Chapter 62

CHAPTER 4 Vs. the Sand King 1 So we’ve come to terms with the kingdom of Grace. First, they will accept the territory the demons previously held as reparations and will not subjugate the former residents. Second, the kingdom accepts the resettlement of the demons to our Hideout City. Third, with the majority of the demon territory rendered unlivable due to the desertification, Kisaragi will eliminate the culprit: the Sand King. Fourth, once the Sand King is eliminated, the demon territory should slowly begin to flourish once more. Following that recovery, the kingdom of Grace’s war reparations will be considered paid in full. And fifth, the leaders and soldiers of the Demon Lord’s Army will join Kisaragi, while the residents will settle in Hideout City. For now, the demons will temporarily shelter in Hideout City, and if in the unlikely event we conclude that the Sand King is unkillable, the demons will be driven out, the agreement will become null and void, and the war between the demons and the kingdom of Grace will resume. …In short, everyone’s happy ending hinges on us killing this giant mole. So with that explanation out of the way… Alice has briefed the other agents. She’s now hosting a mole-busting meeting and gathering intel. “It shied away when Tiger Man punched it and when Rose breathed fire at it. So one glaring truth is that we don’t have enough firepower as we are. We should just get Lady Lilith to come back. Besides, she’s the reason the former Demon Lord is dead and why the Sand King is attacking. She should take responsibility.” As the agents nod at my comment, one of them raises his hand. “Nah, she’ll probably screw up something again and end up adding to our problems. Let’s ask for Lady Belial instead. If we can have her burn away the Great Woods along with the mole, it’ll really move our settlement plans forward.” Y’know…he makes a good point. While more agents start nodding in agreement, Alice throws a wrench into the plan. “Requesting the assistance of the Supreme Leaders is a no-go. The report we recently sent resulted in more punishment for Lady Lilith. Finally fed up, she threw a fit and launched a rebellion. She’s been calling on mutants and agents to join her but hasn’t received any support so far, so she’s holed up by herself. Since only another Supreme Leader can deal with her, we won’t get any help from them until they have her under control.” It certainly sounds like something Lilith would do, but what’s she trying to accomplish? “In that case, we’ll need some powerful weapons to take on the Sand King, but… Hey, you guys, how are you doing on Evil Points? I’m still in the red, so I can’t order anything.” That said, my current point total has recovered up to about negative sixty. At this rate, I should be able to use the transport system again in a few days. “That mole was shrugging off rounds from an anti-materiel rifle, so it’s more heavily armored than a tank. How many points would it take to get a weapon capable of damaging that?” “I’ve been blowing my points on porn ever since I got here… The lack of convenience stores and rental shops really hurts…” “Plus, over here, it costs points to get booze and cigarettes. But is the mole’s hide actually that tough? Are we sure it isn’t some sort of magical barrier or something?” Everyone starts pitching their theories, but nothing useful comes of it. We get some proposals for using nets woven out of wiring, and the idea that maybe flamethrowers would work since it shied from Rose’s flames, but… This is the sort of situation where Alice’s brains are our best bet. However, Alice shakes her head as everyone naturally turns to look at her. “I don’t have enough intel on that mole. Since we don’t know what’ll work, save your Evil Points. For now, I’ll try setting traps with materials from this planet, but don’t expect too much from them. Things like rockets, anti-materiel-rifle rounds, grenades, and sonic depth charges elicit a reaction if they connect, but they all lack that final punch. Still, there’s something off about that mole’s defenses. I won’t accept the existence of something as far-fetched as defensive magic, but we do need to explore every avenue we can.” As Alice willfully refutes the possibility of the supernatural, the agents start to grumble. “So you’re saying you’ve got nothing. Given how you’re always ordering us around, you need to be better about putting that brain to work when we need it.” Surprisingly, Alice nods to that. “All right… Well, I wasn’t going to suggest this at first, but we could always arm each of you with an R-Buzzsaw and have you charge in. Those would likely do some damage. I mean, losing a few Combat Agents doesn’t hurt Kisaragi in the slightest, so how about we try that?” “Don’t give her any ideas! She’s got command authority during war, remember? If she says to do it, we’ll actually have to!” “So you’re saying we’re expendable, you merciless rust bucket?!” “That’s beyond cruel! Combat Agents are people, too! Our lives are precious!” “I’m sorry for teasing you! So please—anything but that!” By the time the meeting is finally over, it seems the sun has set. It’s getting to be nighttime… In the deserted cafeteria, Snow, who’s been dragged into all this, is picking on Viper. “Why do I have to help defeat the Sand King?! Princess Tillis did mention something about our kingdom’s reputation suffering if Kisaragi eliminated it on their own, but…” “I’m sorry! You have my sincerest apologies! I’m so very sorry!” Despite the fact that she can’t hold her liquor, Snow has Viper pouring her drinks. One sip of sake later… “Mmm, that’s goo—I mean, this is rancid! A drink poured by a Demon Lord is unpalatable!” “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Sh-should I bring you some beer instead…?” Viper doesn’t break under Snow’s bullying and instead moves to fetch some beer, but… “Oh, no, this is fine. No need to put yourself out! Tch, because you inherited the throne, my Demon Lord intel was useless, and I missed my chance for glory! How are you going to take responsibility?!” “I’m sorry for inheriting the throne without your permission! Oh… Your cup is empty; should I refrain from refilling it…?” Snow turns to Viper, who’s been taking care of her despite the harassment. “Of course you should refill the empty cup! But right now, it’s time for you to drink!” “V-very well, I’ll have some…” Snow’s turned into an aggressive drunk, switching between saying sake poured by a Demon Lord is undrinkable and then demanding a refill, but… “I’ve had lots of dear subordinates die in battle against the Demon Lord’s Army, but if you drink