“…Why?!” Before I knew it, I was pounding on Kaito’s chest. “Why?! Why did you punch him?!” “Yuuko…” I knew I shouldn’t be saying this right then, but I couldn’t stop the feelings spilling out of me. “How could you do that…? That was a terrible thing to do, Kaito! After that, Saku won’t feel like he can be around us anymore… He won’t be able to come back to us… To any of us!” The warmth through my little finger was so warm… I didn’t know what to do with it. “Ugh… Gah… Ngh!” Kaito didn’t step back or try to grab my hands. He just stood there. “Why didn’t you go after Saku right away?! You’re supposed to be his friend! You didn’t have to come after me! And also… And…” I leaned against his strong chest with both hands, propping my weight against him. My tears fell and disappeared into the dark ground. Then I realized that Kaito’s tightly clenched fists were trembling. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Yuuko.” I lifted my head. “Why?!!!” I kept repeating that same word again. “Why are you apologizing, Kaito? You’re not the bad guy here. You were just lashing out. This was all my fault. So why did you have to…?” “Even if it’s not my fault…I’m sorry,” Kaito said with a gentle smile. “Because of me, you ended up getting hurt even more…” Don’t say that… The boy in front of me was so earnest. This was all because he was angry and worried on my behalf, and even now, he was deeply sad for me. Even though I was saying irrational things, even though he should probably be losing his temper with me, even though he should probably be telling me to pull myself together… Why, then, was he smiling to comfort me? Oh, if only I could have fallen for this boy as my first love instead. I’m sure I could have kept screaming “I love you” without a shred of anxiety, jealousy, or envy. —But. I still wish it was Saku with me now. I guess I really am just a bitch. Here I was, thinking how nice it would be if it was Saku who’d run to comfort me. If I was hurt and crying for a different reason, if the reason I’d run off was something else. If only Saku could be the one hugging me from behind and saying kind words to me. Is it wrong to desire that so much? “I’m sorry, Kaito.” All I could really do was apologize. “I’m sorry for saying such terrible things.” “Heh,” he responded, a brief laugh. “When you feel all torn up inside, it’s best to get it all out, to scream, or punch a pillow or something. I’m glad I came after you, Yuuko, if that means I get to be your punching bag.” His voice was as bright as the clear sky. I was taken aback. “I’m sorry for hitting your chest so many times. I’m sorry for acting like I’m the only one who’s having a hard time. You were hurt, too, Kaito. It must have been terrible.” I should have realized sooner. This guy has been Saku’s best friend since first year. Every day they goofed around together, arms around each other’s shoulders, laughing. “Don’t be a dummy. I’m the basketball club’s star player, I’ll have you know. You can whack me all you want, Yuuko, ’cause your skinny arms…” His empty words failed him midsentence. “…don’t hurt…” I finished his sentence for him. I was desperately suppressing my emotions, trying to speak it into reality. “Kaito… Oh, Kaito…” Burying my face in his warm chest and crying, I prayed. —Hey, Ucchi? Please…please… Please stay by Saku’s side. I’m the worst. The worst of the worst of the worst. I, Yuzuki Nanase, am… After Kaito left the classroom chasing after Yuuko… “We should go home, too. Not much fun with just us,” Mizushino announced. His voice was a little cold, as if he was saying we were all outsiders here. In reality, I suppose we were on the outside. Just bystanders. We really didn’t feel like going straight home, so Haru and I stopped by Higashi Park. My teammate had changed into a T-shirt and shorts and was now single-mindedly practicing her basketball shots under the unreliable glow of the park’s lights. As I sat on the bench and stared blankly at the scene, I cursed myself over and over. I really am just the worst. The scene in the classroom replayed in my mind, again and again. When I realized that Yuuko was going to confess her feelings to Chitose, I was attacked by a deep-blue terror that made me feel cold, like all the blood had drained from my body. Ah yes. I suspected as much. While I was trying to close the distance between us little by little in a casual way, she was… She was jumping straight for the moon. I thought, Oh, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the moment my first love comes to its end. If I’d had to witness Yuuko’s wish come true…would I have to smile and congratulate her? Hold on a minute. What, just like that? That day, when Chitose came to my rescue… Although it’s painful to remember it now, I felt like the heroine of a true love story. It was fate, I thought. My whole life had led me to meet this person. I could dedicate my life to this. I wouldn’t need anything else. So even though a rational part of me thought a day like this would come sooner or later… In the future that I imagined each night, wrapped in my blanket, I was always the one who got chosen. I’d fall in love with the same guy as my friends. Yes, we’d fight about it. We’d get angry, and cry, and make up, but in the end…I’d be with Chitose. It was a totally obvious happy ending. Then together, we’d decide where to go to college. Whether we went to the same college or not, we’d at least have to make sure we were in the same prefecture. After all, long distance is tough. I’d like to go out of the prefecture, but if Chitose wanted, I’d be okay with Fukui University. Realistically speaking, we could opt for Kanazawa or Kyoto—or maybe even push the boat out as far as Osaka or Nagoya? I’d be a little worried about Nishino, out there in Tokyo, but despite his tendency to show off, Chitose is an old-fashioned guy at heart. A sleazy affair would go against his principles. For the same reason, he’d probably refuse the idea of cohabiting at first. We’d live separately