Chapter 79

CHAPTER FOUR An Evening Lake The last day of the summer study camp had arrived. Nothing else much happened after that. We worked hard from morning until night, and the four-day camp came to an end. I thought it would last forever, but the ending was surprisingly anticlimactic. I think, in that way, it was like summer vacation itself. It was around five PM. We’d changed into our uniforms and left the hotel, and now we were chugging along on the bus back to Fuji High. Yuuko was sitting beside me. At first, I’d been sitting next to Kaito, but Yuuko was like, “Switch!” and forced him to move. We’d all stayed up late last night having fun, maybe because it was the last night. Yuuko closed her eyes as soon as the bus engine started running, and before long she was leaning against my shoulder. The scent of her shampoo was different from the one in the hotel. It tickled me, but I didn’t want to wake her, so I tried to sit still. Her hand was on my thigh. In her dreaming, she was gripping the material of my pants tight in her fist, then releasing, over and over again. Every now and then, her fingers twitched. When I looked around, the others were also sleeping comfortably. I stared out aimlessly at the passing scenery. The days already elapsed since the beginning of summer vacation seemed to be reflected in the glittering surface of the ocean. The date with Asuka, going grocery shopping with Yua, hanging out with Nanase and Haru, going to the fireworks with everyone, and of course these past four days. It’s weird, I thought. We’re not young men and women anymore, but we still have our treasure maps—filling them in, from the edges inward. Yuuko, Yua, Nanase, Haru, Kazuki, Kaito, Kenta, and Asuka. —From the next day onward, with these friends, with all of us together… Gradually, my eyelids became heavy, too. I started to sway, nodding off, leaning against Yuuko. The sound of the waves lingered in my ears, surrounding me. I felt like someone was softly holding my hand as we walked together, the softness of the sandy beach beneath our feet. And I felt like that hand was trembling slightly. “Saku? Saku!” I awoke to my shoulder being shaken, Yuuko rolling her eyes and grinning at me. Oh, what a relief, I thought in my half asleep state. “Hmph, I’ve been calling you for ages. You wouldn’t wake up.” “Oh, sorry. What happened?” “What happened? We’ve arrived back at school.” When I looked out the window, I saw the familiar school building. Most of the students had already gotten off the bus and gotten their luggage from the driver. “You must be really tired, Saku.” “Maybe. I feel like I was dreaming.” “What kind of dream?” “More stuff at the beach with y’all. It was so much fun, after all.” When I said that, Yuuko pursed her lips tightly for just a moment. Then she spoke as if nothing had happened. “All right, stop thinking about my bikini and just get off the bus already!” “All right.” When I got off the bus, everyone else who had already finished getting ready to go home was waiting for us. Yuuko and I grabbed our luggage, too. Kura, standing a way off, shouted out. “The school’s open until seven PM, so if you have anything you need to do in the classroom, please finish it up by then. All right, disperse. You must be tired after the past four days.” “““Thank you!””” Voices rose in the air all around. “Well, then,” I said, stretching out. “Shall we head home, too?” “Oh!” It was Yuuko who shouted. “I’m sorry. I have something to do in the classroom, but I don’t want to go home alone after that, so if you don’t mind, would you all stay back with me?” We all made eye contact and smiled at one another. “All right, I don’t mind.” The others nodded. “Really?! Thank you!” I don’t think we all wanted to say good-bye just yet. Just a little longer, just a little more. I wanted to immerse myself in the afterglow of these four days of fun. I was sure we’d see each other all the time during the summer vacation anyway, but still. Our footsteps echoed happily as we dashed toward the school’s side door. When I entered the classroom, I was enveloped by the smell full of memories. The old floors and desks, blackboards stacked in the corners with the date of the closing ceremony and the names of the people on duty still written on them, lockers that were a little dusty. I hadn’t been here for about two weeks, and the atmosphere was somewhat cold and strange. The others seemed to feel the same way, and instead of sitting down in their own seats, they milled around, restless. “You know…” Yuuko was the first to speak. “In summer vacation, the classroom feels the same but also like a completely different place, doesn’t it? Like, I