Chapter 119

CHAPTER 3 Our Rightful Places Monday, the start of the week. When final homeroom was done, my classmates and I quickly pushed our chairs back. Preparations for the school festival play were underway in earnest. Nazuna was in the center, barking out instructions. I tapped her on the shoulder. “Sorry for bothering you when you seem so busy, but is there anything I can help you with?” We practiced hard on the weekend, so the cheerleading squad was able to sit this one out. Yua, Asuka, and Kenta seemed especially tired. But we’d made a week’s worth of progress in our training camp, so they could take a day off easily enough. Nazuna put her hands together, looking apologetic. “The script’s giving us some trouble. We can’t really even start practicing yet.” “It’s cool,” I said, shaking my head. “That’s fine. The way you set everything up, it really helped the cheer squad get ahead.” Nazuna looked relieved. “That’s good, then. Oh, hey, carry that over to the podium!” “Okay,” said the student Nazuna had just called out to, looking pleased. Nazuna turned her gaze back to me. “Sorry, it’s a bit hectic right now.” I chuckled. “It looks like you’ve got it all under control.” In fact, Nazuna seemed to be taking the lead and keeping the class working together well. I was worried it’d be too much work, but she was proving to be much more efficient an operator than I’d thought. Nazuna suddenly gave me an impish grin. “Surprised, aren’t you?” “I mean, you can’t blame anyone for thinking you’re the kind of person who’d say something like, ‘The school festival? Super boring!’” I teased. “Hey! That’s mean!” “I was worried the class would get all tense, and then we’d have a bunch of conflicts. Then you’d be all, ‘Why is everyone losing their minds over this dumb festival anyway?!’ and run out of the classroom screaming and tear your costume off. Then you’d have to come back with your tail between your legs because you made a commitment after all, and…” “What are you talking about? I’m not that terrible!” The two of us looked at each other and burst out laughing. After a minute, Nazuna continued. “If there was anyone else halfway capable around, I never would’ve volunteered. I’m as excited about the festival as anyone. Leaving it all to you and the others would leave a bad taste in my mouth.” I smiled. “Thanks, Nazuna.” Nazuna tilted her head exaggeratedly and looked askance at me. “Aha! Did you just swoon over me a tiny bit?” I lifted one corner of my mouth. “Yeah, I almost fell in love with you.” “Ah-ha-ha,” Nazuna laughed. “I’m not one of those clingy girls like Yuuko or Yuzuki.” “Careful. I’ll tell them you said that.” “Don’t. They’ve got swords.” “You’re just realizing this now?” We looked at each other again and shared another laugh. “All jokes aside,” Nazuna said. “About the script…when I started working on it, I realized rewriting Snow White was more difficult than I’d expected.” I thought for a second before replying. “Well, if you think about it, the heroine is basically asleep the whole time.” “Yeah, but we can’t get rid of the poison apple stuff, can we?” “Snow White is all about the magic mirror and the poison apple.” Nazuna shrugged with frustration. “Anyway, I think you should just focus on the cheer squad for now. But if you or your gang has any good ideas, be sure to come let me know.” “Okay. I’ll pass along the message.” “Yeah, and use the LINE group to communicate for now.” I looked around at the lively, bustling classroom. “Can I help you with carrying stuff or doing heavy lifting or anything?” Nazuna raised an eyebrow. “That’s fine, let Atomu handle that. Your crew’s like our flagship production. You should really get rest whenever you can.” “Okay. Well, I’ll check in again before I head out.” “Yep, yep. See you tomorrow, Chitose!” I raised a hand to say good-bye to Nazuna, and just then, I spotted Atomu carrying a massive plywood board into the classroom. “Wow, you’re really putting in the work.” I wandered over to say hey, and he gave me a look of intense displeasure. “Tch, she wouldn’t shut up, so…” He was indicating Nazuna with his eyes. I smirked. “You like to be dominated, then, do you?” “C’mere where I can hit you and try saying that again!” Taking advantage of the fact that Atomu had his hands full, I carried on. “If you insist on using such vulgar language, I’ll tell Nazuna on you.” “All right, you’re dead!” “Whoa, watch out!” Don’t swing that huge board around here. What’s more, he checked his surroundings before targeting me, specifically. “Anyway,” I said, trying to change tack. “Can I help you with anything?” “Ha, who wants your help?” “Well, there’s no need to be mean about it.” “If you have that much free time, go home and swing a bat, why don’t you?” “Aw, so concerned about my swing. Wittle Saku is all fwustered.” “Dealing with you is making my job ten times harder!” Well, if he insisted. “Okay, I can see I’m just in the way here.” As I was about to leave— “Hey!” Atomu yelled out to me. “How’s it going with the cheer squad?” That was an unexpected question. I chuckled wryly. “Look forward to it. I’ll show you a really cool performance.” Atomu snorted softly. “If you’re going to do it, then just don’t bore me.” “Hmm…so you’re