for two years. We’d go over to each other’s places, having sleepovers on weekends and lonely nights, but we’d essentially both be living alone. I’d need to get better at cooking so I didn’t seem inferior to Ucchi. When we turned twenty, we’d have a toast together at a bar that’s a little weird, like we are. Sometimes, we’d take a bath together and wash each other’s backs while flirting. I wanted to be smothered in so much love that I’d cry tears of joy in bed… Then, in the spring of our third year, after meeting the parents, the two of us would finally start living together… These might be ridiculous, childish delusions, but I couldn’t help it. No matter how much I try to act above it all, I still can’t see the world without putting myself right in the center. I also don’t like to spend my time imagining scenarios full of gloom and doom, so I keep my fantasies positive. So over time, I gradually fell into believing that my dreams would come true. Maybe it’s the totally baseless feeling of omnipotence that a lot of people tend to have when they’re young. Even so… I was so sure that I…Yuzuki Nanase…could shoot down the moon. And that’s why I felt this way. I was left behind, as a play I’d never seen before unfolded on a stage I hadn’t even set foot on yet. I was standing there helpless, feeling the frustration of watching from the audience. I wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. What was it all for, then? It makes me think of gum with all the taste chewed out of it, spat out onto the side of the road. I should have stolen his lips instead of his cheek. That stubborn boy who’s always acting shallow—I could have been his first. I wasted all this time side-eyeing Nishino and Haru. I knew, even if I made it through the day, either one of them might overtake me at the slightest opportunity. Out on the balcony, that day when Ucchi and Haru were over…I should have dashed back inside and just told him how I felt. All that talk about giving it some serious thought. I should have told Yuuko my feelings when she asked, and then we could have duked it out. A truly kind friend would have hesitated before she made that leap. …Wow, really? I’m such a shallow person. I’m not worthy of him. He’s willing to help anyone in need, and yet here I am. I can’t stand beside him with my head held high. Even if I could go back in time, I’m sure I’d make the same choice. No, that’s a half-baked, self-serving excuse. I was afraid to take the vital step. There’s a tomorrow where I can be loved by the one I love. But isn’t there also a tomorrow where I fail to say what I’m feeling when it matters most? If I weigh up both tomorrows on the balance board, it’s going to slant toward the latter one. Because I wasn’t noble enough to just tell him my feelings. I wanted to raise my chances of success, and then when the moment of truth arrived…I would make a beautiful shot, arcing through the air, dropping through the hoop without so much as a swish… Umi said something like that to me before, right? If I wait for the perfect conditions to make a shot like that, I’ll be too slow to act when it really counts… —Oh God, please give me just a little longer. Give me more time. Thank you, I’m sorry, good morning, good night. Chitose and Saku, I love you, I hate you, I adore you, I’m in love with you. I have so many more words I want to say to him. I don’t want to regret this moment ten years from now. I don’t want that once-in-a-lifetime love to become just a bittersweet memory from a distant day. The feelings in my heart aren’t just summer fireworks. Please, please, please… “I’m sorry, Yuuko. I can’t respond to your feelings in the way you want. There’s another girl in my heart.” So… When I heard those words… My heart soared with hope. My love will not end like this. I looked at Chitose, smiling so earnestly. I looked at Yuuko, gathering the last dregs of her courage to be strong, to laugh playfully. And I envisioned a red thread linking my little finger to his… A little red thread that was as yet unbroken. Chitose said it very clearly. He said he had another girl in his heart. If it’s not Yuuko, then maybe, maybe. —Maybe it just might be…me. I fell into a sweet dream. The feelings of the two players in front of me were set aside. My heart was pounding secretly. However… “…But no.” “If it’s not you, Saku, I don’t want anyone.” Yuuko’s tears were so beautiful. Facing up to her own self, telling the boy she loved how she felt about him. Then, when he didn’t reciprocate, she smiled to make things okay for him… And the words that spilled from her lips were so heartfelt. —What a jerk I am. The moment I realized that, an indescribable sense of guilt surged over me. This very moment, Yuuko was being swallowed up by the despair I’d just seen. There was no way I could understand her sorrow and how it really felt. And right now, there was no way the one I loved wasn’t hurting, too. I’m the worst. The worst of the worst of the worst. Yuzuki Nanase is… In the end, I could only watch in a daze as Ucchi was the one to go running off after Chitose. Rubbing Yuuko’s back as she crumpled to the ground and broke down in tears, I kept repeating the words I’m so sorry over and over again in my mind. What am I doing here? wondered Haru Aomi (that is, me) as I listened to the multitude of shots go bouncing off the rim. I felt like I had to move my body or my heart would be torn apart. So on my way home, I snagged a ball from the clubroom. But today, shot after shot after shot, I just can’t get it through the hoop. With every failed basket, thoughts like failure, miss, and pathetic went through my mind. I started playing basketball when I was in elementary school, and since then I’ve been part of a world that’s all about winning or losing. Of course, there are clear rules. Every game starts with a jump ball, and until the final buzzer sounds, we run around on the same court and compete for points. As for how to win points… We all know which shots are worth one, two, or