Chapter 83

CHAPTER 5 A Kaleidoscope Colored with Scattered Tears It would be nice, wouldn’t it, to layer the night over a moonless sky and paint it with the color of sorrow? Having cried all its tears, the weary sunset closed its eyes and dyed the evening with indigo. The afterglow of the summer day still lingered in the shadows, but the darkness wasn’t strong enough to cover the things I didn’t want to see. The familiar sight of the utility poles leading the way to the fateful classroom, the way the streetlights were strung between the stars. The soft light coming from houses awaiting the return of their inhabitants. And the shadows left far in the distance. Far from blurring and blending in, the contours instead stood out vividly against the insipid darkness of the evening. Splash. Sploosh. Splosh. The water churned against the small sluice gate, like dammed-up tears threatening to spill over again. I was still on the ground, and I’d only just uncovered my face. A wet stain was spreading like wings on my black uniform pants. Why does it have to be like this? I thought, as the breeze gently stroked my hunched-over back. I wanted to go deeper. Take me away, to the very darkest depths of midnight, where even the sight of my outstretched fingertips would be swallowed into nothing. Roll me away, to the very end of the darkest blue, too far away to fumble for pathetic excuses. But even if I tried to lock myself away, in a safe place where the sunset could never reach… —Dan, du-la, da… That gentle sound enveloped me, as if reassuring me it wouldn’t let me go. I don’t know how much time passed, but the music of the saxophone eventually ended. I don’t know if it was all one song, or if she’d played several songs continuously, without any gaps of silence. The final note reminded me of a handkerchief being gently offered, and it lingered deep in my ears. I wiped my eyes carefully with the cuffs of my blazer, then straightened my messy bangs with my fingers and took a quiet, deep breath. Once I was finished pulling myself together, I carefully raised my gaze. I hadn’t been able to look at her before out of embarrassment, and guilt, and a sense of being utterly pathetic. Meanwhile, she was facing away from me, as dignified and graceful as ever. The cool night breeze blew, sending the hem of her skirt fluttering just a little. Beneath her wind-puffed school blouse, her back was solemn and still. I couldn’t even be sure if she was breathing. She was so beautiful that I bit my lip. I need to say something now. A lame joke, an obvious show of bravery, or a carefully constructed laugh… Just something. I had to get up, say thank you, and say good-bye. And I would leave this place without a single sigh remaining on the air. I knew that, but then— The strap of her saxophone dug into her shoulder, and I saw the nape of her neck, her sweaty hair stuck to it. And any words I might have said left me. I’d made her bear my burdens. My selfish weakness, my naïveté, my cunning, my sadness, my regret, my mistakes… She shouldn’t be here. Yua Uchida shouldn’t be here, leaving Yuuko Hiiragi to cry alone. But yet she stayed, watching—or watching over me. “Saku.” A familiar voice called my name. Yua turned around. “Let’s walk home together.” Then she broke into a bright smile. …Why? Why was she being like this? I had so many things I wanted to ask, but I didn’t feel like I had the right to, just then. So instead, I found myself making vague ahs and mms. “We’ve got to buy groceries for dinner on the way back. We used up all the meat and stuff before the summer study camp.” Yua kept on talking as she put her sax back in its case. “Any requests for tonight?” She was acting as if it was business as usual, just another night with us two cooking dinner together. “I mean…” Finally, I managed actual words. “I can’t ask you to do that for me anymore.” I gathered the last little bit of my composure to express to her what I meant. “Why not?” Yua asked. She gazed at me, and I could tell she was intentionally sidestepping the subject. Why not? I hung my head, clenching my fists. There could only be one reason. There was really no need to spell it out. I mean, look at what Yua was saying here. The two of us, heading home side by side, having a cozy dinner together the way we always did? On the same night