Chapter 60

CHAPTER 3 My Hobby Is Solving Puzzles in Video Games 1 The sunset paints the area around our base in shades of gold, orange, and red. I’m lying on the sofa in the office, playing games while Viper diligently handles some paperwork. I’ve been thinking the day would end uneventfully again, but… “…Hmm. So Alice really told you that? That you can do most of the budget allocation for the city?” “Y-yes. Since it’s a hassle for her to come up with everything from scratch, I’m to make proposals, and Ms. Alice will modify them… U-um, is there a problem…?” There are currently four of us in Viper’s office. First, there’s Viper and me, then Grimm, nitpicking through the paperwork like a mother-in-law, and for some reason, Rose is curled up and sleeping at Viper’s feet. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the overall proposal, but what about this item here? The budget allocated to childcare centers is rather high. Can you explain your reasoning for that?” “U-um… Children are a country’s greatest treasure, so I can’t imagine there’s anything lost by putting an emphasis on childcare and education-related items… Since this city doesn’t have any settlers yet, I thought it would be important to focus on raising the next generation of citizens.” As Viper answers nervously, Grimm slams the documents onto her desk. Viper flinches, and Grimm pokes at her with her index finger. “Then what about households without children?! What about single women?! Taking care of children is fine, but my taxes are going toward this budget, aren’t they?! Then I can’t allow that! Why should I, a single woman, help support other people’s children so they can have a happy little family?! I’m against it! If you’re going to do that, set up a matchmaking office as well!” Though cowed by the gloomy spinster’s heartfelt statement, Viper responds: “R-right now, there’s no need for a matchmaking office in the kingdom of Grace or this city… According to Ms. Alice, once the war is officially over, the peace will bring out a wave of food and jobs, allow for a flourishing economy, and cause an unprecedented baby boom. If that’s the case, it’s a better use of resources to support people who already have families rather than forcing people to get married…” “How dare yooooou!” As Grimm throws a tearful tantrum, I come across a difficult section in my game. “Vi, Vi, can you come here a moment? A puzzle just came up, so I need your help.” “Oh… Very well. What sort of puzzle is it?” The game I’ve been playing for a while is a simple dungeon crawler where the main character goes into a dungeon, solves numerous puzzles, defeats the dungeon master, and acquires loot. It’s mostly an action game, but the puzzles that occasionally pop up have been a real thorn in my side. It’d be super easy if I could just ask Alice, but it feels like she’d probably read the game data, analyze its contents to start explaining the scenario, and end up spoiling it for me, so I’ve been avoiding going to her for help. I mean, she’s already done that to me with a different game. Which is why I’m having the smartest person near me, aka Viper, lend me her insight. “So there’s a door in front of me, and there’s a banana hanging from a rope tied to the ceiling. The only other things in the room is a stepladder and a stick. Now, thinking about it normally, it seems to be hinting I should climb the stepladder and use the stick to hit the banana, but…” “I see. Based on the length of the stick, you won’t be able to reach the banana even if you’re on the stepladder… I have a few ideas. The first is that you get up on the stepladder, then jump and hit the banana with the stick. Second, this idea involves a bit more brute force, but throw the heavy-looking stepladder at the banana. Third…why not make the stick longer? Your character has a sword, yes? How about using something like a rope to tie the stick to the tip of it?” Viper looks a little proud of herself as she proposes three potential solutions. I see, these are the fruits of the elite education given to the Demon Lord’s daughter… “Wow, Vi, those are great ideas. I’m sure at least one of them will work.” Evidently drawn by my game console, Grimm wanders across the carpeted office floor and peers at the screen. “That’s an odd thing you’re playing with… What is it? Does that door not open? Why will it open once you retrieve the banana? Why can’t you just break the door down?” Grimm proposes something off-the-wall, revealing she’s totally ignorant of video games altogether. “Why won’t it open? Well, that’s