know this is my desk, but…” Speaking happily, she plunked her bag down on her desk. Somehow the awkwardness disappeared, and everyone followed suit. Nanase responded to Yuuko. “Yeah. It feels like coming back to a school you already graduated from, kinda?” “Yeah, yeah! It’s been four months since Yuzuki and Haru joined our class! Hasn’t the time flown? Or has it been a long time? I’m not sure which one’s right!” Her black hair swayed as she chuckled. “It feels like it’s been longer than it has been, maybe?” “Yes, that!” Haru, who was sitting perched on the desk, smiled. “Now that you mention it, it feels like we’ve been hanging out as a group together for a long time now.” Yuuko replied happily. “Yeah! I feel it, too.” “Maybe because these four months have been filled with so much.” “They have! Jam-packed!” Nanase’s expression grew soft. “I… I feel it, too.” Yua, who’d been watching silently, mumbled in agreement. “We talked a lot during the last four days, too, haven’t we?” “Right?” the four girls said, exchanging looks imbued with deep meaning. Somehow, it looks like the distance between them had closed even more after the summer study camp. “So then,” Nanase said. “What was it that you needed in the classroom, Yuuko?” “Ah, that’s right! Well, I just wanted a place for us all to decompress together!” Yuuko clomped up to the podium in her usual bouncy manner. “All right, everyone, can I have your attention? Eyes on me!” She raised her right hand. “—I am about to express my feelings to Saku!” She said it so bluntly. A burst of laughter escaped me, and I got up from the desk I was sitting on. I started toward the podium, getting ready to joke my way out of the situation, as usual. I looked down at my feet. My school slippers were pretty dusty. Should I take them home and wash them? And what was Yuuko doing anyway? She always… But the classroom was silent. What? Come on, we’re supposed to be laughing now, right? Nanase’s supposed to say, “Are you serious right now?” and Haru’s supposed to roll her eyes and say, “You’ve gotta be kidding! I’m starving, let’s go to Hachiban’s.” Then Yua’s supposed to say, “Come on, guys. Let’s at least hear her out.” Like that. It’s such a familiar scene. I’ve seen it play out so many times before. So let’s all lighten up a little, okay? I mean, it’s starting to seem like… I lifted my head slowly, terrified, wanting to run out of the room, but I had to see for myself, and… Then, at a glance, I understood. With her hands folded in front of her, she gripped her skirt tightly, opened her mouth and smiled softly, and stared straight at me. She was completely and totally serious. Oh, it’s a real confession. But…why? The thoughts flashed through my mind, indistinct. I knew this moment was going to come eventually. Ever since that day, somewhere in my heart, I was prepared. But why…? Why do it now? Why do it here? Why do it in front of everyone, when we’re supposed to be wrapping up our summer vacation? This was a time for joking together, filled with fun memories, then next year we’d have fireworks at the same place again, and next year we’d all go to the beach again. “—I want to remember you as you are today. Once this day’s over, I’ll never again be able to encounter this exact version of you.” Was that what she meant? Was she bracing for this all along? It doesn’t make sense. Does it, Yuuko? “Hey, Saku?” Her gentle voice was like a response to my heart’s confused whispers. “Do you remember the homeroom where we decided on the class president, in first year?” Time wouldn’t stop. Nor would Yuuko. I clenched my fists and bit my lips, just barely opening my mouth. “…You cried like a baby.” At first, I thought she was kind of an airhead. I mean, that face of hers made her look like a princess, but she acted like she was a normal girl, and that pretense-free act of hers seemed dangerous. Honestly, I never planned to get close to her. But Kazuki knew her through sports clubs, and she was friendly with Kaito, too, so I ended up getting involved with her due to my friendship with those two jerks. And at the time, she avoided me, too. When I made her cry in homeroom, I was convinced she hated me. Her attitude toward me sure had changed since that day. Yuuko nodded, still smiling her gentle smile. “Then do you remember what you said to me?” “Huh…?” What did I say, again? It’s not like I’m being particularly humble or anything, but I don’t remember saying anything special. The only thing that left a strong impression on me was that after Yuuko, Yua, and I had our altercation, Yuuko had suddenly burst into tears. Seeing my reaction, Yuuko gave a smile clouded over with sadness. My