I’d hurt Yuuko so deeply? “You know why not. Don’t make me say it…,” I mumbled without looking up. But Yua wasn’t playing along. “Because you turned down Yuuko’s confession, you mean?” “…” “That doesn’t make much sense to me,” Yua went on. “I mean, if you’d accepted her feelings, I could understand it. It wouldn’t be appropriate to cook dinner with another girl if you had a girlfriend. But…” Her voice was so level, almost indifferent. “But you turned Yuuko down quite clearly, in front of me and everyone else. So there’s no need for you to feel any type of way about what you do with anyone going forward, right?” “Yua…” She was technically correct. If you picked up that high school over there, upended it and shook it around a bit, a dozen or more failed love attempts would spill out. It happened yesterday, too. And today. And it would tomorrow, and the day after that… There’s bound to be another boy, and another girl, and another confession, and another rejection, and another broken heart. Unfortunately, the hands on the clock don’t stop just because someone gets hurt. You might go home, take a shower, eat food that tastes like nothing, cry alone on your bed, toss and turn all night. But nothing about the world changes. It just keeps turning. So all you can do is wash your face, brush your teeth, and start a whole new day. “…I can’t compartmentalize like that,” I said, struggling to fully hide the tremble in my voice. My mouth was dry; my lips stuck to my teeth. This couldn’t be right, could it? How could it feel so bad to be the one rejecting someone else? But though I tried to act strong and brush it all off, it felt like I had a gaping wound in my chest, and my bright-red heart was pumping itself out from the hole. “Unfortunately, dating just one girl goes against my personal principles.” If only I could have acted the player. “We can’t date, but let’s keep on being friends.” If only I could have given her a Band-Aid or sugarcoated it. But the intensity in her eyes… Her words… Her heart… —I knew that if I didn’t give her a decent, straightforward response, I wouldn’t be able to continue being the Saku Chitose that Yuuko had fallen for. “Heh, just kidding.” Yua laughed mischievously. “Whoops, I went kinda mean girl there. I guess I’m a little annoyed with you, Saku. And with Yuuko, too.” She tipped her head to one side, smiling slightly. Give me some credit. It was obvious to me that what Yua just said wasn’t what she really thought. To rephrase, she meant more than what she was saying. But trying to figure that out… Trying to guess why she came after me in the first place… Even us being together right now… “Sorry, I’m really tired right now.” I bowed my head. “Thank you, Yua. I really did appreciate the concert. But I’m okay now.” “—I won’t let you say good-bye,” Yua said with a somewhat reproachful tone. Then, softly and gently, she added, “I don’t want you to have to be alone with those feelings.” Her smile was like a nodding yellow dandelion. Those familiar words made my heart constrict in my chest. For a moment, the image of a sunflower-like smile popped into my head, similar yet different. And I couldn’t help imagining the state of that sunflower now—drooping sadly, pelted by torrential rain. I wished I could run to her. But that wasn’t an option anymore. So at least, please let me be alone… “You might think I’m the last person who has the right to say this, but I feel like this is unfair to Yuuko.” I wanted to be hurt as much as I’d hurt her. Anyway, my summer calendar was already empty and blank. When I was thinking about that… “—Squeeze here, right?” Yua took one step, two steps over to me, then pressed down on the nape of my neck with her slim fingers, as if she was depressing the keys of a saxophone. “Listen, I’m not really in the mood for messing around right now…,” I said, but Yua just chuckled. “Saku…you don’t know anything about Yuuko, do you?” What do you mean? I was about to ask, when Yua continued. “If you go home like this, will you take a proper bath? Will you eat? I’m guessing you won’t sleep well, but will you at least get into bed and close your eyes like a good boy?” She was poking me right where it hurts, and I unintentionally turned my face away. Nope, I couldn’t do any of that. Nor did I intend to. “See?” Yua rolled her eyes. “You’re