because of the game’s overall gimmick. The door just generally opens when you figure out—” As I try to show Grimm that the door is locked, it just opens normally. “What are you talking about? It just opened really easily. What’s the point of that banana?” “No idea.” I mean, I really don’t know what the game developers were thinking. …Oh! “Don’t worry about it, Vi. The important thing is that it opened! And look, if the hunger gauge starts getting low, I can use your solutions to get that banana!” Viper covers her face and turns away, seemingly embarrassed by how confidently she gave those wild proposals. …Just then. The base quakes, and Alice’s voice comes over the loudspeaker. “That damned mole is here again. Remember the plan I explained during our morning meetings. All Combat Agents, take your positions and don’t you dare use the B-Equipment.” Since the day after the first attack, the Sand King’s been randomly attacking us. “You’ve readied the harpoon guns, right? All agents, fire at will!” With those orders from Alice, the agents begin firing harpoons at the Sand King. There’s a sturdy rope attached to the back of each harpoon, and the other end is secured to an iron spike driven deep into the ground. The plan is to use these to immobilize the Sand King and cut off its escape, then gradually chip it down. “Take that!” “We’ve got you, dammit!” All Combat Agents other than myself are either firing harpoons from their launchers or chucking them with their enhanced strength. Since my Evil Points are still in the red, I’m stuck guarding Alice. “Whoo-hoo, I got ’im! Pull in the rope!” “You’re not getting away this time! Tonight, we’re dining on mole soup! …Er, wait.” A harpoon lands a direct hit on the Sand King, but rather than burying itself in its flesh, the whole thing bounces right off. “Not again! I knew its hide could deflect bullets, but harpoons, too?! What the hell is it made of?!” “How are we supposed to beat this thing?!” The Sand King, annoyed by this onslaught, starts flailing wildly. The agents scream as they flee the mole’s giant limbs. Watching the scene unfold before her, Alice tilts her head and appears very unsatisfied. “I’d received reports that gunfire doesn’t work on it, but why aren’t the harpoons working, either? It might be huge, but it’s still a mole. I can’t imagine its hide is that tough.” Harpoons might be a primitive weapon, but given that the agents have all been cybernetically enhanced, I can’t understand why the projectiles they’ve been throwing have been so ineffective. The harpoon guns aren’t doing anything, either. Since it’s a mole, could it be that it dug deep into the ground and found some mystery metal that it absorbed into its skin? I pick up one of the deflected harpoons off the ground. “Release restraints!” <Releasing power-armor safety restraints. Proceed?> At my statement, the other agents look at me in shock. <With restraints disengaged, the power armor will require a three-minute cooldown period for every one minute of activity. Continue?> “Yeah, do it. This is the sort of situation where the difference in one’s experience shows. A veteran Combat Agent really oughta shine here. Sheesh…” <Releasing safety restraints. To cancel, please issue cancellation order at any point during the countdown. Ten…nine…eight…> If the harpoon doesn’t have enough power behind it to pierce the skin, then all we need to do is add more power. Seems that simple fact doesn’t occur to the weaklings who are completely dependent on guns. “I’ll show you how a real Combat Agent operates. We’re assault troops who are most valuable when fighting on the front lines! Now’s no time to hide in the back! Hey, you stupid mole! Get ready to meet your maker!” As I challenge it straight on, the Sand King turns its nose toward me. Seems it’s decided from my sheer presence that I’m not an opponent it can ignore. That, or it just likes the smell of the snacks I’d been munching on earlier. “Yo, Six, you weren’t listening to me during any of the morning meetings, were you? If the harpoons don’t work, sure, release your restraints. But in that case, you’re supposed to drop back for safety’s sake and wait until the other agents draw its attention… You know I went to the trouble of explaining the plan every morning in case the mole showed up again, right?” “Come to think of it, I can’t remember participating in any of the morning meetings…” … <Power-armor restraints disengaged.