CHAPTER 4 How to Defeat a Demon General 1 “I hear the Chosen One’s party opened a path to the Demon Lord’s fortress using the treasure from the Tower of Duster. That means our enemies have to take the Chosen One seriously. All we need to do is hole up in the castle and defend it until the Chosen One takes out the Demon Lord.” “So it’s a question of who succeeds first. The Demon Lord or the Chosen One.” Alice and I are chatting leisurely as we clean and maintain our equipment, until our conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door. “Hey, Six, are you there?” Snow sounds as ornery as ever. “I’m here, but I don’t feel like dealing with you right now.” “Wow, I think I would have preferred if you’d just made up an excuse like last time! …Ah, maintaining your weapons?” Snow turns her gaze toward the table, her eyes lingering on my knife. I had been in the middle of sharpening it when Snow barged in. “…S-say, Six, do you mind if I take a look at that knife? Ever since I caught a glimpse of it, I’ve wanted to get a better look. It seems like quite the piece.” “…Sure, but you better not run off with it.” I offer Snow the knife handle first. “This is quite the blade… Is it engraved? If not, do you mind if I do the honors? I wonder where it was made… H-hey, let go! I’m not done looking! You know, I can finish sharpening her for you if you want… Annh!” Snow’s got that dangerous look in her eyes again, and she starts nuzzling my knife. I can’t let that continue. I reach over and take the knife back, ignoring Snow’s dejected whining. “Are you gonna tell us why you’re here, or did you just come to try to steal my knife?” “R-right. It was just such a beautiful piece that I guess I lost my head for a bit… Um, the general’s calling. He wants to see us in the conference room. It looks like he’s got an assignment for us.” With Snow taking the lead, I make my way to the conference room. As I enter the chamber, my heart sinks a little—the only ones in attendance are two grumpy, old geezers: the general and his chief of staff. The general gestures for me to take a seat. “Sir Six, thank you for coming. You have, to date, put up quite an impressive list of accomplishments. But most notable is the fact that you are still alive despite your recent encounters with the Elite Four.” “Yeah, I guess all that would be impressive by your standards.” “You insolent—!” The chief of staff scolds me, frowning at my complete lack of modesty or manners. Why am I here again? The general appears to struggle with the proper words to broach the subject. Snow, however, has no such reservations and cuts to the heart of the matter with her usual brusqueness. “Perhaps his lordship has a mission for us?” The general responds to Snow’s prompt with a solemn nod. “Indeed, that’s correct. From here on out, we would like your detachment to…handle major opponents like the Elite Four.” “With pleasure!!” “Whoa, easy there! Just who died and made you commander?!” I try to rein in Snow, who’s now champing at the bit for another chance at glory. “Think for once, you brainless worm. An assignment this prestigious doesn’t come around often. We’re considered equal to the task of handling the enemy’s leadership. That, of course, means more opportunities for glory. And that means rewards to match!” I find myself admiring how true Snow is to her desires. I carefully consider how to convince her that this assignment isn’t worth the paper it’s scribbled on when the chief of staff launches into grandiloquent praise. “Lady Snow is correct. Sir Six is among the kingdom’s greatest heroes. He has faced down Heine of the Flames as well as Gadalkand of the Earth. He has even done battle with Gil the Mighty and Rista the Clever and lived to tell the tale. No other has ever survived as many encounters with such opponents. If he is not worthy to face them, who in our kingdom is?” The old man trails off with a heavy sigh, slumping his shoulders. Ah, that bit of grandstanding definitely clears up a few things. “…Let me guess, old man. You’re the one who pushed this proposal onto the general.” “S-Six! D-don’t call him that! His lordship is the second most influential member of…” Contrary to my expectations, it’s the general rather than oldie who responds, speaking right over Snow and cutting her lecture off at the knees. “That is correct. His lordship, the chief of staff, has a very high opinion of you, Sir Six. He insists you are the only one capable of taking on the leadership of the Demon Lord’s Army.” “Oh?” I can’t say I mind the compliment, no matter how excessive, but there’s something about the chief of staff’s way-too-polite smile that I don’t trust. My time at Kisaragi put me in contact with all sorts of corrupt bastards in power. All of them interested in a single thing, protecting the flow of goodies into their pockets. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but the old man seems just as greasy as those guys. I mentally move the chief of staff a few notches higher on my list of potential threats. “Sir Six, our kingdom desperately needs a hero of your ability. If you feel you need more forces at your disposal, we can swap out the demon-blooded abomination and dark god–worshipping cultist in your unit for proper knights. We’ll even promote you from a squadron commander to a company commander. Will you accept?” As he makes the pitch, the old man lowers his head in a deep bow, exposing his balding scalp to me. A few days later. Having formally received our mission, an excessively spritely Snow starts barking orders to the unit. “Listen up! We’ve been given the honor of facing the enemy leadership! Failure is not an option! Everyone, stay sharp!” “Hey, you’re still not the commander.” The knights are assembled in formation on a ridge a few miles away from the castle. Our unit’s been placed in the very center of the formation. I’m told a detachment of the Demon Lord’s Army has invaded this area. There aren’t a lot of them, but they’re led by Heine of the Flames, one of the Elite Four. And of course, the task of taking on Heine falls on…… “I, Snow, will take on Heine of the Flames, pillar of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four! Her head is mine!” …our unit, of course. “Six, can’t you do something about that woman? When she’s excited, she reaches new levels of obnoxious.” As an android, Alice isn’t supposed to have any emotions, yet she shoots a look at the giddy Snow that’s equal parts weariness and irritation. “Don’t waste your breath; it’s pointless. Everyone, listen up. If we run into the enemy, do what you need to do but don’t take any