planning to go home and curl up in the dark, right? Then when morning comes, you’ll sit around with the curtains closed, not caring if you get sick. Nope, I bet you’ll actually be hoping to get sick.” “…” Wow, she read me like a book. No matter how sad I was, it would be a tenth of what Yuuko was feeling. So I deserved to suffer just a little, didn’t I…? And if that mindset led to me getting sick like Yua said, what would that matter? “Saku, do you really think Yuuko would want that to happen?” When I slowly lifted my head to look up, I was met by her piercing gaze. “You think anyone would be happy knowing that the person they love is devastated and in pain? Who’d be like, ‘Yes, yes, suffer for me’?” “Well… I…” No one. I was taken aback. If Yuuko heard that I was a mess, she’d blame herself. Then she’d be in even more pain. …Because that’s the kind of girl she is. I clenched my teeth. Ultimately… Yeah, ultimately, did I just want to punish myself so I could get forgiven a little faster? A shallow display of repentance won’t undo the things I’ve said or the decisions I’ve made. “See?” Yua said, the corners of her eyes softening gently. “Right now, I’ll be with you, Saku.” I took a deep breath and exhaled. Loosening my clenched fists, I said, “I’m sorry. I promise you I won’t do anything stupid.” “Yes, please promise me.” Yua nodded slightly. “So let’s go shopping, then go home.” She lifted her saxophone case. “No, I’m really okay now. I don’t have the energy to cook for myself tonight, but I swear, I’ll eat something.” But Yua shook her head, a hint of something in her smile. “Nope. This is an entirely different matter.” “What do you mean…?” “I’ll do what I want, too. If you really don’t like it, you’re going to have to force me out of the apartment and lock the door.” “…That’s sneaky of you, Yua.” She knew I could never lock her out. I still wasn’t sure why, but it was undeniable that she was with me now. She’d come after me, instead of going to her friend Yuuko. I would indulge in her kindness; then, as soon as I felt better, I’d dismiss her. Normally, there wouldn’t be two choices to make like this, so why today…? Yua turned her back, as if she’d just read my mind. “I just told you, didn’t I? I’m a little bit annoyed right now.” She started walking off, leaving me no way of trying to decipher her meaning. We still hadn’t reached the railroad crossing yet, but I couldn’t let her go alone on a dark street at night, so I quickly scooped up my bag. Pausing, I glanced up at the sky. There were so many stars—and no moon. I prayed. Nanase, Haru, Kazuki, Kenta, or even Kaito. Any of them would do. Someone, please… Stay with Yuuko. I cried and cried and cried and cried, and I couldn’t make it stop. It hurt, and hurt, and hurt, and hurt, and it felt like my heart would burst. “…Guh… Gck… Sob… Choke…” I, Yuuko Hiiragi, continued from the school along the empty backstreets in the direction of my house. I usually have my mother pick me up somewhere in the car, but even though my phone had been buzzing intermittently for a while now, I couldn’t think straight. If I stopped, something vital might snap inside me, and if that happened, I was afraid I’d cause a lot of trouble for people who are equally important. So I kept moving my legs, just to keep myself together. My bag had slipped off my shoulder and was dangling from the crook of my arm, but I didn’t have enough energy to put it back on. The back of my hand was smeared with makeup from rubbing my eyes over and over. “Ugh… Why…? Why…?” How did this happen? Why did I have to tell him? I’d known the answer from the beginning. He had his reasons. And I’d prepared myself. But in the end… In the end… “…Why?” I was filled with regret. I just wanted a do-over. I never thought it would be so hard to see something come to an end like this. I never knew hurting someone you love could be so painful. “See you, everyone. Next semester.” No, wait, Saku, don’t say that. Don’t smile like that, like you’re trying not to cry. Don’t leave me. I don’t want to hear “See you.” I want your usual, warm, crinkled… … Oh. Oh, right. I can’t see that smile, not anymore. Can’t hear him say “See you tomorrow” anymore. Even when school starts again, we can’t go home together. We can’t stop by the park and chat. I can’t call him on a lonely night just