all that up, I, Snow the Magnanimous, will forgive you! Show your appreciation!” “Th-thank you very much! I will have this drink as the representative of all demons…!” She’s a drunk, but she’s also a former knight captain who commanded a lot of troops. I suppose she’s still working through some bitter feelings toward the demons. Viper herself doesn’t seem to mind, so I guess I’ll leave them be. “Boff, you’re not gonna help Miff Fiper?” asks Rose with a full mouth as I watch Snow and Viper. “Vi has this tendency to occasionally seek atonement for the past, so maybe getting hazed a little helps her. If you see another agent bullying Vi, though, you can go ahead and chew on them.” “Understood. If Ms. Viper gets sexually harassed by someone, I’ll make sure to chomp on them.” I nod to Rose’s reassuring words and sip my beer. Eventually, the cafeteria empties out, and as I look around and get ready to leave… …the hideout quakes. “The mole’s back. Everyone, grab an R-Buzzsaw and assemble in the courtyard outside the hideout. If anyone’s still sleeping, slap them awake!” Alice’s broadcast rings through the base, and at the same time, the sounds of footfalls echo through the halls. Something about the specific order to grab an R-Buzzsaw bugs me, but I take mine, which is propped up against the table. “Time to go mole hunting! Let’s show them the power of the former Grace Kingdom Skirmish Squad!” “Boss, Snow blacked out from drinking too much! Also, Grimm’s still resurrecting!” Why are my squad members so useless when I need them?! With no other choice, I head out with only Rose in tow, but to my surprise, Viper tags along. “What are you doing, Vi? It’s dangerous. You should stay in the hideout.” “No, as the former Demon Lord, it’s my responsibility to see the demons to safety. I’m still their leader. I think I can be of use to you, Mr. Six…” …She can’t shake my worry, though. This girl’s seriously self-sacrificing. She probably wouldn’t hesitate to throw her life away if it meant saving someone else… “…You’re late, Six. You’re the last one here. I’m not surprised that Grimm is absent, but where the hell is Snow?” Arriving on the scene, I see the agents have surrounded the mole and are holding out long sticks. “Snow blacked out, so I left her behind. What are they doing?” The long sticks the agents are wielding are shaped like spoons, and there’s something piled on the ends of them. “We’re drawing its attention with food while we evacuate the demons. It wasn’t hard to guess what kind of food a mole would like. I whipped up a blend that it should find particularly appetizing.” Alice starts to write something while she speaks. I’m curious, so I sneak a peek and see she’s writing about Snow… Looks like it’s a report to Tillis. I guess she plans to use Snow’s screwup as a way to get concessions from Tillis during the negotiations. “If we have bait that moles like, it should be easy enough to prepare a trap. Should we try laying land mines or something?” “That’ll be a last resort. After all, you agents never remember where you bury your mines. I can say with absolute certainty one of you will end up stepping on one by mistake.” True, all agents except me are pretty stupid. We’re talking about a group of guys who might very well be dumber than a mole. There’s a good chance they really would step on their own land mines. The Sand King, lit by a spotlight, shows interest in the bait. Its nose is twitching this way and that. “I’ve mixed a powerful sedative into the bait. Once it falls asleep, we’ll have the upper hand. Finishing it off after that shouldn’t be too bad.” Alice says this without much conviction, but she’s forgetting something important. “This is a boss monster. It’s impervious to status effects.” That’s something any RPG gamer would know. If we could solve the problem with sedatives, that’d be a little too easy. Alice freezes for a moment, but then says with exasperation: “…Really? A ‘boss monster’? I know you think of everything as a video game, but this is reality. It’s time to get a grip.” “No, you’re the one who needs to get a grip, Alice. Even if we’re talking about elite demons or whatever, a tranquilizer gun would be the ultimate weapon, but I’ve never tried using a weapon like that, have I?” “……I guess you can use your head a little when it comes to battle. I figured the reason you didn’t use sleeping gas or tranquilizers was because we hadn’t confirmed if Earth-derived chemicals would work on this planet’s creatures.” Still, depending on the game, certain status effects can work on boss monsters. Before charging in with my R-Buzzsaw, I can just wait until the Sand King eats the bait. At least then, we’ll know if it’ll even work or not. “…Huh. It sniffed at the bait, but it doesn’t look like it’s going for it. See? It’s a boss immunity! This is probably why status effects don’t work in video games!” “Don’t be ridiculous. I picked chemicals with no flavor or scent… Wait a sec. I included worms and bugs into the mix because it’s a mole, but…” The Sand King turns up its nose at the offered bait, approaches a nearby Combat Agent, and… Chomp. “Gyaaaaaaah! My anti-materiel rifle! …Th-this thing’s not looking at the bait. It’s looking at me…” The Combat Agent shoved his anti-materiel rifle forward when he dodged the Sand King’s attack, resulting in the mole munching on that instead. The Sand King chews for a moment before spitting something onto the ground. The agents all fall silent at the sight of the small lump of steel that used to be a gun. “…Well, given its size, I guess there’s no reason for it to fixate on small insects. If it can eat bugs, then it can eat other living creatures. Given that it didn’t hesitate to snap at the agent, it must already have a taste for people,” says Alice. “Why are you so damn calm?! That thing might look cute, but it’s super dangerous!” I draw my R-Buzzsaw while admonishing Alice’s trademark apathy. “Let’s go. I’ll draw its attention, so give it a good slashing! Everyone, ready your R-Buzzsaws!” Taking the lead as this planet’s manager, I dash off toward the Sand King. …Chaaaarge! 