unnecessary risks. No point in getting hurt on a mission like this.” Unfortunately, Snow catches my remarks, directing a dangerous glare my way and stalking toward me with a vein bulging in her forehead. “Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?! This is an important mission entrusted to us by the general and chief of staff!” “Right, the chief of staff. I don’t like him. He’s shady as hell, I just know it. He’s definitely the sort of self-serving bastard that’ll do whatever it takes to ensure he comes out ahead.” Snow’s expression slackens in shock, and her grip on my collar relaxes. “A-are you serious? Are you sure you’re not talking about yourself?” “Six, ever heard of a mirror? It’s the shiny object that shows you your own face.” “Boss, have you ever heard of a weapon called a boomerang?” …Okay, so maybe the chief of staff isn’t the only person I hate. Seriously, you guys suck. Standing back and watching the rest of the squad trash-talk me, Snow huffs, putting her hands on her hips. “Regardless! I won’t force you to fight if you don’t want to! Just don’t get in my way like you did the last time we ran into that woman!” Oh, I see. It looks like Snow’s still salty about the fact that Heine of the Flames didn’t even give her the time of day after I showed up last time. “Hey, Six, what’s with the look? Heh-heh, have you noticed anything different about me today? I’ve brought along the perfect weapon to deal with Heine of the Flames. Take a look!” Snow draws a sword with a sleek, blue blade from its sheath. The air around it chills immediately, and it’s cloaked in a white mist. “Iceberg the Frost Blade! It’s a brand-new sword I had tailor-made for fighting Heine of the Flames. I just had to take out a three-year loan to get it. Grimm, this time we’ll make good use of your abilities, too! Hey! Wake up!” Snow seems really eager to try out her new sword and attempts to shake Grimm awake. Somehow the archbishop is fast asleep in her wheelchair, napping while hugging her knees to her chest. “…Hey, Alice, what’s your take on all this?” “By ‘all this,’ do you mean the fact that we’ve been sent on a suicide mission?” Standing atop the ridge, I glance off into the distance and catch a glimpse of the Demon Lord’s Army. “So you noticed it, too. Yep, that old fart’s trying to get us all killed. I mean, yeah, he almost broke into tears when I tore apart his tactics from that one battle, but I didn’t actually make him cry. Why would he want me dead?” “I think that’s reason enough to want you dead. I think he also considers you an eyesore. This entire unit is made up of rejects they’re looking to get rid of. Ignoring our methods for a moment, we’ve produced really impressive results. But to them, we probably just look like a bunch of rejects that are hogging all the glory. I can’t really blame them for wanting us gone.” Damn. And I’ve even been on my best behavior this whole time. If I wanted to piss everyone off, I could’ve thought of a million better ways to do it… Thinking back on it, the old fart said some pretty messed-up things about Rose and Grimm, too. “Wake the hell up already! Grimm! Gri— Ah.” “Ahhh!!” Snow and Rose sure are getting worked up over there. I wonder what they’re up to. “Anyway, once we see the enemy leadership, we’ll make a show of fighting before beating a quick retreat. I’m still in the process of waxing my shotgun, so I won’t even have a weapon today.” “At least bring something. If the shotgun breaks, I can just get you a new one. But whatever. We can just let it play out. Boobzilla over there isn’t completely unreasonable.” “Miss Snow, Grimm made a weird noise when she landed. And her neck, the angle…” “Wh-what should we do…? J-just put her back in the wheelchair for now! Gah! Oh, crap, her eyes rolled back…” I approach the pair exchanging urgent whispers near the wheelchair… “Hey, Snow, wake Grimm up, will you? …Why are you two carrying her anyway?” “It’s nothing!” “At all!” Snow and Rose jump in surprise while carrying Grimm. “…? All right, well, it looks like the main force is starting to move. It’s time for us to get going, too.” The Demon Lord’s Army stands defiantly in front of us. In the middle of this huge collection of demons is the brown, buxom beauty herself, wearing a skimpy outfit and a cocky smile. Standing next to her is her griffin as well as… “…Looks like Heine and her griffin brought a friend. The hell is that thing?” “…Th-that’s a golem. They’re automatons carved out of tough boulders and animated by magic.” Snow seems very intimidated by its presence. I can understand why. The golem stands well over two meters in height, is carved out of massive stone, and probably weighs a few tons. Come to think of it, it pretty much looks like a budget version of Gadalkand. “Magic again? Looks like you can do just about anything with magic. I would really like to do more research into how physics work on this planet. Six, if we run into any incapacitated enemy casters, pick one up for me.” “I mean, I’m curious about magic, too, but just to be clear, we’re only supposed to fight Heine, right? The other units are going to handle the griffin and the golem?” The commanders around me speak up as if catching the tail end of my conversation with Alice. “Sir Six! Leave the group of high orcs around Heine of the Flames to us!” “My squadron will take care of that mighty band of ogres! They might be tough, but we’ll take them off your hands!” “We’ll take advantage of our speed and go after the ranged enemy units!” All squads aside from ours hurry into the fray. “Great. Whole new planet, new kingdom, and I still draw the short straw! Snow! Get Grimm up! We’ll have her put an especially nasty curse on Heine!” “I-I’ll leave waking up Grimm to someone else! I need to get my revenge on that woman with this frost blade!” The fool, completely ignoring my orders, rushes toward Heine with her sword drawn. “H-hey, Boss? Can I go fight the griffin? I’m curious to see what griffin meat tastes like, and I’d like to try flying. I bet I can do it if I eat enough griffin meat! Need to fulfill Grandpa’s dying wish, after all!” Rose, you too? Dammit, fools all around me! I watch Rose dash off toward the griffin, then turn my head to look at Alice. “Leave the task of waking Grimm to me. You can just go ahead and focus on…” As if in response to Alice’s remark, the golem begins advancing toward me, giving a growl that sounds like boulders being ground together. 