to hear his voice. I can’t force him to go on dates on weekends. Can’t make him a bento lunch and watch him eat it. Can’t invite him over to the house. Can’t ever tell him how much I love him… I can’t do any of it anymore. That’s what it means to fail in love. “There’s another girl in my heart.” From now on… I won’t be the one laughing beside Saku, or the one making him laugh. I won’t be the one supporting him and comforting him when he’s having a hard time. It won’t be me pushing him to be better. It won’t be me holding his hand. It won’t be me he looks at. It won’t be me who’s the special one in his life. —It won’t be me. It’ll be some other girl. “Ugh… Ucchi…” I uttered the name of my precious best friend; I couldn’t take this anymore. Hey. Could you come now? I want you to listen to me talk, I want you to hug me tightly, I want you to smile gently like you always do, I want you to call me Yuuko. But…but… When Saku left the classroom, no one could speak or move. I just stared absentmindedly at the door the person I loved had passed through alone. About half a minute passed… —Tap. I heard someone taking a step. I glanced over in confusion, just in time to see Ucchi grabbing her bag off her desk. Through my tears, we made eye contact. For just a moment, Ucchi’s face distorted as if she was going to cry. Then she scrunched up her forehead, ran past me, and disappeared through the same door. She didn’t even look back. My knees trembled as I almost found myself running after her. I couldn’t go with her. …Yes, Ucchi was the same. She’d made a choice, as well. No, I’m sure she’d already made up her mind a long time ago—that she would be by Saku’s side. All of a sudden, I found myself crouched on the ground. Yuzuki, Haru, and Kaito came rushing over to me in concern. Kenta hovered worriedly, and Kazuki just sat at his desk with an unreadable expression. But I couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t hear anything, not a thing. Because…because…because… “Waaaaahhhhh!!!” Both my best friend, who I held dearest to my heart, and the person I loved had disappeared at the same time. “…Guh.” The way I felt in that moment came back to me vividly, and a sense of pitch-black, muddy despair seemed to well up from the ground below me. The happy days I’d spent with everyone—with Saku, with Ucchi, with the others… Our relationships, that I’d loved from the bottom of my heart… All the wonderful memories forged over those past four days… I broke it all. I ruined everything. The weight of it was enough to crush my mind. After Saku was so sweet, too. He was saying thank you, how fun it was to spend time together. His smile was so innocent. The toe of my loafer suddenly caught on the curb, and I almost fell to my knees. “Yuuko!” I heard someone call my name. A rugged and powerful hand grabbed my shoulder from behind and supported me. I slowly turned around, and… “Kaito…” I grasped his shirt tightly. After Saku and Ucchi had left the classroom, Yuzuki looked at me as I crouched there unable to stop crying. “I’ll take you home,” she said. Beside her, Haru looked right into my eyes and nodded solemnly. “Sob… Sorry… I’m sorry…” If I stayed around others in this state, I’d only make everything worse. So instead I twisted away from Yuzuki’s hand as she gently rubbed my back, and I dashed out of the classroom. ““““Yuuko!”””” The sound of them calling my name resonated inside so much it hurt, but I ran and ran and ran to the exit. But even after I’d gotten a good ways away from the school, footsteps began to follow me from behind. They eventually caught up and came to a stop beside me. “Um… Here.” He handed me a blue sports towel. “It’s one I haven’t used, so…” “…Kaito, I’m fine now. Please, leave me alone.” “No!” He clenched his teeth and gazed at the ground, but the resolve was clear in his voice. “I won’t talk to you. I’ll just walk along beside you. Can you let me do that much?” “But—but… It’s my fault you ended up…” “Don’t worry about things like that. I’ve been thinking for a while now that I’d kick his ass, if I ever got the opportunity. Besides, if I just leave you in this state, Yuuko, I can assure you it’s Saku who’ll be giving me a punch next time.” He forced a grin, and I slowly nodded. …He’s always been following along beside me, ready to support me when I stumble…