chest constricted. I didn’t want Yuuko to make a face like that. “I see. Right. But…” She took a deep breath, smiled again, and… “—That was the moment I fell for you, Saku.” She’d spoken the words from which there’d be no coming back. “…Mm.” She’d expressed her feelings countless times. But this was the first time I’d been given an actual reason. That was it? Way back then? Just a few days after entering school, the thing that had made us friends…had been the thing that made her fall for me? It was like… Like my head was spinning, my breath shallow. Since way back, the only girls who’ve approached me are girls who have fantasies grounded in nothing, who’ve left when disillusionment sets in. And I didn’t really care, either way. So whenever it happened… I was just waiting to see how many weeks went by before they changed their minds. But with Yuuko, no matter how roughly I tried to treat her, she just kept hitting me with ridiculous jokes, flirting with me, and treating me like some untrustworthy player. …How many times had we repeated that same dance? “You’ll figure it out somehow, Saku.” “Saku’s willing to stick with you to the end.” “The true heroes are the ones who are never quite sure how good they are.” “You’re my hero, after all.” All those things she said, without hesitation. Her words warmed me, tickled me, made me happy, but they’d also always scared me, too. …Why? Why did she like me? Why did she have such faith in me? Why did she treat me like a hero? Why did she put me on a pedestal like that? Now those feelings are even stronger. Because… —It wasn’t anything I’d done. It was just like…love at first sight. Yuuko continued quietly, as if walking through her memories. “Ever since then, I’ve been watching you, Saku. Because you allowed me to be by your side. Because you petted me when I was wagging my tail and snuggling up to you. I was happy just to call your name. I was even happier when you called me. I was happy when you complimented me. I was even happier when you criticized me. I fell asleep thinking of you, and when I woke up in the morning, your smile was the first thing that came to my mind. When our hands touch, my heart pounds, and when I smell you up close, I get dizzy.” That’s… That’s… I feel the same, of course. Every morning, the sight of Yuuko in the classroom is soothing to me, somehow. No matter how many people hated me, I felt like that smile would never disappear. I loved taking detours with her and chatting in the park. There was nothing contrived there. I didn’t really mind her asking for my opinions on the clothes she tried on during shopping trips. I wanted her to show me different sides to her. Her occasional calls, which seemed to come just when I needed them, helped me get through the lonely nights. Thank you, I thought. Yuuko’s voice was as gentle as rain. “Actually, I was a little worried about whether this would be okay. But when I faced up to my feelings, I realized I had the answer from the beginning. The feelings I started having that day grew more and more, and before I knew it, it was like a bouquet that was so big, I couldn’t even hold it in my hands… I think I can say it with pride, after all.” Please, I’m begging you. Wait. Yuuko, please wait. I also decided to face up to this properly. After this trip is over, when we get home, we still have summer vacation left. Please don’t leave me. Don’t come up with the answer all on your own first. I just need a little longer… Just a little more time… Why like this? Her gaze, so steady, so innocent, unswaying. “Hey, I don’t think I was wrong about my feelings at all.” That gaze, directed at me. “So you know,” Yuuko said… She took a deep breath, exhaled. I always loved Yuuko’s voice. It’s like a fully inflated jet balloon—bright, lively, light, colorful, always bouncing and skipping up and down. Yuuko’s good morning was always the best start to the day. Every time she called, “Saku!” from far away, I rolled my eyes, but I never once complained. Even when I was depressed after quitting baseball, it seemed like every day I was getting a shot of pure energy from her. But I didn’t want to hear that voice now. I’m begging you, I’m begging you, don’t say anything else… Like the final fireworks explosion, that huge blooming chrysanthemum flower… “I like you, Saku. I love you. And I want to be special to you.” A wide smile bloomed on her face. The setting sun shining through the window drew a beautiful triangle on the blackboard. “Wait…” Haru, who was about to say something, bit her lip, looked down, and clenched her fists in desperate self-control. I heard it. We all heard it. I heard Yuuko’s words…her feelings. …And now