2 “Heine of the Flames, pillar of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four! My name is Snow! Face the wrath of my sword, Iceberg the Frost Blade!” “So you’ve come at last, Snow or whatever your name is! Bring it on! Heine of the Flames, pillar of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four, shall face you!” The two armies clash in the center of the ridge where we’re positioned. A short distance away, Heine and Snow face off in a scene worthy of a movie poster. “Dammit, it’s no good! I mean, I half expected this, but bullets won’t scratch that thing! Alice! Hurry up and wake Grimm, will you?” Despite its bulk, the golem moves with surprising agility, closing the distance after my shots bounce harmlessly off its hide. “Hey, Six, Grimm’s not just asleep, she’s out cold. She won’t be waking up anytime soon.” “Every damn time! Every damn time we need her, she’s either asleep or dead! She has yet to do anything useful! Seriously, what the hell?!” I’m starting to think there was a pretty good reason behind putting Grimm in the reject club. “Guess there’s no other choice. Six, buy me some time. I’ll order some C-4.” “Whatever, just hurry!” I yell at Alice, boosting the strength assist setting on my power armor as high as it’ll go. I glance around the battlefield for help and notice Snow weaving her way through Heine’s fireballs to close the distance. “SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” The high-pitched scream catches my attention, and I glance up. In the skies above, Rose digs her nails into the griffin’s flank, biting down on the beast’s neck as it tries desperately to shake her off. Both of them are a little too busy to offer me any support, which means… “Okay, I put the request in! Six, just hold on a bit longer!” I feel more than hear the heavy footfalls of the golem as it stands in front of me. Behind me is Grimm, slumped over and dead to the world, and an unarmed Alice waiting for the shipment of C-4. Sure, this isn’t the best situation to be in, but for the first time in a long while, I feel a bit of excitement at the challenge. I’m Agent 6, longest surviving Combat Agent and survivor of countless battles against Heroes! “Come on, you worthless lump! I’ll show you what Kisaragi power armor can do!” I jump toward the golem, putting all my weight and passion behind my punch! “……EEEEEOWWWWWWW!! Alice, it’s broken! My arm is broken!” And all I get for the shattered bones in my arm is a crack in the golem’s chest. All that excitement and drive? Gone in a little over two seconds. “You wouldn’t be able to scream about it if the bones were actually broken. Calm down, your bones are fine.” “That makes no sense!! You’re a Lilith creation, all right! Your logic’s almost as flawed as hers!” Yelling at Alice, I duck under the golem’s grasp, circle around it, and land a kick square on its back. But the golem barely seems to notice that it was kicked, turning to face me and lunging with both arms outstretched. I lock my fingers with the golem’s, hoping to buy a little time by forcing a contest of strength. “Hey, Alice, is it me or are the Supreme Leaders taking longer than usual? The hell is going on over there?!” Alice ponders for a moment, then claps her fist down on her hand in realization. “My internal chronometer reads 1514 hours. They should be having their scheduled teatime right now.” “Goddammit!” I drop to one knee as the golem gains the upper hand. How the hell is this golem stronger than I am in my power armor? Isn’t this supposed to be an underdeveloped world with primitive technology? This is where I’m supposed to start a glorious new chapter of my life! Putting all that aside for a moment, what the hell are they doing back on Earth? What kind of evil organization just breaks for tea in the middle of the afternoon? I redouble my efforts, fighting back a sense of impending doom as the golem looms over me. As I brace myself against the boulder bearing down on me, I let out a hoarse cry. “Release Restraints!” Alice turns sharply at my scream of defiance. “Have you lost your mind?! Cancel that order! The golem’s not the only thing you’re fighting, genius! Heine will roast you alive during your cooldown period!” In addition to Alice, a familiar voice in my head chimes in. <Preparing to release power armor safety restraints. Proceed?> Ignoring Alice’s warning, I hurriedly yell out my reply. “Yes, proceed! Hurry!” <With restraints disengaged, the power armor will require a three-minute cooldown period for every one min—> “Yeah, I know! I accept all the risks, dammit!” <Releasing safety restraints. To cancel, please issue cancellation order at any point during the countdown. Ten…nine…eight…> “Hurry! The hell! Up! I can’t hold this thing back forever!” The golem is on the verge of crushing me like a bug, when suddenly… Something falls out of the sky and slams into the golem. The impact knocks the golem sufficiently off-balance, and I’m able to catch my breath. A few moments later, the griffin lands a little distance away with a loud thud, smoldering and smelling faintly of charred feathers. Looks like Rose torched it from point-blank. The griffin writhes on the ground in pain, but Rose seems unfazed by the fall, standing up and dusting herself off. “Yuck! Boss, that thing tastes gross! I won’t be able to eat enough of it to absorb its flying ability. But maybe if I cook it…” I admit I’m a little impressed that she’s already gotten a taste of it. As I’m admiring Rose’s dedication to her stomach— <Restraints released.> —The announcement I’ve been waiting for rings in my head. “Wroaaaaaaaah!!” With the true potential of my power armor unleashed, I slowly turn the tables on the golem. “Huh…? Wha…? B-boss?!” Rose stands there watching in muted amazement as the multiton golem begins to lift off the ground. “Six, the C-4’s here! Just give me a second to stick it on the golem.” The golem starts kicking its legs against the empty air. Alice approaches with her package of C-4, sticking the plastic explosive onto the golem and molding it into shape. “Wh-what’s that? Some sort of clay?” Rose stammers out the question. I confirm that the C-4 is firmly attached to the golem. “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” With a loud cry, I throw the golem as far as my power armor and enhanced strength will let me. “It’s an explosive from our country. It may not look like much, but it’s quite potent.” “E-explosive? With a fire user nearby?!” The golem lands with an earthshaking thud, and I take the opportunity to put some distance between us. Alice watches the golem land, detonator already in hand. “Relax. It only burns when exposed to flame.” “Then how do you set it off?” As if in response to Rose’s question, Alice twists the detonator. “Like