the type who needs a happily-ever-after ending, are you?” …Pwhoosh. I dodged the board that came swinging full-force at my head and slipped out of the classroom. As I walked through the school building toward the entrance, I found that the whole school was in a festive mood. For example, everyone had one or two more buttons undone on their shirts than usual. Skirts seemed tugged up a little shorter, hair was decorated with colorful accessories, and some were even showing off the class T-shirts that they’d already finished decorating… The whole place was alive with the feeling of celebration. There were signs still being painted, the sweet smell of pancakes wafting from one of the classrooms, and a group of five students practicing a cappella in the corridor. In the parking lot, which I could see from the windows, various projects were under construction, and it all appeared to be progressing smoothly. The brass band practicing on the floor above was playing familiar, crowd-pleasing hits, a stark change from their usual classical music. I wondered how Yua’s saxophone playing was going these days. At this rate, I doubt she’d be making much progress. I suddenly remembered the brass band that came to the baseball tournament when I was in junior high school. When your team makes it to the top four, they play music to support you when you’re batting. Each player had a different theme song, and when I was up to bat, it was Whiteberry’s “Natsu Matsuri (Summer Festival).” I remember it was all so exciting, like watching a professional game or the Koshien tournament on TV. I changed my shoes at the entrance, losing myself in nostalgic memories. At some point, I’d regained the ability to reminisce about baseball without feeling bad. Last year was a blur for me, but this was what the prep period for a school festival was supposed to be like. An extraordinary place where the past, present, and future intertwine. That pre-festival anticipation feeling that seems to last forever and be over in an instant. They say the most fun part of a trip is planning it, and the same goes for school festivals. The off-campus festival. The sports festival. And the cultural festival. Almost two months of prep for just three days of the real thing. Everyone running around, trying to make sure everything goes perfectly. Once the day arrives, it’ll be over before we know it. So I think ten years from now, these prep days are what we’ll look back on most fondly. I probably won’t remember much about the school festival, the sports festival, the cultural festival, but I’ll remember this time I spent with my friends. It’s not about pulling off the performance on the day, getting the audience excited, or attaining a high score. …It’s not about that at all. It’s the training camp at Yuuko’s house. Ucchi’s delicious cooking. The park at night. Everyone in their pajamas. The next day when Chitose and Kureha slept way later than everyone else. The way our muscles were so sore, we could barely lift our arms. Remind me again. What songs were playing back then? Heh. Like that. I lifted my face, the sound of my Stan Smiths smacking against the ground as I walked. I wanted to cherish it all as much as I could. I wanted to take mental snapshots of everything, even the insignificant things that the passage of time tends to wash out of your memory. Thinking about that, I headed out the school entrance, and… “Senpai!” Kureha pushed off from the pillar she’d been leaning against and came running over with a flutter of excitement. I was a little taken aback. “What, was track team practice canceled or something?” Kureha clutched the straps of her backpack. “Yep!” Somehow, I doubted we were just running into each other. “Hey, were you waiting for me?” “Yep, yep!” Yep this, yep that. I smiled a little. “So, uh… Why, exactly?” Kureha answered honestly without any embarrassment. “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to practice our pair dance again before the whole group practices together.” “Ahhh…” I got it then. Everyone had learned the choreography by now, but it was down to Kureha and me to demonstrate to the larger group. Kureha was pretty much perfect already, but she still seemed a little nervous. “Well then, let’s stop by the park on the way home and practice.” “Yep, yep! Thanks!” For now, we walked side by side along the usual riverbank. The cheerleading squad was free today, so none of us had our bikes. Incidentally, Kureha’s house was in my direction, too. As we approached the sluice gate, Kureha went, “Oh,” like something had just occurred to her. “Senpai, why don’t we practice over there?” As she spoke, she pointed to the spot where I’d usually chat with Asuka. Before I could reply, Kureha continued. “You talk with Asuka there, don’t you, Senpai? You two always make such a nice picture, I’ve thought!” Oh yeah, I thought. If this is along Kureha’s route to school, she must have seen us here before. I scratched my cheek, a touch embarrassed. “Still, it’s a bit narrow there. We put one foot wrong, and we could fall into the river.” Maybe I was overthinking things again, but considering that it was the spot where Asuka and I had our chats…I couldn’t help hesitating. With the exception