I had to provide some sort of response. Dull pain flared in my chest. I couldn’t breathe; it was like my heart was being crushed in a vise. I yanked on my tie, loosening it. My heart hurt like hell, and I was consumed with sadness, regret, anguish, fear. What was happening to me? “I’m so glad she’s got someone like you around, Chitose. That really reassures me. Even more so after having a straight talk with you.” “I’ll be around as long as I’m wanted.” I wondered if Yuuko had talked to Kotone about this. I wondered if she’d smiled and encouraged Yuuko to go for it. Depending on my response, would Kotone kick herself in regret for encouraging the daughter she’d raised with such care, or would she sink into sadness? Was I going to be the one to ruin that happy family scene I’d melted so easily into? I looked at my friends’ faces. “I wanted to watch the fireworks, just us two.” Nanase looked away, her lips a tight line. “…I don’t want you to just laugh it off!!!” Haru looked worried, and like she was about to burst into tears. “Then, next time, I’ll wear a yukata, so let’s go to the festival together, okay?” Yua was just quietly watching me and Yuuko. “—I’m glad I came.” I imagined Asuka’s smile, though she wasn’t here. “—I mean, who knows, if someone here gets a girlfriend or a boyfriend, we might not all be able to get together like this again next year.” Kazuki gazed out the window with zero emotion in his eyes. “Well, I kinda get it.” Kaito was smiling, with an expectant look on his face. Looking at Kenta’s puzzled face, I suddenly remembered. —There’s a weight limit for what you can carry on your back. If you carry everyone you meet on your back, one day the first and most important one might roll off. I know. I became aware of that, long ago. This is all self-inflicted. Bump. Bump. My heartbeat was so loud. I wished it would just stop. I kept opening my mouth, then clamping it shut again. I gripped the hem of my blazer so hard it almost tore, trying to stop my trembling legs from breaking for the door. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I don’t want to answer yes or no. Everything would change. Everything would be over. Next year’s fireworks, the camp, this summer vacation, and the days ahead would all revert to a blank, empty slate. “You know… I have one request.” Yuuko said… “—Saku, I want you to always be the Saku I’ve come to love.” Then suddenly, everything went silent in my mind. All I could hear was Yuuko’s voice, that day. Ah. Yeah. You always encourage me like that. I don’t know what the correct answer is. There’s no way for me to know what kind of hero Saku Chitose is viewed as. But, just like the days we’ve spent together… I had to believe I could be the me that Yuuko fell for. I’d tell her straight. No lies, just my true feelings. I stared straight back at Yuuko. I like you for your innocence, the way you treat everyone fairly. I like your long hair, and the artful hairstyles you do. I like your beautiful nails that are always manicured. I like your changeable voice, your expressions. I like your cheerful smile. I like your big boobs, too. So with all those feelings in mind… “I’m sorry. I can’t respond to your feelings in the way you want, Yuuko. There’s another girl in my heart.” I tried my best and gave her a big smile. Because, this girl in front of me… I wanted it to stay like this forever between us. I wanted that, because we were friends. After a short silence, Yuuko smiled. “Figures!” She put her hands behind her head and continued in a bright tone. “I was prepared, but I guess it’s a no, huh? You wouldn’t choose a girl just because the opportunity came along. I just wanted to become your endgame wife for real already, but no biggie. Welp, starting tomorrow, I’ll have to find a new boy to fall in love with again.” With a nonchalant face, she grabbed her stuff and started walking toward the front door. “Too bad, too bad, see ya tomorrow! ” It was like she was humming. Like she was off on a casual shopping trip. But in front of the door, her feet came to a sudden stop. With a thud, her bag hit the floor. Her small shoulders quivered; both fists were clenched. “…But, no.” She looked back, saying: “If it’s not you, Saku, I don’t want anyone.” She was trying to smile through her tears, her features distorted. —SMACK. First, a dull sound echoed through my head, and then suddenly, I was lying on the floor, my desk overturned. Eraser shavings were strewed about in front of me, and the legs of overturned chairs were clustered with clumps of dust. A few seconds later, my left cheek burned bright red. “You jerk, Saku!” When I heard the scream, I thought, Yeah… I’m sorry.