this.” The golem explodes with an enormous BOOM, sending rock fragments flying in every direction. “Ow, ow! I’m getting pelted by golem bits! Alice! Stop using me as a shield!” With the minute of active use over, my armor enters cooldown mode. Alice takes advantage of the fact that I can’t move to use me as shelter from the golem fragments. “I-incredible…” As I weigh my options on what to do with this coldhearted pile of junk, Rose just stands there next to me staring at what’s left of the golem, evidently unbothered by the rain of shrapnel pelting her face. “Unh… Can’t you wake me up a little more gently…? You seem to be treating me worse and worse…” The rain of golem shards is evidently enough to finally wake Grimm. “Ah, Grimm, you’re awake. Hey, uh, I’m afraid I can’t move for the next three minutes or so. Do you mind shielding me from the enemy until that time’s up? There shouldn’t be too much to worry about. The other units are taking care of the grunts, Snow’s handling Heine, and it looks like Rose took care of the griffin earlier…” “Heine’s actually on her way over here. Oh, and the griffin’s up and looking pretty angry.” ……… “…B-boss, I want to eat something really tasty when this battle’s over.” “I’m not really sure what’s going on, but I could go for a good drink myself.” “Okay, okay! Fine! You can have whatever you want! Just help me out here! But, Grimm, you’re gonna get it later!” 3 “Hey, Six, looks like we meet again!” Heine appears before me, her red eyes glinting like flame, as I lay helplessly behind Rose. She doesn’t appear to have noticed that my power armor is on cooldown and that I can’t move. “It’s been a while, Heine of the Flames. You seem pretty excited today. Glad to see you’re doing so well.” “Of course I’m excited! This is war!! Now let’s get this started, Six! We can fight to the death today! There’s no one to interrupt us!” Heine appears satisfied with our conversation, and she’s raring to go. In no time, she forms a ball of fire on her palm…! “Wh-whoa, hold up! What’s the rush? I actually had something I wanted to ask you!” At those words, Heine stops to listen. Good! Need to buy as much time here as possible! “Something you want to ask me? What is it?” “What do you eat to get boobs like that?” Heine throws a fireball in lieu of an answer, which Rose hurriedly swats aside. “Well, Boss, you can just add this one to your ever-growing list of dumb ideas. Seriously, what were you thinking? Or are you just not thinking at all?” Damn. Harsh. “Oh? Swatting aside my flames barehanded? I’m impressed. The knight from earlier was a huge disappointment, but I think I’ll have a lot more fun with you!” Despite having her fireball deflected, Heine looks oddly happy. She eyes Rose with considerable interest. All right, she’s in the mood to talk. This is the perfect opportunity to buy a little more time. …Or so I thought. Snow runs toward us, bawling her eyes out. “Waaaaaaaaah! Six! Siiix! The frost blade! My brand-new frost blade! That bitch melted it! You’ve got that weird projectile weapon, right? Use it to avenge my poor Iceberg!” C’mon, don’t turn the conversation back to fighting. “Oh, right! That weird weapon! Whatever, this sounds like more fun! Bring it on, Six! I heard you took the treasure from the Tower of Duster! I knew you’d be able to do it! You’re so impressive for a human! Come on, let’s get to it!” I have a woman literally throwing herself at me, and I’m terrified instead of ecstatic! Heine flings another fireball my way, and Rose swats it down again. “Six, hurry up and avenge Iceberg! I still have payments to make on it! My precious frost blade! The poor baby I cradled on my bosom every night… The frost blade I waited for ages and ages on a wait list to buy!” I plead at Snow in silence, tearfully begging her to stop pouring gas on this fire. “…Hey, Six, why is that girl protecting you? …Wait, you’re not paralyzed, are you?” Dammit! She figured it out. “Griffin, draw that girl away from Six! I’ll use that opening to cook him!!” “Dammit, Snow! You useless— You’ll pay for this, you idiot!” “What did you say to me?! And for that matter, why can’t you move?! Dammit! I can’t do much without my sword, especially against that sort of flame…” If you’re that useless without your sword, why the hell did you even bother coming?! Snow, thrown into confusion by my rage, stands watching as the griffin charges toward us. Rose jumps in front of the oncoming beast and draws in a deep breath. “Drown in a sea of hellfire…! Sleep for all eternity! Crimson Breath!” Rose takes the time to recite her little incantation before unleashing her flame breath at the charging griffin. “Damn! That girl’s too well adapted to us! Screw it! Excessive force it is!” Heine’s just about had it with the griffin cowering at Rose’s flames, and she raises her arms. Even with Rose in my way, I can feel the heat building as Heine draws more and more fire into her palm. “Say, Rose, do you really need to go through that little spiel?! Is it really something you need to recite?!” “I’d rather not say it, either! But I promised Grandpa! I can’t help that!” While I’m bickering with Rose, Heine’s flames intensify, turning from red to blue…! Has it been three minutes yet? It feels like I’ve been waiting here forever! “Rose, I believe in you! You can shrug off a little flame like that, right?!” “Y-yes, the blast lizard meat’s given me flame immunity, but Boss, there’s a big problem!” Noting Rose’s desperate expression, I uneasily ask, “Wh-what is it?” “I can’t have my clothes burn away in public! And these are the only clothes I own……” “I’ll happily buy you new ones!” Evidently coming to the conclusion that it’d be best to grab me and run, Rose tries to pick me up. “Y-you can’t expect a maiden to be okay with public nudity just like that…! …B-boss, why do you weigh so much?! Nrrrrgh! I’m as strong as a one-horned ogre, b-but I can’t even get you to budge!” “The power armor’s weight is why I can’t move! Just need a little bit longer… Once the suit finishes cooling down, I’ll get my strength back. Just hold on!” Oblivious to our panic, Heine’s flames go from blue to a blinding white. “Make your peace, Six! For your sake, I’ll make it quick!” “Hey! That’s one of the lines prohibited by the villainy manual! Rose, we’re saved! I bet we’re about to be rescued by a brave, elegant heroine responding to my distress!” As I wander off into my own little world, Rose struggles to move me. “Boss! Snap out of it! I’m about to get flash-stripped in public! No one will want to marry me! Can I pleeease just run away now?” “I’ll happily take responsibility if that happens, so don’t leave meeee!!” At that moment… “O Great Lord Zenarith, I beseech thee! Deliver disaster upon this woman! Make her limbs fall asleep!” Just as Heine prepares to lob an enormous fireball, she freezes in place as though petrified. “Guh?! Wh-what the hell?! No way…! A curse?!” Heine’s eyes go wide in surprise at her sudden paralysis, while I, also stuck in place, offer thanks to my savior. “Grimm, you saved my ass! You can be useful after all!” “Indeed, indeed. Now you, too, have borne witness to Lord Zenarith’s power… Wait, just what did you think of me until now?” The long-awaited announcement in my head saves me from having to answer that question. <Cooldown complete. Power armor reinitialized.