three. And we all know what constitutes a foul. Every player in the game will fight to win while upholding those agreed-upon conventions. Some things can affect the game—how everyone’s feeling on the specific day, the team’s momentum, whether they took advantage of the game’s flow—but basically, the scoreboard reflects the difference in skill level between teams. So it’s generally pretty clear what you need to do to improve. Maybe you need to get better at shooting. Maybe you lack physical strength, or you run out of stamina in the second half. Maybe your passing needs work. Or perhaps you have an issue with basic tactics. There’s always a chance of success if you put in the right amount of effort, and as long as you don’t stop, you can always get closer to your goal, one step at a time. And I… —I thought love was the same. It’s just a matter of working hard toward a clear goal—dating the guy you like or even getting married one day. If you work harder than anyone else, you’ll be rewarded in the end. All right, so I don’t have a girly personality or appearance, and I’m pretty childish compared to those around me when it comes to beauty and fashion. But that’s like being short in basketball, right? I’m used to competing with a handicap. Many times, I’ve flipped things around to my advantage and won. But despite that… “Wait…” At that moment, I almost cried out. Wait. Just wait, please. We haven’t even lined up before the game and shaken hands yet. The start whistle hasn’t even been blown. Come on. I was hoping to face off against you. Of course Yuuko liked Chitose. We all knew that. She was always saying it. That’s why she would have needed to draw a clear line in the sand if she wanted to call him or chat him up over LINE or invite him to dinner as a potential boyfriend instead of a friend. She and I have been in the same class for the past two years. She said I was cute. She helped me choose that dress, and that swimsuit for the beach. She taught me about fashion and beauty, two things I suck at. She broadened my horizons. Before I knew it, Yuuko had become one of my most irreplaceable friends. I knew I would have to tell her about my feelings: I like Chitose, too, so let’s fight fair and square. I thought that would be the starting line… Hey, Yuuko. It shouldn’t be this way. This isn’t fair. You cheated. You cheated, Yuuko! Yuuko has a lot of things that I lack, as a girl. She has a cute face like an idol, long hair like in a shampoo commercial, a body that looks soft but well-rounded, big boobs, an innocent smile. As for me? I’m still figuring out what love is. It was so great, practicing for Chitose’s big game. It was an amazing excuse to be near him. Even though we’re in different sports, I was still able to be of some help to him. I secretly read books about baseball and memorized the rules. After my own practice, I went alone to the park and tossed baseballs at the wall, just to train myself to be a good partner in our throwing and catching. I also watched a lot of professional baseball games, even major-league games. If Chitose decided to return to the team and aim for Koshien, I was going to be by his side, supporting him better than anyone else. Whenever he was down, I would scold him. Whenever he was tired, I’d give him the push he needed. But he gave a different answer. I don’t think he’s ever going to give up baseball completely. Maybe he’s even considering starting over from scratch in college. I wasn’t planning to question that decision. But I was left hanging… If our connection through the practice sessions ended, what possible pretext would there be now for me to be around him? Will you give me your precious time? How will you approach me? Will you need me? I had no answers to any of those questions. Someone tell me. What does it mean to give it your all in love? I had a vague inkling. I’m not the kind of girl who can color Chitose’s daily life. The only thing I had to offer was a sports connection…and it was only for a short space of time that I was able to close the distance between us. I’d told him how I felt. I’d even kissed him. That was my one and only hand. What cards do I have left now? My body? Who’d want that when Yuuko and Yuzuki are around? Should I grow out my hair? Learn how to do makeup? Be more fashionable? Become more of a girly-girl? Focus on my words and attitude? I could try to be graceful and modest, maybe do something about my lack of sex appeal. If Chitose wanted me to, I could even learn to cook. I could read a lot of books and study hard. What should I offer to grab hold of your heart? …It’s not fair, Yuuko. I gritted my teeth, that one thought repeating. She had the luck to be in Chitose’s class from first year. She’d spent much more time with him than I had, before I even had a chance. That’s why, when the chance to close the distance finally came around, and when I realized I was in love with him…of course, Yuuko was nearby. Hey, what if I was more like you, Yuuko Hiiragi? I can puff up my chest like you and bellow about how much I love him. I can run up to him all innocent whenever I catch a glimpse of him. Chase after him when I spot him in a crowd. Call him on the phone, just because I want to hear his voice. Go to see him, just because I want to be with him. I can do all that. Even without inventing some convenient reason, maybe I could still be a special kind of girl—one who could walk alongside a special kind of guy. I’d never wanted to be like someone else this way. Yuuko… Yuuko has been so far ahead of me since the beginning. Now she was going to deny me the chance to go toe to toe with her? Chitose. I called his name over and over again in my mind. Are you going to say yes, just like that? I told you at the beach. I want you to take notice of me. I want you to see me as girlfriend material. Someday, I’m going to sign up for a match for real. And you said you’d be cool with that. You liar. You liar, you liar, you liar… Just then… I noticed Yuuko’s fingers, clenching