Hiiragi was a gorgeous girl, and everyone seemed to love her. No way was she ever going to be a special friend of mine. But it would be nice if we could chat like this, as classmates, every now and then. Hiiragi gave me a big smile and said, “Sure! Well then, can I call you Ucchi?” She sounded so happy. I smiled awkwardly and scratched my cheek. I wasn’t used to getting close to people, especially not like this, so honestly, I wasn’t sure how to respond. “Uh… Um… Well, that might be a little embarrassing.” “Oh, come on! It sounds so cute. Or would you prefer it if I called you Yua?” “Wh-whatever’s easier for you, Hiiragi…” “Ucchi it is, then! Oh, and you can call me whatever you like!” “For now, Hiiragi’s fine…” “Aw, that’s so boring!” “Well… I mean…” Hiiragi beamed—her expression changed moment by moment. Hmm, I thought, narrowing my eyes. How long has it been since I had an interaction like this? When I was in junior high school, everyone called me Uchida, like it was a foregone conclusion, and I only ever called people by their surnames, too. That was when my thoughts were interrupted. “Ah!” Hiiragi stood up and looked to the front of the classroom. “Saku! Good morning!” The name made me stiffen in my seat. Since getting home the day before, I had thought about this over and over. There was no world where I didn’t owe Chitose my thanks after that. Still, just thinking about it made me feel all weird inside. It was the first time I’d felt this strongly toward someone who wasn’t even family. Hey, didn’t Hiiragi call him by his last name yesterday…? “Hiiragi and Uchida. Good morning.” I couldn’t just ignore him now. I lifted my head. Chitose, one hand raised in greeting, walked over with a big yawn. I sighed internally. Look at him, acting all casual. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He didn’t have a thing in the world to worry about. Still, after preaching to Hiiragi about keeping in mind the influence she had…I thought he ought to be more aware about how his words affected others, too. If he’d lectured her while fully aware of his own shortcomings…that would make him a huge jerk. …No, stop it! Why was I being so combative, even in my own mind? I had to thank him properly today. While I was sitting there arguing with myself, Hiiragi spoke. “Hey, Saku! Don’t call me Hiiragi! You make it sound like we’re strangers! Call me Yuuko!” She spoke as casually as if she’d been discussing the homework. I mean… She was the complete opposite of me. I found her request really ballsy… But maybe I was just too old-fashioned? Chitose laughed, rolling his eyes. “You got super mad at me the other day when I called you, ‘Hey, you.’ Now you want to make it more casual?” Right, I thought. Those two were going at it in front of everyone yesterday, even without my involvement. Actually, I didn’t have time to think about this yesterday, but how come Hiiragi ended up as the vice president? Meanwhile, Hiiragi was charging ahead. “Okay, starting today you can call me ‘Hey, you’ if you want! Let’s keep it chill, okay?” “Agh, look…” Chitose looked somewhat confused. He scratched his head, then said, “All righty, Yuuko.” It was like he was admitting defeat of some kind. “Okay! Let’s swap LINE contacts later! Oh, and you too, Ucchi!” “Ah… Okay.” Startled by the sound of my name, I just nodded and went along with it. When I looked at Hiiragi, I felt like a fool for spending last night being mad. I should just say thanks and put this whole matter behind me. It was thanks to Chitose, 100 percent, that the weirdness with Hiiragi was resolved. If just one thing had gone differently, I might not have remembered those sweet words she had for me after the entrance ceremony—or the happiness I felt when she said them to me. Just then, I met Chitose’s eyes. “Morning to you, too, Uchida.” I felt bad he had to repeat himself after I’d neglected to respond to him. I took a deep breath, and… “Um, good morning. I hope you’re having a good day.” I returned the greeting with a little hesitation. Chitose stared at me for a moment, then… “‘I hope you’re having a good day’? What is this, customer service?” And he burst out laughing. Suddenly embarrassed, I lowered my eyes. After a whole night of being confused and extremely aware that I shouldn’t get too close, I was being way too formal. I wanted to melt out of my uniform and into the floor. I decided to push through. “I mean, I don’t know you very well yet.” Just get through this, and we would probably never exchange another word the rest of high school. “Then…” When I looked up, Chitose was still shaking with laughter, hand over his mouth. “Once you let your guard down a bit, at least call me by my name. Saku’s fine, or you can stick with Chitose.” “…” There he goes again. Every single thing about him seemed to be pretentious. Dammit, I was supposed to be thanking him. If I just smiled and said, “Thank you for yesterday,” that would be the end of the story. But…but the thought freaked me out. Next to him, Hiiragi was looking at me curiously. This boy and girl were so different from me. They didn’t have to think over and over about the things that had happened. They laughed and had fun when they wanted to. And even when they butted heads with their peers, they’d just make up. There’s no way either of them would know how it felt trying to be normal. It’s okay. It’s fine. My emotions bubbled up again. A secret little mantra that has sustained me since I was little. It’s been that way for a long time. If no one tries to get to know me—if I prevent anyone from getting to know me—sure, I won’t be very happy. But I won’t have to suffer through the pain of having everything fall apart in front of my eyes. I can get by with a friendly smile, just like I’ve always done. So before I realized it… “—I don’t think I like you very much.” Those words made it through the transparent wall. Huh…? What am I doing? I had no idea why I just said that. I’m not being formal. It’s just that we barely know each other, so I wasn’t sure how to address you. Also…I’m sorry about yesterday. Those are the sort of things I should have said. I’ve never spoken this way to anyone before in my life. “Er… Uh…” Seeing me rushing to fix things… “Yeah, I kinda got that impression.” …Chitose smiled, a little bashfully. …Grr!