> “Thanks, Rose, I’m good now.” Freed from babysitting me, Rose turns her glare back to the griffin, her true rival. Heine, too, appears to recover from her paralysis, slumping her shoulders in disappointment. “Oh, I give up…,” she mutters. “And here we were just about to test the golem’s abilities… Things always seem to go wrong when you’re around. Hey, Six, you sure you don’t wanna join us? Name your demands. I bet we can meet most of them.” “Quick! Block Six’s ears! Or just go ahead and get rid of that woman!” Alice barks out orders, trying to drown out Heine’s voice. “Boss! Talk to me for a bit! Don’t listen to the enemy’s words!” “C-Commander! Forget about that woman and let’s go on another night date!” My two subordinates step closer, desperately trying to come up with things to say. At that moment, my senses sharpened by countless battles alert me to danger! “Whoa!!” I roll forward, mostly out of instinct, and dodge a lethal blow. Looking back in panic, I see Snow standing, dagger in hand. “Wha—?! I thought you couldn’t move! What are you doing dodging that blow?!” “What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch?! At least wait till I actually turn traitor!! Seriously, all of you?! Do you really think I’d just happily run off to join the enemy?!” Man, screw these guys! Just who the hell do they think I am? “First off, we’ll triple your pay. Next, Six, have you ever heard of a demon called a succubus?” “Yes, ma’am, I’m quite familiar with that demon.” “Hey, Six, stop listening so attentively! Don’t answer her that politely! Stop getting baited and draw your gun!!” Alice shouts quickly in a rare display of anxiety. “…Ugh, seriously, no trust at all. S-sorry to disappoint you, Heine of the Flames. I’m not so easily swayed by riches or women…” I stand, dusting myself off and reaching for the gun on my hip. Heine smiles invitingly and outstretches her right hand. “Come, Six, take my hand. I’ll get whatever woman you want to take care of you. Teasing succubi, haughty-yet-submissive Lilims, devilishly beautiful vampires, sirens gently cooing in your ear…” “Grimm! Shut that woman up with a curse! Six can’t resist that charm magic much longer!” “That’s charm magic?! I don’t feel any magic in the words, though…!” “<…Sorry, Alice… I think I’m done for…>” “<Get it together, Six! Also, stop speaking in Japanese! It makes you sound serious!>” Alice cries out desperately just as a white blur cuts in between Heine and me. “Gotcha!” Seeing her opportunity, Snow lunges with dagger outstretched at Heine’s arm. Heine had put out the flames so she could offer her hand to me. Snow strikes with her dagger, a silver glint flashing in the air. Heine quickly draws her hand backward; the blow glances off her gauntlet, sending a piece of it flying. The piece glows red as it tumbles in the air. “Ack! My sorcerer stone!!” All of Heine’s attention turns to the stone, as though Snow and I have suddenly ceased to exist. Heine’s gaze falls on Alice, who snatches the gem out of the air. “…Oh? What’s this? Seems pretty important based on your reaction.” “N-not at all! It’s n-nothing important…” Heine’s eyes belie her words as she stares desperately at Alice’s hands. I stand next to Alice, gazing closely at the gem in her hands. “If it’s not important, I guess we can just hang on to it.” “Agreed. No need to give things back to the enemy. Especially if they’re trivial.” “Ah! Um! W-well…that…um…that actually is important…,” Heine stammers out after hearing our conversation. “Oh, that’s a sorcerer stone. Magic users need a conduit to cast spells. Usually they use something like a staff, a ring, or maybe a bracelet as a conduit, but it seems that’s what the gem is for her. The gem’s overflowing with magic. I imagine it must’ve taken a lot of time and effort to shape it into such a powerful conduit.” Grimm peers at the gem in Alice’s hands, looking rather impressed as she describes what it is. “…What happens to Heine without it?” “She won’t be able to use magic. She could use something else as a conduit, but she won’t be able to wield a power befitting one of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four.” Alice and I exchange glances, then look back at Heine. “…Eeep! Wh-what are you plotting, Six? Y-you’ll be joining us and bringing that stone with you, right? Right?! Please tell me I’m right!” Heine’s tone grows increasingly desperate, her eyes welling up with tears. “““Yikes…””” The other members of the unit back away after seeing our expressions. 4 The sounds of battle around us have ceased. Demons and soldiers alike have given their undivided attention to the sudden event unfolding with one of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four. As for what that event is… “Come on, Heine; it’s like you’re not even trying! Lean forward and accentuate your cleavage while looking up at me. Oh, hey! That teary expression is perfect!” <Evil Points acquired.> <Evil Points acquired.> The announcer in my head is working overtime as I continue the photoshoot with my digital camera. “…Just kill me now…” While glaring daggers at me, Heine follows my instructions and strikes pose after provocative pose in front of the assembled crowd. “Okay, next let’s try leaning back on your arms, spreading your legs, and lowering your hips. Hey now! Get that hand out of the way. Hands behind your legs. Ah, those rebellious eyes are awesome! Looks like I’ll get a great price for these with the right niche market…” “Sniffle… Waaaah! …Hic!” Heine finally breaks into tears. Rose, looking at her from a distance with the others, winces in sympathy. “P-poor thing…” Each time I press the shutter on the digital camera, I hear the announcement. Each time the announcement rings out, Alice nods approvingly at the device she’s watching. “Good work, Six. Keep it up! Drive her deeper into despair. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as watching a strong enemy being humiliated. Mmmm… L-look, Six. The mighty Heine of the Flames reduced to heaving sobs…!” Snow stands next to me, hugging her hands to her body and shuddering in delight. “This is for Iceberg! Enjoy your humiliation! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!” So not only does she let her avarice and ambition drive her decisions, but she gets off on watching the humiliation of her enemies. I’ve gotta hand it to her. Snow is a piece of work. Anyway, let’s forget about the crazy girl and focus on Heine splayed out in front of me. “All right, next. Stay in that position, keep that teary look, and give us a smile with double peace signs! …Good, good. Let’s move on to the next step… You know, those clothes really do get in the way.” “Eeeep!” Seeing Heine shy away from my predatory gaze, Rose scoots slowly over to me and taps me on the shoulder. “B-boss. I—I think going any further would be too far, even if she is an enemy. Why not give her stone back? Once Miss Heine can use magic again, you can have a rematch.” In response to Rose’s suggestion… “Oh, Aliiice, did I ever say anything about giving the stone back?” “Not that I know of. What you said verbatim was, ‘All right, why don’t we start with you pressing your boobs together and looking up at me!’ You never promised you’d give her the stone if she listened to you. She just followed your directions assuming you’d give it back.” “Th-that’s awful…!” Heine jumps at this exchange, snarling. “Y-you can’t be serious?! You mean to tell me I did all that for nothing?! You’re dead… YOU ARE A DEAD MAN, SIX!!” “Oh? All right, if you can kill me without magic, go right on ahead. C’mon, what are you waiting for?” “Grrrr… Grrrrrrrrrrr!!” Heine clenches her jaw, grinding her teeth together in frustration and anger, eyes filled with tears of rage. “Well, I guess there’s no helping it. Do you want this back that badly?” “A-are you going to give it back?! I beg you, that’s a precious— Wh-wh-wh-what the—? What are you doing?!” I unzip the fly on my power armor and start rustling around. You gotta love how practical the power armor is. It was designed so that you can even take a leak on the go. I snugly tuck Heine’s precious object into the space where I keep only my most precious junk. As a gentleman, I try to make things as painless for Heine as possible. I cross my arms in front of my chest and bend backward, getting into a bridge pose supported only by my neck and legs. “Come and get it.” “…Six, you bastard! I’ll remember thiiiiiiiiiiiiis!” The sobbing Heine hops onto her griffin’s back, trailing tears behind her as she flies off. 5 The pleasant clink of glasses coming together rings throughout a small tavern near the castle. ““““Cheers!!”””” With the battle concluded, I’ve brought my squad members to the tavern to celebrate. “Well, that was quite the outcome, eh, Six? You destroyed the giant golem and, regardless of how you did it, weakened one of the Elite Four and drove her off. I’ll never forget the look of despair on the faces of the Demon Lord’s Army when Heine ran away! And who made it all possible? Us!” Snow hums happily to herself before tipping her stein back and taking a swig. “Lately, it feels like we’ve really been taking the fight to the demons! I mean, before the commander took over, I was getting killed at least once per battle! O Great Lord Zenarith, I thank you for your blessing in letting me wake on something other than the altar of resurrection!” Grimm, taking up quite a bit of space inside the cramped tavern with her wheelchair, offers prayers of thanks to her god. “Ish sho ghood! Sho ghood! Effer shinsh Boff took ofer, I’fe eafen sho muff delifif fud!” Next to Grimm sits Rose, who happily shovels down food into her mouth as quickly as she can grab hold of it. The crybaby Chimera is clearly still at an age where food takes precedence over beer. “Yes, that’s it! Don’t be shy! Sing my praises all you want; I can handle it! …You know, given how well we’ve been doing, surely some awesome rumors have started to spread about us by now! What should we do if people come up to us for autographs? Oh, whatever shall we dooo?” I use my stein to mime the motions of an eager fan, before cheerfully draining the contents and slamming the empty container down on the table. After taking a few more little sips from her drink, Snow lets out a confident snort. “This is how it should be! Our squadron has me, the youngest knight in the kingdom’s history. At this rate, I’ll be back in charge in no time!” I’m about to remind Snow that she hasn’t exactly showered herself with glory while under my command, but a more important question bubbles up to the surface. “You were the youngest knight once, sure, but that was ages ago, isn’t it? How old are you now anyway?” “Mm? Oh, I’m seventeen. I was knighted at twelve.” Snow casually drops the bomb with the ease of someone who does that to conversations on a regular basis. She leisurely tips back her stein again. “Wait, you’re younger than I am? Looking like that?! Between your arrogance and your assets, I figured you were at least a few years older than me!” “Pffffbbbt!” Snow does a spit take. “AAAAAHHHH! M-my eyes! My eyes!” The stream of alcohol nails Grimm right in the face. Screaming in agony, the archbishop clutches at her eyes and writhes her way out of her wheelchair. Coughing, Snow wipes at the corner of her mouth with her hand and looks at me with a faint flush on her cheeks. “I—I may be a knight, but I’m a woman, too, you ass! Consider my feelings! What do you mean by ‘looking like that’??” “Shut it, you little brat! You’ve been talking to me like we’re equals, and it turns out that this whole time I outranked you AND I was older?! Screw that!” I sit back in my chair, lounging with an insolent ease, and toss a few coins Snow’s way. “Go buy me some bread. Chop-chop!” “Not a chance! I’m not your squire; ask one of your servers to go instead! …You wanna be respected for being the oldest? Then stop acting like such a kid! It’s high time you got it together as our commander…” Snow’s words are dripping with resentment, but Rose stops inhaling food just long enough to beam at the knight. “Snow finally acknowledged Boss as the boss!” “Wh-what?! No! I’m saying he needs to act more responsibly as our commander…” “Someone get me a towel pleeeease!” Our antics, while loud, don’t hold a candle to the rest of the tavern patrons. The citizens are aware of today’s victory, and everyone’s in the mood to celebrate. Wrapped in the night’s festive atmosphere, we enjoy an evening of partying. “Whew… Say, why