her skirt tightly. They were trembling. Trembling, even as she waited for Chitose’s response with a soft smile on her lips. Oh. Oh, I see. —Maybe I’m the one who wasn’t being fair. Actually, I figured this out a while back. There are no set rules in love. Here I am, whining about my own failures, how he and I hadn’t met at the right time. I’m just like one of those weak players who doesn’t try and attributes their opponents’ skills to natural talent. Yuuko has always worked hard on improving herself, looking better, being more feminine. So she was able to jump right in and get on with it as soon as she found a guy she liked. Maybe, that night during summer camp… “Okay, okay, so does anyone have a crush on someone NOW? Because I have a crush on Saku!” That kind girl might have given me a chance. If I’d made up my mind to confess to Chitose and then found the right moment to raise my hand and yell… But no, I had to go and say… “Right now, basketball is my only love!” I was the one who turned away. Meanwhile, I secretly carried on trying to get Chitose to notice me. Even worse, I did tell him how I felt—but I was so casual about it that he wasn’t able to give me a proper response. The truth is…I was terrified. My efforts were wasted in the wrong places. It was an impromptu performance with no rehearsals. A tournament you can never join again once you lose. A first-come, first-served game with no advance warning about your opponent’s score, or the play style, or the start time, or the time limit… I was terrified. Completely terrified. I couldn’t take that first step forward. …You’re amazing, Yuuko. How could you be so straightforward with him in the midst of all this? How could you announce your love for him in front of everyone, knowing it might all be over in a few seconds? How could you bear knowing your crush might call another girl’s name? And if that girl likes Chitose, too… “Sorry, Haru. Thing is, I like Nanase.” Just imagining it was like falling into hell. Chitose and Yuzuki, shooting loaded glances back and forth in the classroom and waiting at the school gate after club activities to see each other back home. Him coming to watch our practice sessions—but only for my teammate. It wouldn’t be me cheering him on at his big game. It would be Yuzuki. But Yuuko knew the risks—and she stood up and took her chance. She was amazing. And strong. And so cool. Meanwhile… —I’m just a coward. Chitose’s answer, Yuuko’s smile and tears—none of it felt like it had to do with me. It’s like watching the finals of a tournament you failed out of a few rounds back. I wasn’t a player on the court, a member of the backup team, a coach, a manager, or even on the cheering squad at the venue. I was just a random spectator, on the other side of the TV screen. Even if I shouted out all my shoulda-woulda-couldas, no one would hear me. So I just watched blankly as Chitose left, wearing a smile I didn’t like at all. Then Ucchi ran off without looking back. And I just stood there, like I was draped in a heavy cloth made of “if onlys.” I wondered if Chitose was back home in his apartment right now. Maybe Ucchi was beside him, gently holding his hand. Everyone has conflicted feelings. Yet we all make choices. I really had no idea. —I had no idea how painful love really is. I was getting tired of chasing these balls around. “Haru.” Yuzuki picked up one off the ground. “Let’s go eat.” The awful scene I’d pictured earlier crossed my mind, and I shook my head to dispel it. Wiping my sweat away with my T-shirt, I smiled weakly. “Katsudon’s the only cure for a time like this, huh?” Yuzuki responded with an uncharacteristically loose smile. “Right.” I took the sports towel she offered and flopped down on the grass. Yuzuki followed suit, and we looked at the sky side by side. There was no sun or moon up there today. We both reached for each other’s hands and squeezed tight. What should I have done? I, Kenta Yamazaki, was walking home, ruminating on that one thought. We all had such a fun four days, chatting about how summer vacation was still a long way from being over… So why did this have to happen? I mean… I don’t know the first thing about this stuff. How could I understand? As far as I can tell, Asano likes Yuuko, but Yuuko likes King. That’s probably why he’s never let anyone know before now. “If the person who could make them happiest is someone else, especially if it’s a close friend, then I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that.” I thought back to a casual conversation I once had. Asano must have figured that if King and Yuuko ended up dating, then it was just one of those things. He would have accepted that future and supported them both. I felt a prickling in my chest. I kinda understood that sentiment. I can’t really call it love, but it’s an immature feeling—maybe something like admiration. I mean… I can’t lie and say I’ve never had similar thoughts. But that feeling is so unrealistic; it’s almost like stanning for the heroine of a light novel or an anime. So… —Somewhere in my heart, I thought it would be nice if she could be happy with the hero at the end of the story. Any way you slice it, that’s the happiest ending. I think everyone can understand that. Everyone can celebrate a good old-fashioned True Ending. “Why wouldn’t you make Yuuko happy?” I almost found myself nodding over what Asano had said. Yes, it was perfectly natural for King and Yuuko to be together. They made a perfect pair, shining bright. But now it felt like that perfect relationship was crumbling right in front of my eyes. King was always so full of confidence, and yet here he was hanging his head and in pain. Yuuko was always so energetic with that big smile, and here she was openly sobbing. Even just thinking about it now made my heart break. It felt so much worse than the incident that caused me to become a recluse. My fingers dug into the front of my shirt, and… “Why are you making that face, Kenta?” Mizushino pulled me out of my