of the evening when Yua chased after me, I’ve never sat in that place with anyone other than Asuka. Perhaps reading what I was thinking from my expression, Kureha seemed to get a little more subdued. “…Oh, sorry.” She gripped her sleeves with her fingers, and her face was apologetic. “I thought if we hung out here, we might run into Asuka.” Kureha lifted her head, suddenly forcing a smile. “Should we go to a park or something, then, Senpai?” Uh-oh, I thought, feeling guilty. Now I’d gone and made my junior feel uncomfortable again. Although what Kureha was saying made sense. If we practiced here, we probably would encounter Asuka. It’d be easier to say okay if I saw it as Kureha wanting to see her cool senior. Also, I was kinda worried that Asuka might be in pain. She wasn’t used to all this dance practice. All right, I thought, shaking off my doubts. “Let’s practice here and wait for Asuka.” Kureha’s face lit up, and she grinned from ear to ear. “Yay!” We went down to the middle of the embankment. It was still too early in the day to call it dusk, but the sun was beginning to set. The breeze blowing across the water’s surface was growing cooler and cooler each day, steadily ushering in fall. We put our backpacks down side by side, and Kureha set the music playing from her phone’s speaker. Splosh. There was a splash on the water somewhere. Then silence. Cars, people, cats, crows… All the sounds that meant time was passing suddenly ceased. A void like the gap between seasons opened up. “Hey, Senpai?” Kureha held out her hand and smiled softly. The mature expression on her face was somewhat unnerving. “Let’s start here.” I realized I’d been captivated, holding my breath. I glanced up at the embankment, at the students walking past… Like I was checking to make sure that time was still flowing. “It’s embarrassing with so many people around, and—” Kureha took my hand gently, cutting off my offhand response. With shining eyes, she spoke in a voice that seemed to caress my ears. “If they’re watching, why don’t we put on a show?” Then she took a step closer, almost like an invitation. I, Asuka Nishino, was feeling light in spirit but heavy in body as I stood in front of the shoe cubbies. When was the last time I had muscle pains this bad? I wondered. I could barely get out of bed this morning. It was so funny, I almost had to laugh. Almost a shame there was no practice today. I’m sure that was out of consideration for me, Yua, and Yamazaki, but I feel like I could have handled another practice already. While thinking about that, I reached for my shoes in the top cubby. “Nng!” I yelped through clenched teeth. …Um, sorry. Pretend you didn’t hear that. I rubbed my right arm, wincing. Yeah, I couldn’t exactly practice in this condition. I wondered if you went right home and started swinging that baseball bat again, friend. Heh. The sporty ones are something else, I thought. Carefully, I reached for and removed my shoes from the cubby, put them on, and left school. Yesterday, I was with everyone, but today I’m alone. Still, starting tomorrow, I could return to the group. I silently giggled, covering my mouth. When I thought back on that short yet long two-day training camp, I couldn’t help but smile. Of course I was happy I could be with you, but what made me happiest of all was that I was able to share an unforgettable time with Aomi, Yua, and the rest. At last, my name had been added to your story. I looked up at the sky. I think I understood why Saku was having so much trouble making up his mind. You were all trying not to hurt one another, respecting each other’s spaces without neglecting your own. I’d realized something, talking to Yua. She’d been walking the riverbed path to school for the past year at least, too. When you and I were chatting, she never once came to interrupt. Maybe she just felt awkward about it. But after my chat with her, it made sense. She’s a kindhearted girl, and I was certain she was actually respecting “our” place and “our” time. A thought that once crossed my mind came back to me in a slightly different form. The more we reach for, the more we touch, the more we want to take. I mean…can’t we all just stay like this? Do we really need to reach a conclusion as boys and as girls? I mean, I know we’re just delaying the inevitable. Maybe it’s selfish—a fear of being hurt, maybe. No matter how painful it may be, someday a decision will have to be made. In my case, I have to make some kind of choice within the next six months. But for just a little longer, at least until this school festival is over… …I want to be one of the gang. Deep in thought about that, I reached the riverbed path. I couldn’t help but hold on to a vague hope that maybe, just maybe… …I might meet you today. Saku’s the kind of guy who’s always looking out for others. He had to be worried about me, since I’m not exactly the sporty type. But he has trouble being honest. He might make a joke out of it. “Did you manage to dress yourself without help this morning?” he might say. “Did you manage to get through the ticket gate without throwing out your back?” …Something like that. Sure, I could pout, like I always do. Or… Or if I looked at you with the honesty I had back on that summer’s day, and asked you, maybe you would… “Huh?” Maybe…you would have helped me…with the partner dance… There was a loud thud as my bag fell to my feet. Suddenly, I lost all sensation from the knees down, and I had to put my hands out to catch myself against the guardrail of the bridge. Thump. No… Why…? I blinked repeatedly, unable to accept what I was seeing. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. I knew what I was seeing. But my heart wouldn’t stop pounding. My breathing was shallow, and my chest was tight… I was increasingly aware of my body’s reaction. My heart was thundering away. Why…? Why there? Why were you dancing with Nozomi in our place…? They were like a pair made of moonlight and darkness, overlapping, right next to each other… Were you walking all over our special place? I clutched my chest. Who was this girl? I couldn’t see her face from here. But the one holding Saku’s hand was definitely not the innocent junior girl I thought I knew. That expression, those eyes, that body. She was a woman, radiating an aura of sex appeal. For some reason, in that moment… Please don’t take him, I cried out silently, like a desperate strangled prayer. It felt like she was leading you away somewhere unfamiliar, before we were even aware it was happening. Sakubou—the word formed when you put their names side by side. The day of the full moon, and the day of the new moon. As I watched the two of them dancing gracefully, the word suddenly pierced my heart. Like the phases of the moon, waxing and waning… It was as if the time we’d spent together, the words we’d exchanged, and even the tears we’d shed were all suddenly rushing together. Then Nozomi noticed me and stopped dancing, waving her hand wildly in the air. “Asuka!!!” The chilling, bewitching seductiveness vanished like an illusion, and suddenly, she was once again an innocent junior girl I’d spent the past two days with. Right. I was just imagining things. Disaster hadn’t occurred, at least not yet. I guess…I guess I was just tired. I picked up my bag and walked down to join them, waving slightly. Thump, thump, thump, thump. Nozomi laughed happily. “Senpai and I were waiting for you, Asuka!” Oh, right. What was I doing, standing here all solemn and stone-faced? You looked a little embarrassed. “Kureha said she wanted to practice the pair dance a bit more. And we thought if we practiced here, we could run into you.” Yeah…I thought I might see you again, today. I’m glad you feel the same way. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. Nozomi seemed excited. “This place feels so nice!” She started walking toward me, her feet sinking into the ground… Squidge, squidge, squidge. “Hey, Asuka? Is it cool if I come hang out here after school with you guys from now on?” “…No.” Who was talking? Was it me? “No, it’s not!!!” Before I even realized it was me speaking, I’d started shouting, my voice strained and nearly cracking, my fists clenched. ““Huh…?”” I could see the confusion on your face, and on Nozomi’s. “Oh…” What…? What am I doing? Saku’s and Nozomi’s faces fell. No… Wait… I didn’t mean that… Saku bit his lip, and his expression made me think of a scolded child. “Sorry, Asuka. We didn’t mean—” Nozomi stepped forward, bowing her head low, cutting Saku off. Then she spoke, and it was clear she was trying hard to keep her voice steady. “Asuka, I’m so sorry. I got carried away. I knew this was a special place for the two of you.” Please don’t apologize like that… Just now, that wasn’t really me… Nozomi continued, her head bowed. “But don’t blame him. I’m the one who insisted. I basically gave him no choice. So if you’re going to blame someone, it should be me.” I couldn’t breathe… I couldn’t think… My heart wouldn’t stop thundering. How do you breathe normally, again? I needed to say the right thing. Apologize for my mistake, try to lighten the mood with a carefree remark… Just like you always do… Saku’s voice was raspy and tight. “You’ve got it wrong. I wasn’t ignoring your feelings, Asuka. It’s just that—” I couldn’t bear to see how sad you were… “…I’m sorry!” I interrupted him, mid-sentence. “I swear, I’ll apologize properly to you both tomorrow! But for now… Please… Just pretend this never happened!” I flung myself into a bow, then straightened up and ran for it. “Asuka!” “Asuka!” This is horrible. This is awful. I ignored their cries, my thoughts spiraling. I was so naive, thinking about how I wanted us to avoid coming to conclusions… Thinking about how I wanted things to stay like this, just a little while longer… I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my face. Instead, I ran, hoping the wind alone would dry them. Am I not, after all, a woman hopelessly in love? How shameful, getting jealous like that and hurting an innocent first-year. I’m not fit to be a senior. That place doesn’t belong to us. It’s just a riverbank where anyone can sit and relax. What the heck was I thinking? It’s not my special place, reserved for me alone. I don’t have one. Gah. Ack. My lungs were screaming for oxygen. It hurts. It’s unbearable. I’m so angry! I want to evaporate like a mirage. I’m never going to be anything more than this, am I? …Even though I wanted to be “your” Asuka.