> 2 “Ahhhhhh! Hurry! Please huuuuurrrry uuuupppp!” “Goddammit, why are you always such an idiot…? Oof! Why the hell are you so heavy?!” “He’s still using the old-generation power armor?! For crying out loud, use your Evil Points and upgrade already!” With my power armor on cooldown, rendering me unable to move, two agents carry me as the mole chases after us. Despite releasing the restraints on my power armor, the harpoon I threw didn’t do a damn thing. “Hey, don’t you think something’s off here? Even the harpoon I threw with my super strength didn’t work. Could it be that the mole has some sort of magical ability that prevents physical attacks? Like in a video game?” “Leave that sort of theorizing to Alice! Just because you can’t move doesn’t mean you can slack off like that!” The colleague carrying the upper half of my body yells this at me, but Alice doesn’t believe in the supernatural. “Actually, when Tiger Man punched the mole with his full strength, that seemed to have an effect. So I don’t think physical attacks have zero effect.” The agent carrying my lower half shoots down my theory entirely. If Tiger Man’s attack worked, then it might just be a lack of power. But given that even my throw didn’t pierce its hide, using harpoons to immobilize it isn’t going to work. It’s not like I’m still using the old power armor because I don’t have the points to afford the new set. Sure, this armor is inferior to the latest models in terms of agility, but it’s got better strength and durability. It also has a simpler design, and it’s harder to break. Maybe we should just have Tiger Man use his mutant strength to throw a harpoon. …No, because of his claws, he can’t really throw with much accuracy. No matter how far away from the battle the rest of us are, I bet any harpoon he tosses will find its way to us somehow. Actually, now that I think about it, I haven’t seen Tiger Man since the last mole attack… “Oh shit, it’s getting closer and closer! You guys need to move faster!” “Pipe down, or we’ll just leave you here!” “Why don’t we just leave him anyway? At this rate, it’ll catch us, too!” As expected of Combat Agents from an evil organization. They have no qualms about ditching me to save themselves. “Please don’t leave me here! If we get home safely, I’ll introduce you to this girl Bianca who I met at one of the Grace taverns!” “…Tch. Idiot. We might work for an evil organization, but we won’t abandon another agent!” “Yeah, we’ve known you a long time, Six! It’s just dark humor! C’mon, let’s do this!” Boy, Kisaragi Combat Agents might not always see eye to eye, and they’ll even make some messed-up jokes every once in a while, but they would never leave a comrade to die. I take comfort in that knowledge and thank my lucky stars. The two of them are doing their best, but the mole’s still gaining on us. There’s a full minute left on the armor cooldown. We might not be able to get away… Just then, the pair, who seem to have come to the same conclusion, exchange whispers… “Hey, I’ll hold out until the last minute, but just in case…” “Yeah, I’ve been through a lot with you. If we’re about to be overrun, then…” “Hey, what do you mean, ‘just in case’? What are you two plotting? We’re comrades, right? No, we’re friends, even. Close friends who’ve been through hell and back together!” The two don’t meet my gaze despite my desperate pleas. Yeah…I guess I knew what they were really thinking all along. That’s just how Kisaragi agents are deep down. “Well? Do you think we can keep going a little longer? Or is there no hope?” “We should probably just get rid of—” “You can do it! There’s still plenty of distance between us and the mole! Don’t give up so easily! My cooldown period’s almost over!” Just as the Sand King gets uncomfortably close and I panic at the prospect of being left behind… “O Great Lord Zenarith, I beseech thee! Deliver disaster unto this monster! May it stumble in a spectacular fashion!” As the curse rings out, the Sand King trips over its own feet. Looking over in the direction of the voice, Grimm’s there with Rose pushing her wheelchair. She usually gets in the way, but she really came through in the clutch this time. I typically mooch off her, but maybe tonight… “Commander, my curse tripped the Sand King! Yes, MY curse! You owe me big-time for this! Enough to shave a year off that promise, perhaps…?” As Grimm rambles on about something, I decide I can wait for next time to treat her. <Cooldown complete. Power armor ready for use.