thoughts as he walked beside me, pushing his cross bike. After King left, and Uchida ran after him, Yuuko and Asano left, too. Mizushino and I were the next to go, until the only ones in the classroom were Nanase and Aomi. They’d said they were going to stop by their clubroom. While I was changing shoes by the entrance, Mizushino offered to walk home with me, which came as a surprise. “Why…?” I paused for a while. “What you said, Mizushino… Was that how you really feel?” I decided to just go for it, albeit timidly. “What did I say?” Whether he was deliberately dodging the issue or really didn’t know what I meant, Mizushino was acting completely unaffected. “‘…I don’t feel like covering for you, Saku. You saw this coming a mile away, didn’t you?’” “Ah, right.” He chuckled, then continued on with his cool-guy expression. “Of course that’s how I really feel, you know? He keeps playing the hero time after time. Of course girls are going to start thinking about wanting to lay a claim to Saku. Sooner or later, a day like today was inevitable.” I stayed silent. “He’s completely naive,” he said dismissively. “Yeah, but…!” A wave of irritation washed over me, and my voice rose uncharacteristically. I took a deep breath and looked entreatingly at Mizushino. “But does that mean it’s all King’s fault?” When I said it out loud, I finally realized. I…I… I can’t believe King was cast out like some kind of lowlife. I get how Asano feels. And I can appreciate what Mizushino’s saying. But for me—because of who I am and what I’ve been through—I think they’re wrong. Yeah, so King can be meddlesome. He’s pushy, he’s bossy, he puts too much onto his own plate. Naive? Okay. I guess he is. But… —He also saved me. If King wasn’t such a hero, if he didn’t have that savior complex, if he wasn’t utterly incapable of turning his back on someone in trouble—I’d still be locked up in my room. I wouldn’t have even spoken to Yuuko, Uchida, Nanase, Aomi, Mizushino, Asano, or any of them for the rest of our lives, let alone become friends. I would’ve spent this summer at home screaming about how much I hated happy couples living their brainless lives. I wouldn’t be trying to change or improve myself one iota. You’re only young once, and I would have thrown that youth in the garbage without him. And I’m not the only one he helped. Now, I don’t know all the specifics of the situation with Nanase, but… Without King, she might have gone to pieces when she was terrorized by that Yan High guy and that creepy stalker. Aomi might have lost her place in the basketball club. And even Yuuko… “I’d never blame Saku for showing kindness to me.” Ever since that day when she spoke to me through the door, she’d been clear about that. I mean, if he was the totally self-serving type—like, say he only helped out cute girls—then maybe I’d get it. Although, I don’t think it’s a bad thing that someone got help in the end, even if your motives are impure. Just from a moral standpoint. But this was King we were talking about. The first time I met him, I lashed out at him with selfish resentment and bitterness. But he stuck by me and helped someone who could do absolutely nothing for him in return. He even offered me friendship. No. I don’t think this whole situation can be placed on King’s shoulders. No. I don’t. I don’t think…I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here. I clenched my fist and opened my mouth again. “Hey, Mizushino, listen here!” But before I could say anything, he interrupted as if he’d been waiting for his cue. “You know, I think…I think you’re right, Kenta.” “Huh…?” I was caught off guard. “You wanna sit over there for a moment?” Mizushino bought a can of black coffee from the vending machine right in front of him. Then he took out another coin and turned to me. “Pick your poison, Kenta.” “Uh, no, I’ll buy it myself.” “Aw, come on. My treat.” “Uh… Coke, then.” “You’re the boss.” He tossed the can to me, and I caught it with a nod of thanks. We sat down on the edge of the levee. Mizushino pulled the tab on his coffee. “I guess saying ‘Cheers’ would be in poor taste.” So he took a swig without further preamble. I realized I was thirstier than I’d thought, so I chugged my drink as well. “Kenta…” Gazing vaguely at the flowing water, Mizushino spoke again. “Your impression is that Saku’s not at fault here, right?” “Right… But I’m not completely sure…” “Hmm. You’re another person he helped out, right? You’ve been hanging with him awhile, so I guess you’ve been able to get a pretty good read on him by now.” The corners of his mouth twitched, his expression somewhat melancholy. I decided we needed to backtrack for a second. “You said something about not being willing to cover for him.” “I did. I said exactly that. But…,” Mizushino continued, “Well, I also don’t really feel like putting the blame on him, either.” Finally, I understood what Mizushino was saying. Thinking about it, Mizushino’s always the calmest one of the whole group. He’d seen all of this coming, I bet. Heck, I was the last to join, and even I kinda did. “In the hot spring…” Mizushino put down his can of coffee, stretched both arms, and looked up at the night sky. “Remember I said there’s someone I have feelings for?” I nodded, hoping he’d get to the end of this rabbit trail, whatever it was. “Well, it’s Yuzuki.” “Oh, right. I mean… Wait, what?! What?!” So much for the pensive atmosphere. Nanase? And Mizushino? Hmm. But in terms of their stats… They’re both way OP. So it kinda makes sense. But I’d always had this weird impression that Mizushino wouldn’t ever fall for any of the girls in our group. “Are you that surprised?” Mizushino’s shoulders shook, like he was laughing. “Uh… But…but why haven’t you told King or Asano about it?” “Hmm, I think Saku guessed already. Not sure about Kaito. I wonder why I haven’t said it openly, though…” He took another gulp of coffee before speaking again. “It’s weird and random, but I guess I was just seized by the desire to share this pointless emotion