2 “Squeesqueesqueek!” “Hisssss!” The giant Sand King makes oddly cute mewling noises, while Rose bares her fangs to intimidate it. Having had part of my power armor torn open by the Sand King, I decide I’ve done enough as a decoy. I’m hanging out next to Alice. “Sorry, Alice. Rose wouldn’t have to face off alone against it if I could’ve bought a few more minutes…” “There’s nothing to do about that. You did well enough.” I use my downtime to observe the battle. Thanks to my perfect performance as a decoy, the Sand King’s covered in injuries. It’s squeaking as Rose keeps it restrained. Even though bullets and harpoons didn’t work, the attacks with R-Buzzsaws definitely did damage. Does that mean the only plan we’ve got is a suicide charge of Combat Agents with R-Buzzsaws? …Just then, Rose strikes a weird pose and sucks in a deep breath. “Drown in my hellfire! Sleep for eternity! Crimson Breaaaath!” “Squee! Squeesqueee!” Although the Sand King’s getting bathed in flame, it doesn’t seem to be taking any damage. I guess it does have some fire resistance after all. Turning its back to Rose, it flicks up dirt with its claw. “Bwah! Ack! I got dirt in my mouth…!” As Rose is blanketed by dirt, letting out a cry as she defends her face… “Squee!” “Guuuh!” …she gets sent flying by one of the Sand King’s flailing limbs. Catching Rose in midair, I roll to kill our momentum. Fortunately, it didn’t pierce her with a claw, and I don’t see any wounds on her. “I’m sorry, but my body hurts too much to move. This is frustrating…” “Rest here a bit. Like me, you did well. Good job… As for the rest of you, try harder! Fight at least as hard as Rose and I did!” “Yes, yes, Six. You fought hard.” I guess the Sand King really does have sharp senses, because it keeps attacking in the direction it hears the slightest noise coming from, so until the demons finish evacuating, we’ve been yelling back and forth to draw its attention. The Combat Agents scurrying around the Sand King start yelling at us. “Hey, Alice, stop babying Six! He didn’t even last ten seconds as a decoy. All he did was get hit and then run away!” “Oh, shut up! Then you be the decoy! I’m special to Alice. My efforts and results are things only Alice understands. Ain’t that right, partner?” “It’s because you do what I say when I give you a little encouragement. There, there. Well done. I have something else I need you to take care of.” Alice then lightly pats my head. For some reason, I have a bad feeling about this. Just as I’m contemplating making my escape before anything happens… “We’ve finished evacuating the demons! I apologize for the delay! I’ll be lending my assistance now!” In a situation where the Combat Agents are staying back because of claws that can easily tear through power armor, Viper dashes over, heaving labored breaths. Feeling their masculinity threatened by the incredibly powerful women before them, my colleagues close the distance with the Sand King. With the evacuation of the demons complete, Alice issues an order to an agent with good sniping skills. “Try shooting a cutting round into the Sand King.” The agent unslings his rifle and, as instructed, loads a cutting round designed for slashing ropes from long distance. He fires at the Sand King, but a moment later, the shot gets deflected off the seemingly impenetrable hide without leaving a scratch, then rebounds back to the agent who fired it, grazing his head. “So R-Buzzsaws work, but it doesn’t look like it’s particularly vulnerable to cutting attacks…” “Hey, Alice, that almost took my head off! Show a little more concern for our lives, please!” As Mr. Expendable whines, Alice looks up. “I think I’m on to something. Six, go punch the Sand King.” The android, whom I previously thought of as a genius, is turning out to be just as useless as her creator. “As a surgically enhanced human, my punch is strong, sure, but it won’t do anything against an enemy that big. Besides, getting close to a giant, pissed-off mole is just asking for death.” I shake my head and shrug my shoulders, but Alice just makes a shooing gesture at me. “Forget all that and get to it already. If you keep refusing, I’ll use my command authority.” “You tyrant! After I get a hit in, I’m booking it!” I look to the Sand King after filing my last complaint with Alice. There’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded wild animal. The Sand King sniffs around before lashing out with its claws the moment it hears movement. Eventually, it looks directly at me, and we lock eyes. As I freeze in place, Alice yells over at me. “You moron! There’s no point crawling toward an opponent who doesn’t rely on eyesight. Hurry and stand up!” Distracted by Alice’s voice, the Sand King whiffs its claw attack over the top of my head. “Whoa, that was close! Why can’t you tell me these things ahead of time?!” As I flee back toward Alice, she gives me a look of utter disappointment. “It’s my fault for not considering your complete lack of intelligence… Do we have anyone with the guts to go land a punch on the Sand King?!” I don’t think there’s anyone here with a weird enough fetish that they’d happily run toward an enemy that deadly… “I’ll go.” After saying this in a low voice, Viper runs in. “Vi, what are you doing?! You guys, cover her! We’ll draw the Sand King’s attention!” As Viper quickly closes in on her target, we decide to distract it instead of trying to stop her. “Hey! Hey, over here, you stupid mole! Look at meeee!” “I know it won’t work, but take this! Don’t underestimate an enhanced agent’s fastball!” “Keep taunting it! I know it won’t understand our words, but taunt it anyway! You damned mole! Your beady eyes are so adorable! Stop twitching that nose!” Some agents jeer, and others start throwing rocks. Seemingly annoyed by all the noise we’re making, the Sand King, now with a decent grasp of where everyone is, turns its nose toward our group… “Demon Lord Punch!” yells Viper as she delivers a mighty kick to the Sand King. “…Did that do it?” “Damn, the Demon Lord Punch is awesome! Even if it’s not a punch!” “Wow, so that’s the power of a Demon Lord! That totally wasn’t a punch, though! It was a flying kick!” As the agents get worked up, the Sand King snaps out of its daze. It definitely looks like it’s in pain where Viper kicked it, and as it gets up, it seems to be protecting its flank. I guess a single “Demon Lord Punch” wasn’t enough to take it down. But Alice knew that’d be the case, so what’s she after? “You guys, engage it in melee combat! The Sand King’s using some mysterious energy to nullify ranged attacks. Strike it with something other than projectile weapons!” shouts Alice confidently. “Mysterious energy”? It’s weird for her, of all people, to say something like that. “What’s up, Alice? Are you describing things in video-game terms now, too? We’ll have to get you in character, then. First, you need to call me something like master or owner. After that, just throw in some robot noises every now and then, and you’ll be perfect.” “…What are you talking about? This is a boss immunity. You mentioned boss monsters are sometimes immune to things like status effects, right? The Sand