How am I supposed to tell you that being held by you is my greatest happiness? I’m so grateful to you for making me realize that being loved beyond doubt is what makes me who I am.
Being scolded would’ve been easier. But facing such unchanging love hurt so much more. I must be the one with the monster in my heart…
“I want to be Cecilia Cline Herbst for the rest of my life, but you’ve suffered so much because of me. I’ve hurt so many people. The beastmen, the wyrms, the marshal’s disappearance… It’s all because of the sin of my past life!”
The pain in my chest burst forth once I said it out loud.
And the more I spoke, the more outrageous it all seemed, and even more, the deaths weighed unbearably on my shoulders. The guilt of simply existing wrenched my lips into a bitter smile.
“I don’t care about my so-called mate from a past life. I only love you! Love doesn’t need fortunes or destinies, but I think it’s awful to use that to punish people! But they don’t care about that. They just wave around the name of the goddess and use it to hurt everyone you care for! They want to take you away from me!”
My tears wouldn’t stop. They ran down the chains and soaked into my nightgown.
I gasped, overwhelmed, and then suddenly the chains vanished. Lucas caught my crumpling body in silence.
He drew me close and planted a kiss on the crown of my head, and my eyes shut on their own.
“So I thought if I became the Saint and went down to the Depths to atone, maybe they’d leave you alone. Because… I couldn’t bear it if you were the one leaving me behind again.”
I’m sorry for being weak. For being useless. For being such a burden. And for being so happy that you still choose to love me, even when I can’t stop.
I swallowed a sob and heaved a raspy breath.
At last, he broke the silence.
“So what I’m hearing is past me didn’t love you hard enough.” He tipped his head, scowling a little as he said it, and I just froze.
Where in the world did he get that from?
“Th-that’s not it at all.”
“But based on your story, you were in love with me, right? You had some foretold love, but I was your soulmate, so I won.”
“Basically, yes…”
It wasn’t about winning or losing, though. And even though he was way too quick to accept this whole past life memories thing, his smug little face was too cute, so I couldn’t help but agree. He was still the king of his own world, through and through.
“But because I was weak and stupid in my past life, I died first and left you behind. And now you’re afraid of being punished and thinking about leaving me. That means I didn’t love you enough.”
“Th-that’s not true! You weren’t weak! You loved me, just like you do now… And you swore you’d be reborn for me! That’s why I think I was able to be born as a human in this life. Otherwise, even if we’d met again, it would’ve been hard for us to marry.”
“Hmm. So that means your sins after reincarnation are wiped clean. Also… Wait, you weren’t human?” Lucas twirled a lock of hair around his finger, pondering what I was saying.
“You mean you’re not bothered by the fact that I remember a past life?” I blurted out.
“Not at all.”
“Not at all?! I mean, I was a dragon!”
How is he calm?! I was a divine beast, a target to be slain!
“A dragon? Then maybe I was a Hero in my past life, too. In that case, it wouldn’t be strange if we met and fell in love. It was destiny, after all.”
He pressed a kiss on my forehead as if he hadn’t just uttered such an outrageous line. I just stared at him in shock.
Now there’s a thought that never would have struck me! No wait, that’s not the point!
“Th-this is weird!”
“What is?”
It wasn’t that he didn’t love me enough. If anything, it was too much. So much that I didn’t deserve it.
And if I let myself drown in it like this, I’d never be able to breathe without it again. Just the thought of being rejected and being called a liar terrified me.
“Because… Because why do you trust me so much?” I just wanted a reason. Something to hang onto. Lucas looked surprised and answered without even hesitating. Just full of love.
“Because I fell in love with you, and you love me. That’s all that matters. You became Cecilia Cline Herbst. That’s enough for me. I don’t care if you were a dragon or anything about past lives. I’ve got my Cece right in front of me, crying and telling me she doesn’t want to be apart from me. What is there for me to doubt?”
He didn’t look smug or conflicted. He said it as if it were a plain fact, and it cut straight to my heart.
That’s why the words I’d been so afraid of admitting finally came out.
“You don’t think I’m just using it as an excuse? Since I hurt the marshal? You don’t hate me? You haven’t decided you don’t want me anymore? That you going to throw me away?” My voice cracked.
Saying it out loud felt like stabbing my own heart.
I clutched my chest, soaked with tears, and Lucas pulled my hand away, pressing it against his chest instead. I stared, spellbound, at his beautiful golden eyes.
“I’d never do that, not even if I died. And if you’ll be clinging to something, Cece, you should be clinging onto me.”
And with that, he forced me to grip his shirt, and I shook my head through my sobs, trying to explain my fear.
“Because if you die, if I lost you too, I wouldn’t know what to do…” I sobbed.