with someone.” “I didn’t know you had feelings like that, Mizushino.” To be honest, Mizushino strikes me as someone who’s just hard to read. Even when he’s goofing around with King and Asano, he’s always so cool. Or maybe detached is a better word—viewing things from a step or so away. So it was really a shock for him to suddenly confess something this personal. Mizushino was lying down beside me now as he continued. “Do you remember when I told you about what sparked the whole thing for me?” “—I fell for her when I saw her fall for another guy.” I silently nodded and waited for him to continue. “Well, it was when Saku and Yuzuki were duking it out with that Yanashita guy from Yan High.” I wasn’t there, but I heard the details later. As I recall, Mizushino was tasked with filming the encounter, so we’d have proof that Yanashita dealt the first blow. “You know, I always thought that Yuzuki was more like me. Refined, sophisticated, moving skillfully through the world and getting what we wanted from people. There’s something inside us both that’ll always be cold.” Truthfully, even now, I still have pretty much that exact impression of both Mizushino and Nanase. Of course, I don’t mean it in a bad way; it’s just that the two of them seem more mature than the rest of us. “To be honest, I think that was a fair assessment until then.” Mizushino’s voice sounded somewhat nostalgic and a little sad. “But then she stamped her foot, gnashed her teeth, stared right at this terrifying guy, a kid intimidating enough to scare a grown man… And she yelled: ‘I’m Chitose’s girlfriend! I won’t let you hurt a single hair on his head!’” He chuckled, shaking his head. “She was so noble in that moment. Like a queen. It was incredible. I’d never seen anything so beautiful.” Mizushino’s speech accelerated, as if he couldn’t keep his pent-up emotions inside anymore. “Well, I was heartbroken in that moment. I became a blushing schoolgirl in love. And of course, it wasn’t me who brought out the true beauty inside Yuzuki.” “Yeah…” “After seeing what I saw… I thought, if only Saku hadn’t been the one who reached out to help her. Not that I could ever say as much.” So that’s what he meant when he said he didn’t want to blame King. Mizushino twisted to look up at me. “Well, the rest is history. Any way you slice it…I have no chance of winning. So I stuck a knife in my feelings overnight. Functionally, I’m Team Sakuzuki. And I guess…yeah. I can be cool with that.” “But…,” I muttered doubtfully. “I know how this sounds, and I’m not saying it should be this way, but…but if the two of them don’t work out, then…you’d have a chance with Nanase yourself, wouldn’t you…?” Mizushino looked at me sadly. “Like a certain someone we know, I have my own code for myself. I don’t wanna be the kind of guy who secretly hopes for that.” Then he smiled. There was something pure and refreshing about it. Ah. Right. Asano and I were of the opinion that King and Yuuko would make a happy couple, but life’s full of wishes. Doesn’t mean they’re all gonna come true. “So,” Mizushino continued, “I get why Saku’s conflicted, and I understand Yuuko’s feelings, and I also get why Kaito’s mad. I don’t think any of them are wrong, really.” I suddenly remembered what King had said in my room. “But if it’s someone you actually like and value as a friend who catches feelings and asks you out… Well, it sucks to have to wreck a friendship.” “No matter how handsome you might be, or how good at sports you are, or how high your grades are, or whatever, it doesn’t automatically mean the girl you like is gonna like you back.” At the time, I just took it like, Oh, maybe he’s experienced unrequited love before. Or maybe, he knew that this day would eventually come. What a sad ending, then. I wonder how it could have been done better, though? There’s no way I could understand something that even King himself didn’t. I let out a big sigh and opened my mouth again. “But you know…” There was one thing I still wanted to ask. “Why’d you speak up right then? It sounded like you had an actual grudge… That doesn’t jibe with what you just told me at all. Or was that just my imagination?” Mizushino’s eyes widened in astonishment, and then he scratched his head. “…It was because Yuzuki looked sad,” he muttered softly, looking embarrassed. “…Pfft-ha!” I burst out laughing. That was so not him. “Hey now, Kenta, that’s not nice.” “I’m sorry, but… Hearing you say something like that… Geh-heh-heh!” “Okay, so there’s this wrestling move—do you know the soccer kick?” Mizushino lifted himself up and put his arm around my shoulder. “What?! That’s a headlock!” After we wrestled for a minute, I spoke again. “I wonder how the others are getting along.” Mizushino answered without hesitation, in his usual tone. “Beats me. But knowing them, they’ll probably be all right.” His short response brought to mind various scenarios. I nodded. I wished I could do something to give back. Mulling it over, I drank the rest of my rapidly warming cola. Tap, tap, tap, went the knife on the cutting board. The water was boiling. Clatter, clank, went the dancing pot lid. The familiar and soothing rhythms of cooking were so everyday, so humdrum, that they almost offended the senses. I, Saku Chitose, turned on my Tivoli Audio and set it to randomly play music from my phone, which was connected via Bluetooth. From the speakers, the sound of SUPER BUTTER DOG’s “Sayonara COLOR” began to flow. In the end, I wasn’t able to get rid of Yua, so I ended up going to the supermarket with her and then bringing her back to my place. This everyday ritual, this routine for the last year, was now accompanied by an indescribable sense of guilt that tightened like a vise in my chest. While I’m over here doing this, Yuuko has to be… I wondered if she even got home safe. I wondered if Kotone came to pick her up. What if she was wandering the city alone, at night? I just wanted to know if she was safe. No matter how selfish and cruel it might have been of me, I