King is using something that greatly nullifies ranged attacks, though I’m not sure what.” Come to think of it, Rose’s fire breath only had an effect at close range. That means her order to go punch the Sand King was to confirm that hypothesis. “I see. So it has the magical barrier that someone mentioned at the meeting.” “There’s no such thing as magical barriers. It’s a mysterious energy. Remember when Tiger Man mentioned punching it seemed to work? Viper’s Demon Lord Punch and the slashes from the R-Buzzsaws are also melee attacks. Meaning…harpoons might work if they’re not thrown but stabbed into its flesh at close range.” Alice stubbornly denies the existence of magic, but listening to our exchange, Viper picks up a discarded harpoon. “Vi?! You’ve done enough! Vi, come back, Vi!” As Viper charges in again, the Sand King looks frightened. The Demon Lord Punch must have hurt a lot, because it won’t take its attention off Viper even as loud noises echo all around it. The Sand King rears up and brings down its front legs just as Viper jumps in and drives the harpoon into its belly. The Sand King screeches in agony, but as it moves to strike Viper, its claws just barely miss her hair. “Everyone, request harpoons! As you can see, they’ll work if you get close!” At Alice’s words, the mood of the agents changes. Now that its weakness has been confirmed, it’s our time to shine. Just as everyone’s morale rises— “Skreeeeeeeeee!” —the Sand King lets out a sharp, high-pitched squeal and dives into the hole from which it emerged. 3 “What were you thinking, Vi? Can you stop doing that sort of thing?” “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! My apologies! It’s my fault that we let the Sand King get away…!” We finally finish patching everyone up after the Sand King’s escape. I’m lecturing Viper in the hideout’s conference room. “That’s not important right now! Look, Vi, do you have any idea how rare you are? You’re a ten out of ten, you have common sense, and you have no weird quirks to speak of! Your life is way more valuable than a bunch of Combat Agents whose numbers could honestly use a little thinning. Please don’t go eagerly running to your death!” “U-umm…” Viper looks troubled by my overly serious lecture. “Hey, do you think Six said all that knowing he’s a Combat Agent, too?” “Well, it’s a given that Ms. Viper’s life is more valuable than Six’s, but I still can’t go along with what he said…” The expendables are grousing as they eavesdrop on my lecture, but suddenly, Alice drops some documents onto the desk. “I know you’re exhausted since we just drove the Sand King off, but there’s no guarantee it won’t be back tonight. It’s best to get this sort of thing out of the way early. I’m going to summarize the plan for you goons.” Now that we’ve figured out the Sand King’s special ability, we have plenty of ways to deal with it. Given that it’s been doing as it pleases up until now, it’s our turn to do some damage. “As it says in the documents in front of you, the cost of training a single Combat Agent is this. Now, the advantages that’ll come from defeating the Sand King, when converted into money, is about that.” Alice speaks breezily, but I feel nothing but dread about where this is going. I mean, why would she explain how much we cost? “The plan is super simple. Everyone grabs a harpoon, charges, and after affixing the ropes, we cut off its escape and kill it. Calculating from its ability to swat away construction equipment, we’ll need to spear it with about fifty harpoons to hold it down. The expected number of casualties among the agents is…around three. The upsides more than outweigh the downsides, so there’s nothing to fear. Dismissed!” “‘Dismissed’ my ass! Come up with a plan where we don’t end up dying!” “You’re supposed to be a high-spec genius, right?! Please, Alice, I beg you—come up with something where there’s no losses!” “Don’t go putting prices on our lives in the first place! And for crying out loud, the number on this document is way too low!” As the expendables whine, I speak up for Alice. “Pipe down, you grunts! You’re Combat Agents! Your value exists in your ability to risk your lives on the front lines. If you’re so afraid of dying, then go ahead and quit, you cowards!” “Oh? Big words from the guy who was the first to flee today!” “You seem to be under the impression that you’re special, Six. You’re still a Combat Agent, you know! You’re gonna have to take up a harpoon and try to stab the Sand King, too!” They really do get angry too easily. But this isn’t the time to mince words. “I’m this base’s branch manager, remember? We are not the same! There’s no way in hell I’m gonna participate in a plan that dangerous, and even if I wanted to, I’m sure Alice would stop me. Understand the difference in our ranks, peons!” As I put the underlings in their place, they begin quaking in red-faced rage. Oh, they’re looking mighty aggressive today. “All right, you guys want a fight? Then come on. You’re all exhausted from taking on the mole, while I just sat there and watched for the most part. You know who’d have the advantage, right…?” Before I can finish, Alice interjects: “Six, you’ll be leading them from the front.” …… “I’m sorry, what was that?” “You heard me. You’re going to be the first one in. You’re still using the old-style power armor, meaning you’re the toughest one here, and you’ve got the highest chance of survival. While Combat Agents are a dime a dozen, if we can keep the losses to a minimum, that’d be preferable.” Wai—! “Hold on, my power armor’s nothing to write home about! You saw what happened! The Sand King tore through it like paper! Besides, I need to send my power armor out for repairs first…” “Leave the repairs to me. Power armor is something Lady Lilith created, so I can fix a suit in a single night, even with the facilities we have here.” Why is she so useful now of all times?! “C’mon, partner, come up with a safer plan, please! I know you can do it if you put your mind to it. Surely, there’s something that’ll work better!” “Stop whining, Six! Get it together!” “Yeah, show us what it means to be a branch manager, sir!” While thinking about how best to punish my comrades’ taunts, I hear a demure voice coming from behind me. “Um… In that case, I can charge in first…” The speaker is none other than Viper. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Vi! I told you to stop leaping into harm’s way!” “Y-yes, but…defeating the Sand King is the long-held desire of all demons. If the demons show they’re also willing to put their lives on the line to defeat the Sand King, that would likely help the kingdom of Grace feel a bit better about letting us settle here…” As ever, her logic is sound. Still, is there really a need for Viper, the former Demon Lord, to enter the fray? From the moment we first met, I’ve been getting a certain vibe from her… “…Well, fine. If Viper’s participating, I can’t allow her to get hurt, no matter how small the chance of that happening actually is. Looks like I’ll have to bring out my precious tiger cub.” Alice’s words throw me right off my train of thought. “…What was that about Tiger Man?” “I didn’t say anything about Tiger Man. He wandered off without telling us. Usually, going AWOL like that makes one subject to heavy punishment.” Yes, we still haven’t been able to find Tiger Man ever since the first Sand King attack. With that said, it’s not an unusual thing for Tiger Man to wander off when he feels like it. “Tiger Man has feline DNA. That wanderlust is part of his nature. He can’t help it.” “If we allowed mutants to indulge in their bestial natures, you would’ve been eaten by Spider Woman and Mantis Woman a long time ago.” She means that sexually…right? Rose is already one hyperliteral carnivore too many. …Just then. The meeting-room door opens, and a person carrying something on his back walks in. “Hey, guys! Sorrrry to keep you waiting.” With auspicious timing, the one strolling through the door is none other than Tiger Man. I don’t know where he’s been, but he looks pretty beat-up. “Hey, Tiger Man’s back! And get a load of him! I bet he was off training to get strong enough to beat the Sand King!” “I see. We can throw Tiger Man at the Sand King, then. That just might work.” As the agents all buzz around him, Tiger Man tilts his head. “What are you talking about? I had a pretty specific goal in mind when I left… Ms. Viper.” “Y-yes? Wh-what is it?” As Tiger Man addresses her with an expression so serious that he forgets his usual purring, Viper, who has been serving tea to everyone, looks up in surprise. “I have a purresent for you!” With that, he hands Viper an item that he pulled from his backpack. “…Is this a sorcerer stone? I’ve never seen one this big. It must have been absorbing magical energy for a long, long time. I can feel an immense power radiating from it…! But why would you give something like this to me…?” As she raises the question, Tiger Man gives his straitlaced reply. “This is a sorcerer stone I won from a mighty dragon. Ms. Viper, with this powerful artifact…could you possibly return me to my childhood?” “I’m sorry. I can’t.” The immediacy of her reply drives Tiger Man to a corner, where he curls up into a ball. “What’re we gonna do, Alice? Your tiger cub’s depressed!” “Dammit! Game over, man! Game over!” “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s all my fault, I’m so sorry!” The conference room descends into chaos, and Alice attempts to ease our panic. “Calm down, you morons. I already told you that when I mentioned my ‘tiger cub,’ I wasn’t talking about Tiger Man. Come with me, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.” Alice brings us to the mystery facility that was recently built near the hideout. No one knows what it is, and since it often sounds like there’s someone crying inside, we Combat Agents steer clear of the place. If there were ghosts about, there wouldn’t be a damn thing any of us could do. “Alice, leave this place alone. There have been reports of a sobbing woman’s voice coming from here every night. One rumor tells of a woman, driven to depression over her failure in love, killing herself and haunting this place…” “Every time I think you all can’t possibly get any stupider… The construction on our base was only recently completed. How the hell would those rumors even make sense?” Alice rolls her eyes at us and opens the door to the mystery facility. …As it opens, we hear a woman crying. With the rumors partway confirmed, we struggle to choke down our fear as we peer inside. Heine of the Flames, former pillar of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four, sobs as she produces fire from her hand. “This is the power plant for Hideout City. You noticed Mr. Destroyer resting next to it, yeah? Since we got acquired Heine in our recent deal, I built a thermal power plant to take full advantage of her abilities.” What an awful facility. Leave it to an android to be completely devoid of pity or mercy. Having noticed our presence, Heine continues making flames but turns to face us as she weeps. “I don’t want to make fire anymore! Help me, Six, please! I’m tired of spending all my time here boiling water!” Heine is so broken that she’s rejecting her very identity as a fire demon. “Oh, so this is where you were. Congrats! You’re being evaluated for your abilities, and not your sex appeal!” “Even a lewd job is preferable to doing this forever! …S-sorry, that was a lie. I lied, so stop looking at me like that…” Heine shies away from the hungry, predatory gazes of my colleagues. Oh, right, our electricity restrictions ended when Heine started working here. Thinking about it that way, maybe relieving her of this job wouldn’t be such a great thing… But as Heine complains, Alice offers a comment. “Shut up and keep generating. Once you’ve completely recharged Mr. Destroyer, I’ll let you take one out of every ten days off. And I’ll cut you down to fifteen work hours a day.” Those are some harsh working conditions, but for some reason, Heine’s expression brightens. “R-really?! You’re not lying, right? I’m choosing to believe you!” Heine’s delight at those heinous conditions is really bumming me out. …Wait, come to think of it, given that we risk our lives on a constant basis, don’t get any days off on long-term missions, and often have to scrounge for our own survival, a Combat Agent has pretty crappy working conditions, too… “So how much longer will I have to make fire before Mr. Destroyer is recharged?” “At this rate, it shouldn’t take much longer than a week.” And just like that, Heine crumples, her sliver of happiness lost to the void. However, an unexpected beacon of hope presents itself. “Um… Why don’t we have Heine use this…?” Viper then hesitantly produces the sorcerer stone that she received from Tiger Man. Upon seeing it, Heine’s eyes go wide with shock. “Wh-what a powerful sorcerer stone…! Lady Viper, where did you find such a thing…?” asks Heine as she takes the stone in her hands. “Tiger Man said he got it from a dragon…” “A dra—?! S-surely, you jest… Dragons are immensely powerful creatures that may even be mightier than the Sand or Forest Kings. How could he have possibly…?” Oh, right, I did kind of gloss over this earlier, but yeah—dragons are more or less the rulers of all monsters… …and any Kisaragi operative would know exactly how a mutant like Tiger Man managed to beat one. Mutants are able to become giant versions of themselves if they’re pushed to the brink of death. It’s a trump card that heavily depletes their own vitality, and it’s the reason why the Heroes started building stuff like giant robots. I guess Tiger Man really wanted to be a kid again. I can’t really sympathize in the slightest, but I do admire his dedication. “Lady Viper, thank you very much. With this, I can create some enormous flames… And, Six, I’ll show you the real power of a former pillar of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four!” Heine puts on a radiant smile as she burns bright with confidence. 