> The announcement comes at last, and I begin running with my own two feet. “Oh, the cooldown’s done… Hey, why are you suddenly running off on your own?” “That bastard! How quickly he forgets that we hauled his ass all this way! The least he could do is run behind us!” I hear some annoying buzzing coming from behind me, but since I reserved my strength during the cooldown period, I’m the first to get to Grimm. “Commander, you always get in trouble the moment I take my eyes off you. I really can’t leave you alone, can I? You’d be lost without me…” After saying that, Grimm acts as though she can’t help but care for me. “You’re one to talk considering you literally die every time I take my eyes off you, but thanks. Still, I’m not sure what you meant when you said I owed you.” “Even if you pretend not to understand, I’m still subtracting a year. You’re keeping that promise if we’re both not married nine years from now.” Grimm’s yammering about something I’m still not really following, so I ignore her and turn my attention to the Sand King. Back on its feet, the Sand King chases after one of the agents. “Grimm, can you perform another curse? I mean, they were thinking of abandoning me, but they did help a little. I wanna make sure I don’t owe them anything.” “I can, but that just means you’ll owe me even more. Meaning if we’re both single in eight years…” Still ignoring her, I make a mad dash toward the Sand King. “Boss, I’m tough, so I’ll act as a diversion! Do something about it while I keep it busy!” Rose dashes up next to me, completely eclipsing whatever the hell Grimm was talking about. “Listen to meeeee! O Great Lord Zenarith, I beseech thee! Deliver disaster unto this monster! Have it freeze in place!” The Sand King, chasing after the Combat Agent, stops dead in its tracks. Having gone two for two for the first time in ages, Grimm earns surprised cheers from all the agents who witness her feat. “See that, Commander? I’m a competent woman! So dependable! I can’t guarantee I’ll still be single in eight years, you know! So if you’ll just sign the marriage certificate already, I’ll throw in my incomparable housekeeping skills!” Grimm’s weirdly giddy after having her curses succeed twice in a row and starts rambling, and Alice throws something at me. “Six, here’s a sonic depth charge Lady Lilith left behind! The mole should be vulnerable to sound! When the Sand King opens its mouth, throw this into it! You just need to drive it away for today!” After catching the ball Alice throws to me, I chase after Rose. Once the two Combat Agents get far enough away from it, the Sand King’s paralysis fades, and it turns its nose toward Rose, who’s right in front of it. …Just then. “I’m in luck today! Really lucky! I feel like I can use the Zenarith Assembly’s secret teachings!” I don’t know what she’s planning, but Grimm stands on top of her wheelchair, carrying lots of sacrifices. “I am a woman beyond death and destruction! The Archbishop of the Great Lord Zenarith! My name is Grimm Grimoire! Allow me to show you the true power of my curses!” Our surroundings suddenly go dark. It was bright and sunny up until a few seconds ago, but now clouds blanket the sky. The agents begin looking around in confusion, clearly unnerved by the spectacle, which no normal human could produce. Grimm listens to the confused murmurs with satisfaction, then points at the Sand King. “By the grace of Lord Zenarith, give yourself to eternal slumber! Death is a precious gift! Surrender to its sweet embrace!” My long-honed instincts as a Combat Agent sends up all sorts of warning signals. Is she serious…? Even though she’s usually just an annoying spinster, I guess this is what happens when an archbishop gets serious…! “Please accept my offerings, Lord Zenarith!” As Grimm screams to the sky, a black mist envelops the Sand King. “Farewell, Sand King. Your name, the mere utterance of which brought whole nations to their knees as they cowered in fear, will not soon be forgotten…” Grimm murmurs softly, then collapses into her wheelchair, a smirk dripping with confidence still on her face. What just happened, you ask? Well, it seems our dear Grimm just committed an especially fancy form of suicide. The Sand King appears perplexed as well, and it keeps looking around despite the fact that the mist has dispersed. But just then, a low voice echoes in the distance, slicing right through the air of confusion. “Drown in a sea of hellfire…!” Spurred on by Grimm’s bravado, Rose strikes a pose and sucks in a deep breath. I dash toward the Sand King as Rose draws its attention. “Sleep for all eternity! Crimson Breaaaaath!” As the mole reels back from the flames lapping at its nose, I throw the sonic depth charge into its mouth!