just wanted to call her and ask her, “Hey, you okay?” But I couldn’t do that. Even so…, I thought. Is it okay for me to be sitting around, casually waiting for a hot meal while she’s out there? Shouldn’t I kick Yua out and wallow? And I should keep wallowing, day after day, until summer vacation is over. …Wow, look at me. Self-pity city. Yua’s right. I would have done exactly as she predicted, if she wasn’t here. I sighed. I just couldn’t make sense of today. How was I supposed to handle a girl when I’d made her cry? If I just went back to ordinary life without spending some time punishing myself first, it would be like the time Yuuko and I spent together, the choice I’d made, meant almost nothing. As I sat on the sofa ruminating… “Saku.” Yua turned around and called from the kitchen. “I’ve filled the bath with hot water, so why don’t you go and take a soak?” Her expression was as calm as ever. Why? I wondered. Over the past year or so, Yuuko and Yua have always been together. Not only at school, but also on days without club activities, and on Saturdays and Sundays. I always get texts with shots of them having fun together. Each time, I’d laugh and think, Wow. They’re really like sisters. This didn’t make sense. Yuuko had broken down in tears in front of her friend. Those tears must have affected Yua deeply. And yet here she was. “Saku?” Yua said again. “Ah, right. Okay, I guess I’ll go get in the bath.” Maybe it was all my fault. Nanase, Haru, Kazuki, Kaito, and Kenta all stuck around with Yuuko. Yua put aside her feelings for her best friend, left the cleanup to the other guys, and chased after me when I ran off alone. Her chest must have been swirling with conflict and regret. But she was acting like her usual self, so as not to make it too obvious. I’m…I’m so pathetic. The least I could do right now is try to avoid causing any further worry for others. I grabbed a towel and a change of clothes and headed for the bathroom. “If the day ever came when I had to make a choice…I decided a long time ago that I would choose the one I liked the most.” For now, I wanted to keep the meaning of those words locked away in the night. I closed the bathroom door and turned the shower handle, and cool water began to rain down from the high hook where the showerhead was attached. I put my hand on the wall and dunked my head under the spray. “…Guh.” At least I kept from sobbing in front of Yua. I had a feeling this day would be coming, in the not too distant future, and I thought I was ready for it. I’d have to confront someone’s feelings, and my own. And I’d have to provide a response. But the world this spoiled brat imagined was much kinder than the one we live in. Let’s all share the pain, little by little. But in the end, we should smile and head toward a new tomorrow. I never imagined I’d ever even cross a point of no return, much less so suddenly, without any time to prepare. Like a sudden crease had appeared in the fabric of reality. My cheek stung where Kaito struck me. It’s certainly not the first time I’ve been rejected by a girl I used to be good friends with. It’s not my first time being hated by people who were my friends the day before. As I told Asuka, I’m tired of cycles of idealization and delusion. And especially when it comes to girls, I’ve tried to build a wall around me made of shallow behavior and arrogance. I always knew the end was coming. Meeting Yuuko shouldn’t have changed any of that. So then why couldn’t I stop crying? Why did this hurt so bad? I felt like I was being crushed from the inside out. It would have been so nice, so easy, if I could say that I liked Yuuko that way, too. I wished I could take it all back and have that be the reality. I could start tomorrow as her boyfriend and walk the usual path home with more nervous fidgeting than usual. We could awkwardly hold hands at the park we always stopped at on the way. If only I could have chosen that future…maybe it would be so much happier. This happened because it got too comfortable for me, being with you. No…it’s because it was so comfortable that I forgot something important. That sooner or later, it would end up like this. When you were someone I couldn’t stand to lose. “Was Yuuko really nothing to you? Was she worth being discarded in ten measly seconds?” “…Of course not.” With a thud, I hit my fist against the bathroom wall. Yuuko, Yua, Nanase, Haru, Kazuki, Kaito, Kenta. The days we spent together were so much fun. That was precious to me. I knew I was coasting on a lot of goodwill, but I kept procrastinating… Just a little longer… Just a little longer… If I could have… I wanted to keep that lukewarm happiness going forever. In fact, I kept wishing for it in my heart. —But. I had no choice but to deal with the fact that Yuuko had confessed to me—and that I had told her no… And I would be dealing with that when tomorrow arrived. I needed to move forward, even just one step at a time. It’d be disrespectful to Yuuko for me to remain so hesitant. If I was going to regret it so much, why did I turn her down? Why didn’t I make it a beginning instead of an ending? I’m sure that, for me, that’s one way of drawing a clear line in the sand. —Even at this stage, I haven’t come to terms with my own feelings. I brushed back my hair, lifted my head high, and relaxed in the water. Like I could wash off these past four days. And I was not to recall the scent of the ocean, in the middle of the night. After soaking in the bath for longer than I usually did, I got up and smelled the sweet-savory scent of ketchup on the air. Looks like I kept her waiting. I quickly blasted my hair with the dryer, then changed into a T-shirt and shorts. I pulled back the curtain of the changing room area. “Did you have a nice bath?” Yua, seated at the dining table, smiled brightly. Ignoring the pang in my heart, I nodded a little. “I mean, I’ve been in some pretty amazing hot springs the past four days.” Now I was bringing it up of my own volition, and I felt the wounds