4 The day after Heine shows her commitment. “Too hot!” Inside the newly boosted power plant, Heine, slick with sweat, makes note of the obvious. The flames she was able to produce by combining her full focus with the dragon’s sorcerer stone were impressive. How impressive, you ask? So impressive that she was able to raise the temperature of Hideout City by several degrees. And even more impressive is… “…What do you mean, ‘too hot’? Aren’t you the pillar of the Elite Four who’s dedicated to fire?” …Heine. Her glistening, sun-kissed curves are too alluring for words. In video games, her sort of character usually gets a lot more energetic in extreme heat. “What are you talking about? Russell would drown if you sank him in a pond. I mean, sure, I have a bit more fire resistance than your average demon, but…there’s a reason I dress like this, you know.” Heine then motions to herself rather suggestively. “You dress provocatively so that your enemies lower their guards, right? Our female mutants do the same thing, more or less.” “No, you idiot! I wear less because fire is hot! If I wore layers, and they caught on fire, that’d be a huge problem!” Oh. And here I thought she was supposed to be “the sexy one” among the Elite Four. I guess her outfit had a more pragmatic purpose. …For some reason, Snow then turns her gaze away, as though faintly uncomfortable. “What’s the reasoning behind your outfit, Snow?” “…Because the orcs and goblins that make up the bulk of the Demon Lord’s Army prefer to take women as prisoners rather than kill them. If you increase the amount of skin that’s showing, they do their best to avoid damaging their prey, and it raises the chances of survival. The reason our kingdom’s female soldiers don’t wear helmets is to let the enemy know they’re women.” All right, now that sounds a lot more like what Kisaragi’s female mutants do. “H-hey! Stop talking like orcs and goblins are sexual deviants! They’re actually pretty nice guys on the whole. Even then, I can’t believe you’re using the fact that you’re a woman as a weapon. How shady…” “There’s nothing shady in war! What’s wrong with using everything at our disposal when our lives are on the line?! Besides, you yourself use your gender as a weapon as well!” Not wanting to enter the sweltering power plant, Snow points at Heine from the safety of the doorway. “I-I’m using my womanhood as a weapon?! As if! Where’s your proof?!” “The fact that you’re still alive is all the proof I need! If you were a man, Six wouldn’t have let you escape all those times we fought! He would’ve finished you off a long time ago!” At those words, Heine glares at me. “Hey, Six, answer me. If I were—” “If you were a guy, I obviously would’ve never hesitated to kill you. Kisaragi already has too many dudes as it is. I’ve even openly said I’d be totally fine if we culled some of our other agents.” I answer before she finishes her question, and Heine looks thoroughly taken aback. “…I see. I guess I should be more appreciative that I’m a woman… Sigh. Still, it really is hot in here. My goodness…” Heine slumps her shoulders and returns to work. “So why are you here anyway? There’s no need to keep an eye on me. The promise of slightly better treatment is motivation enough. Plus, once I finish charging this thing, we’ll be able to take down the Sand King, right? If we can really kill that bastard, I’m going to pour all my efforts into getting us the opportunity.” Heine then holds out her hands to produce more fire. “I don’t have anything else to do, so I figured I’d come appreciate your glistening ass.” “Get outta here! You’re a bother, so leave! And stop looking at my ass!” Heine peppers me with insults, but she’s currently a slave. There’s no need for me to do as she asks. As I plop down on the ground and continue ogling her, Heine lets out an exasperated sigh. “…This imbecile aside, why are you here?” Snow smirks at Heine’s words. “I heard you were being worked to the bone, so I thought I’d come see. As a knight of the kingdom of Grace, I have a duty to defend the country. Since I can’t trust demons, I’m not going to relax my vigilance in watching you.” “You speak of duty, but weren’t you blackout drunk yesterday when the Sand King attacked?” Sweat beads on Snow’s brow at my remark, and she fans herself in an exaggerated manner to try to distract from it. “Wow, it sure is hot in here… A frozen dessert would hit the spot, I bet. I got one from the cafeteria short while ago, but I heard they taste better in a hot room like this.” …Ohhh, now I get why she’s here. “A frozen dessert…? H-hey, don’t eat that in here. Or at least, do it where I can’t see you!” “I can eat what I want, when I want, where I want! Oh, do you want some?” Snow scoops a spoonful of ice cream, then pops it in her mouth in front of Heine’s eyes. Then, she takes out a second spoon that she went to the trouble of obtaining, scoops up some more ice cream, and slowly moves the spoon toward Heine’s mouth. “Here, open wide.” Snow smiles and offers the ice cream with a gentle tone. “Huh?! O-oh, b-but, um… Okay then, aaahhh…” The treat melts before it even touches Heine’s lips. “Whoa! That’s impressive, Heine of the Flames! Your flames are so powerful that the ice cream melted!” “…I’ll eat it myself, so hand that over.” “I was only going to give you one bite. And that bite already melted. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That expression! That’s the real treat! Entertain me more!” As Heine trembles with rage, Snow clutches her sides and howls with laughter. I mean, sure, they have a history that includes melting one of Snow’s swords, but still, what a sadist. …Not that I’m one to talk, but man, Snow’s totally rotten to the core. She might be beyond saving. “What the hell, you two?! Right now, I’m working hard so that you can defeat the Sand King! I’m telling Alice that you’re getting in my way!” Dammit, she’s only been here a few days, and she already knows the power dynamics of this place. Snow and I exchange glances and nod… “We’ll let you go today. Make sure you show your ass off more tomorrow!” “I need you to work as hard as my poor, melted blade. Prepare for more teasing tomorrow!” Making remarks that sound vaguely like thuggish threats, we exit the power plant. ?? month/?? day Heine snitched, and Alice cut off my allowance. I’m back at the power plant to give Heine a piece of my mind, but… “Well, well, you really did it this time, Heine. Thanks to you, Alice cut me off.” “Tch, yeah. Alice told me to either pay everything I owe her immediately or to kneel and prostrate myself before her, so I wound up bowing and worshipping her when I didn’t want to.” “Y-you receive an allowance from a child…? Also, there’s something weird about owing a kid so much money that you have no choice but to worship them…” Heine’s totally repulsed, but this is all her fault to begin with. “You make it sound as if you had nothing to do with it, but we’re here to take our revenge.” “Yeah, I hope you’re ready. Heh-heh. Demons are the enemy! All right, Six, bring it out!” At Snow’s command, I produce the space heater I grabbed from the hideout. Heine tilts her head quizzically as she continues producing flames. “Do you know what this is, Heine? This is state-of-the-art heating equipment from my planet!” “It’s hot in here right now, but we’re about to make it even hotter! Heh-heh-heh. But hey, you’re an elite fire demon, right? It’s not like you’re gonna beg us to stop, riiiiight?” As we squat in front of the space heater and flash smug grins at Heine, she wears a faintly perplexed expression. “Have you learned nothing from yesterday? If you interrupt me, Alice is going to get mad at you again. Or have you come up with some sort of good excuse this time?” “Heh-heh, the mistake is assuming we’re here to interrupt your work. All we’re doing is enjoying the warmth of this facility. Where we warm ourselves up has nothing to do with you, no?” “Exactly. This isn’t hazing; we’re just trying to stay warm. Ha-ha-ha! Don’t underestimate human intellect! Just sit there and suffer, Heine of the Flames!” Heine stands there frozen in shock, likely blown away by the brilliance of our plan. Ten minutes later. “…Hey, are you two okay? Your faces are all red, and you’re sweating like crazy. I think you’re getting dehydrated.” Heine’s sweating a little bit, but Snow and I are about to pass out. “…Why do you seem so unfazed?” “I’m hot, too. But I already told you I have some natural fire resistance… Um, are you sure she’s okay?” Hearing that, I look over at Snow and notice she’s got a thousand-yard stare going on, and her face is red as a chili pepper. I have power armor that helps regulate my body temperature for environments with extreme weather, but I’m pretty sure Snow’s nearing the danger zone. Snow snaps out of her stupor when she hears us talking about her, but she must’ve realized the dangerous game she was playing because she stands up in a hurry. “Y-you’re off the hook for today! …Let’s go, Six! If we stay in here any longer, we’ll die!” “Dammit! I’ll get you next time!” I fire a verbal parting shot straight from the Kisaragi manual, scoop up Snow, who’s swaying from side to side, grab the heater, and leave. The moment we step through the door, I hear Heine mutter to herself. “…I lost to these guys…?” ?? month/?? day “I brought something nice for you. Heine, how are you faring? Is the work tolerable?” Viper comes in to cheer up Heine, bearing ice cream. “Lady Viper, I’m all right for now! I’ve started to get used to the heat, and I’ve even gotten permission to burn a couple of insects the next time they interrupt my work.” Heine points in my direction when she mentions the “insects.” Seeming satisfied with herself, she puts on a cheery smile and takes a bite of the ice cream. “These people may be immeasurably cruel and heartless, but their food sure is tasty, isn’t it, Lady Viper?” “Yes, their food is good. But I think they’re nice people, Heine.” As Viper exhibits her total lack of perception, I debate whether or not I should voice my agreement. Heine may have undying loyalty to Viper, but this is one thing she can’t bend on. “So what are you doing here, Mr. Six?” “I’m watching Heine… That’s an excuse, though. I just figured if I was here, the other agents wouldn’t harass her. They’re starving for women, so there’s no telling what they’d do.” “You’re the most dangerous one from where I’m standing… Wait, where are you looking…?” Even against Heine’s rude remark, I don’t avert my gaze. “Your ass, of course. I mean, you can’t put the goods on display and then complain when I check out the merchandise. You’re practically wearing a swimsuit. Now that you’re a Kisaragi slave, that ass is ours for the ogling.” “Hey, no, stop staring. My butt is my own… Lady Viper, will you still claim they’re all good people after hearing that? This man’s worthless. I’d stay far away from him if I were you.” Viper simply chuckles at our back-and-forth. “You two seem to be getting along rather famously to me.” “Lady Viper, you can’t be serious. This man is my enemy.” “All right, come at me. Even though you’re our lowest-ranking member, it looks like you still don’t know your place,” I say to Heine. Heine’s right, though. Viper’s really bad at reading people. When I was with Rose, Viper mentioned something about us acting like siblings. Maybe she’s just been too sheltered to know any better. “…Really? You think that you, a mere human, can beat me now that I have a dragon’s sorcerer stone?” “Oops, you said ‘mere human.’ That’s one of the lines forbidden by the Kisaragi manual. You just doomed yourself to lose.” …… “I don’t quite know you’re talking about, but I know you’re making fun of me. Well if you’re going that far, step right up. I’ll vaporize you using my dragon’s sorcerer stone!” “Oh yeah?! I’ve got the former Demon Lord Vi on my side! I won’t lose to a former Elite Four member like you!” “Whaaat?!” Viper lets out a cry of surprise as she’s suddenly added into the fight like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “Wh-why would Lady Viper get involved?! This is a one-on-one duel between you and me!” I affectionately wrap my arm around Viper’s shoulder. “Vi, Vi, your former subordinate keeps picking a fight with me. Can you give her a stern talking-to? Right now, I can only sleep at night. I’m too afraid of her randomly attacking me to sleep any other time.” “Ummm… Heine, please don’t pick on Mr. Six…” “Lady Viper, please don’t be fooled by his random words! He’s the one who comes to pick on me! And damn you, Six, don’t casually touch Lady Viper like that! If you keep interrupting my work, I’ll tell Alice!” Heine protests, cheeks flushed. Having her telling Alice would be a problem. “All right, fine. You’re off the hook for now. Vi, I’m bored. Will you play with me? The usual, of course. Just the two of us.” “Yes, gladly!” As I try to leave with the now-beaming Viper, Heine calls after us. “L-Lady Viper? Um, what does he mean when he says ‘play’ and ‘the usual’ with ‘just the two of us’?” With my arm around Viper’s shoulder, I turn to Heine, who looks nervous all of a sudden. “It’s not a big deal. We do all sorts of things together, and Viper shows me the ropes. It’ll be nice to get this craving outta my system, so let’s get a move on.” “Yes, let’s. I wasn’t very confident in my ability at first, but I’ve really been enjoying myself lately.” “…?!” ?? month/?? day One of the dime-a-dozen agents lets out a yelp. “Oh my god! Ms. Heine is so damn sexy!” The power plant—my little slice of heaven—is now filled with Combat Agents slacking off. “Damn… A busty, dark-skinned demon beauty getting all sweaty…” “I’m so glad I came to this planet… I don’t think I want to go back to Earth anymore.” Hearing the untoward observations, Heine pumps out flames as though taking her frustration out on the boiler. Near her, cackling with great satisfaction is— “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Look at all this money, Six! You have to admit this is a genius business plan!” Snow cradles the box of money she made selling tickets to the Heine show. I have to admit, it was a pretty good scheme. Heine, begrudgingly staying on task, lets out a whisper. “…Just so we’re clear, if you’re going to use my ass to make money, you better give me a cut.” It looks like she’s given up on trying to prevent people from looking, and now she’s angling for a piece of the pie for herself. As expected from a former pillar of the Elite Four. She’s tougher than I’ve been giving her credit for. During the exchange between Snow and Heine, the expendables politely sit in a row and to watch attentively. “I think I’m gonna vote for Ms. Heine on the next Kisaragi Supreme Leader popularity poll. She’s technically a supreme leader. Sure, there’s a former before her official title, and she was technically on the enemy side when she held it, but still.” “Me too, me too.” “Actually, I’m told she’s a Kisaragi slave. Does that mean we can do pervy things to her?” “No, we’re not allowed to do pervy things to slaves on this planet.” “A slave we can’t do pervy things to isn’t a slave at all! Why didn’t we just take Ms. Heine as a prisoner of war?! We could’ve done whatever we wanted under the guise of interrogation!” “Six, you idiot! You stupid, useless moron! You could’ve handled things way better!” The peons rattle off complaints without a second thought. “It’s not my fault. It’s all Lady Lilith’s doing. The reason everything’s so chaotic is because the old Demon Lord died thanks to her carelessness.” “I’m definitely putting in a negative score for Lady Lilith in the next poll.” “Me too, me too.” “You’re all starting to get on my nerves. If you’re just going to get in the way, then leave! I’m trying to take my work seriously!” Heine finally loses her cool, but here comes Viper with snacks. “Wh-what’s wrong, Heine? What’s going on here…?” Seeing the row of Combat Agents sitting down, Viper tilts her head curiously. “Lady Viper, they’ve come to slack off and ogle me! That white-haired woman is even charging admission…!” Heine begins complaining to Viper, but Snow simply snorts. “Hmph, what’s wrong with making a show of demons who lost the war? The money that your behind brings in will go toward donations for the war victims. You’re not actually complaining about that, are you?” It’s a pretty ridiculous way of phrasing it, but I guess Heine feels a bit guilty about the lack of reparations, and she bites back her retorts. Snow’s words may sound noble, but I know what she’s really thinking. She’s probably going to call herself a victim of war by citing the loss of her magic swords, and she’ll pocket all the money. But just as I think this, something unexpected happens. “…I see, I see. In that case, I’ll take my clothes off and put on a show in Heine’s stead. Then you can distribute the money you make to the victims—” “What the—?! Vi! Hey, Vi!” Without missing a beat, Viper begins undoing the buttons of her top. “Lady Viper, please don’t believe this white-haired woman’s words! …Hey!” “Ms. Snow’s run off with the money!” yells one of the agents. “I guess she freaked out because the situation started getting dicey! Someone call Alice! We’ll tell her everything!” says another. ?? month/?? day Since any further interruptions will slow down the hunt for the Sand King, Rose, now healed, has been assigned to guard Heine. By that, I mean Rose is also breathing fire on the boiler to speed things up. Now that Heine’s come up with the idea of fencing herself off, there’s nothing to see. As for me, I still don’t have access to my allowance, so I’m effectively grounded. I guess I could go gather some mipyokopyoko eggs like Snow was doing the other day. Grimm, the only other person who could treat me to a night out, is still dead. Mr. Destroyer’s batteries are currently around 80 percent full. It can move around fine as is, but due to the designer’s intent, Mr. Destroyer’s power level changes depending on its charge. Our preference is to have it fight at about 120 percent. Heine continues producing flames day in, day out, while Viper and I start making progress on that terrible game. And just as we advance into the final levels… …Mr. Destroyer finishes charging. [Status Report] The expansion of Hideout City is progressing smoothly. Recently, we’ve completed a water-treatment facility and a power plant, and our quality of life continues to improve. It’s nice that both facilities are very eco-friendly and low-cost. Mr. Destroyer’s done charging, so we’ll be attempting to defeat the Sand King tomorrow. A Heine Fund has been established and will be distributed to the war victims. At Alice’s urging, we’ve also started a Snow Fund, but it hasn’t done brought in much money. I guess the gap in model quality is too great. Also, using Fermat’s Last Theorem as a solution to a game puzzle is cruel. Vi spent hours puzzling over it, only to have Alice solve it right before her eyes. It took a long time for her to stop apologizing and calling herself useless. All right, I’ll send another report after we’ve defeated the Sand King. Reporting Agent: Combat Agent Six