isn’t Alice here tonight?” Grimm asks, her cheeks flushing a faint shade of red as she empties her umpteenth stein. I can’t exactly tell them that androids don’t eat or drink, so… “Alice? I sent her home early. Keeping her out at taverns past bedtime sets a bad example.” Snow continues nursing her drink, nodding along with the faintest look of approval. “Feels a little late to worry about bad examples when you’re dragging her off to war. That girl’s got a nasty mouth on her, but she’s got a lot of potential. How do I put this? She’s brilliant. Just the other day, I heard a ridiculous story about how she’d read every book in the castle archive in one day.” “I actually saw Miss Alice negotiating with a bunch of merchants at the market.” “Glug, glug… Aah! I’ve seen Alice delivering packages to various healers’ clinics around town.” Huh. Seems the android’s been keeping herself busy when I’m not looking. “Merchants and healers? Hey, Six, I’ve heard a few rumors around town. An increase in the quality of arms and armor. Merchants throwing around money from selling better goods. New medicines no one’s heard of… Do you think Alice might be involved with any of that?” “No clue.” Contrary to my answer, I can see Alice’s fingerprints all over these stories. Snow looks a little skeptical about my answer and takes another tiny sip. Well, it was less of a sip and more like she merely touched her tongue to the liquid. “…Hrmph! Honestly, I don’t care where you’re from. You and Alice are indispensable members of our squadron. But don’t let that go to your head. I still don’t trust you! And you’re still not my commander!” “Listen closely, Rose. Snow is what you’d call a tsundere. She might act like she hates me, but in truth, she’s actually head over heels for me.” “Huh! So the reason Miss Snow is always bugging you is because she likes you, Boss? Interesting!” “I really will kill you, you know. Don’t think I won’t. I swear, from the moment I met you…” “Hey, you! Hot guy tending the bar! Another round!” They say time flies when you’re having fun. This night’s flying by so quickly I’m starting to get dizzy… 6 I heave a deep sigh, supporting the half-conscious Six against my shoulder and dragging him out of the tavern. The soldiers we’d shared drinks with look over at him leaning drunkenly against my arm and laugh. “Thanks for dinner, Boss! It’s been a while since I’ve had this much to eat!” “My thanks as well, Commander! Now, Rose, you and I are going to go for a little joyride. I feel we can set a new speed record tonight!” As Grimm gleefully makes an ominous proposal, Rose hesitates, her expression souring. “Can we not and say we did? My stomach’s full and I’m getting sleepy. Can’t you just go by yourself? Besides, Grandpa always said that I shouldn’t stay out all night.” “Who’s going to witness my record if not you? Come along now! Let’s go harass all the happy couples who dare use our triumph as an excuse to get all lovey-dovey!” “Sigh…” I watch as Grimm grabs Rose by the arm and drags her along on her self-declared mission. I then half escort, half carry Six back to the castle. “Yaaaaaaaaaaawn! It’s been a while since I drank that much! That one barmaid sure was cute, wasn’t she? Did you see her reaction when I grabbed her butt? So innocent!” Six, in full jackass mode, continues like this for some time. “…At least try to remember you’re a commander. Your stupidity is terminal, but I can’t have you tarnishing the rest of our reputations!” “Dumbass! I’m just followin’ the etiquette fer a proper Combat Agent! Did you forget to memorize the maaanual? ‘Heh-heh, how about you walk that cute butt of yours over this way and pour me a drink?’ is the standard compliment for cute waitresses, ’member?” This idiot is hard enough to understand when he’s sober. Now that he’s sloshed, he’s incoherent. “Tch… No, don’t go that way, you idiot. This way! Hey! That is not a bathroom!” I forcefully drag the stumbling Six back to the barracks. By some miracle, we make it back to the room he shares with Alice. “Yo, Six, welcome back. Ah, looks like he’s wasted again. Just how much did this idiot drink?” It seems Alice had been eagerly awaiting Six’s return. She opened the door immediately after I knocked. “It was worse than I expected. He demanded they bring the keg, then bought everyone in the tavern drinks, claiming he’d struck it rich.” “He’s allergic to saving money. I suppose he can’t help that he’s a spendthrift. Good work bringing him back.” I feel you’ve crossed a line of no return when even a child this young has such a low opinion of your character. And yet, this fool claims to be my superior. “G’niiiiight, Snowy! Thanks for escorting your commander home! Gimme a good-night kiss before you go!!” “Don’t call me Snowy, you drunk moron! Just shut up and go to bed!” I kick the blathering boozehound into his room. Picking up the pace, I start toward my own quarters. Honestly… How the hell has he survived this long? He’s been insolent and rude since the day we met. Now, I won’t deny he can fight, and I admit he has his uses in battle, but “Snowy”? Ridiculous. “I can’t believe him! Thinking he can mock me as he pleases. I’m seriously going to end him one of these days,” I mutter. So I say, but I understand full well I can’t do that now that we’ve fought in the same unit. As much as it pains me to admit it, I’m pretty sure he’s… “Oh? Ending Sir Six? I’m afraid I can’t ignore such a remark.” I freeze at the sudden voice before sharply turning in the direction it came from. “My lord…” Standing there is the chief of staff, a one-eyed man wearing a hat to hide his balding pate. “N-no, my lord… I didn’t mean it; I was just trying to vent some…” Given how often I’ve uttered a variation of that sentiment in public, I don’t know why it would be an issue at this point. The chief of staff holds up his palm, interrupting my explanation. “Don’t worry yourself. I understand how you feel. An insolent stranger blows in from parts unknown and immediately begins running amok and acting a fool. And who gets the blame? You do. Meanwhile, he lucks into a command position, then uses despicable means to rake in the glory. That seems reason enough to want him dead.” The chief of staff doesn’t bother to actually listen to me, completing his circle of reasoning and nodding to himself in agreement. I’ve never actually wanted him dead, but I can fully agree about his insolence. “Honestly! He’s so insufferable! And he’s always finding new ways to get under my skin! It’s as though his purpose in life is to annoy everyone around him!” My alcohol tolerance has always been pretty low, and I’ve had several drinks at this point. I suppose that’s coaxed out the pent-up day-to-day frustration. “I completely understand your feelings! Every little thing he can think of, he comes and needles me, calling me ‘old man.’ It would seem that you and I are of the same mind.” The chief of staff stands next to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. Same mind? A bald-faced lie. I haven’t forgotten how this man used to talk down to me. As a lowly knight, my status as a homeless orphan made me a perfect target for his public mockery. The thoughts go through my head in rapid succession as I glance uneasily at the hand on my shoulder. “Lady Snow, you’ve almost certainly produced enough results to return to your old position. Do you not agree that you would be better suited to commanding the Royal Guard?” “I-if possible, yes!” Nothing can describe the amount of blood, sweat, and tears I shed in order to rise from slum-dwelling orphan to knight captain. I suffered countless acts of cruelty motivated by my lowly birth and fueled by envy later on. To be able to return to my old role would make it all worth it! …But what would that mean for my current squadron? The recent victories were achieved by the whole squadron, not just myself. I suppose I could just induct them into the Royal Guard. It would be my unit, and it’s my right and privilege to treat Grimm and Rose as equals. I could also make use of Alice’s smarts to handle strategies and combat tactics. …And as for the moron. You can’t rely on a single thing that goes on in his brain or comes out of his mouth, but he’s a better fighter than I am. It’d be cruel to leave just him out, so I’ll include him in my unit! I don’t know what my expression looked like at that moment, but the chief of staff nodded at me with a satisfied smile. He’s kept his hand on my shoulder for an uncomfortably long time, but I don’t want to upset him by pointing that out. I can take out this frustration on someone later, maybe on the moron… “Excellent, excellent. Lady Snow, you look quite pleased as well. I’m sure you’re sick of fighting alongside that demon-blooded abomination and crazy disaster cultist as well. I understand, I understand completely.” My brow twitches at those insults to my comrades, but I somehow manage to contain the anger. That flash of rage coupled with my tendency to lash out at provocation are the reasons why the moron can mock me about my quick temper. “On a related subject…Lady Snow, you mentioned in front of His Majesty that Sir Six was a foreign spy.” I’d forgotten about that. I vaguely recall saying something along those lines. “I’m afraid that was a misunderstanding on my part. I don’t believe that man is capable of something as subtle as spying. If anything, he’s the kind of person who would forget his mission if he grew too comfortable in his target country, and he would probably end up settling in.” That’s definitely my gut reaction. There’s no way that fool could manage something as complex as espionage. He’d make a horrendous spy, drawing far too much attention to himself. …Still, the chief of staff seems unconvinced. “I believe it’s too soon to say. That man won those victories, after all. It wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that he might be smart enough to hide his true nature… You’re observant and intelligent. Moreover, your loyalty to this kingdom is unparalleled. So I wish to ask you a favor. Can you subtly monitor Sir Six’s activities? I want you to find evidence that he’s a spy. Regardless of the truth of the accusations.” Slumping my shoulders while walking down the hall, I sigh and think back to the chief of staff’s request. Find evidence that Six is a spy in exchange for promotion back to Royal Guard captain. The chief of staff made it abundantly clear that he didn’t care if the evidence was genuine, meaning he planned to set Six up for a fall either way. Despite the kingdom facing annihilation, the chief of staff is more worried about his career. “…The chief of staff. I don’t like him. He’s shady as hell, I just know it. He’s definitely the sort of self-serving bastard that’ll do whatever it takes to ensure he comes out ahead.” Suddenly Six’s words come to mind, and they’re much more credible now. There may be some hypocrisy in the statement, but I can’t shake the feeling that the moron is still the better man. I let out another deep sigh, shoulders still slumped, as I approach Six’s room. In my hand, I carry a leather pouch containing reward money for Six. The chief of staff happily gave me the errand. “‘It’ll give you a reason to meet with Sir Six,’ he says. Ugh… If I go to his room at this hour, I’m never going to hear the end of it.” …Oh, well. I guess I’ll give up on the Royal Guard billet. If I keep fighting with the current squadron, I’ll eventually have a real opportunity to win back my rank. Standing in front of Six’s door, I take a deep breath to calm my emotions. “But seriously, like, what do I do? If the king asks me to take Tillis as my wife and rule the kingdom, should I do it? Does this kingdom even allow polygamy?” I still can’t understand how the hell his mind works. “Don’t know, don’t care. Tillis seems like quite the beauty to me. Are you not content with just one wife?” “It’s not about being content. Think about it! My squad’s nothing but hot babes! What if on the night before the wedding, one of the squad members came up to me? ‘Commander! The truth is, I’ve always…!’” …S-seriously! What is wrong with his head?! “…I thought my wealth of prior knowledge on these scenarios would prepare me for any situation. I guess I’ve got a lot to learn.” “Is that so? Well, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but you’re pretty good at getting things done when you actually try. Give it your best effort.” I’m starting to feel a lot of sympathy for Alice. She’s the one stuck caring for him. “If my wife ended up being someone like Snow, I bet every day would be something new and exciting.” I feel the blood rushing to my head at the remark. I take a deep breath, preparing to launch into a venomous tirade as I reach for the door…! “…That reminds me. I need to keep the Kisaragi Supreme Leader route open. Let’s start wrapping up our spy activities. The reward for this last mission was pretty impressive. We probably have enough to finally establish that base…” “Six, it’s good that you’re happy, but you need to keep it down. At least use Japanese when talking about—” The leather bag of coins given to me by the chief of staff lands on the floor with a loud thump.
Chapter 7
48 min read