rip open a little more. “Right, but isn’t it kinda reassuring to take a bath in your own tub after a trip?” “Hmm. I think I see what you’re getting at.” She giggled. “It’s like being reminded that you’re really home or something. It’s fun while the trip’s happening, but it’s also kind of draining. Then when it’s over, it feels kinda sad. But then you get that rush of relief over being home and finally relaxing all the way.” “Sorry. I know you should be at home in your own space right now, Yua.” “It’s okay,” Yua said. “This place is like another home.” “…Uh-huh.” I went over to the fridge. “Is barley tea okay?” “Sure!” I filled two cups with ice and then poured from the big plastic bottle of barley tea we got at the supermarket. When I brought it to the table, I found two plates of beautiful yellow omelets over rice there, one on either side. I believe Asuka asked me about omurice once… But I think my preference is for rice with heavy ketchup, wrapped in a thin omelet in the old-fashioned style. “Huh. It’s been a long time since you made this, hasn’t it?” I said. Yua lowered her eyes a little. “It’s kind of a special dish for me.” I was wondering if I should ask her to tell me more, when she tilted her head, looking slightly embarrassed. “It’s my mom’s recipe.” “…I see.” “Mind if I elaborate?” “Of course not, if you want to.” At that, Yua began to talk, her voice tinged with warm nostalgia. “In elementary school, when I got a bad score on a test, or when I had a fight with my friends at school, or when I couldn’t play well at a piano recital…my mom always made this. And she’d draw a little message on it in ketchup.” “That sounds like a nice memory.” Yua giggled, smiling softly. “So even now, when I’m having a hard time, when I’m sad or angry, I have a habit of making omurice to cheer myself up.” “I see. So this is for me.” To cheer me up, I was about to say, but Yua shook her head slightly. Then with a faint smile… “This is for us both. See? It’s the moon tonight.” Ah yes. It’s shaped like a waxing moon, I thought. For some reason, I was relieved that I could catch a glimpse of Yua’s innermost thoughts just from that short exchange. She really is putting on a brave face, I realized. I forced myself to make a joke, hoping to lighten the burden for her a little. “But where’s the ketchup message? Isn’t that the most important part?” The top of the omelet was still bare and clean, while the ketchup sat right next to it. Yua’s eyes widened in surprise, and then her expression relaxed slowly. “You want me to write something?” “Depends what you write.” “Hmm… How about REPENT?” “…That joke’s in poor taste, isn’t it?” Then we both burst out laughing. My heart felt a little lighter, but at the same time, I was sad that I could still smile on a day like this. “You know, Yua…” I took a breath, trying yet again to distract myself from my guilt, but… “…Never mind.” I changed my mind immediately. Because “Why haven’t you questioned me about any of this?” makes it sound like I want to be questioned about it. I can’t keep heaping my burdens on her. Yua placed her hands together and chose not to pry. “Shall we eat?” I followed her lead. “We shall. Thanks.” “Here,” Yua indicated, leaning forward, ketchup bottle in hand. She added a splort of ketchup just to the left of the center of the omelet. It spread out on the white plate, making the whole thing look like one of those picture-perfect wax food replicas from a retro coffee shop. After taking a sip of barley tea, I picked up the matte-blue soup cup with a handle. This was a hearty consommé soup with finely chopped cabbage, carrots, onions, daikon, celery, and bacon. A sprig of dried parsley floated on top. “Thanks,” I murmured again, scooping it up with a spoon. After soaking in the bath, I’d cooled myself down again in the shower before I came out, and the soothing consommé flavor and the sweetness of the vegetables gradually warmed me up again. “…It’s good,” I commented absently, and Yua beamed. “Really? I noticed you didn’t eat any vegetables at all at the buffet or the BBQ. And I figured you’d be able to handle some soup, even if you didn’t have much of an appetite.” “Yeah, it’s delicious. Can I put some pepper on it?” “Seriously, that again?” I scooped up some of the ketchup on the plate with a spoon and then cut into the edge of the omurice. When I put it in my mouth, I got a hit of butter, a fairly comforting flavor. The inside was simple, just chopped chicken and onion. Maybe it was because of what Yua said earlier. But for some reason, the sweet-savory taste of the ketchup reminded me of days gone by. But not when I was a kid. It was here, in this apartment… Ah, come to think of it… The soup cup. The plate. Originally, I had a mishmash of dollar-store plates, but Yuuko complained that they weren’t cute, and that was how we went to choose new tableware together. For my birthday last year, she gave me some loungewear from Gelato Pique. I was a little embarrassed by how nice it was, and I didn’t want to ruin it. I’ve been keeping it neatly in the closet ever since. The coffee cup that I use every day…the multiple sets of chopsticks, even though I live alone…the luncheon mat that I barely use because it’s a hassle…even my hair dryer. This room is filled with things that Yuuko likes. And yet here I am, surrounded by her things, eating comfort food… “…It’s delicious, isn’t it?” The tears spilled out before I could manage to choke them back. Ha-ha. Ridiculous. What, you’re not so devastated that the food has no taste? You’re able to eat omurice? Wow. Once those thoughts started, they didn’t stop. A thin, transparent film started to form on top of the ketchup. Drops of water dripping down my cheeks slipped into the edges of my lips, and I tasted salt on the tip of my tongue. But despite that, I… I kept my head down and shoveled the food into my mouth. The spoon hit the side of the plate with an unsophisticated clang. I was going too fast, and I began to choke.
Chapter 84
46 min read